


The Curse of the Weretroll

by Lord_American



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, mild sexual references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2017-12-15 16:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 143,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/851626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_American/pseuds/Lord_American
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John wakes up one day before school to find that he's beginning to change. With the help of his friends, he must find a way to change back before it's too late and he's stuck like that forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It begins

It was a normal day, just like always. The humans and the trolls lived together because, well, when you win the game, you just don't know anyone in the universe you created. The humans and the trolls didn't know if the new race was naturally hostile, naturally good, or naturally half 'n half, so they decided it would be best if they stuck together.

Upon entering their new universe, their godheads separated from their mortal bodies to become the gods of that universe, leaving them to live their lives as mortal beings. This, of course, pissed everyone off because they thought they deserved immortality after all the shit they were put through in the game.

Earth had once again been relocated into a stable orbit around a star similar to its original sun. All of the creatures that evolved on the planet were strikingly similar to the humans—so similar, that unless looked closely upon, as in the fingerprints, you would never notice a difference. Never. This meant that the eight humans could roam around freely as they pleased. The remaining trolls, however, could not without getting frightened looks from everyone because of their horns.

John and Jane had been reunited with their father, and though being biological mother and son, lived together with him as brother and sister.

The same can be said for Dirk and Dave. They were reunited with Dave's bro and Dirk's Bro, who, though being biological father and son, lived together as brothers while continuing to raise their biological son/father as brothers. Dave and Dirk continued their lives as brothers, though they were biological father and son. **Confused yet?**

Rose and Roxy were reunited with their moms. The two of them, though being biological mother and daughter, raised their biological mother/daughter as daughters. Roxy and Rose, though biological mother and daughter, lived together as siblings. 

Jade and Jake were reunited with Grandpa Harley and Grandma. Though the two of them being biological father and daughter, they raised the two biological father and daughter as brother and sister. They also acted as their parents. Jade and Jake, though being biological father and daughter, lived together with their biological father/daughter as siblings. **How about now?**

Nana Egbert and Poppop, though being biological father and daughter, acted as Grandpa Harley's, Grandma's and Dad's parents, as well as Jade's, John's, Jake's and Jane's grandparents. 

And all was peaceful in the families. 

Yet, we still do not know about the remaining trolls. 

_What about them?_

**Well, I was about to talk about them until you interrupted.**

_Oh, sorry._

**Uh huh.**

Now, the trolls were never reunited with their lusii or dancestors, mainly because their lusii were completely obliterated and had no souls to reap from the outer ring, and their dancestors were dead for far too long. Therefore, in order not to be hunted down or ridiculed by this new human-like species they had all created, they took up residence with the humans. Karkat and Gamzee took up residence with John and Jane. Terezi took up residence with Dirk and Dave. Aradia stayed in the furthest ring. Sollux decided to stay with Jade and Jake, because Jade was the most tolerable to him, and Kanaya took up residence with Rose and Roxy, mainly because of her matespritship with Rose. 

However, there was a problem with this. None of the guardians have ever seen a troll before, and were most likely to freak the fuck out if they happened to see, say Kanaya and Rose, or Karkat and John (yes, they are in a stable, "active" matespritship) making out. Therefore, the humans came up with a plan. They would use makeup and human clothing to disguise the trolls as humans, or whatever the new species is called and it was all successful, until one day, when John woke up… 

This brings us back to "It was a normal day, just like always." John's alarm woke him up, telling him that it was time to get ready for school. He liked school in this universe exceptionally more than in his old universe because the kids here were nicer. They were all more than happy to help out. 

He went into the bathroom and stripped down to take a shower. After getting out he wiped off the mirror to shave, brush his teeth, and comb his hair when he saw something in the mirror. Well…he didn't actually notice something more as to think there was something different about his appearance. He scans over his face. He runs his hands around to feel for any difference. He does this with his chest, back, legs, and other areas as well. Nothing. He must be imagining things. 

After he gets out of the bathroom he goes down to the kitchen where Jane sits at the table eating breakfast made by their father: homemade biscuits and gravy. This was the one thing that John actually enjoyed eating that his father made because it wasn't Betty Crocker's recipe, until he found out that Betty Crocker was his adoptive great-grandmother and that she came up with the recipe, which was passed down the generations. Then he detested them just like everything else that came out of an oven. 

He grabs his lunch that Dad had packed for him and begins to head out to his truck when his dad speaks up, "John, are your eyes bloodshot?" 

"Uh, no. I don't think they are." He walks into another bathroom just off the kitchen and looks in the mirror. Sure enough, his father was right. His eyes were bloodshot. "What the—" he mutters to himself. 

"It appears that they are." He calls out. 

"Please don't tell me you're coming down with the same thing as Karkat," his father says. Karkat had recently come down with a case of the flu, so he wasn't going to school today. Gamzee had told them that he would stay home and take care of his rekindled moirail while so everyone else can go to school and work. He thought it would give him and Karkat enough time to fully get back into their dedicated moiraillegience. 

"Dad, I can't catch what Karkat has," John says. 

"Why not?" 

"Well…uh…I got my flu shot a couple months ago." 

"Uh huh. Of course you did." 

"I did." 

"Okay. Just go to school already." 

"What about me," Jane pipes up. 

"John, take Jane to school." 

"Okay. Jane, come on. I'm not waiting." 

"John, I haven't even finished breakfast," Jane complains as she gets up and rushes out to the truck with John. 

"It's Betty Crocker. You'd be better off without it," John says back to her. 

"Whatever. Just drive already," Jane replies as she buckles in. John doesn't bother to put on his belt. This is a first. "John, aren't you going to put your belt on?" 

"No, why?" 

"Because you always do. To you, safety is numéro un, as you always say. Seriously, that gets to me too. Why don't you say it right: numero uno." 

"Numéro un is French, not Spanish. And I don't know why I'm not wearing my seat belt. I just feel like I don't need it. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel…tougher." 

"Tougher? Just last night you got a paper cut and cried until Dad reassured you you were going to live! You don't just go from that to 'tougher' in one night." 

"Like I said, I don't know how to describe it." 

At school Rose and Kanaya met with John and Jane at the door. Upon seeing John they automatically tilted their heads as if they were freaked out about something. "Uh, John," Kanaya says, "are you feeling well?" 

"Yeah, why?" 

"Well, it's just…it's…I don't know how to tell you this…but…" 

"John, what Kanaya is trying to say is…well…your eyes…" 

"I know. They're bloodshot. I don't know what's happening. Karkat has some weird troll disease and now Dad is worried I'm getting it too." 

Jane walks in front of John and looks at his eyes. "John, your eyes are more than just bloodshot now." 

"What?" 

"Rose, hand him your mirror," Kanaya says.

Rose hands John the small mirror in her makeup bag. He looks at his eyes and stares in horror. The whites were no longer whites. They were a pale orange surrounding what used to be completely blue irises. His irises had developed small red rings around them with a slightly deeper shade reaching in toward his pupils. "Kanaya, what's happening to me?"

"I don't know. Just because I'm a troll and I've studied your race doesn't mean that know everything about it. I can't just snap my fingers and all the answers will appear—"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it: you don't know. I was just wondering if you would know something. Rose?"

"I don't know what's wrong either, John."

"Damn it. I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"John, it's okay," Jane says. We'll just use some of the makeup that we use on the trolls to color your eyes just like we do to theirs. It's no big deal."

"But you must be warned, John," Kanaya begins, "it does feel a little uncomfortable the first couple of times."

"I don't care. Make me up."


	2. It continues

Jane, Rose, and Kanaya have John tied up and gagged so he won't scream or try to stop them. Yes it was his own choice. The others agreed that it was probably best they do it.

Before they get started, John is able to spit out the gag. "You know, I'm beginning to have second thoughts," he says nervously.

"And how else do you expect to look normal..er," Jane asks, trying to gag him again.

"We could speak to the godheads. Jade's could probably use her space powers to make my eyes appear white."

"Why exactly would they do that," Kanaya asks. "They haven't helped us out one bit since the separation."

"I know bu—mmh mh m mnmmh" Jane shoves the towel back in his mouth and duct tapes it shut so he can't spit it out again. It silences him—for the most part.

"I'm sorry John, but you wanted this," she says, almost apologetically. Almost.

Rose opens a small box in her makeup pouch. She takes out a small bottle of liquid. It looks like eye drops, really white eye drops. She reaches back into her makeup pouch again and pulls out a small paintbrush.

She puts a couple drops on the fine tip of the brush, letting it cover the entire thing evenly. While she does this, Kanaya gets a couple of black contact lenses out of her purse. Jane holds the squirming John's head still while Kanaya puts the contacts on his irises and pupils, completely blinding him. "This is so you don't know what's happening or when we're going to do it. it'll make this a whole lot easier," she says reassuringly."

"Mnhmhm nm hnmn mmnhnm mh," was John's angry (possibly?) reply. It was all he was able to respond with.

Jane keeps a strong hold on John's head as to not warn him of anything. Rose comes up and pries open his right eye. She lightly touches the brush to it and begins to move it and apply the white eye paint when John begins to scream and attempt to wiggle away in pain.

"Shh! John, shush," Rose says in a little whisper-yell. "Do you want everyone to know you're in the girls' locker room?" They had to use the girls' locker room because the girls don't have any practice in the morning like the boys do, so there would be no showers or anyone to interrupt them.

A tear slips down John's face. "Kanaya, can you hold a paper towel right there," Rose points to the tear duct just under John's eye, "so that the tears don't come out and ruin the paint before it dries?"

"Yes. Hold on, I'll go get one." She comes back ten seconds later with a small paper towel and holds it against John's tear duct. With each stroke of the brush he tries to close his eye to hold back the pain. After the paint dries Rose takes an even finer-tipped brush and brushes on red blood vessels around the outside of the eye. After that she does the same thing to the other eye.

Once the paint dries on both, Kanaya takes the black contacts off John's eyes. "John, I'm sorry to say this, but we aren't quite finished yet."

"mnhgmhmhmghmmm mm hnmnnhhn hgmmnhmhgm?!"

"We still have your irises to do."

"That's right, John," Rose says, washing white paint off the brush. "They won't take as long though." She dries the brush off and this time puts blue eye paint on it while Kanaya puts a pair of smaller black contacts on John's pupils. They barely fit, but to make sure it covers them completely and that he can't see at all she has Jane shine a bright flashlight on his eyes, making the pupils shrink. John is once again blind to what the three girls are doing.

Rose touches the brush again to John's iris. He wiggles around even more and lets out an even more horrendous muffled scream before Jane pinches his nose shut. "There, just a few more seconds and I'll let him get air. She unpinches his nose as soon as rose is finished with that iris. John takes a much needed breath of air.

"To be fair, I did warn you it isn't going to be comfortable," Kanaya says.

"Mh nnmhgh mm." John says(?) angrily.

Rose repeats the process on the other eye. John repeats his actions accordingly. After that dries she takes the finer brush, rinses it off, dries it off, and paints in the details on John's irises with a darker shade of blue. "There, it almost looks completely normal."

Jane unties John, who is quick to rip the duct tape off his mouth and spit out the small towel used as a gag. "Ow! You said it was uncomfortable but you didn't say it would fucking hurt!"

"John, please keep your voice down," Kanaya says. "Remember you're still in the girls' locker room.

"I don't care, just get me out of here unnoticed."

Jane, Rose, and Kanaya line up in front of John to hide him as they exit the locker room. No one seems to be paying attention so they split up as soon as they were out the door.

"Hey, look," some kid shouts, "Egbert was in the girls' locker room!"

"Oh my gog, I knew this was a bad idea," John mutters.

"Well, you're the one that came up with it," Jane says.

"Would this be not the right time to say that I have the absolute weirdest boner right now," John whispers in Rose's ear.

"Absolutely," she whispers back.

"I mean seriously, it like, is feeling itself."

  


**Suddenly Karkat**

Karkat lies in his bed. His stomach feels like shit. Everyone is pretty sure it's a troll bug that migrated with them into the game—dormant of course. Gog does he wish he could just keel over and die. It was originally thought to be a respiratory infection, but that changed this morning when he got this human symptom that Jade called diarrhea.

Woo fucking hoo.

It was horrible. He felt like he was peeing out of his butt. The worst part about it, besides the fact that it was unstoppable, was the fact that it seemed like chunky water just coming out everywhere. It is debatable as to who felt happier that he made it to the toilet in time: him, or everyone else in the Egbert/Crocker/ Vantas/Makara residence.

He's been like this for three days now. It started on Friday night, so everyone was able to stay up to take care of him. Now it's Monday and everyone has either school or work. He definitely didn't want Dad coming in to take care of him since he can't wear any disguise because of his sickness. Therefore, Gamzee volunteered to stay and do all that. around 7:30 a.m. his grub phone rang. "No, don't move a motherfuckin' inch, Karbro," Gamzee said. "I got it."

"Sup?"

"Gamzee?" it's John.

"Oh, you."

"Yeah, I'm not too thrilled you picked up either. Just hand the phone to Karkat, if he's feeling well enough to talk."

"He motherfucking isn't."

"Well, is he even awake?"

"Yes."

"Well, then can you…are you sober?!"

"Only slightly."

"Go do something to get completely high, then ask Karkat this question: How do I block the pain from rose painting my eyes?"

"Uh…you do realize that I am a motherfuckin' troll as well, and also have to suffer that, right?"

"Yes but I think it's clear that I don't trust you."

"Look, the short motherfuckin' answer is, no, you can't."

"Then how do you put up with it?"

"Do you not realize that I am constantly high?"

"Right, but you still said that I can't block it."

"You can't. I can put up with it because I'm just always too high to even motherfuckin' care. That doesn't motherfuckin' mean I can block the motherfuckin' pain. It hurts like motherfuckin' hell."

"That could have been mentioned by at least Kanaya before I thought to do that to hide my…uh…'new'…eyes."

"Whatever. Look, as much as I motherfuckin' hate talkin' to ya, I have to take care of Karbro, so I gotta get off here."

"Whatever." John hangs up.

Karkat heard the entire conversation, or, at least Gamzee's side of it. He kind of figured who he was talking to and what they were talking about, judging by the tone of his voice. "Gamzee," he squeaks out weakly.

"What, Karbro?"

"Why does John need his eyes painted?"

"I don't know—somethin' about his eyes being bloodshot or whatever that means."

"Oh." Karkat rolls over on his right side. Now facing towards the wall he falls asleep.

  


**Suddenly John…again**

It is now noon. B lunch is just starting. John, Rose, Sollux, and Dirk all have lunch together.

Upon sitting down, Dirk notices a slight change in John's appearance that somehow missed the typically well-attentive Rose. "John,"

"What, Dirk?"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah…well, except for my eyes, which had to be painted over because they're orange. Why?"

"John, I wasn't talking about your eyes."

"Oh, then what were you talking about?"

"Uh…your ears appear to be slightly pointed."

"What?" Rose looked over at John and saw what Dirk was talking about. "John, it does appear that he's correct," she says.

John reaches his hand up and feels one of his ears. It was slightly more elongated and less rounded than he remembered it ever being. "Uh…guys, what's happening to me?"

"We don't know, dumbass," Sollux says. "Especially me considering I'm blind."

"Yeah, don't rub it in," John says back. He lays his head on the table next to his tray. "Ugh…I feel like I'm turning into an elf."

"You seem to be turning into something," Rose says jokingly, but she knows he won't take it as one.

"So, John, do you still have that boner," Sollux asks, trying to keep a straight face. John blushes. His cheeks turn bright red.

He leans over to Rose. "How many people did you tell," he asks her, angrily.

"Everybody we know." She smiles. Usually she was the one that was against doing things like this, but this was just too good to pass up.

"'Define everybody we know.'"

"Oh, you know: Jade, Gamzee, Karkat—"

"Wait. You told Karkat?!"

"Not really. I told Gamzee and he said he would tell him as soon as he woke up."

"Great."

"And I've also told Terezi, Dave—who told Dirk—who then told Sollux. Jade told jake and somehow Dirk, here, was able to contact Aradia and tell her."

"Yeah," Dirk spoke up, "she said she would tell all the other trolls there as well. Even Calliope."

"My life is ruined…"

"It isn't ruined until Eridan finds out," Sollux reassured John.

"Rose, why would you do this to me?"

"Think about it as payback."

"For what?"

"For starters, making Kanaya originally think I had an IQ of seven."

"That was unintention—wait, SEVEN?!"

"She didn't say seven, John."

"Oh."

"I just said that because I personally thought four was too low."

"…"

"Then, also think about it as payback for your 'prankster gambits' kicking in and pranking everyone. Now they all have something to remind you of if you ever pull anything like all of that ever again. Jane could also take that as a warning as well if she were here."

"Okay, getting off the topic of weird boners, what are we going to do about my ears?" Feeling a twitch, John reaches up and feels that his ears have become more pointed.

"You don't want to know," Sollux says, almost like a warning.

"It isn't as uncomfortable as the eyes," Rose says.

"And why exactly should I trust that statement," John asks. "You are a human. You do the makeup. You don't have to feel the pain. For all I know, you could hack the tips off with a pair of scissors!"

The cafeteria silences as everyone looks up from their trays of food and looks over at the small group. "Well, this just turned awkward," Dirk says.


	3. Investigation: Begin

The bell rang to begin the next lunch. On the way back to class John and Rose run into Kanaya, who immediately notices John's ears. "John—"

"I know about the ears."

"I wasn't talking about the ears, but they are starting to creep me out."

"Then what were you talking about," asks Rose.

"I was going to say that while you were painting John's eyes I took a small skin sample for testing."

"Why would you need my skin? Obviously I'm changing into something. It's pretty obvious.

"I did it for precautions. It is quite possible that it is some sort of alien disease. After all, we did pass by a lot of civilizations on our way here. There is a type of supervirus about five light years away that turns its hosts into goo. It is possible that it could have a different effect on humans.

"…Soooooooo, let me get this straight: you took a piece of my skin to see if I was turning into goo."

"Like I said, it may have a different effect on humans."

"Obviously I'm turning into something that isn't goo, Kanaya."

"John, you aren't listening to me."

"I'm just saying, I'm not turning into goo."

"John, I Know That! You Aren't Listening To Me! Gog, You're Acting Like A Stubborn Little Grub!" Kanaya storms off into the cafeteria.

You become bored with John and Decide to follow Kanaya around for a little bit now…

After lunch, Kanaya goes to her biology class. Today they are working on viral diseases, which means…ELECTRON MICROSCOPES!, electron microscopes for everybody!

"Okay, class," the teacher, Ms. Paint says, "in order for this to work, you have to follow my instructions. After following the instructions Kanaya flips a switch and the image of the magnified John's skin specimen. It almost didn't even appear human anymore, though it didn't in the first place considering it was just a piece of skin and not an actual human being…

Anyway, Kanaya knows what human cells look like. These cells from John's skin looked more like plant cells…or are at least beginning to look like them. They appear to be forming cell walls around the thin, flexible membranes. And it's all happening right before Kanaya's eyes.

"It looks like you've got a hold of some microbial cysts," Ms. Paint says. "Extra credit for you because they're typically hard to get a hold of. And by the way it looks, the cysts are just beginning to form. So, I guess that means extra-extra credit for you, Miss Maryam."

"Thank you," Kanaya replies. She knows that this isn't good. From her basic understanding of human biology, cysts aren't a very good thing. She comes to the realization that John could possibly die from this thing, if they don't figure out what it is and get it treated soon. Since the teacher doesn't care and she's done with the microscope for now, she decides to troll Rose about the alarming discovery.

  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix `[GA]` began trolling tentacleTherapist` [TT]` at 13:13 --

  


GA: Rose I Think We Might Have A Bigger Problem Than We Originally Thought

TT: Why is that?

GA: Well I Put The Skin Sample Underneath The Microscope In Biology And It Appears That Johns Cells Are Forming Cysts

TT: Oh, well, this isn't good.

GA: I Kind Of Figured It Wasn't

TT: Do you think that all of his cells are doing this?

GA: From The Rate At Which The Cysts Are Forming In The Specimen I Would Say It Is Quite Possible

TT: How are we going to tell John?

GA: I Will Leave That Up To You To Decide Because He Doesnt Seem To Want To Listen To Me Very Much Lately

TT: Okay, I'll try to think of something. Should we tell everyone else as well?

GA: Not Right Now

GA: I Want John To Find Out First

  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix `[GA]` ceased trolling tentacleTherapist `[TT]` \--

  


Something isn't quite right about all of this, and Rose knows it. Stuff like this just doesn't happen all at once. There has to be a reason behind it, but what? Rose knows there's a way to find out, but she just has to figure out how to contact him. Or perhaps…it?

Back at home with Gamzee and Karkat, who is beginning to feel better, but only slightly, we see that Gamzee is completely worn out. Karbro is just too sick for him to handle. Fortunately, there is only s few minutes of school. John and Jane would be home in only about fifteen minutes to take over. But not before Karkat spews some HCl all over the place, including on Gamzee himself. For once in the stoned out part of his life Gamzee's signature smile straightens itself out into a slight disgusted frown as Karkat's fresh vomit drips from his hair, nose, chin, and other facial areas. He dry heaves from a little bit of it landing in his shocked mouth.

Gamzee decides it's more important to clean up the newly created supermassive mess in Karkat and John's room, which he regrets. It takes him every bit of ten minutes to clean and sanitize it all, when it typically took only a couple. Immediately after he finishes he cleans off his face, which only took him a couple minutes. Not realizing that John and Jane got home early because of John's erratic anger-driving, he walks out of the bathroom, making his way down the hall to his room when he almost runs into John, who freaks out for a minute before realizing it's only Gamzee.

John stares at Gamzee's face. The three scars from Nepeta's claw-glove stand out like three sore thumbs. Without the clown makeup his indigo eyes stand out and burn through anything in their lines of sight. "Take a motherfuckin' picture. It'll last longer," Gamzee says coldly, a hint of sobering up in his voice.

"Chill. I just came back here to check up on Karkat."

"You motherfuckin' think I can't take good motherfuckin' care of my motherfuckin' moirail?!" Gamzee is beginning to sound more angry than cold.

"No, I just…Gamzee, you should know by now that Karkat and I are matesprits…or whatever that flushed quadrant thing is called! Of course I'm going to be concerned for his well being! It has nothing to do with you!"

"John, I don't think Gamzee wants to hear about your Kanaya and Rose problems," Jane shouts from the kitchen while getting herself an afterschool snack. John doesn't reply. They had an argument in the car about talking with Rose and Kanaya. John refused to speak to Kanaya at all since his misunderstanding of what she was saying. Though he still doesn't believe he misunderstood anything. Now Kanaya wants to talk to him about something "important" and he won't answer his gog damn pesterlog, except, of course, for anyone else. He talks to Gamzee again, "Just get out of my way so I can go see Karkat."

"While you're at it you can take over takin' motherfuckin' care of him. I need a break."

"Just go, Gamzee."


	4. Forget about Fingernails

Forget About Fingernails

Karkat lies passed out under several blankets. His fever has gone down since earlier this morning when John and Jane left for school, but only by a couple tenths of a degree. Celsius.

The bleach, though having a strong chlorine smell, couldn't mask the smell of the stomach fluid that had been expelled by Karkat just fifteen minutes earlier. So John walks into the room and is nearly knocked on his behind by the overpowering stench emanating from around the bed and the walls and…Karkat's backside…

…Well, that's kind of embarrassing…for both Karkat and John: Karkat because he isn't doing it intentionally and John because he's probably going to have to check to make sure Karkat hasn't soiled the bed…again. It isn't his fault that humans don't have recuperacoons with sopor slime to dissolve all that literal crap.

Now that the thought crosses his mind, John begins to worry if some of that sopor-slime acid may be responsible for that rash he had down…no, that thought is banned for reasons too personal for you readers to know about. But yes, it does involve the troll on the bed.

John walks cautiously over to the bed, aware that there could either be a puddle of weird brownish-red stuff there for him to clean up, or that there is a loaded cannon ready to fire a brownish-red liquid-y cannonball his way as soon as he moves the blankets. Why does he choose that side to check? Because karkat is lying right next to the edge of the bed and John doesn't feel like reaching all the way across his and Karkat's queen-sized bed to pull back the covers on the other side. When he reaches down he notices something wrong with the nail on his right middle finger. When did it get bruised?

It wasn't really bruised so much as it looked infected. The lunula appeared to have turned a pale shade of yellow. The rest of the nail, excluding the tip, was turning an odd shade of reddish-purple. The tip itself seems to be rotting away. "John," Karkat moans, beginning to wake up from a short, miserable nap.

"I'm here, Karkat. Just relax."

"John…what's wrong…with your voice?"

"My…my voice? Nothing's wrong with it."

"Yes…It's all scratchy and…scraaaaaahhhhhhhtchy." Karkat yawns.

"Hmmm," John hums to himself to see if his voice is scratchy, but he notices no difference. "Karkat, I think you're just hearing things." Karkat is fast asleep once again, unable to hear anything John says or does. "Well, I guess I better check the bed…"

Just as he begins to pull the covers up Karkat reaches his hand out and grabs Johns arm quickly, startling him. "Karkat, I thought you were asleep."

"DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I AM AND WHAT I AM NOT! DO YOU THINK THIS IS ALL JUST A GAME?!"

"What the…"

"ANSWER ME! I DEMAND TO KNOW RIGHT NOW! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT WHORE PIECE OF SHIT JOHN?!

"Karkat, what are you talking about?"

"GAMZEE, ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW?! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SLEEP WITH THE JOHN HUMAN BEHIND MY BACK?!"

"Karkat, I—did you just call me a whore piece of shit?"

"JOHN! GO AWAY AND SLEEP WITH GAMZEE AGAIN! NOW! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN AND CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!"

Jane and Gamzee burst into the room to see what's happening. "John, why is Karkat yelling, besides the normal reason," Jane asks.

"I don't know. I just went to check the bed to see if he soiled the sheets and he grabbed my arm and started this."

"Are you motherfuckin' hurtin him?"

"Gamzee, you do realize he's addressing you in his little rant, right?"

"He grabbed your motherfuckin' arm!"

"Gamzee, this is why I never wanted you to stay here. You get to violent without your sopor slime."

"JUST GO! FUCK YOU ALL!"

"So, does this mean that our rekindlin' moiraillegience is motherfuckin' over?"

"I don't know. If that's the case then me and Karkat are over too."

"I guess I could probably call Rose over to…Oh my god! John, what's wrong with your finger?!" Jane suddenly becomes more worried about John.

"I don't know." John looks down at his hand to see that not just his middle fingernail, but all of them on his right hand have rotted away, except for the yellowing lunulae. "Jane…call 9-1-1."

"John, 9-1-1 only worked in the old universe."

"Then what's the fucking emergency number for this one?!"

"I don't know! Call dad, he'll tell us!"

"No. I don't want dad to know about this."

"John, your fingernails are rotting away to nothingness. I don't think there's any chance he won't notice."

"Well, call Rose."

"Why not Kanaya," Jane asks, putting a serious look on her face.

"Because Kanaya doesn't know how to listen."

Gamzee's phone rings. He goes out to the hall to answer it and returns a few minutes later. "It was Kanaya. She said she wants to talk to John but he won't answer anything."

"See, John, Kanaya has been trying to get a hold of you ever since after lunch and all you've been doing is ignoring her."

"Fine, call her. Invite her over to dinner. Do whatever, just leave me alone while doing it."

Jane and Gamzee both give John a dirty look on their way out the bedroom door. John looks down at his hand, still missing fingernails. He looks around the room for something to cover up his hand. All he sees is a silver glove with silver sparkles belonging to Karkat. He knew that if he even touched it Karkat would go all kismesis on his ass for a while. And a few nights of hateful love making isn't John's idea of a good time in bed.

But he is kind of desperate. Hopefully Karkat knows that his rant was over a dream and wasn't real. John can only hope. If Karkat believed his dream, that would only add on to the kismesissitude that would half-way develop between them. Seriously, why does Karkat love Michael Johnson so much? After all, he barely even likes troll music back on Alternia.

But desperate times call for desperate measures. Surely enough Karkitty would understand…right? Hehe, right?

Okay, John, Karkat won't get TOO mad. There will only be a little bit of blood left behind. Candy. Cherry. Red. Blood.

"Karkat, you won't mind if I borrow your Michael Johnson glove, would you? Go on another little rant for 'no.'"

Karkat snores.

"Okay…snore again for 'no.'"

Karkat remains silent.

"Well then. Remain silent for 'no.'"

"NOOKWHIFF!"

"I'll consider that a little rant." John walks over to Karkat's desk. Karkat keeps the glove in an airtight jar on his desk to keep it preserved and clean. Karkat sure can be weird…wait, are all trolls psychic? I hope not. Karkat, if you can read my mind, I didn't mean weird in a bad way. And, could you just ignore everything in my mind from now on?

Okay, John has finally lost it. He's crazy. Attempting to keep his mind completely blank, he silently opens the jar and reaches his hand in.

I SWEAR, IF JOHN TOUCHES MY GLOVE, EVEN JUST ONE TINY PATHETIC CELL IN HIS BODY TOUCHES THAT GLOVE, I WILL MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, SEVER HIS HEAD, AND SHIT DOWN HIS PROTEIN CHUTE!

Okaaaaaaaay, that was a fun little tease that John just now pulled. Now to pull out his hand and replace the lid. It appears that Karkat can read his mind and even put his voice in his head. That's enough for John to reconsider everything he has done and ever will do again.

John looks back down at his hand. The rotting appears to be spreading to the first knuckles on his fingers. The tips are a weird shade of reddish-purple-ish-blue…ish, just like his now-nonexistent fingernails. Now that Karkat has warned him about the glove, he is kind of afraid of it. he has to find another way to hide his hand. Maybe Karkat won't be so mad if we role play with the glove? John, stop thinking like that. Karkat will be pissed if you touch that thing.

"John! Kanaya's here," Jane calls from the living room.

"Oh shit," John says to himself. He suddenly finds himself in a panic. Perhaps if I can just get away with keeping my hand in my pocket…

He shoves his hand in his pocket. His other hand slaps his mouth with his forefinger and thumb pinching his nose to muffle a scream ripping away at his lips. The nerve endings exposed after his fingernails rotted away definitely do NOT get along with the fabric of his pants pocket.

"John, get your motherfuckin' ass in here before I come in and carry it!" Okay, so he thought he could stall a little bit with Jane, but Gamzee? Never. Not in a million years would it ever be okay to make Gamzee wait, unless you're Karkat. Gamzee idolizes Karkat. "I'm coming," John shouts back.

John attempts to hold his hand in a position where the fingertips won't be in contact with the fabric in his pocket. After doing so, he attempts to wear a straight face, though he knows that the pain still shows through anyway. Why couldn't he have bought an extra pair of aviators when he bought one for Dave?

He walks into the living room. Kanaya sits patiently on the couch with Gamzee, Jane, and Dad, who just got home, in the chair across the coffee table. "John," Dad says, "I think your friends have something to tell you."

"By the sound of your voice it doesn't sound good," John replies.

"I haven't been told a thing."

John sits in the love seat between the couch and chair. Kanaya turns to him to begin to talk. "John, I'm not sure about how I should approach this, so I'm just going to say it: there is a very good possibility that you are going to die."

"Kanaya, like I said before—"

"John, I fucking know that you aren't turning into a fucking pile of fucking goo! Just Shut Up And Let Me Talk!"

"Okay. Calm down."

"I put the skin sample on one of the electron microscopes in biology, and something very alarming and surprising came up. it appears that every cell in your body is forming a microbial cyst."

"And that's bad…how?"

"John," Dad joins in the conversation, "a microbial cyst is something a microbe, say, a bacterium, forms around itself when conditions for its life are not ideal. The cysts stay until conditions are ideal. If your cells are forming cysts, that means that something isn't right. Human anatomy cannot handle microbial cysts."

"Oh."

"I talked to Rose about it and she said she would try to contact someone who no one has ever seen before, well, actually, he has been seen, but only at his haunted house on Halloween. He does appear very different."

"Kanaya, why are you all doing this?"

"Because we don't want you to die." Her phone dings. She looks and sees that she has a new message from Rose. "John, would you mind if I take this? It's from Rose."

"No."

  


\-- tentacleTherapist `[TT]` began pestering grimAuxiliatrix `[GA]` at 15:45 --

  


TT: He said yes.

GA: Okay Im Here Talking To John Jane And Gamzee Right Now

TT: Okay. He said to stop by around noon tomorrow.

GA: Okay Where Does He Live

TT: Just meet with me after school and I'll drive us. It will only take a half hour.

GA: Okay

  


\-- tentacleTherapist `[TT]` ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix `[GA]` \--

  


"We are supposed to meet Rose to go converse with the first guardian tomorrow."

"The who now," Dad asks.

"Not you, sorry, you are to stay here."


	5. A Compromising Position

"What the heck is a first guardian," Dad asks, worried because 1. he has no idea what a first guardian is 2. why would the kids need to talk to it?! Whatever the reason, it can't be good.

"It's a person, or animal, or, uh, thing," Gamzee can't seem to get the right words out, "that is like…all motherfuckin' knowin' and some shit. They like, protect the motherfuckin' world."

Dad has that look on his face that says Really? Why are you still here? He, like John, obviously doesn't like Gamzee. And his foul mouth doesn't really help. "I thought God was the only omniscient being."

"Dad," Jane says, "God is a myth. That was proven to us by Sburb when we played it."

"What's Sburb?"

"Oh, right…I forgot the guardians have no memory of any part of the game whatsoever…" Jane says to herself. "You know what…you can believe what you want to believe, but it will be wrong."

"Guys, can we stop fooling around and just not worry about it," Kanaya asks, obviously annoyed. "The first guardian is not one to joke around about."

"How many of us are going," John asks, trying to change the subject.

"Well, there's you, me, Rose, Dave—"

"No. Not Dave. There is no way I'm letting him see me like this."

"See you like what? John, I thought you weren't gay."

"Dad, we've already been over this. I never told you I'm not. I never told you I am. But I can tell you that Dave and I will never happen."

"Then why are you so worried?"

"…" John might've just trapped himself. If Dad finds out what's happening with him, John will be taken to the hospital and will miss his chance to find out what's wrong. He needs to find a way out of this sort of situation. "…uh, I have a really bad cold and I'm just not my best." He gives out an obviously fake cough to prove he has a cold and continues talking while Gamzee facepalms in the kitchen behind Dad. "I've suddenly lost all my self-esteem. I mean, seriously, I look absolutely hideous." Okay, he just said that in the gayest tone possible. I could have said that a little bit more masculine-like.

"John, I think it's time we had the talk."

"Oh god, no! Nope. Nope, nope, nope." With that, John absconds to his and Karkat's bedroom, where Karkat has somehow managed to roll off the bed without anyone hearing a loud thud.

"The talk about what," Kanaya asks. She knows a little bit about humans and their "Talk," but she doesn't actually know what all it's about.

"Nothing, just how to stay committed in a relationship."

"That's Dad talk for 'sexy times.' You know, like the ones you and Rose have when her mom isn't looking," Jane whispers in her ear.

Kanaya's eyes widen in shock. "Okay." She smiles nervously. She didn't really need to know that humans talked about that with each other. She thought it was just something that they just know.

  


* * *

  


In their bedroom, John attempts to get Karkat back on the bed, but with only one hand and a one hundred and seventy-five pound troll to pick up, that's kind of impossible, for him at least. Karkat can't be comfortable on the floor like that… Uh oh, John is thinking again. Perhaps he won't mind if I use his glove to help him back on the bed…

And just like that we're back to the glove. You would've thought he'd have learned NOT to touch Karkat's Michael Johnson glove EVER after what just happened literally ten minutes ago. Yet for some reason, he still decides to reach for the silver sparkly glove anyway. He picks the jar up off the desk with his left hand. When he begins to bring his right hand out of his pocket to carefully unscrew the lid, it's stuck. His hand is caught in his pocket. He begins to struggle trying to break free of the accursed contraption, but with one strong yank causes the jar to slip out of his hand and shatter on the floor by his feet. It shatters with a loud noise, echoing through the room and entering the hallway. In the living room, everyone hears the shatter, and Dad goes in to check on him. After the jar shatters, John knows he's in trouble. "Oh shit," he mutters to himself. Panicking, he begins to yank harder, attempting to free his hand. If he doesn't get it free soon—"OH MY GOD!"

There is a reason Vriska nicknamed him "Egderp."

What made it worse was that his back was turned slightly to the door, so slightly that what John was doing, though completely innocent-ish, looked horrifyingly wrong. What made the situation even worse than that, was Karkat was no longer in bed, and lying on the floor, just a couple feet away from John's feet. His head was turned toward John on the floor. What made the situation even worse twofold, was John's breathing became heavy from struggling. He didn't have the most stamina out of the group.

Please let him be talking about the glove. John can only pray to a nonexistent deity at this point…wait, he can pray to the Godheads, but they won't listen, like always.

Commence awkward Father/Son Moment:

"John…"

"Dad…"

"Uh…"

"Uh…what?"

"Uh…I uh…think I'll just leave you a-alone while you uh…finish?"

"Okay. This could probably take a while though." Oh my god, I did not just say that…

"So, uh…yeah, I guess I'll be going now…"

"That would be a relatively good thing to do." John can't even look at his dad right now, let alone talk to him. What did he even think John was doing? No, let's not think about that.

Dad leaves rather awkwardly. He needs to remember to bleach his eyes later. And prepare for the most awkward talk of his and John's life. He shudders at the thought.

John walks over and shuts the door with his free hand. He needs to get his hand free of his pocket before someone barges in again. Unfortunately, with the way that this weird species makes pants, the pockets are all made like the rear pockets of human pants. Therefore, in order for him to invert the pocket and free his hand, he must first take off his pants.

Which is something he would never mind doing with Karkat around.

That is also the problem.

Karkat is in the room with John. People are awake, and home, so there is a danger in taking his pants off. And with Karkat's face on the floor and the way he's laying there, so peacefully, is off the charts on the cuteness scale.

Which is bad for John because that usually gives him a boner.

To make the situation worse, the door has no locks. Dad doesn't allow them, except for the bathroom door and the exits. He does love his privacy in there. And Karkat and John typically sleep nude. At the current moment, there is nothing but a paper thin blanket separating John's mind from the trolls plush…round…juicy…

Okay now stop thinking like this, John. You have to be careful. John, facing away from Karkat, unbuttons and unzips his pants, and gently slides them off, careful not to make any sounds. As soon as they're off, he inverts the pocket to find that…

His fingernails have grown back. But they grew so that they would cover a little bit of the excess fabric at the bottom of the pocket, which they then closed around, fusing his fingers to the inside of the pocket.

Just then, as John heads over to the dresser next to the bed to retrieve a new pantalon, Gamzee opens the door and quickly walks into the room, curious as to what Dad was freaking out about, and surprised at the sight before him. "What are you doing to Karbro?!"

"(Gamzee, keep it down!)" John does that little whisper-yell thing that humans are known to do when they get angry sometimes. "(This is not what it looks like! Karkat was already on the floor when I came in here.)"

"Why should I believe you? You are the one in his motherfuckin' underwear, creepin' around trying to be all sneaky, sportin' a bo—"

"(Gamzee!) Remember the nails?" John holds up his right hand with the new demonic fingernails which had grown around the fabric. The pants dangle underneath.

"Woah," Gamzee can only stare at this oddity. No amount of sopor slime could have ever given him that kind of trip. "Am I high right now?"

"I hope," Karkat mutters just audible enough for them to hear. "Why am I on the floor?"

John and Gamzee both ignore the mutant's question. "I don't know what happened or how it did this, but when Dad walked in, I thought I was going to die. He acted like he caught me doing something. I was actually trying to get my freaking hand out of my pocket."

"Do you need me to hel—"

"I need you to go get Kanaya. Don't tell her what's wrong, just say that I have a little bit of a problem that needs to be dealt with."

"Okay. Should i—"

"I think it would be a good idea for you to. I don't want you to spill anything to Dad about this."

"Okay I'll be right back motherfucker." Gamzee just called John a motherfucker. That's his word for friend, right? John certainly hopes so. That would mean that he's kind of off Gamzee's kill list. Right?

  


* * *

  


Gamzee walks out to the living room. Kanaya, Jane, and Dad sit, talking about what Dad had just witnessed. Gamzee walks over and taps Kanaya on her shoulder, which immediately grabs her attention. "Uh, John has a little bit of a problem that he says needs your help to be dealt with." Dad's eyes widen. He definitely has the wrong idea. He drops his pipe out of his mouth, which gets ashes over the white carpet. Oh well, they were going to get it replaced anyway.

"What seems to be wrong," Kanaya asks, concerned that it may or may not be what she and Jane were just discussing with Dad. Gamzee leans down and whispers in her ear. At hearing what the problem is, she lets out a small chuckle, then tries to put on a serious face, which doesn't calm Dad's nerves at all. He would've stopped her from going if he wasn't too shocked at the occurrence.

By time Kanaya and Gamzee return to John's room he had helped Karkat back onto the bed. John was explaining the current strange events that had been happening, and Karkat was about to doze off once more. But it was evident he was trying to listen, which is something Karkat rarely does.

Kanaya doesn't immediately notice that John isn't wearing pants. Gamzee had only told her that John's hand was stuck in his pocket. But when she walks around she sees John sitting on the bed in what appeared to be a pair of Karkat's boxers, which it turns out the two share since they're the same size and it saves money.

Why she would know what Karkat's boxers look like? It's pretty obvious. They're gray with little cancer symbols on them. Why not red? Guess.

Walking further she sees John's arm holding his body. His hand and wrist are covered by some blue fabric, which she recognizes as the pants he was wearing five minutes ago. "Uh, John," She begins, "How, exactly is your hand stuck?"

John is startled. He was too wrapped up in telling Karkat his story that he didn't even realize Kanaya and Gamzee in the room. He holds up his hand. "The, uh, fingernails came back."

"Oh." Kanaya leans in to get a closer look. One thing she notices immediately is the odd color of the nails. They are yellow, and thicker. She can faintly see a little blue underneath where the nails have grown over the fabric. "Isn't that a little painful?"

"It wasn't at first, but now it is getting a little annoying." John is almost a little nervous about what Kanaya plans to do about the pants. Though they weren't necessarily the most comfortable for humans, they were still his favorite pair that actually fit. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. We might just have to cut the pocket off."

"What, we can't just cut this tiny little flap off?"

"We could try. Gamzee, why don't you go get us a pair of scissors." Without saying a word Gamzee darts out the door to the kitchen, where he reaches into a drawer, pulls out some scissors, and darts back to the bedroom. "Gamzee, don't hurt John! And don't run with scissors," Dad shouts at him.

"Thank you," Kanaya says as Gamzee hands her the sharp bladed device. It each cut the pants had a little less support keeping them up, and it was starting to tug at the pieces of fabric still connected and inside John's fingernails, causing him a great deal of discomfort. Just before Kanaya could cut around the last two nails the pants fall, tugging out the fabric, making John scream out in pain. "God damnit!" Gamzee shoved a sock into John's mouth to muffle his scream. It didn't taste clean. And it tasted like Karkat's.

Dad runs into the room, followed by Jane, who is also worried. "Gamzee, I told you not to hurt John!...oh?" he notices Kanaya on her knees on the floor and holding a pair of scissors, John in his boxers and a tee shirt with a dirty sock shoved in his mouth, Karkat suddenly feeling well enough to have jumped up at Johns scream, and blood coming from yellow finger tips. Plus he could swear John's skin has gotten slightly paler.

"Jane, what was that screaming," Dave says over the phone, which Jane forgets she's holding.

"Oh, nothing. Definitely not John screaming in pain. Hehe."

"Jane, who are you talking to," Kanaya asks.

"Uhhhh…no one. :)" She leaves before anyone asks anything else.

Dad almost appears traumatized at this point. "Can somebody please just tell me what the fuck is wrong?"

John spits out the sock. "Okay, first of all, ewwwwwwww, secondly, language, dad."

"John, this is my house. I will talk how I want to talk."

"Yes, 'do as I say, not as I do.' We all know. All I know is that there is nothing you need to be concerned over. I'm probably just coming down with a little case of the flu."

"A little case of the flu?"

"Yes. I believe that's what I just said."

"John, we thought Karkat had a little case of the flu. Now look at the poor creature," the kids become nervous that Dad is on to something, "hardly able to move, can't eat, can't stay awake for more than a couple minutes, gray, and has these large bumps on his head that look severely infected. You can only hope that it's just a little case of the flu." Oh, thank gog, the kids think in unison, excluding Karkat, who is too weak to care at the current moment.

"Okay, dad, you may be right. It might be worse than it seems, but you need to stop worrying. I'll stay home tomorrow if you want me to."

"I would like that very much. Gamzee can take care of you too, can't you, Gamzee?"

"Sure."

"Who knows, if it's bad enough, I might even stay home tomorrow to make sure you're ok.

"Uh, Mr. Egbert, that wouldn't be a good idea considering that we have an appointment to speak with the first guardian tomorrow," Kanaya says.

"So, you can reschedule."

"I spoke with Rose while you were here witnessing something, and she said that he said that we Will be there. There are no ands, ifs, or buts about it."

"Fine. I will go with you."

"He also said to tell you not to go along."

"He knows about me because…why?"

"He's omniscient. All first guardians are."

"Fine. Whatever. I'll leave you guys alone so you can all go back to torturing John, since I won't be needed tomorrow. But," Dad turns to John, "you are staying home tomorrow with Karkat."

"Except for the visit with the first guardian," John replies.

"Yes, whatever." Dad leaves, leaving everyone else with John once again. "You know, my fingertips are in quite a bit of pain," John says nonchalantly. Kanaya grabs a couple bandages from the bathroom and dresses his fingers.

"Now, John, try not to have anything like this happen again," she says in that motherly tone she's known for.

"It's not my fault."

"I have a couple theories about your condition," Kanaya replies to John's statement. "One of them suggests that it may just be your fault, unwittingly, anyway."

"Oh well, I just want to put some pants on so people can stop barging in and getting the wrong idea."

"Then do that. Goodbye, John. I'll see you tomorrow when I pick you and Gamzee up to go to the first guardian's mansion."

"Bye." With that, Kanaya leaves. Saying goodbye to everyone else as she walks out. She has a pretty good idea about what's happening, but she just doesn't want it to be confirmed. If it is what she's thinking, John may never be cured. She guesses she'll find out when they converse with the first guardian tomorrow, given that the way he looks doesn't freak everyone out. He is only seen in person on Halloween, when everyone assumes he's wearing a costume.


	6. A Date with the Guardian

John doesn't set his alarm that night. He thinks about going to school anyway to spite his half-brotherly-adoptive-father, but decides against it. It's only a half day, so they wouldn't be doing much anyway.

He wakes up around three in the morning beside Karkat, who is staring at him with a nervous look on his face. "What," John asks quietly in case Dad is up.

"You snore too loudly."

"What?"

"It was scary."

"Karkat, what are you talking about?"

You were growling in your sleep and it woke me up and was scary."

"Did Gamzee give you any sopor slime?"

"No."

"Are you feeling well?"

"No." That explains it. Karkat was probably dreaming. "I've been listening to you for ten minutes." Okay, perhaps not.

"Karkat, you don't act like you aren't feeling well." Great. He's sleeping again. That whole two minute conversation was weird. Karkat just acted like he was just this innocent, shy kid, not someone who is probably dying.

But what does he mean by "growling?" John decides to forget about it and goes back to sleep.

Six hours later, John wakes up, gets out of bed, and goes to the bathroom to go through his morning routine. Had this been any other normal day, he wouldn't have taken a look in the mirror. But today, like yesterday, isn't normal.

The water stings…scratch that…burns his eyes as if it is acid—chromic acid—or so it felt. It isn't the water much so as it is the moisture in the air mixing with the eye paint, causing it to run. He closes his eyes, which makes the burning worse, which makes him close his eyes harder, and so on and so on.

Upon exiting the miserable shower John wipes his face off, dries his hair, and wraps the towel around his waist. Not opening his eyes to see his path, he made his way cautiously back to the bedroom, where Karkat still lies sound asleep, for the next thirty seconds anyway.

Fast-forwarding thirty seconds, John has finally gotten the courage to open his eyes and face the burn, which has somehow subsided, leaving him with only slightly-impaired vision. He moans. This is going to be a long, long, miserable day. And it's just getting started.

With this…

John bends down to grab a pair of boxers out of the second-to-bottom drawer. As he puts them on, he notices something different "down there."

Poor little Karkitty, who likes to sleep soundly when he's sick, wasn't expecting to be awoken with a rather loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!" practically right next to his ear. Startled, he jumps up and barely misses the bed on his way down. He slides down against the side of the bed, and lands in an uncomfortable position on the floor. If he wasn't feeling twice as good as he was yesterday he would've been unconscious by now, but he's able to stay awake. And now he has a pretty good view of what John is screaming about. He stares at John as a…bone bulge? suddenly appears from between his legs.

"Uh, John,"

"I can see that, Karkat."

"That isn't normal."

"Really?!" John can't help but to be a little rude. "Karkat, I'm sorry, I—"

"I understand, John."

"You—you do?"

"Yes. If I was going through all these weird changes I would probably act the same way."

"Karkat, don't say that. You don't realize what I've been through the past day."

"I don't have to to know that it's stressful. If I wasn't still violently ill I would try to help out somehow."

"It's okay, Karkat. Just get back in bed and get some more rest."

"John, I've been awake a total of perhaps a half hour in the past four days combined. I don't think I really need any more rest." Karkat gives a slight chuckle, one thing that anyone, even Karkat, has experienced from him for just now the first time.

"I take it you're feeling a little bit better?"

"A little bit. I still feel like shit though."

Okay, now back to reality…John has a bone bulge, otherwise known by some people as a tentadick. "I would assume that this is the whole "weirdest boner ever" thing that I experienced yesterday…"

"What?"

"Nothing." John is shocked at this. He honestly has no idea how to even react to something like this. Neither does Karkat because, well, he's still sick and this has never happened to anyone he knows before. "Karkat, should I be worried?"

"I don't know. This has never happened before."

"Oh well. Me and some of the others are going to see the first guardian in a few hours so I guess I'll get answers from him. I just hope this isn't serious."

"John, your fingernails are yellow, your eyes are orange and sunken in, and now you have a bone bulge. I don't think this is anything minor." Karkat tries to keep calm with John saying stupid things, which just so happens to be about half the time. But sometimes it gets hard to. Just like now, when he begins to sound a little frustrated. "I think it's serious and something to be worried about."

"I don't know. Kanaya says that my skin is forming these 'microbial cysts,' whatever those are."

"John, a microbial cyst is something that can harm a person, especially if ingested. I can't imagine my skin forming them. I would be very worried if I were you."

"Well, damn, no need to get impatient with me."

"I can't help it. You're being stupid."

"I am not being stupid!"

"Well, you're saying stupid things!"

"I am not."

"Yes you ar—" Karkat is interrupted with a perfectly timed vomit fountain erupting from deep in his digestive system. John had barely just enough time to get out of the way before some of it splashed to where he'd just been standing. When Karkat is finished, John sneaks his way around the large puddle, grabs some clean clothes out of the dresser, ignores the socks because they are in the drawer closest to the foul-smelling substance, grabs his sandals over by the other wall, and leaves. "I'm just going to leave you here to clean this up yourself," he says coldly. Karkat didn't really mind, neither did John. The two always had petty little fights like this; at least one a week. But that only added to the fun in their matespritship. And it meant more action. The last one they had was only a few days before John began his transformation, and the night before Karkat became violently ill.  


* * *

  
Around quarter-till-noon, Rose pulls the van up to John's driveway. In it sits Jade, Jake, Kanaya, Dirk, and Dave, as well as Rose because she's the one driving. John is a little nervous. What's he going to tell everyone? What will the First Guardian say about all this? Those are questions that didn't have to pop into his mind at a time like this.

After attempting to stall for a couple minutes, the occupants of the automatic vehicular device outside become impatient, and Rose honks the horn, which causes Gamzee to stir in bed and almost wake up. "Alright! I'm Coming!" John shouts out to Rose, who can't hear him so she honks again, which only frustrates John, who can't get the idea through his head that the walls of the house and car and the revving of the engine might be blocking out all noise inside the house from reaching her ears. He was always an intelligent kid.

He finally makes his way out to the car five minutes later. He is scolded by Rose for being late, or on time, who knows when the First Guardian is actually expecting them, being all omniscient and everything.

"John, you are going to make us late doing that," Rose says.

"Rose, this is the First Guardian we're going to. He already knows when we'll be there so we don't have to worry about being late." Rose doesn't respond, she only lets out a little giggle and drives off toward Beq Mansion.

Beq Mansion is named for the First Guardian, who resides there. Among the three that we already know, plus the one that we're about to meet, he is, by far, the weirdest. And you thought a four foot tall cue ball was a little weird.

The mansion lies over one hundred acres of land, all enclosed by a gold-plated elegant fence, with the only entrance secured by a large, silver-plated gate. The mansion itself sits on the geographic center of the property, which is a relatively large, clear hill compared to the smaller, wooded ones around it. On the property sits four ponds, one shaped like a dog's head, one shaped like a cat's head, and one shaped like a cue ball, perfectly round. The property itself bears a resemblance to the Garden of Eden—paradise, with a multitude of life, including lusii and some animals from earth, like cats, dogs, snakes, rabbits, etc.

The mansion is a one hundred thousand square foot house, which is by far way too much room for just the one person inhabiting it, but he does know the room will come to good use in about one unspecified unit of time.

**Okay, enough about the property.**

Rose parks the van next to a large fountain in the center of a roundabout in front of the mansion, exactly where she was instructed to park. "Okay, everyone, time to meet the First Guardian," she says with a wide smile on her face.

"Can he just come out here? I really don't feel like going inside," John complains. He can't help it; he just really doesn't feel like doing anything today.

"Unfortunately for you, no. For the rest of us, John, I think it would be best for us to go inside." John knows by the tone of her voice that they just want to go in and have a look around. They could probably honestly care less about meeting him.

They walk up to the front door and give it a good, hard knock. Nothing happens for a minute until the door opens seemingly on its own. The group walks in and become awestruck by the sheer beauty of the architecture. The foyer area could fit John's entire house inside, and John's was the largest of the group's. The floors, walls and ceilings are marble, along with marble columns and arches, all with gold and silver trim, and a rather elegant staircase ascending to the next floor. "So where do we go now," Dave asks Rose.

"I'm not sure. He never specified. I assume if he's anything like he sounded, he might want us to go up the steps."

"Why, how did he sound," John asks, nervousness hinting in his voice. It's obvious there is something that he doesn't want anyone to know.

"He sounded like a first guardian. I don't know how to explain it, but I could just tell that he would want us to go upstairs." Everyone follows Rose up the grand staircase, hoping to not get in trouble. The First Guardian does have a reputation of not putting up with trespassers.

On reaching the next level they encounter a door that seems slightly out of place. "This is it," Rose says like she knows exactly where they are. She opens the door and walks in. everyone else follows her. They all walk into a room with a beautiful red carpet, ravishing purple curtains and a fireplace. It was unlike everything else they had seen in the mansion previously, and it was beautiful.

Suddenly, behind them the door closes. They all turn back to see a large, eight-foot tall, pure white beast, except for his mouth, wearing a white suit with a green neck tie standing in the doorway. "Hello. I am Bequerius, the First Guardian," it says. "I presume you are all here with an appointment?"

"Yes," Rose says calmly, though she is a little freaked out about him now that she is actually able to see him up close and get a good look at his features. She isn't sure if this is a trap or if he is actually a sincere person. If you would call that a person.

"Have a seat," Bequerius addresses everyone. He points his hand at a couch and two love seats. "I'm quite sure you will find the furniture quite comfortable." After the kids sit down in their seats he sits down as well in a chair right across from them. "Now, even though I already know the answer to this question, it will still strike conversation, so why exactly are you here?"

"Our friend, here," Kanaya points to John as she speaks, "has been undergoing some weird 'transformations' in the past day or so. We would like to know why."

"Yeah," John speaks up, "what the fuck is happening to me?"

"Boy, that question is not mine to answer, just as it is not yours to ask." Even though John seems a little impatient, Bequerius still remains in a calm manner.

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"You will find out soon enough." Kanaya reaches over and clasps a hand over John's mouth to keep him quiet. "Please excuse him. He's been acting like this since yesterday," she says apologetically.

"I take no offense to it. I do realize the condition he's in, and I guess I should tell him that he need not worry about it. I will not tell. You can take your hand from his mouth. He will calm down in time." Kanaya pulls her hand away, leaving John to give her the stink eye. "You didn't wash your hands before you left school," He asks her. Her eyes go wide. There was no way he should've known that. Knowing the story behind that hand earlier and its position on John's face, Beq lets out a slight chuckle, so slight that no one notices.

"Rose, you can calm down as well. I will not eat anyone." Rose blushes. She obviously forgot that he knows what she's thinking. "What," she asks, trying to hide her thoughts from everyone.

"I said I will not eat anybody. It is the Becquerel part of me that controls that. It is what keeps me loyal to the universe and its inhabitants."

"What," Jade asks, "you have Bec in you?" She gains a little bit more happiness from the fact that her loyal pet is there in the room with them.

"Yes, but it is not all of me, child."

"What do you mean by that," Jake asks, extremely confused, causing his Australian accent to grow even stronger. Everyone, even the two with the hysterically strong Texan accents laughs, making Jake a little embarrassed.

"If you all would allow me to explain; I am comprised of three different first guardians: Becquerel, who keeps me loyal to the universe and its inhabitants, Doc Scratch, who composes my charismatic attribute, and Belious, otherwise known as God Cat, who gives me my mischievous side. Because I am three different Guardians in one, I possess the omniscience of each of their respective universes, as well as my own—this one. I have the face of Becquerel, the ears of GCat, the body and hands of Doc Scratch, the claws of Becquerel, and the feet of all three combined. Each of my two feet has features from each guardian. It sounds complicated, but to me, it is relatively simple to understand.

"Now, back to the matter at hand, as I said, it is not my question to answer, neither is it any of yours to ask. But, it can become a permanent issue if it is not cured in time. That is something that I cannot say for sure. What happens between now and then is beyond my control.

"Unfortunately, the cure must be with the help of a godhead. Even more unfortunate is that that godhead would be Karkat's. This is why I'm not so sure about future events. With Karkat, anything can happen. Most likely you will not convince him to help, but if you manage to convince John's godhead, perhaps he can convince Karkat's. After all, the two godheads, like their mortal selves, are in a very devout matespritship. I assume it would be possible if you go to John's first. I would imagine he doesn't want his mortal self becoming some sort of beast."

In an attempt to find out what happened with John earlier, Dave asks, "So what's wrong with John?"

"Nice try, but I am a man of my word. I will allow him to tell on his own time, or you can go to Karkat for that information. He saw the incident."

"That reminds me; when is Karkat going to be well again," John asks, trying to change the subject.

"He will be feeling well enough to actually be able to eat by this time tomorrow. He will be able to resume normal, everyday activities twenty-four hours later. His condition, believe it or not, is actually related to yours, being it is a part of it."

John takes a minute to digest that last statement. "But I haven't been feeling like death," he says, completely confused.

"I do believe Kanaya will find out what it is. She will tell you everything about it, and it will all make sense, perhaps not to you, John, but to the trolls—and myself, of course."

"Yeah, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

"It will all make sense in due time." With that Beq checks his watch. "If you all don't mind, our time together is up. I must get going to another part of the mansion for another meeting with a very important guest of mine," he says apologetically. As the kids walk out the front door out to their van, Beq calls out to John, "Oh, John, by the way, I would tread carefully when Casey gets back from band camp." After that the seven drove off. John is left confused as to why he should be careful around Casey, his adopted daughter from the game. He had completely forgotten about that. And so did our narrator.

Casey is due back from band camp in two days, the same day Karkat is scheduled to be all better. And the same day godhead knows what John will be like by then.


	7. Sopor Slime and Blown Tires

After the kids leave, Beq teleports to a room on the other side of the mansion. The guest that he mentioned to the kids actually turned out to be a number of guests—the godheads themselves, all of them. Upon Beq's entrance, Jade's godhead walks up to him. "Did it all go according to plan," she asks.

"No. I told them what they needed to know, nothing more and nothing less."

"You are a fool," Dirks godhead speaks up. "You are going to ruin the entire thing!"

"No, you, sir, are a fool. You have no reason to be acting like this. None of you do. They did nothing to you and you make them suffer in return."

"That's exactly the thing," Sollux's godhead says. "They did nothing to us. They treated us as if we didn't even exist. We did nothing to deserve that treatment."

"They used you to fight Lord English. If that isn't an acknowledgment, I, with my own omniscience, don't know what is."

"But they stopped using us after that."

"They wanted to return to their normal lives. They wanted to live normally for once; take a break from reality, if you would."

"And that's why we're doing this to them," John's godhead gets a chance to speak. "We are merely allowing them to do just that."

"No, you are not allowing them to do that, you are forcing them to. Then you go and abandon yourselves when they need you all the most."

"It's only a game, Bequerius. They surely know that," Kanaya's godhead says, in a calm manner.

"That's just it. It is only a game; a cruel, unjust game which bears no bounty for either team. Now please, I wish to hear no more of this. I would like for you all to go." Beq begins to walk out the door of the room when Jade's godhead speaks up one last time. "Bequerius, you come back over here now! You will not leave me, your own mas—" faster than light, Beq teleports over and slaps the Space Witch with the back of his right hand, allowing his claws to graze the skin, scratching it. The slap leaves a large, red mark on her cheek. She grabs it in pain and shock.

"I serve no one. Not you, not them, not anyone."

"Apologize now, Dog!"

"No! I will not apologize for what is deserved! Now leave!"

"You do not have to tell us what to do. Apologize, or die!" Dave's godhead defends Jade's, pulling out his sword.

"DIE?! YOU DO NOT TELL ME TO DO ANYTHING, BOY! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO KILL ME!" Beq gets in the Knight's face, bearing his massive fangs at the frightened godhead. "I AM THE ONE WITH THE OMNISCIENCE HERE! I NOW EXACTLY HOW TO KILL YOU!" He gives a warning. "YOU ARE MY GUEST. YOU ARE ALL MY GUESTS! AND THEREFORE, YOU WILL NOT SPEAK THAT WAY TO ME!" He glares at all of them. "THIS GAME THAT YOU PLAY WITH YOUR MORTAL SELVES HAS LONG OVERSTAYED ITS WELCOME, JUST AS YOU ALL HAVE IN MY HOME! LEAVE NOW! IF ANY OF YOU SO MUCH AS SHOW YOURSELVES ON OR ABOVE MY PROPERTY, I WILL NOT HESITATE TO KILL YOU!" The house develops a deathly green glow as Bequerius' anger grows, which frightens the godheads. Whether they like it or not, they realize that they are powerless against a first guardian, even Jade's who has Becquerel's powers. She doesn't have full omniscience of her universe because of the way Bec was created, and she has nowhere near any form of omniscience of this universe, making it impossible to know what will happen next when battling Bequerius. Frightened and begrudging, they all leave. Deciding whether or not to heed the Guardian's warning.  


* * *

  
"Guys, I think we forgot Gamzee," Kanaya informed everyone just as a loud thunderclap engulfs their van.  


* * *

  
Back at home, Gamzee wakes up, hearing a loud thunderclap. He looks outside to see a frightening green glow in the direction of the First Guardian's mansion. "Well, it looks like someone angered the motherfucker," he says to himself. He hopes it was John because if it was, no more Egderp to deal with, but the First Guardian could've also killed everyone to, so at the same time, he hopes they had already left.

He gets dressed and heads down to the basement. There, he pulls a couple of bright green pies out from under the furnace. He takes them back upstairs to Karkat. "Here, Karbro, I brought you some lunch."

Karkat stirs and opens his eyes, which meet two sopor slime pies being held in front of his face. "You brought two," he asks, surprised.

"Yeah, motherfucker. I thought you deserved it." After he says that Karkat digs into one, and then the other. "Now, remember though, this is our motherfuckin' secret."

"Yeah," Karkat says with his mouth full of sopor slime.

"Seriously, bro, not even John can know."

"Uh huh." Karkat keeps eating. "I haven't told him yet."

"Good."Gamzee watches for a minute. "You finish that up and I'll be right back." Karkat ignores him and keeps eating. He finishes the two pies five minutes later.

Gamzee come back with a rag after painting his face and enjoying a slice of sopor pie himself. He wipes off Karkat's face, cleans up the vomit on the floor which Karkat never did clean, and grabs a garbage can for him in case he throws up again, because, you know, trolls and buckets don't mix very well outside of mating…

Anyway, for right now, the two have the house all to themselves. Gamzee decided to get out monopoly, a game which John introduced to the trolls trying to help them understand this human concept of "capitalism." Karkat, for some reason always picks the car as his token. Gamzee always picks the hat because there isn't a horn and he likes hats, for some odd reason.

Perhaps this is the day Karkat finally beats his stoner juggalo moirail, though he kind of doubts it.  


* * *

  
"Really? I know that didn't just happen," John says annoyed. "I guess this is what we get for not following the First Guardian's directions exactly."

"John, it's okay," Rose says reassuringly, though there is a hint of annoyance in her voice as well. "It's only a blown tire."

"Do you at least have a spare?"

Rose thinks for a couple seconds. "Uh…no." John raises hands in that "of course" manner humans are known to do when they are annoyed at something.

"John, just calm your tits," Dave says. "By the looks of you, it would appear that this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened."

"No, but it adds to the despair."

"John, don't you think 'despair' is a rather strong word," Kanaya asks in her motherly tone. Due to her jade-blooded nature, it's hard for her not to.

"It all depends. Am I completely miserable? Yes, yes I am! 'Despair' is not a strong word. In fact, I would call it rather weak!"

"John, I said calm your tits."

"Dave, that would be easier to do if I still had tits!" Everyone looks at John, kind of creeped out that he would even say that. "I mean nipples, or whatever they're called on boys."

"Look, everyone," Rose says, "I'll call mom for help." She gets on the phone and calls home. Roxy picks up.

"Hello?"

"Roxy, put mom on the phone."

"You mom, or me mom?"

"You mom."

"Okay, I'm here. Why are you calling?"

"Roxy, this isn't the time for joking. Put the youher on the phone now."

"Fine! Whatever! Just get your panties untangled."

Rose waits for a couple minutes while the teenage Roxy goes and gets the grown up Roxy. John just sits on the edge of the road waiting for nothing.

Now would be a good time to explain their position. After they had left, Bequerius had a little confrontation with the godheads, which ended with them fleeing for their lives and a shockwave ripping through the surrounding few miles. Unfortunately, the front-right tire on Rose's minivan had a weak spot, which blew from the force of the ultrasonic sound wave ripping through the air. The wave itself was heard as a loud thunderclap for tens of miles into the areas surrounding Beq Mansion. In other words, Bequerius is not one to fuck with.

"Hello," a voice calls from the phone.

"Mom, finally," Rose says.

"No, I'm just kidding. It's still me."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Yeah, I am. But it's actually me this time."

"Are you drunk again?!"

"For once, no. I'm just as surprised as you are."

"Good. I need you to bring the spare tire for us."

"Why, what happened?"

"During that weird thunderclap one of the tires blew out. We've been left stranded here because of that."

"Where are you?"

"Some country road leading back into town from the First Guardian's mansion."

"Okay. I'll be right there…it is the only one going there, right?"

"Yes. And it's kind of hard to miss us. We're the only ones out here; stranded in the middle of fucking nowhere."

"Rosaline, watch your language. I'll be there in about twenty minutes to get you your tire."

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

Well that could've been less painful. Roxy has always been difficult to talk to as an adult, just as Rose is as an adult. Like mother, like daughter. Suddenly, breaking the silence and tension, Kanaya calls out, "Everyone, if you can all come here, I have something to say regarding John's condition."

Everyone gathers around a large oak tree beside the road where shade is provided. Once the kids are all seated, Kanaya begins. "I have been thinking," she says, "John, I may know what is wrong with you."

"Really? After all that sciency stuff with those cyst things, you think you know what's wrong." John can't be more annoyed at a time like this. "Does it involve me dying? Because that's what I would really like to do right now."

"John, that makes me want to not tell you what's wrong. But, because I'm trying to be a good friend here, I will anyway."

"Just spit it out, trollpire."

"Okay, I have no idea what that means…but anyway, John, I think you are a weretroll."

"A what now," Dave asks.

"A weretroll. It is another species that becomes a troll. It is an old Alternian and Beforan legend. It isn't known how one becomes a weretroll, but most likely you've been in contact with another."

"Do you know how to cure it," John asked, suddenly more worried than annoyed.

"No, but I do know that unless you are cured by the second bilunar perigee of the first dark season' equinox, the condition will become permanent. John, if we don't cure you by then, you will be a troll for the rest of your life." John's lower jaw somehow finds its way to the ground. Like seriously, woah. "John, are you okay?"

He is shaken out of his stupor. "Yeah, I-I'm just shaken by all this, that's all." he has no idea how to even begin to wrap his mind around this. Seriously, a weretroll? That sounds like werewolf. But those don't exist. I don't think so, anyway.

"So, what you're saying is that John was bitten by a troll and is now becoming one," Dave asked rhetorically.

"Uh, I don't know," Kanaya replies, not knowing the definition of the word "rhetorical."

"Kinky," Dirk chimes in. John's face goes red.

"Just shut up," John says, a little embarrassed at Dave and Dirk's comments. "Kanaya, do you know for sure if I'm a 'weretroll?'"

"No, but I'm pretty sure of it." After saying that, she pulls out her phone and begins a new trolllog.


	8. Chapter 8

\-- grimAuxiliatrix `[GA]` began trolling _ [ ] at 13:15 --

  


GA: I Think I May Know Whats Wrong With John

(`I bet you do.`)

GA: You Arent Going To Tell Me If Im Correct In My Assumption

(`You haven't told me what it is yet.`)

GA: Oh Well I Do Believe He May Have Become A Weretroll

GA: Is This Theory Correct

(`Yes. You are correct in assuming the worst possible scenario for his condition.`)

GA: So He Is A Weretroll

(`I do believe that is what I just typed, yes. Do you wish for me to go into depth about it?`)

GA: Yes

GA: I Know What A Weretroll Is

GA: I Just Dont Know How It Happens

(`Okay, it is difficult to choose an area to begin the synopsis, but I will explain in the best way possible.`)

  


Kanaya attempts to fully understand the concept of a weretroll. Of course it is similar to a werewolf in many ways, but there are certain criteria that must be met, meanwhile, Adult Roxy hasn't yet shown up with the spare tire.

  


\-- Current tentacleTherapist `[TT]` began pestering Future tipsyGnostalgic `[FTG]` at 13:12 --

  


TT: Mom, where are you?

TT: Hello?

TT: Damn it, woman. Answer your damn pesterlog!

FTG: sorry i cant find you

TT: What do you mean "I can't find you?"

FTG: ive been driving for like a half hour and havent seen you or your friends

TT: Well, we haven't seen you either, so you must be on the wrong road.

FTG: no im on the right road

TT: What road would that be?

FTG: …

FTG: the one youre on

TT: Oh my god, you don't even know what road you're on?

TT: I can't believe you.

TT: I really can't.

FTG: well it isnt my fault you never said which one it was

TT: I did too. I said it was the only country road leading to the First Guardian's mansion.

FTG: oh i thought you said going to the backyardigans

FTG: no wonder im confused

TT: Really?

FTG: what

TT: Really…

TT: The Backyardigans? Mom, they don't exist. They're fictional characters of a dumb television show. Besides, that was in our old universe. That show doesn't even exist here.

FTG: then where am I going

TT: I don't freaking know. You are probably going in the completely opposite direction of us.

TT: Just…wow. Right when we actually need your help, you fail miserably at providing it.

FTG: glad to see im appreciated

TT: Keep doing crap like this and you won't be.

TT: When can we expect you here with the tire?

FTG: perhaps about another hour since i made a mistake

TT: You made more than a mistake.

  


\-- Current tentacleTherapist `[TT]` ceased pestering Future tipsyGnostalgic `[FTG]` \--

  


Okay, let's face it, Adult Roxy is a screw up. A major. Screw up. Rose facepalms.  


* * *

  
Back home, Karkat has lost his and Gamzee's monopoly game (he lost in fifteen minutes) and now they sit together on the bed, heads together, watching tv. Their eyes are glazed over and pupils large from excess amounts of sopor pie. They stare at the screen, amazed by the flashing colors.

"Woah," Gamzee says, awestruck.

"Yeah," Karkat replies, smile forming on his face. "This is motherfuckin' amazing."

"You said it my motherfuckin' best friend."

They both sit, beginning to drift off into a doped stupor when the front door begins to unlock itself.

"Yo man, is John home already," Karkat asks.

"Does it really matter, Karbro?"

"Nah, I was just motherfuckin' wondering."

The two are stoned beyond recognition. Fortunately, Gamzee knows to put his human disguise on because Dad walks in the room a moment later. "Have either of you seen…what—what are you two doing?"

"We're just getting our motherfuckin' chill on," Karkat says, not even trying to hide his high.

"Karkat, are you—"

"I am motherfuckin' perfect, bro."

"Gam—"

"I am too, motherfucker."

"Should I be worried about you two?"

"Nah, man. Just sit down, grab a pie, slam a faygo, and enjoy the colors on the tv," Karkat says, seemingly higher than before. Dad stares at the two, but mainly at Karkat, trying to figure out why the hell he's acting like this. He thought Karkat hated faygo and couldn't stand the sight of those weird pies Gamzee always makes. Seriously, what ingredients does he put in those things? They look radioactive.

"I'm just trying to find John. Have either of you seen him?"

"Nah, man. I think he went over to that one guy's place or whatever."

"Oh, shit, was that today?!" Gamzee suddenly becomes un-stoned or whatever. He'd completely forgotten about their meeting with the First Guardian. "They're probably dead because of me."

"What—Why would they be dead," Dad asked, worried the fuck out now.

"Because I didn't go! I was supposed to go, but I didn't. Now he probably got pissed and killed 'em all!" Gamzee runs out to the kitchen and grabs his key. When dad hears them jingle he call out to him, "Hey, wait for me! I'm coming too!" They both leave Karkat alone with all the pretty…flashing…col…ors…

And he's out of it. Karkat slips into a stoned coma.  


* * *

  
A few hundred miles away, a little girl waits on a call from her daddy. What will the name of this little girl be?

Enter Name: TURDTRAMP WASTEOFSPACE

**Try again, Smartass.**

Enter Name: CASEY EGBERT

**Much better, Dipshit.**

As previously mentioned two lines ago, this little girl's name is Casey Egbert, the adopted daughter of John Egbert from the game. During the entrance into the new universe she was transformed into a human, so it wouldn't be weird having an adopted salamander daughter named after a character from John's favorite movie of all time. Right now, she sits at a picnic table awaiting a call from John. He usually calls her around this time every day to see how she's doing and what all she's learned. But today he hasn't called, and she's starting to feel sad.

As the camp leaders call everyone into the main building there, her phone begins to ring. Seeing it's John, she immediately picks up and begins to run inside with everyone else.

"Hello," she says happily.

"Casey."

"Yeah?"

"I have to tell you something very important, okay, sweetie?"

"Yeah."

"When you get home, I may not look the same as I did before, okay?"

"What?"

"Casey, just listen to me. Daddy isn't going to look the same when you get home. Don't panic or freak out, okay?"

"Okay." What the heck is he talking about? Did he get plastic surgery? Did his grumpy boyfriend, who Grandpa Dad doesn't know about, but does, do something to him? Did his grumpy boyfriend's weird stoner friend do something to hurt him? All these thoughts run in her mind as she tries to understand what John's trying to say.

"What do you mean," she asks nervously.

"Okay, everyone, I need you all to pay attention to me," the camp leader calls out before Casey can get an answer.

"Okay, daddy, I need you to call back later. I have to go. I love you. Bye."  


* * *

  
"I love you too, sweetie. Bye." John hangs up the phone. Great there goes his perfect opportunity to tell Casey that he's turning into some horrible bea…I mean kind, friendly, misunderstood human-like creature.

"Well, how did it go," Dave walks over to John to sit down and talk.

"I didn't get to tell her. She had to go before I could." John stares at his phone. "To be honest, Dave, I can't even think of how this would've happened."

"Well, Kanaya's over there chatting with that Bequareeus guy, or whatever his name is, trying to get some answers."

"Dave, she's been chatting with him for six hours. The sun is going down. If she hasn't gotten any yet, who's to say he's going to tell her anything?"

"Well, I guess you're right. I mean, after all, he does have some of GCat in him. I've heard that GCat wasn't the best First Guardian ever, always causing mischief and mayhem wherever he or she went."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"What?"

"Well, I would assume you're right about that because today was the first time I've ever heard of GCat."

"You need to get on top of things, Egbert."

"Hehe, yeah…on top."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing." Come on, John focus. You can't just slip up like that. What you and Karkat do is your business.

"John, you've been acting weird all day."

"Oh, I'm coming, Kanaya." John panics. Kanaya, hearing her name, turns around to find out what's wrong and John comes running over.

"John, I didn't hear Kanaya say anything…and there he goes." Dave was just having a nice little chat with his best bro and he runs away. Typical John.

John runs up to Kanaya to make it look believable. Not expecting a response, he jumps at Kanaya's, "What do you need?"

"Uh, I just came over here to escape Dave."

"Why? Is he making you uncomfortable?"

"No, I…I just keep saying the wrong things."

"Oh. Well it's a good thing you came over here. I was about to gather everyone anyway."

"Why?"

"Bequerius is almost done informing me about your condition."

"What," John says flatly.

"Yes, it is a very complex thing. So complex that it has taken this entire time to explain. He's almost done though."

"How do you know that?"

"He said so."

John's phone begins to ring. "Who's calling, John," Kanaya asks.

"It's Dad. He probably wants to know where we are." As he goes to answer his phone it shuts off. "No!" He begins smacking the sides and pressing the power button, anything to turn it on. "The battery can't be dead! Oh, man, Dad's going to kill me!"  


* * *

  
"Gamzee! Slow the fuck down! You're going to kill us or take out an axle or both!" Dad is thrown everywhere as Gamzee hits pothole after pothole going a hundred miles per hour. "Do you even know where we are?!"

"No! I thought we were just gonna drive around and look for them!" Really?! Dad would be facepalming soooooooo hard right now if it wasn't for being tossed around by Gamzee flying through potholes.

"They could be dead right now and we could be going in the complete opposite direction! Where does this First Guardian guy live?!"

"I don't know! I was just going to drive around until we found it!"

Dad takes his phone out and dials John. The line closes almost immediately. "Damn it! His phone's dead!" Now he becomes really worried. He may never see John again.  


* * *

  
Karkat opens up the refrigerator door. Being high has made him hungry…for more sopor pie. Now he just has to find Gamzee's stash. His eyes are droopy and he feels tired after just waking up from what he thought may have been a small coma, but it just turned out to be a slime-induced nap. The nap was just enough to start to bring him out of his so desperately wanted high. HE NEEDS MORE FUCKING PIE!

Anyway, Karkat searches the entire kitchen, but to no avail. Where else would Gamzee keep his pies? Good question. If I was some sort of ecstatic pie, where would I hide from Joahn's Dad? *John's*

The attic? No, the attic is inaccessible. The basement? Perhaps. Karkat travels down to the basement in search of the beloved green goo.

Unfortunately he makes it to the first step before his loopiness causes him to trip. He falls face first down fifteen steps and hits the hardwood floor with a thud. He is knocked out yet again from being completely high beyond recognition.


	9. Karma's a Bitch

Dad sits in a ditch on his knees, his elbows resting on his thighs and hands gripping the sides of his head. His face holds the look of terror, and his stomach feeling no better. He breathes heavily after just vomiting on the side of the road. There is no way he's getting back in the car with Gamzee, unless he drives. Ten minutes ago he had Gamzee pull over because he was feeling ill and threw up as soon as he stepped out onto the shoulder.

Since then Gamzee has been literally honking the horn. Dad has yet to figure out how Gamzee managed to make it sound like a clown horn, but it was getting annoying. "Alright! I'm coming!" He walks back up to the vehicle and around to the driver side. He opens the door and without saying anything, throws Gamzee out. He climbs in and replaces the juggalo as the driver. As if there is a mutual understanding between the two, Gamzee runs over to the passenger side and climbs in. "Gamzee, remind me to never ever let you drive me, or this car, anywhere ever again." With that he takes off in the opposite direction from which they were previously advancing. Dad doesn't know who this First Guardian guy is, but he will find him, and kill him.  


* * *

  
The kids and troll gather around the back of the van. The door is open to allow a couple of them to sit comfortably. The others either stand or sit on the ground. John and Jake sit in the van. The two look identical except for their hair, eyes and clothes…and the fact that John is a little bit grayer than normal, now with claws on his hands. Ten minutes ago he got an itch on his arm and when he went to scratch it he tore his skin. He looked to see he has sharp claws for fingernails.

Kanaya begins talking. "Okay, everyone, I have conversed with the first guardian and now know exactly what's wrong with John. I know how it happens, I just don't know how it possibly could, considering that the nearest troll that could've possibly done this would be over a hundred miles away in a tribe."

"Just spit it out already," John says impatiently.

"It has been confirmed that you are, in fact, a weretroll. But you are a certain specific kind of weretroll." Kanaya almost sounds intrigued by that fact, though she's just the messenger and learned this a couple hours ago.

"What kinds of weretrolls are there? In human culture we have a thing called a werewolf, but there's only one kind."

"A were…what?"

"Wolf, were wolf."

"What's that?"

Obviously Kanaya doesn't know as much about human culture as she had thought. "Kanaya, werewolf in English translates into _human wolf_ or _wolf man_." John can't believe this.

"What's a wolf?"

"It's uh…" Dirk begins. He can't remember what Terezi said was the troll word for wolf. He knows "dog" is "woofbeast," but he can't think of "wolf." "I think in your speak it would be a 'growly woofbeast.'"

"Oh," Kanaya hides the fact that what Dirk just said makes absolutely no sense at all, but she heard "woofbeast" so she assumes it has something to do with dogs. "But, as I was saying, John, unlike your 'werewolf' myths, weretrolls come in several different types."

"Then which one am I?"

"You would be a second-generation weretroll."

"A what?"

"A second-generation weretroll—it is a creature that has been bitten by a first-generation weretroll…passionately."

John's eyes widen. Everyone notices. "Ooh, John's guilty of something," Jake says mockingly and gives a playful punch to John's arm.

"John, have you had any passionate moments with a first-generation weretroll?"

"Uh…" is all he manages.

"Can you…show, us," Kanaya asks cautiously. After a moment, John tugs the collar of his shirt to reveal a full set of bite marks just above his left shoulder.

"I only did it with Karkat," he squeaks.

"How long ago," Rose asks.

"Last Thursday, the day before he became ill."

"So, that would mean that Karkat is a first-generation weretroll," Dave asks, surprised.

"He couldn't be," Kanaya says in shock. "He has never given any signs or symptoms of being one."

"What are the signs," John asks.

"Well, violent mood swings, which Karkat only has one mood: mad—therefore he can't have mood swings, let alone violent ones."

"Is that all?"

"I do believe that's the main one."

"So, what happens with the bite where it has to be a passionate one," Dave asks.

"Well, for some reason, troll genetics, unlike human or other animals, can only be carried through reproductive acts and emotions. And unlike humans, trolls can only reproduce when the emotions are either love, or hate. Trolls can't just have sex for fun like you, Dave."

"Woah, when did my sex life, like I even have one, get involved with this?"

"The minute you asked about the passionate kiss," John says, slightly annoyed.

"Anyway," Kanaya continues, "During a normal bite, saliva typically surrounds the marks and helps heal them, but during a passionate, love or hate-filled one some cells are scraped off the insides of the mouth by a tiny temporary spike on the tongue. Usually, the troll isn't even conscious of this reaction, but once the cells make contact with the blood, of any species, they break apart and the deoxyribonucleic acid stored within them attempts to 'break into' the other surrounding cells. Only first-generation weretroll deoxyribonucleic acid—"

"Kanaya, you could just say DNA instead. It saves a lot of time and breath." Rose lets out a small chuckle.

"Whatever, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, only first-generation weretroll deoxyribonucleic acid is powerful enough to penetrate the cellular membranes. From there it makes its way into the nucleus and takes over, kind of like a virus. But it doesn't reproduce itself. No, instead the new code which has taken over tells the cell to form a wall. The surrounding cells notice this, especially since the original infected cell leaks out a hormone telling the others to follow suit, and begin to do the same. After this process, the _DNA_ in the other cells react to the hormone released and begins to transform into the troll DNA. After this, the DNA tells the cells to realign themselves to a more familiar pattern, more resembling that of a troll.

"Unfortunately this process, like I said before, has only until the second bilunar perigee of the first dark season' equinox until it becomes permanent."

"Great, when is that in our time," John asks hopelessly.

"Well, I do believe that…" Kanaya begins calculating in her head, "let's see here, carry the one…subtract the apogee from the Earthian cycle…" she talks to herself, "Doing the math, it comes out to Wednesday of next week."

"Okay, that means we have a little over a week to find a cure," John says.

"Well, it may be Tuesday, or even Thursday. All I'm certain of is that it's one of those three days."

"Okay."

"Anyway, onto more interesting information: something very peculiar happens to the first-generation weretroll after the passionate bite."

"And that would be what," asks Jade. She's already concerned about her brother, and now, being closer to Karkat than ever, she's beginning to become more worried about his well being as well.

"Well, I'm glad you asked, sort of. I was going to say before you interrupted."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, Jade. Now, what happens is that after the passionate bite, the first-generation weretroll becomes violently ill, before temporarily becoming a part of the victim's species."

  


* * *

  


Meanwhile, back at John and karkat's house, Jane unlocks the door and steps in, and flips on a light. Behind her, Terezi helps Sollux into the door. Sollux barely makes it in without falling flat on his blind face.

"Why didn't you just ask Aranea to cure your sight," Jane asks.

"Because I didn't feel like it," Sollux replies grumpily.

"Ugh," Jane says, pinching that little bridge between her eyes…whatever it's called, "you two are imbeciles."

"Says the batterwitch's heiress," Terezi retaliates.

"Yes, hahaha. I laugh, ha ha." Jane gives a mock laugh. Then realizes something. "I wonder why no one's back yet."

"I don't know. We just came to see Karkles."

"Yeah, now that you mention it, I haven't heard him or seen or heard Gamzee yet either."

"You think that maybe you should search for them," Sollux asks.

"Good idea," Jane says enthusiastically. And then, having a brain fart, she says, "Sollux, you search downstairs." Really, Jane, really?

"Uh, you do realize that you just told a blind person to search a basement, alone, right," Sollux complains.

"Oh, Sollux, stop being such a wiggler," Terezi begins scolding him. "I was blind for how long?! Hell, I lived in a fucking treehive, hanging scalemates off the branches, walking, no, running along the branches, and even had to climb a fucking rope to get in and out of it! If I can do all that, you can handle a task as simple as going down a few fucking steps and looking downstairs!"

"But you were able to smell colors and all that shit. I can't."

"I was doing all that before I was taught to smell and taste color. Now go, you big grub!"

"Ugh, fine. If it means so much to you that I get hurt, so be it." With that Sollux heads in the wrong direction.

"Sollux, the stairs are the other way," Jane says.

"Whatever." Jane grabs his hand and takes him over to the door. As he goes down the steps, Jane and Terezi search upstairs. "Karkat," they shout, hoping for a response. "Gamzee!"

Sollux does the same thing, but thirteen steps down he trips over something blocking the steps and falls flat on his stomach, hitting his jaw on the floor. "Ow." He feels something rather warm and squishy beneath his feet as he tries to get up. Jane and Terezi run over to the basement door to see if he's okay when they see it.

"Uh, Sollux," Jane begins.

"What?"

"I think you just found Karkat."

"Really? Where?"

"You just tripped over him, you klutz," Terezi says."

"What? Oh, KK," he says, bending down to console Karkat, "I didn't mean two hurt you."

Jane and Terezi are immediately surprised when they hear Sollux's voice.

"But you have to admit," Sollux continues, "Karma'th a bitch, ain't it, Kk."

Prothething…

Prothething…

Prothething…

Prothething…

"Uh, Terethi, Jane, am I lithping?"

"Uh…" Jane and Terezi try to come up with some sort of answer. "No, not at all."

"I know you're lying."

Okay, so somehow his lisp came back. Perhaps it was because his false teeth were knocked out of place when his jaw hit the floor. Ironically, the same thing that took it away gave it back. Oh how lucky he is.

"Perhapth we should call a doctor."  


* * *

  
Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, Casey is getting ready for bed. John agreed to call her back, but he hasn't done anything yet. Suddenly her phone rings. Is Grandpa Dad.

"Hello?" She answers.

"Casey?" Great. It's daddy's grumpy boyfriend's weird stoner friend.

"Can you put grandpa on the phone?"

"Nah. He told me to call you, li'l sis."

"Put him on the phone."

"Woah, chill."

"No. Put grandpa on the phone now."

"Girl, I am starting to sober up. Now you talk to me or I kill grandpa."

"You do what now," Dad asks in a questioning tone, as if to give Gamzee the chance to change what he said. "Gamzee, I don't have time for this shit. Just ask her if she's heard from John and hang up and let her get to bed."

"Whatever." Gamzee goes back to the phone, "He wants to know if you've heard from John."

"Yes. He was supposed to call me back…but he hasn't." Casey's tone suddenly turns sad.

"Oh, well," Gamzee tries to think of what to say, "We've been looking for him for a few hours now. I think the reasoning is that I drove off in the wrong direction. Would you happen to know where the First Guardian lives?"

"Yes, who doesn't?"

"Me, your grandpa, and apparently the adult Lalondes. Adult Roxy has been trying to find them to get them a spare tire since like, 2:30." Beside him, Dad get's this look on his face that says "Really?! This information could've been helpful several hours ago."

"What happened with their tire?"

"I don't know. There was this weird little thunderclap and it caused a weak spot in their tire to go boom. Their van has been crippled ever since." Saying the word "crippled" makes him think of Tavros, who he had to leave behind in the Furthest Ring for obvious reasons. He wishes Tavros could've come, but he's dead. Dead people can't go inside universes.

"Oh. When he called he just told me that he wasn't going to look normal when I get back on Thursday."

"No, he won't. He looks all weird and shit."

"Gamzee! That is not the type of language to use with a ten-year-old!" Dad suddenly gets angry with Gamzee.

"Whatever. She's about to go to bed anyway. It's not like you haven't spoken that way around her before." Damn it, he has a point. There have been several occasions where Dad has accidentally let a word or two slip that weren't meant to slip. Oh well.

"I better get off here, sis. I think your grandpa is getting his blood all up in a boil."

"Okay, bye Gamzee."

"Bye li'l sis."

Casey hangs up the phone and puts her pajamas on. She crawls into bed, feeling a little bit better knowing that John is relatively safe. But what does everyone mean by "he looks different?"  


* * *

"Well, it appears as though no one's coming to pick us up," Dirk says, sighing and getting up off the ground. "I think I'm going to just walk home."

"Jolly good idea, Dirk." Jake joins in. "Mind if I tag along?"

"Go ahead," Jade says with a smirk on her face, "You won't be followed." Everyone gives out little chuckles, except for Dave and Dirk, whose faces remain stoic. Jake blushes.

"For your information, Jade, I was just planning on walking. Jake just, I don't even know what he's planning on doing."

"I just want to go somewhere where there's warm, running water and a proper bathroom."

Everyone sits looking at the two boys with smiles on their faces. Then, of course, someone has to ruin the moment. "That awkward moment when we all realize that in the pre-scratch version of our original universe, Dirk and Jake's relationship would be considered necrophilia…" John states with the most serious look on his face.

"Oh my god, John," Jade says, surprised at John's weird, new imagination, "that's so horrible, but funny because it's true!" She, like the other three pre-scratch kids burst into laughter. Now, it's Dirk's turn to be confused for once.

"What does that mean," he asks seriously. He really has no idea. He knows what necrophilia is, he just doesn't know about pre-scratch Jake.

"Dirk," Rose says, coming out of her fit of laughter, "pre-scratch Jake was Jade's adopted grandfather/her and John's biological father. He was killed when Jade's dog Bec was told by Tavros to redirect a bullet she accidentally fired at herself to him and kill him, thinking he was an intruder. He was dead for almost a decade before we entered Sburb."

"What about me," Dirk asks.

"Pre-scratch you were Dave's bro/mine and his biological father. You were killed in a battle with Jack when he was prototyped with Bec."

"Oh, well this is awkward," Kanaya says.

"I feel so violated now," Jake complains. He really didn't need to know any of that.

"With all that aside," Dave begins, "I do think that it may be the intelligent option to abandon our post here. I have watched some alarming increases of wild troll reports on the news. Wild trolls aren't the friendliest, and typically come out at night, and the sun is setting. If we begin walking now, we can make it a safe distance away from the woods before dark."

"Okay, I'll grab the flashlights." Rose goes over to the front of the van and gets the flashlights out of the glove box. "We should go now. Jake, you have any weapons with you?"

"Rose, you know I always carry a gun on me."

"Good. Let's be off, then."


	10. Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee finds a reason to hold a grudge on Dad

"Well, I do believe he's going to have one hell of a headache when he wakes up," the paramedic checks Karkat over for any injuries after he's carried over to the couch. "Fortunately, that's it."

"Well, that's good news, I think." Jane is kind of relieved yet not at the same time. She never really could stand Karkat, mainly because of his attitude, but as long as John was happy, she was. She hates it but it's just her motherly nature towards him.

What's fortunate about the whole thing was that somehow the paramedic hadn't noticed the candy corn-like objects sticking out of Karkat's head. One of which was cracked from being hit against the wall or a step. "How long ith it going to be before he waketh up?"

"I don't know, but if I had a guess, I would say perhaps an hour or so. It's usually hard to tell with someone as ill as he…and as high." It is pretty obvious that Karkat is extremely high considering how glazed over his eyes are when the paramedic shines a flashlight over them. Karkat lets out a small snore. "I would suggest staying with him so that another incident like this doesn't happen again."

"Okay. Thankth doctor." The paramedic leaves, wishing Karkat well. When he leaves, Terezi says, "Thank Gog he's finally gone. I hate people."

Jane gets that look on her face that just says "What?"

"Terezi, if you don't like people, why do you go to school with us?"

"Because I like school."

Jane facepalms. She then looks over at Karkat, who's busy being fondled by Sollux, who's trying not to completely fall over while slowly walking over to the chair. He fails miserably at not falling when he gains enough confidence to move away from the couch a little bit and trips over the coffee table. "Can thomeone pleathe help me get over two the chair?"

Jane begins to walk over, but is stopped by Terezi, who grabs her arm. "Let him do it himself. He needs to learn how to be more self-sufficient."

"Hey, I take great offenthe to that." Sollux gets up carefully. "Terethi, give me your cane."

"No, I don't have to. Besides, I don't carry it with me anymore, like I even needed it in the first place."

"Okay, firtht, you are obligated to because you know what it'th like to be blind. Thecondly, I know you're lying becauthe everywhere we go I here that thtupid thing click againtht the floor as you walk."

Jane, feeling sorry for poor little Sollux, walks up the stairs and grabs Terezi's cane. The truth behind it is that she carries it wherever she and Sollux goes just to brag that she has a cane and he doesn't. Jane walks back down and is met by Terezi, who scolds her for even helping the pathetic blind wimp. "Jane, you are hopeless—" She is silenced by Jane snapping the cane over her head before duct-taping it back together and giving it to Sollux.

"Thankth. Wait, what did you do to Terethi?"

"I shut her up", Jane replies with a smile on her face, which poor Sollux can't see.  


* * *

  
_SNAP._ "Aahh!" John is startled by something snapping behind the group as they walk.

"What is it this time," Kanaya asks, for the umpteenth time since they left the minivan on the road. Perhaps Adult Roxy has finally found it? No, most likely she hasn't.

"I heard something snap. Guys, I think we're being followed," John says nervously.

"John you're imagining things. You're just scared. If you want we'll let you up front so you don't get dragged off by complete nothingness." Everyone but John laughs, even the two stoic Striders. "Dave, you're supposed to have my back in stuff like this," John complains.

"Sorry, John, but nowhere in the contract does it say that best bros have to have each others' backs in things like this." Dave chuckles.

"Look, everyone just calm down," Rose says. "We're only a couple miles away from the city. It'll only take about another hour of walking to get to Kanaya's and my house."

John still acts nervous. "Something tells me this is going to be a long hour."  


* * *

  
Gamzee gets back in the car and immediately lights a blunt he got off someone a couple blocks away while Dad puts gas in the vehicle. "GAMZEE!"

"What, motherfucker?"

"THROW THAT THING AWAY!"

"Nah, man, I need to get my high on unless you want me to kill us both."

"FINE, BUT DON'T SMOKE IT IN THE CAR! Take it back behind the building where no one sees." Please, someone remind Dad why exactly he agreed to let Gamzee live at his house before he kills him.

Dad walks inside the gas station to pay for the gas and get a soda when he notices the story on the news on tv. He asks the clerk to turn up the volume.

"No one knows exactly what caused the loud explosion, but the property and surrounding areas do appear to be unaffected." The anchor rambles on about some odd explosion that happened earlier. That must've been that weird thunder that Dad heard. The anchor continues, "Fortunately, the seven kids who were last seen inside were able to leave in time before the explosion. The First Guardian, however, was not. As of right now, it is uncertain whether or not he survived. Some people argue yes, because he's omniscient, and others argue no for unknown reasons."

"You wouldn't happen to know where the First Guardian lives, would you," Dad asks the clerk when he pays for his soda.

"Yeah, he lives at Beq Mansion. Why? I don't think they'll let anyone until they solve what happened there earlier."

"I'm trying to find my son. He was one of those seven kids that went there earlier and haven't been seen since."

The clerk gets a sad look on his face, as though he knows what Dad is going through with his son being missing. "I don't think they would have made it far before that explosion. I would check that old country road leading up to it."

"Oh my god, I can't believe that. I know exactly where they are," Dad says to himself. "Thank you." He rushes out the door.

Dad gets in the car and drives off away from the gas station toward Beq Mansion. Seconds after he speeds off, Gamzee stumbles out of the alley behind the gas station.


	11. Chapter 11

Karkat wakes with a jolt. He immediately grabs his head in pain, and feels that his left horn is cracked. He tries to hold in a scream, but slightly fails, letting out a small, but loud whimper. After a couple minutes the pain subsides enough for him to open his eyes. _How did I get down here?_ He looks over and sees Sollux lying in a chair, sound asleep. He touches his left horn again. The pain is excruciating, but he keeps his fingers on long enough to feel that the horn isn't just cracked, but split at the top. He figures that conventional Ibuprofen isn't going to help, so he decides to search for Gamzee's sopor stash. He carefully gets up off the couch. He remains careful as to not bob his head the wrong way or get hair on the cracks or split in his horn.

Karkat sneaks around the basement, careful not to wake Sollux. How would he react if he found out Karkat is addicted to sopor slime?

Karkat makes his way out of the living area and into this place humans call a furnace room. Unaware of the low-hanging pipes, his head accidentally brushes against one, irritating his horn. "GOG DAMMIT! SON OF A FUCKASS!" He shouts many profanities, effectively waking Sollux who tries to find Karkat but trips over the coffee table again. "Kk, you okay?"

Hearing Sollux, Karkat quiets down. "Kk, I heard you thouting. I know you're awake." Wait, did he lisp? Since when does Sollux lisp?! Karkat effectively ended that whole thing when he dropped Sollux down the stairs … wait … stairs … _Yeah, that's how I got down here …_

Quietly, hoping that Sollux or that Jane bitch won't walk in on him trying to find out what's wrong, Karkat makes his way around the room, searching every corner, every nook…hehe, nook… and cranny, and eventually the furnace. Inside the furnace he finds two round bright green trays of goo. Is this seriously how Gamzee bakes those things? Karkat doesn't care though. He just wants sweet relief from the pain that is his left horn. He reaches in and, despite the searing heat, grabs a tray and consumes the entire pie, still mostly unbaked, but has the same effects. Within minutes his pupils are dilated and he's hearing colors and tasting sound. He looks down at his hand, which is red and burnt from the red hot pie tray he pulled out of the furnace. "I should probably treat that," he says in a weird, childish, innocent tone, but right now, he's just too high to care.

He stumbles out of the furnace room and back into the living area, where Sollux has found his way back into the chair, still waiting for him to respond. Karkat silently creeps past him, moving into the downstairs parlor. He never could understand the difference between the living area and the parlor, given that the words mean the same thing, but the Egberts and that Crocker bitch insist otherwise.

Upon entering the parlor, Karkat "silently" trips over air, alerting Sollux of his presence. "Kk, you can thtop trying to hide. I already know you're down here."

What exactly doesn't Karkat want Sollux to know again? He forgets. "Solus, can u help me fine Gamze's slime shot?"

"What the fuck? Kk, are you high?"

"So moterfuckin' hi. You have know ideas."

Sollux does a facepalm x3 combo. x3 because Karkat joins in and slaps him, thinking that is the object of some game Sollux is playing. "Kk, I think you might have to lie down for a bit."

"Why, Slolux?"

"Becauthe you're tho doped up on thopor thlime that your thpeech ith thlurring."

"Hehe, you tok funny."

"Yeth, I can thank you for that." he grabs Karkat's wrist quickly while he still knows where it's at and drags the unwilling, high, usually ill-tempered troll over to the coffee table, where he flings Karkat the rest of the way to the couch so he doesn't have to risk tripping over it for the umpteenth time. He fails at not falling when he accidentally brushes too far against it and loses his balance, knocking his glass of water off the table and onto the carpet.  


* * *

  
"Guys, my head hurts," John complains.

"John, our heads hurt just from you talking," Dave becomes increasingly impatient with the weretroll with every word spoken. Everyone's heads hurting is actually an understatement. As is John's headache.

"Seriously, guys, I feel like I'm about to pass out."

"Just hold on for about another twenty minutes, John. We're almost to Kanaya's and my house." Rose attempts to be comforting, but there exists a hint of frustration in her voice.

Another twig snaps behind the group. "Guys, seriously, that's like, the sixth snap I heard behind us." John attempts to complain. It seems that's all he's good at at the current moment.

"John, I wouldn't be quite so sure it was behind us," Kanaya says, a hint of fear in her voice.

"What do you mean, that was definitely behind us. It sounded like it was only a few feet behind me!"

"John, Look!" Kanaya points in front of her. John looks around her and sees a tall figure with horns that seem taller than Gamzee's, if that's even possible. One horn curves inward and comes to a sharp fishhook point. The other splits around the middle and swirls into three different spirals. It wears nothing but a loincloth and a pouch on its back. It has a weird symbol tattooed onto its bare chest. It stands, bearing its razor-sharp fangs and growling at the group, arming what appears to be a bow with a razor-sharp bone arrow. Seeing this, Kanaya goes into an adrenalin rush and pulls out her jade-colored lipstick, which quickly transforms into a revving chainsaw. She runs toward the wild troll and is almost hit by a car speeding along, running over the wild troll and slamming on the brakes. The driver turns on the headlights, which reveal three more trolls behind the six kids and Kanaya. The window rolls down. "Kids, get in the car, now!"

"Dad!" John becomes the most ecstatic kid in the group when he hears Dad's voice. They open the car doors and rush in as the wild trolls begin running toward the vehicle. When the last kid enters the automobile, Dad slams the accelerator down to the floor before the doors can close, effectively wiping out two of the trolls. About a hundred feet down the country road, he makes a sharp three-point turn and slams the accelerator to the floor again, running over and killing the last troll. He speeds off toward the city. His hands remain white-knuckled for several miles after the incident.

"John, you should really keep your phone fully charged." Dad has a stern tone in his voice, but there is a hint of relief there as well.

"Sorry, I think that weird explosion wiped out most of the battery life."

"It's okay. I was just extremely worried about you all."

"Is Karkat okay," John says, hoping to move the conversation over to something else and not make it awkward."

"I sure hope so. The poor guy was left all alone when me and Gamzee—OH MY GOD, I FORGOT GAMZEE AT THE GAS STATION!" A sudden realization sets in as Dad looks around the car and gets a worried expression on his face. Actually, it was more terror than worry. Sure, he doesn't like Gamzee very well, but the juggalo does frighten the shit out of him sometimes, and he just wants to stay on the creature's good side. "Kids," he tries to stay calm-ish, but fails, "we'll be taking a short detour before I return everybody to their proper homes…probably for the last time in my mortal life…"

"Mr. Egbert," Kanaya tries to be reassuring, "if it means anything, I don't think Gamzee will kill you for leaving him alone in a strange place. That happened once back at our old homes and the guy was only in the intensive care unit for about three weeks before he was sent home. Of course he became a quadriplegic after that, but I don't think he'll kill you." Okay, that may have failed at being comforting.

"Yeah, that makes me feel better." He then finishes off with, "I'd rather be dead than quadriplegic," under his breath.  


* * *

  
Back at the gas station, the poor, abandoned stoner has struck up a friendly conversation with the clerk. The station was supposed to close a half-hour ago, but the clerk decided to let Gamzee stay until someone picks him up. Call the clerk crazy, but Gamzee is actually appealing to him. He might try to get his number, assuming Gamzee even has a phone.

But that chance wouldn't come tonight because finally, minutes later, Dad and the kids and Kanaya pull into the parking lot. Seeing this, Gamzee quickly finishes up the conversation and says goodbye to the clerk. The clerk says his farewell as well and wishes Dad good luck. Gamzee seems hot about being left behind.

Gamzee hops in the passenger seat in the front of the car. After he closes the door he becomes serious, even though he is extremely high. "So, is this a new trend goin' on; leave the motherfuckin' clown alone at gas stations?"

"Gamzee, I swear I didn't mean to leave you behind." Dad pleas to Gamzee, trying to receive his forgivness. "I was just exited to find out that the others behind you were still alive that I guess I was just in too much of a hurry to find them that I forgot that you were with me. Just please don't hurt me."

"Nah, motherfucker, I ain't going to hurt you now. It's too dangerous with everyone else in here. But sometime, somewhere, somehow, I will summon all the motherfuckin' miracles I can to exact my revenge upon you. It may be later today, it may be next year, or it may be three minutes into the motherfuckin' past. But believe me when I warn you, motherfucker, there will be bloodshed, and I will drink and bathe and paint with that blood for as long as it flows from your limp, almost lifeless, pathetic body! Your body will become my bitch, and I will become its murderous, bloodthirsty pimp, you understand that, motherfucker?" Gamzee stares at Dad coldly, with a bloodlust showing clearly in his indigo irises. Dad gulps loudly and nervously as he nods, feeling Gamzee's murderous glare on his jugular vein.

It's a good thing Gamzee is high off his motherfuckin' rocker right now.


	12. Persuasion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reason for John's headache is revealed

"I still don't see why we have to stay here with you tonight," Dirk says as they walk in the door to the Egbert/Crocker/Vantas/Makara household.

"Because if anything happens you all are witnesses." Dad says jokingly, but serious. "It's as simple as that."

"Nothing's going to happen," Kanaya tries her best to comfort Dad. "I doubt that by time he comes out of his high he'll even remember this."

"I don't know, Kanaya," Jane says, coming out of the bathroom, "he sure does have quite the memory, especially when he's high."

"Jane, do you even know what we're talking about?"

"I'm pretty sure it's about Gamzee."

Kanaya is shocked that Jane would even know that. "How did you know?"

"He came in as angry as could be and slammed the door to his room. I could hear him over the water in the shower. He didn't sound too pleased at the world."

"Okay, just…go to your room or whatever. You aren't helping anything."

"Okay…" Jane gets that look that says, "Whatever, creep." She goes down to the basement where Karkat, Sollux, and now Terezi are. They decide to have a little fun with the high-as-fuck Karkitty before he sobers up. Hopefully John won't come downstairs hoping to figure out what's wrong.

Back upstairs, John goes into his and Karkat's room and collapses onto the bed. Perhaps he can sleep the headache off.

In the living room Dad jokingly/seriously tells everyone that they'll be sleeping either in Gamzee's room, just outside Gamzee's door, just outside his door, or in his room with him. He is freaking terrified of Gamzee at this current moment, and he probably will be for the rest of the week. At least.  


* * *

  
 **The Next Morning …**

Dad is woken by the phone. He desperately wishes that he could just go back to sleep because he only got two hours of sleep. He spent the rest of the night worrying that Gamzee would kill him in his sleep. He picks the phone up off the nightstand and looks at the caller I.D. "Oh my god, not her," he whines.

He answers the phone. "Hello?" Dad is really too tired to be putting up with this, and it's apparent in his tone.

"Yeah, I was wondering if Rose and them is over at your place. Because I'm here at the minivan, and it's tore up."

"Yeah, they stayed her overnight, mainly as security, but oh well."

"Well, you could've just called instead of making me worry."

"But you don't like Rose."

"Did she tell you that? Because if so, she's lying. I'm trying to give up drinking because of her. And now that I try to show some love for my own daughter, she goes off and ditches me, leaving me with a torn up minivan and a wasted one hundred dollars. She doesn't like me. Not the other way around."

"If you want to come pick her, Roxy, and Kanaya up, I'm okay with that."

"Don't change the subject on me."

"But you're finished with your rant."

"Who said I was?!"

"I did." _Click._ And the countdown until Roxy gathers her thoughts enough to angrily call back begins now at three minutes. Until then, Dad shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep, only to wake up two hours later to an eerily quiet house. He leaves his room and checks John's and Karkat's, but they aren't there. He checks Gamzee's room, he isn't there. He looks everywhere, even the basement, but no one's home. It's just him. Alone. No Gamzee, no John to pester him, no Jane to take his baking stuff. Just Dad. For the first time in two days he feels a smile form on his face, until he realizes that he needs eggs at the store when he begins to make the batter for a stress cake.  


* * *

  
While Dad is stressing over not having enough ingredients for his stress cake, which is meant to relieve stress, the kids and trolls have returned to school yet again. After all, it's only Tuesday. Jane and Kanaya bandaged Karkat's head, making sure to be extra careful with his cracked and split horn. Fortunately, John is still oblivious to Karkat being high, even though Gamzee fed him a sopor pie and a half for breakfast this morning. In reality, Karkat's head was probably on upside-down, or so he acted, and yet John, being the bright little LED he is, has yet to notice anything out of the ordinary, Karkat's cheery attitude being at the top of the list.

So, it's kind-of-[not]-a-good-thing that they only have one class together throughout the day, if lunch is considered a class, which at some schools, it is. Because they're just that smart. Sooner or later, they both have to find out the other's dirty (not) little secret. John is just too afraid that Karkat will flip the fuck out when he finds out about John becoming a troll because of him. And Karkat is worried that John will flip the fuck out when he finds out that Karkat has been high beyond any recognition ever since Friday when he first became ill. But he's over that now. He's beginning to feel better, and John's headache is getting worse by the hour.

An hour or so later, in their seventh hour class, John and Rose's teacher, Mr. Hussie, begins talking about theology, and that the universe is governed by thirteen gods and goddesses. Eight being human, and four being troll, "which is weird because trolls are devils. Remember that, children. Never, ever, under any circumstances, trust a troll."

_Ugh,_ John and Rose share a telepathic conversation. _So, is he seriously telling us to not trust our own matesprits, or whatever they're called?_

_Not intentionally, but yes. He's pretty much saying that Kanaya and Karkat are devils. Karkat I can believe, but Kanaya, sweet, innocent little Kanaya, no._

_Sweet and innocent my fuzzy gray ass! Karkat's typical personality has been sweeter than her these past couple days._

_That's because he's been sick. Now we're missing the lesson._

"But, for some reason, upon entering the newly created universe, the gods and goddesses split themselves into two halves: the godheads and the mortals, known as the humans and trolls."

"They did it because they were angry at their physical bodies," Rose speaks up. Behind her, John facepalms.

"And how exactly would you know that, Miss Lalonde?" Mr. Hussie questions Rose. He suddenly sounds intrigued by her knowledge, the first time during the entire year.

"I … " Rose didn't think this one through. She has to find a way to get out of this. If the school found out that she and the other kids and trolls lost their powers because they were pissed for some reason, they would become the laughing stock of the entire school. "I … know one of them, personally. He is quite shy, though." Good save.

Just then John feels a sharp stab in his head. He reaches his hands up to caress his aching skull and feels two small bumps, right where the trolls' horns come out of their heads. His eyes widen and he panics. "Uh, Mr. Hussie, I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Why, John?"

"Because I have to jack off to gay porn, what do you think?! I have to use the fucking lavatory!" Okay, way to not sound stupid and … ew, why would he even say that? Even if he is joking? And since when does John use the word "lavatory?" being formal about things was always Rose's and Kanaya's thing.

Mr. Hussie gets an odd look on his face. He doesn't know whether to be disgusted, traumatized, worried, or horrified. So his face shows an expression that can only be described as an amalgam of all four. "Just go, John," is all he manages to say without gagging. When John leaves, he debates whether or not to put that on the "Things Mr. Hussie never expected to hear" board, but decides against it for being to sexual or perverted in school.  


* * *

  
 _I have to speak with Bequerius,_ is the only thing that runs through John's head as he enters the bathroom and pulls out his phone. He opens up a new pesterlog when he is suddenly zapped, or teleported, or whatever into a comfortable-looking room. He looks around and sees a sofa, a loveseat, a coffee table, two end tables, and two chairs in the room. Under his feet is soft carpet, and standing behind him is a creepy, white, omniscient mancatdog. "Do you like what you see?"

John is startled and almost jumps out of his skin at the voice. "Oh my gog, at least give me a warning before you do something like this."

"When I do what? Decorate a room to be more inviting and comfortable than all the others? To be not as showy as the rest of the property? To help out in times of need?"

"When you just randomly zap people into your house."

"You do apparently need to speak with me. So, in all defense, I am doing no wrong. Please, sit while I go fetch you a refreshment. And no, that wasn't a pun on my part." He motions to a recliner chair beside the coffee table. John sits while Bequerius climbs the stairs into the kitchen. "Oh, now he walks," John mutters under his breath, but before he could barely finish his sentence, Bequerius begins climbing back down the steps with a retaliation, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do prefer to walk in my own home when the situation allows! It isn't like your life really does depend on this talk!" He gets down the stairs and throws a can of soda at John while keeping a glass of ice water to himself. "Now drink!" He sits in the glider chair directly across the coffee table from John. "Now, what is it that you need to speak with me about?"

"What's happening to me?" John sounds scared. He needs answers.

"Did Kanaya not converse with you about the matter? I know I told her everything she needs to know about the condition."

"So there's more?" John sounds more terrified now.

"Not much. Well, nothing of importance, anyway."

"Okay, that wasn't what I was originally asking, but—"

"Yes, you are sprouting horns."

"What?"

"I said 'you are sprouting horns.'" Bequerius gets a mischievous grin on his doggie-face. It looks more terrifying than anything, but he can't help it. "Would you like me to tell you what they'll look like and how big … or small they'll be?"

"No. I don't want to know anything, except for how bad it's going to hurt." John becomes more terrified.

"Well, it is difficult for me to determine, given that you aren't me and that I have never sprouted horns before, and never will, but I assume it will be somewhere between sawing off your own finger by mistake and stepping on a Lego piece while barefoot." His grin turns into a smile as he entertains the thought of John writhing in pain. It would make for a most hilarious home video. But he would never tell of his fantasies. He is, after all, a most polite host. Perhaps not the most excellent, like his predecessor Doc Scratch, but he makes up for it in politeness.

"Oh … well," John is taken by this scaling. On one hand, he faces the most painful sensation that humanity has ever experienced. On the other, he just loses a finger. The worst it'll do is to help him count better by nines. "is there any way to cure it?"

"Yes, but you would need the help of at least _your_ godhead to do it."

"Oh, then I'm screwed."

"And speaking of godheads, I must give my sincerest apology for yesterday. My other guest happened to be the entire clan of godheads, and they had made me lose my temper, which is something I rarely do. But, nonetheless, I do apologize for it." John doesn't even appear to care about an apology. He just sits and mopes.

"Just get me out of here," he says, not even caring about finding a cure anymore.

"Not yet."

"What … why? Curing me is a lost cause. Now I don't even know why I bother."

"John," Bequerius holds a stern tone in his voice. "Never talk like that, or I will personally make sure that you are never cured. Now, the cure alone will take too long to take effect. But, with the help of Karkat's godhead, being of Blood, if done now, would be done in about five minutes. Unfortunately, I do not have the cure, and do not know where to find it. _Call me omniscient_!"

John gives a slight chuckle at the way he says the last sentence, but it's replaced by seriousness almost immediately. "But why would Karkat's godhead help? He hates me. And you said that I would need the help of at least mine, so why rely on his?"

"John, Karkat's godhead may not like you, but that's why you need your own to help. If you can convince your godhead to help, he could possibly convince Karkat's to, given they are still in a devout matespritship."

"But how would I even get his attention?"

Bequerius gets up and walks over to John, placing his clawed hands on the Abandoned Heir's shoulders and giving them short, caring squeezes. "All you have to do is pray to him," he says in the boy's ear. "But you must open the prayer, addressing him specifically. Otherwise the other godheads will hear and try to prevent him from helping."

"Okay, that would help with getting his attention, but why would he even help?" John looks at Bequerius with saddened eyes.

"Think about this: John, do you want to be a troll?"

"What … no. What kind of question is that," John asks, confused.

"John, play along."

"Okay."

"Have you ever wanted to be a troll?"

"No."

"Before you separated from your godhead?"

"No."

"After?"

"No. I really don't see where you're going here."

"John, do you really think, that if you have never, ever wanted to become a troll, that your godhead would allow you to? Do you honestly think that he would just sit around, watching himself become this inhuman monstrosity that is his matesprit's species. Yes, you love trolls. But you never wanted to become one. Just the idea appalls you. So, why would you ever want to sit around and watch yourself become one?"

Suddenly Bequerius actually makes sense. John's godhead is John, and John is his godhead. They are the same exact person, just one is intelligent and the other is John. "So," Bequerius continues, "as I said, pray to _your_ godhead specifically. If he doesn't answer, I will make him."

"Okay, but there's just one more thing."

"What?"

"I'm really freaking out here about Rose."

"Why? What has the girl done?"

"She's giving us away! She's admitting that we're the gods!"

"No she isn't."

"How? How is she not?!"

"Boy, she said that she knows one personally. She also said that he's very shy. That is not giving out any names, nor is it giving anyone away."

"Oh—"

"So how's this for a warning: threetwoone—" And John is back in his classroom, sitting at his desk, everyone staring at the door as if they're waiting for something.

John looks over to his left, where Sollux sits. He leans over and whispers in his ear, causing Sollux to jump slightly, "Uh, what are we all staring at?"

Sollux leans back over and replies to what he expects to be John's ear. Is it? He doesn't actually know and neither do you. "They're all waiting for you to come back tho we can get thtarted back on the leththon."

"Oh." Just then an idea pops into his head. "So, what are we all waiting for," she shouts at the class, who all jump at his sudden appearance in the room, sitting in his desk in the back.

"John, never do that again," Mr. Hussie scolds him. He then turns to Rose. "As I was saying before we turned our attention to the door, I would love to meet this godhead and human or troll that you know."

"Like I said, though, he is extremely shy, Mr. Hussie."  


* * *

  
As much as he doesn't want to do this—which is a lot—he knows he has to. John has just called out to his godhead, two hours after school, and so far, two more hours later, the godhead has yet to respond. The occupation which is forced onto the First Guardian is always to complete time loops, but every now and then he has to play "motivator." Wink wink.

The Heir's mansion is at least half the size of Beq Mansion. It is painted blue with white trim. It has a wrap-around porch with a balcony which wraps around three sides of the mansion. Better yet it rests literally on the clouds, and constructed by the air itself. Beq walks up to the door, but instead of knocking, he just teleports into the room where the Heir currently resides. In it, John sits in a chair, listening to prayers on the descent-sized radio underneath the end table. John shuts off the radio. "Don't even try to kill me, dog. You are on my property, not the other way around."

Beq walks out from behind the godhead. The green electrical bolts around his body show his temper runs short. "As much as I would like to kill you, I cannot. Not yet, anyway." They both stare at each other, or at least John stares at Beq. It's hard to tell where the First Guardian is looking as he has no eyes. What does an omniscient being who knows his exact surroundings need with eyes? So, it's just assumed that he's staring back at the godhead. "I have come here on a strict business call." He bares his fangs at John, showing the godhead that he isn't in the mood for games. "Earlier you got a prayer from your mortal incarnation. Why have you not answered it?!"

John becomes nervous. "I do not wish to speak with my mortal self. What more of a reason do I need?"

"So you wish to become a troll?"

"What?"

"That was what he addressed you about. Your mortal incarnation has become a weretroll, bitten by Karkat's mortal incarnation, and has until next week to get the cure. If it is not incorporated into his system by then, he becomes a permanent troll. Do you want that?"

"You're lying." John stands up, attempting to get into Beq's face, but fails by two and a half feet.

"And you know that how?" Beq questions John. They stand in silence for a couple minutes before Beq speaks again. "You didn't even listen."

"I-no. No, I didn't listen. So, sue me."

"You are a heartless bastard. You know that?"

John looks away. He's already on Beq's bad side. "Why would I want to listen to him? Or any of them? We split apart for a reason."

"Perhaps you want to listen because it's you. Perhaps I wasn't clear: it is _your_ mortal incarnation, otherwise known as _you_ , who is becoming the troll. By ignoring your own pleas for help, you are suggesting that you have actually wanted to become a troll. Am I not mistaken?"

"You are mistaken." John becomes defensive. "I don't want to become a troll. I am perfectly happy as a human!"

"Then why are you letting yourself transform into one?!"

"I ... I just … " John becomes speechless. He has no idea how to react to this, or how to even comprehend it.

"Did you think that your mortal incarnation contacted you just because he wanted to bother you," Bequerius' tone becomes cold as he scolds the Heir, who is in complete shock. "Or just because he wanted to talk?"

"I … I… "

"Why would he want to talk to you after what you did to him and his friends?" there is an uncomfortable pause between the two, more so for John, but Bequerius is actually enjoying this more than he'd expected to. "Replay the prayer on the radio and listen to the desperation in his voice." He becomes surrounded by the green static that was apparent when he entered, and as he leaves he whispers, "He will sprout horns at four o'clock tomorrow morning."

John is left to sit and think. He flips on his radio and rewinds it to his own prayer. He listens to it carefully: every word, every syllable, every tone. He listens to the desperation, and somehow becomes emotionally affected by this. He had never expected to have cared so much, but with it being himself, he can no longer ignore anything. He figures he must go down and see the damage, and then work from there.


	13. An Unexpected Visitor in an Unexpected Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see what happens when god meets mortal incarnation.

Just as Bequerius had predicted, John's horns broke through his head at exactly four o'clock in the morning.

He'd gone to bed that night around eight, his reasoning being that he had a bad headache and perhaps sleep would help…sleep and a few Excedrin…okay, more than just a few. But he went to sleep before his head even hit the pillow, which is something no one in the house thought possible. Karkat eventually rolled into bed around eleven.

Sleep that night was unusually peaceful. Usually, with them both being active sleepers, always acting out their dreams, John and Karkat typically wake each other up several times a night. But this night, no one woke the other up, until four, when John woke the entire house up. Just as the atomic clock changed to 4:00, John woke up with a sharp pain on the top of his skull. It was the worst thing any of the kids had ever experienced, aside from dying. He began breathing heavily, even biting on his pillow and blankets trying not to scream, but alas, it held no prevail. John began writhing, even slapping Karkat right in the face, immediately waking him up. Karkat, not knowing what the hell is going on with his matesprit, begins to panic. He pulls the blankets out of John's mouth so he could ask him what's wrong and John screams through clenched teeth. When he gets his screaming to a maximum control, which isn't a lot, he grabs Karkat by his neck, pulling his head down close to his own, and whisper-yells through clenched teeth, "Something is tearing my fucking head apart!" Karkat lifts John's head up off the pillow and shines his phone light on it to get a look at what's wrong. The first thing he sees is John's hair soaked with cherry red blood, which causes Karkat to drop his head back against the headboard, which doesn't help the situation.

A couple seconds later, Gamzee storms in the room, annoyed that he was awoken in the just-after-middle of the night. He is clearly sober, as his attitude toward John isn't the absolute best ever. He storms over to the bed, picks John up by his neck, and feels that the back of his neck is wet. He figures he just did that, which brings a wicked smile to his face. John's eyes widen in terror, as do Karkat's because they both know what a sober Gamzee is capable of. But before Gamzee gets a chance to do anything, he notices something in John's hair, resembling candy corn. Extremely. Oddly. Shaped. Candy corn. He lowers John enough to see over his head as he peels back the blood-soaked hair from his scalp. He drops John out of shock at the new sight just as Dad barges in, with Jane following closely behind. "GAMZEE," they both shout in unison. The fact that John is completely nude and Gamzee is in his boxers may have been irrelevant on any other occasion, but considering the reason they're in there to begin with, they get the wrong idea.

Several minutes later, and Karkat and Jane having assessed the damage, with Kanaya on the phone and Dad in the Kitchen, taking care of Gamzee, John is finally calmed down enough to just cry himself back to sleep instead of screaming. Karkat and Jane continue conversing with Kanaya on the phone about John's condition, which Karkat still has no idea about. "So, what exactly is happening? You all seem to know all about this," he says, stroking John's arm, trying to keep him calm while at the same time avoiding his blood-soaked head.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. I think it would be best if John told you instead of one of us." Kanaya yawns through the phone. "I think I might have to come over today before school, assuming John even wants to go to school."

"Why would you have to come over," Jane asks.

"We want to cover them."

"They're tiny," Karkat says. "They're hardly even noticeable, unless you look really carefully."

"Okay, I will just have to take your word for it, considering I'm not even there. But I do wish to see him immediately when you guys get here, assuming he even comes."

"Knowing John, he'll be there. In case you haven't noticed since we've met him, he's completely stubborn as fuck."

"Okay. But I do want to see the horns." Kanaya hangs up. Karkat sighs.

"What's wrong, Karkat?" Jane becomes concerned for the cancer.

"I feel so…helpless," Karkat continues stroking John's arm, watching him through sad eyes, "seeing him in all this pain and knowing there's nothing I can do about it except for this."

Jane tries to be comforting. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. It looks like the pain has subsided enough for him to fall back to sleep."

"Yeah, but just seeing his face—"

"I said 'don't worry about it.' He's asleep and you should get back to sleep too."

Karkat looks at his matesprit. "I guess you're right. But what are you going to do? You don't seem like you're going back to bed."

"I don't know. I might, I might not. For now, though, I think I'll just go in the kitchen and bake a cake. Maybe start a franchise. After all, I do have all of the Condesce's recipes." Jane and Karkat share a giggle over that. Neither of them realizes it, but this is one of those rare moments where Karkat doesn't need John or Gamzee to keep him calm and not grumpy. "Something tells me that this is going to be a long day." With that being said she gets up and leaves Karkat alone, but as she walks out the door, she says one more thing, "Oh and next time people are in here, at least put on some underwear." She giggles and leaves.

"At least we trolls can hide our stuff," He shouts back at her, then coming to the realization that Dad could probably hear him. And then he also comes to the realization that the last time he saw John's stuff John had a bone bulge similar to his own, but he passes it off as being a hallucination from all the sopor slime.

Karkat crawls back into the bed and wraps the blanket around him and John. Trying his best to keep away from the blood on the pillow, he wraps his arm around John's stomach and cuddles next to him, hoping to comfort the sleeping weretroll even more. What he and Jane hadn't known is that John is a relatively light sleeper, and was awoken by Karkat stroking his arm. He listened to their entire conversation, and, feeling saddened by Karkat feeling helpless, he reaches his hand over to grab Karkat's. The naturally-born troll is surprised by this, but falls asleep next to his unwitting victim anyway. And the unwitting victim falls asleep as well.  


* * *

  
Knowing the fun that will soon begin, Bequerius nukes a bag of popcorn and sits back, unable to wait for the next scene to unfold.

The kids' and trolls' high school, which, ironically was named for John's godhead, has a ten minute passing period between classes. This is to ensure that the students can have a little bit of social time before returning to the torment that is learning. This upcoming class happens to be seventh hour, Rose's, John's and Sollux's theology class. Rose likes to get there as soon as the bell rings to dismiss the students from the last hour, so she's typically the only one there for about five minutes before John and Sollux get there together (it's kind of obvious why), and them about three minutes before everyone else. So starting off this episode, Rose is currently the ONLY one in the room. Mr. Hussie is off in another room talking to another teacher.  


* * *

  
Not knowing that Mr. Hussie actually wanted at least one to show up today, the Heir of Breath makes his way through the school over to the classroom. He, being the snobby asshole he is, is dressed in his god tier garb for everyone to see. He towers over everyone by only a couple inches, being the second tallest player of the game in the combined session. Everyone he passes freak out that they're actually seeing one of the gods in person, but they also get the feeling that they've seen him before. One student jumps in front of him, which makes him jump back a little, startled by the sudden person. "Hey, you look a lot like my friend!" The student is ignored as the Heir regains his composure and walks past him, wanting to get this confrontation done and over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Eventually he finds his way to the classroom door. When he sees the number, he looks at the number scribbled onto the palm of his right hand to make sure it's correct. It is. Before he walks in, though, he notices the name painted on the little sign outside of the door: MR. ANDREW HUSSIE.

He shakes his head, wondering if he saw that right. He looks again; the name hasn't changed. "What the fuck? Is that that weird orange guy that kept bothering us in the game," he asks himself. He looks through the window of the room but sees no one. Kids throughout the hall watch him as he acts weird, peeking down both ends of the hall for some reason before he walks right through the door into the classroom. Students gather around the door to see what's happening. Some pull out their phones to text their friends across the building about this. Some even get their cameras out and take pictures and videos.  


* * *

  
Inside the room, Rose has her back turned to the door, setting her stuff up in the correct order it should be in. She has O.C.D. when it comes down to this type of thing. She doesn't know the danger approaching her, garbed in a blue god tier outfit. Suddenly she sees a shadow over her and her desk. She quickly turns around and is taken aback by the scene before her.

Standing formally, as if this is an everyday occurrence, a godhead stands before Rose. She quickly retrieves a sharpened pencil out of her purse and gets behind her desk, slowly retreating backwards away from the menace. She holds the pencil as if she would stab him if he gets any closer, which is her intention. "What are you doing here?" She seems angry. The students gathered around the door hold confused expressions on their faces at the sight before them.

"Now, don't come to conclusions, dear." The godhead begins to speak.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! And don't even think of addressing me that way, ever!"

"I didn't come here to argue—"

"Then what the hell did you come here for? Did you come here to smite us?! Because that seems to be all you ever want anymore!"

"No, I—"

"You listen to me! Go away now, before someone gets hurt! You have no business being here!"

"Now if you would just let me talk, I would provide an explanation!" Using the air, the Heir shuts Rose up. "As I said, I did not come here to fight. I was going to complete that statement by saying that I came here to help. But I couldn't because you rudely interrupted me. That is extremely unlike the Rose I have come to know and love." His tone is angry, but calm.

Rose breaks free from his windy grasp. "You've helped enough! And don't even compare me to that bitch who calls herself a Hero of Light! We both know that you, especially you, of all of the god-forsaken godheads, detests me the most!"

"Now Rose, why would I detest you? A strong dislike towards, yes, but detest? I think that's a rather strong word."

"And stop trying to be formal! You are not formal and you never will be! God you are such an idiot! If there was a stupid contest, you would be the host! Oh, wait a minute, there is one already, and it's called 'Our Pathetic Lives!'"

"Rose, I understand that you may be holding a little bit of a grudge, but—" the Heir begins, trying to calm Rose, but is cut off.

"Oh I might be holding a little bit of a grudge?! A little bit of a grudge?! If that's your little phrase for 'pissed the fuck off,' then yes, I am holding a 'little bit of a grudge!'"

"Rose, please, just…calm down." The John godhead is now on the defense as he is slowly retreating from a slowly advancing girl. He begins to worry for his own safety, even though he can just turn into wind at any time he pleases.

"No, I will not calm down! There will be time for calming down when you get the fuck out of my life, and out of all of our lives!"

"Rose, like I said, I do understand that you're angry with us—"

"No! Stop saying that! You aren't a fucking psychologist so stop acting like one! Stop saying 'oh I know you're angry,'" she says the quote with a mocking tone. "It's not going to fucking work with me!"

"Okay then what can I do to make you less angry?!" The Heir attempts to hold his ground.

"Do you seriously want to know?!"

"Yes!"

"DIE! GO CRAWL BACK INTO THAT CAVE YOU CALL A MANSION, WITHER, ROT, AND FUCKING DIE!" Rose's eyes darken from pink to red. She is really pissed.

The students and teachers watching this scene unfold outside the door all gasp at the outburst. Apparently Rose has no idea what the Heir of Breath is capable of. "He's going to kill her for that," one student says to her friend. Down the hall, Mr. Hussie and a few other teachers run over and make their way through the thick crowd to the door with the intention of going in and breaking up the fight. However, they stop immediately when they see the participants. Mr. Hussie knows all too well the dangers of fucking around with a god, and he isn't about to step in and play peacekeeper.

Meanwhile, John and Sollux arrive in the hallway. They heard shouting but couldn't figure out who it was. They just thought they'd ignore it, but it turns out it's coming from their classroom. John, who's holding Sollux's wrist, guiding him through the halls, goes up to his friend at the edge of the crowd. He taps his friends shoulder and asks him what's happening. "Rose is chewing the ass off one of the gods," his friend responds. "She even told him to die! Oddly enough, though, the god looks exactly like you." John's eyes widen at that statement. Why would his godhead be here? His friend sees his expression. "John, what's wrong?"

John looks at Sollux. "Sollux, I'm just going to leave you here with Zack while I go and figure out what's wrong, okay?"

"Thure, why not? It ithn't liike Ii wath goiing two get iin there anyway."

"Okay. Hopefully it's nothing."

"John, I don't think it's nothing. Rose is arguing with a fucking god."

"Yeah, good to know." With that John makes his way through the crowd. Most of the students move aside for him for some reason. They all look at him weird like he should be in the room instead of out in the hall. Perhaps it's because his fucking godhead is arguing with Rose?

John finally reaches the door, where Mr. Hussie and the school principle watch nervously at the scene unfolding. John pushes his way past them and opens the door. Before they can stop him he's inside the room. The godhead and Rose quit arguing when they hear the door latch shut. Rose turns her gaze to John and the Heir turns around to face him. "Finally, someone I can actually talk to," the Heir says, extending his arm toward John as if to show Rose something new.

"Oh shut up," John says coldly.

"What?" The godhead is confused now.

"Rose, is what I heard out there true," mortal John turns to Rose, "that you told him to die?"

"Well, actually I told him to go to a cave, wither, rot, and die," Rose says proudly.

Immediately after that, John says, "I second that motion."

"What—John, me, you cannot possibly be serious?"

"Yes, I am."

"Why, when I've come to help?"

"Help with what? Huh? You've never done anything to help us. Now what makes you think we want any help from you now?" John's tone is cold. It's as if he's trying to scold the godhead.

"You asked."

"I asked last night! And you know what? I have sources that told me that you ignored my call! But I didn't need to be told that because I already knew! I asked, but I don't know what made me think that you would listen!"

"But I did listen! I'm here, aren't I?"

"You didn't until you were told by Bequerius that I needed help. Now you're only here on your own behalf because you don't want to become one yourself!" Outside, everyone wonders what John could possibly be talking, or shouting, about. Everyone gets as close to the source of the vocalizations as possible. First, it was Rose arguing against a god. Now it's John arguing against…what? The god's voice matches John's own voice perfectly. It's creepy. First, they look completely identical, now they sound completely identical, unless John is playing both parts. Some people begin to put two and two together and think that John may be one of the "mortals" that Mr. Hussie talked about yesterday.

"YOU DIDN'T LISTEN UNTIL YOU WERE TOLD BY BEQUERIUS THAT I NEEDED HELP! INSTEAD, YOU IGNORED MY CALL FOR HELP AND LISTENED TO EVERYONE ELSE, YOU SELFISH, SNOBBY FUCKASS!"

"Wait, ithn't that Kk'th word," Sollux asks no one in particular.

"Who's Kk," Zack asks.

"He'th the grumpy kid."

"The one John hangs out with?"

"Oh believe me, they do a lot more than jutht 'hang out.'"

"Oh." Zack shudders at the thought of what Sollux could possibly have meant by that. "Should we get him over here to calm John, or John?"

"I don't know if that would be a good idea. I mean, Kk and John's godhead never did get along at all. In fact, if I do remember correctly, Kk's godhead and John don't get along either."

"Sollux, judging by what's happening in there as we speak, I don't think John and his own godhead get along very well. And judging by 'Kk's' attitude, it's kind of obvious there."

Back inside the room, John and the Heir still haven't come to terms yet. "John, I understand that you're angry, but try to listen to me here."

John's chin drops to the floor. He can't believe what he's hearing; his own godhead is trying to play that card. That's something John hasn't done since he was like, five.

"John, let me handle this," Rose goes over to John, taking over the conversation once again. "What did I fucking say about that?! Huh? Do you think that being redundant is going to get you anywhere here? Because if so, get that thought out of your head! Being redundant never helps!"

"But I just thought—"

"That's your problem: you think! It's that damn think pan of yours that got us in this mess in the first place! Now use it to control your powers and leave us the fuck alone!"

John shakes his head as he backs away. "John, what's wrong," Rose asks, concerned.

Turning to the godhead, John snaps again. "What makes you think that I could possibly want your help now?! Now that I know that you only want to help so you don't become the laughing stock of the group, I don't think I want it anymore!"

"John…me, don't say that. Of course you want my help." The godhead tries to persuade his mortal incarnation.

"No! Now that I think about it, I don't even care if I turn into a troll! If it means that you will be teased for the rest of your immortal life, so be it! Who knows, if I'm lucky, it might even kill me!"

"John, don't talk like that!" Rose is now completely concerned for the well-being of her friend. She had no idea that John is suicidal. But he isn't.

"And, judging by the pain I was experiencing earlier today, which probably could have been prevented if you had listened, it just might!"  


* * *

  
Karkat sits in his seventh hour class, alone. No one, not even the teacher has shown up yet. What could possibly be wrong? The passing period is over. Could they all be in a different room? Could today have been an early out?

His phone buzzes in his pocket. He cautiously pulls it out to look at the text, sent by Roxy:

omg karkitten you have to see this john is arguing with himself its so funny you just have to come see it  
also rose is in there too just to let you know she is helping john argue against john  
oh and john even called himself that one word youre always using  
whatever it is  
like fucksomething or other

What. The. Fuckass. Is Roxy drunk again? She doesn't type like it but it sure sounds like it. He sends a text back.

WHAT ROOM?

Thirty seconds later, his phone buzzes again.

480

This is going to be fun.

Karkat makes his way over to room 480, where it seems like everyone in the entire school has gathered around: in the hallways and outside in the courtyards, anything to get close enough to see or hear. As he approaches, he can here John yelling, "YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR ME OR FOR US! YOU'RE USELESS!"

He then hears John(?) yell back, "I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES KARKAT'S GODHEAD HAS TRIED TO KILL YOU? NO, OF COURSE YOU DON'T BECAUSE I ALWAYS STOP HIM FROM DOING IT! DON'T TELL ME I'M USELESS!"

And John…again, "WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET HIM DO IT THEN! IF YOU HAD JUST LET HIM DO IT, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPENING, OR DID YOU JUST WANT TO NOT SEE YOURSELF DIE?!" Karkat is now genuinely confused. Not for the first time, but nonetheless, confused.

* * *

Back inside the room, Word War I continues with the godhead gaining his turn to speak again. "Will you stop saying that?!"

"Saying what?!"

"That we're the same person!"

"Why? It's true!"

"No it isn't!"

John, mortal John, is taken aback by that statement. "Excuse me?" He questions the godhead. "I know you didn't just say that we are two different people! Besides, you even said we're the same!"

"I did because we are! Wait, what?!"

"No, we aren't two different people!"

"Yes we are!"

"NO WE AREN'T! WITHOUT ME, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN FUCKING EXIST! I GOT STABBED IN THE FUCKING HEART SO THAT YOU COULD RISE FROM MY DREAM SELF! SO DON'T EVEN DARE SAY THAT WE ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE! DO _I_ UNDERSTAND THAT? HUH?! _I_ AM WAITING FOR AN ANSWER FROM _ME_!"

Now Rose is starting to get confused. "Look, let's just all shut up, take a moment to breathe, and calm down," she says, hoping to at least break up the fight. After all, this started off as hers and she'll be damned if it doesn't end that way. Begrudgingly, the two Johns decide to quiet down, until the godhead goes over to the mortal and speaks.

"John, at least let me explain," he says as he puts his hand on the mortal's shoulder. "I didn't know that you were turning into a troll. I just thought that you were bored and tried to bother me to piss me off for kicks."

"And that's supposed to change the way I feel?"

Outside the open window, a student shouts, "Come on, we want to see more arguing!"

"Should I—" the godhead begins.

"No," Rose quickly says before he can do anything, "they're just being their usual idiot selves."

"Ah," the godhead turns his head back to John and continues, "Now, when I had heard that you were actually in trouble—"

"You mean when you were actually in trouble," John interrupts

"Yeah, whatever, I couldn't believe it, but when I played back the prayer, I heard, and felt, the desperation. It gave me a feeling I hadn't experienced since before we played the game. After that I just knew I had to help. So please, let me help." The godhead's tone becomes sincere.

Karkat, who finally made his way to the door, looks through the window inside the room. When he sees his matesprit being manhandled (that's how he sees it, even though he's only being held by the shoulders) by the godhead, something inside his brain snaps. He slams open the door, which is quickly closed behind him, and before John can reply to the godhead, Karkat is on top of him, with the godhead trying to defend himself as best he can. Karkat claws and scratches and bites the godhead until the garb is torn a little bit. He even begins foaming at the mouth like a rabid woofbeast, but the godhead still holds him off from drawing blood.

Snapping out of their stupor at what just happened, Rose and John intercept the two who are getting physical. "I'll take Karkat and you take me," John shouts at her over the noise.

"What?!" Rose is definitely confused now.

"I'll take Karkat and you take the other one!"

"Oh, okay!" They both hurry over to the dueling couple. John wraps his arms around Karkat and tries to run backwards, pulling him off, but the troll is too strong. Rose tries the same with the godhead, but to no prevail. As John continues to pull on Karkat, Rose slips in between the troll and the godhead when there's just enough room and pushes the two apart from the outside. When Karkat lets go, John quickly moves in front of him and pushes him against the wall. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU LAY A HAND ON HIM AGAIN," the troll shouts across the room at the godhead who got the same treatment.

"I'VE DRILLED THROUGH A FUCKING PLANET WITH AIR! IF YOU EVEN TRY THAT I WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM DRILLING THROUGH YOU AS WELL!" While the two exchange angry remarks, John and Rose are getting in their faces trying to distract them.

"Karkat," John shouts at the troll. "Karkat, listen to me!...Karkat look at me now!" The troll foams at the mouth some more as he begins to calm down a little. "Karkat, I know you're angry, but—"

John is cut off by the godhead, "You better watch it! After all, you know what Rose said about that—" he is cut off by Rose shoving him further against the wall. He turns to her, "STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Well stop mocking me and we have a fucking deal!"

"Karkat, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by myself, it's all under control." Mortal John tries to sooth the savage troll.

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE THAT IT'S UNDER CONTROL! HE HAD HIS HANDS ON YOU AND I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT!"

"Aw, it sounds like the little kitty-cat is jealous." The godhead teases Karkat.

"I AM NOT FUCKING JEALOUS! IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I DON'T LIKE YOU! IN FACT, I DETEST YOU! YOU ARE A BUG, A WORTHLESS WASTE OF SPACE THAT HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE EXCEPT TO TORMENT US!" Karkat breaks out of John's grasp and begins running over to the godhead. The godhead responds by doing the same; breaking away from Rose's grasp and running toward Karkat with the intention of severely harming him.

John quickly turns around and chases Karkat for a few feet until he catches him. He wraps his arms around the cancer's stomach and holds him back. "Karkat, I know you're mad! Perhaps you could go ingest some more sopor slime and get calmed down!"

"Wait, you know about the slime?"

"Yeah, Jane told me in second period. But never, under any circumstances, ever hide anything like that from me again!"

"Are you mad at me?" Karkat sounds like a little child who got caught stealing cookies out of the cookie jar.

"You're damn right I am. Not because of the slime, but because you didn't tell me. NOW CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"

Rose does the same with the godhead as John did with Karkat. She drags him back to the wall. "Sit down in the chair!"

The godhead doesn't pay attention to her. Instead he keeps trying to break free of her grasp, shouting profanities and vulgarities at Karkat in the process. He keeps this up for a few seconds before Rose gives him a hard kick in the shame globes. Watching this, everyone, save Rose and godhead John gasp in shock as she does it twice more, effectively planting the god on the ground.

Unfortunately, Karkat sees this as an opportunity to kill him while he's down and tries to escape John again while shouting profanities and vulgarities at the downed god. He keeps this up with John trying to calm him before John takes a desperate action to get Karkat to calm down. Everyone, save Rose, John, Karkat, and the other John gasp in shock as mortal John plants his face firmly on Karkat's. No one saw that coming. The unexpected kiss lasts for a few seconds before Karkat breaks away. Looking at John and placing his hands on the abandoned Heir's arms, he says caringly, "As much as I enjoyed that, that did nothing to help," and continues his rant and efforts to go at the downed god. Rose, having had enough of this, goes over to the natural-born troll and tries to settle him down as well. After one failed attempt she takes him by the shoulders, and, much to John's discontent, also kicks Karkat in the shame globes. Karkat, however, didn't budge. "Sorry, but I don't have those, remember?" This, of course, angers Rose even more and she begins to bang the troll's head against the wall. John tries to grab Karkat from her, but she refuses to hand him over until he's completely unconscious. She then sets him in the desk right next to them.

"Oh," Rose says, unsurely.

Even though John knows what she's about to say, he just has to ask, "What?"

"I think I may have been hitting his bad horn against the wall."

John facepalms so hard it's unbelievable. "Why do you think I was trying to turn him around?!"

"Well, I didn't know! I just got caught up in the moment and went with what my gut told me!"

* * *

"Perhaps we should call their parents…" the school principle has had enough of this, though it is quite suspenseful and entertaining. He looks over at her assistant. "That wasn't a suggestion, it was a command."

"Oh, right on it…who's parents?"

"John's and Rose's."

"Okay." After the assistant principle leaves to go call the kids' parents, Sollux sneaks his way into the room to be a part of the action, and hopefully resolve it. Before Mr. Hussie knows it, he's seeing a door close in front of him and a blind kid standing in the room.

* * *

"Okay, John, Rothe, thomeone pleathe tell me where I am." Sollux stands cautiously. When Jane fixed Terezi's cane she didn't do a very good job. Therefore it broke the very next day. So now Sollux has no cane to help him walk and must rely on the help of others.

"You're standing right next to Hussie's desk," John says. Sollux feels around himself, inching over to his right until his hand touches wood. He uses this to guide him and makes his way over to the chair. He sits down, intertwines his fingers and sets his hands on the desk. "Okay, I don't really know what'th happening here, but perhapth doctor Captor can help."

"Sollux, enough with all this acting and everything." Rose actually giggles a little bit.

"I'm thorry but number one, thith ith really the only thing I ever have left two do anymore becauthe I'm blind, and number two, I'm jutht trying to lighten the mood.  
A few miles away, a man runs a successful little bakery with his daughter. Who is this man?

Enter name: SHITFACE FUCKTART

**Try again, Dipshit.**

Enter name: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS IS.

Fine. It's just Dad. Yes, Dad owns his own bakery. The world must be coming to an end. You probably just didn't recognize him because he isn't wearing his hat and smoking his pipe.

But, he is kind enough to forgive you for your mistake. Me however, not so much.

But seriously: Fucktart? What the heck does that even mean?

Anyway, as mentioned a few lines above, we are now following Dad, who owns and runs his own bakery. It's almost time for the kids to get out of school and he gets a call. Since the phones at the bakery don't have caller I.D., he currently has no idea who's calling, so he picks up and prays that it isn't some telemarketer.

"Hello…Yes, why?...They did what, now?...Oh my god, why does this have to happen now? I have a very big order…Well, no, I thought he was at school…Well that's where he told me he was going…Are you calling me a liar? Because if you are, I have news for you: I am a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of those things! Good day to you, sir, and I will be there in about fifteen minutes."

Oh gog, what could Karkat and John possibly have done? Well, of course they got into a fight; Dad knows that much, but what did they do, tear up the entire school doing it? Seriously, they have petty little fights all the time. How could this be any different? Dad doesn't actually want to know. He just wants to go over to the school and sort things out.

As Dad takes off his apron and hangs it up, one of his employees asks where he's going. "There's been a problem with John and Karkat at the school and now I've been called over. I'll be back in an hour or so," he responds.

"Aren't you forgetting to punch out?"

"Adam, I run this place. I can do whatever I want to it, except insurance fraud, but that also means I can leave and come and go and stay as I please. So shut it and get back to work. We all have a big order to fill and it needs to be done by noon tomorrow."

"Am I at least getting paid overtime?"

"With a shift like what we all have to work, we're all getting paid overtime. Big overtime." With that he leaves and heads over to the school, where, unknown to him, Word War I is still going on quite strongly. He walks into the building, which is eerily quiet, except for the distant yelling of what sounds like four kids. "Uh, might I ask: what's happening here?"

"You must be John and Karkat's Dad."

"Well, just John's, but Karkat lives with us as well."

"I don't care. Anyway, John, Karkat, and Rose have been shouting over something. The odd part of it is that there are two Johns."

Dad looks at her like she's crazy. "I was called to say that two Johns are arguing with Karkat and Rose?"

"No, see, that seems to be the cause: the second John. The first one is normal, but the other is a god."

"Whatever, can you just tell me where it's at?"

"Room 408." The secretary points him in the direction.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Kanaya, if you want me to go away, saw Karkat in half," the godhead shouts.

"KANAYA, IF YOU EVEN POINT THAT THING AT ME, I WILL BITE YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!"

"Says the non-rainbow drinker," Kanaya says, annoyed. She was called in as reinforcement when Karkat had woken back up five minutes after he'd been knocked out and the Heir regained enough of his composure to stand after having his shame globes kicked into his throat.

"I have an idea," Rose chimes in, " Kanaya, why don't you take your lipstick and act like John's godhead is Eridan. For me, at least?"

"I uh…" Kanaya has no idea how she got dragged into this or what to even do. She doesn't really care for John's godhead, but he hasn't really done anything to her, so…yeah, she's confused. "I really don't want to get blood on my new color. It would really ruin it, I'm sure, as this isn't Alternian."

"Kanaya, are you saying that your lipstick can no longer turn into a chainsaw," John asks. Hearing this question, everyone who was able to hear gasp in shock. You would too if you ever heard "lipstick" and "chainsaw" being used like this in a serious sentence.

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all. the chainsaw works just fine, I'm only saying that I'm not going to because I don't want to get blood all over it. It's a brand new color and I would like to keep it that way."

"Kanaya, perhaps you've forgotten the definition of 'rainbow drinker,' or 'vampire,'" the godhead speaks up. "You love the taste of blood, and if your taste is anything like Terezi's, you will love the taste of Karkat's blood."

"Might I remind you all that I'm the only one in this room with a different blood color than everyone else aside from Sollux? Besides, I hate the taste of cherry ... unless it's Rose's." Kanaya lifts her eyebrows mischievously as Rose runs over and puts her hand over the troll's mouth. Now would be a good time to rethink their relationship. Outside, everyone laughs. "But seriously though," Rose whisper-yells in Kanaya's ear, "saw his fucking head off!"

"Well, I guess if I do that then we won't have to worry about him meddling in our lives any longer…" Kanaya contemplates out loud. "On the bad side, if that happens to kill him, what would happen to John when his mortal body dies?"

"Kanaya, I thought you would know by now, the god tiers allow for conditional immortality. The only way I'll die is if it's heroic or just. Since this sort of situation counts as neither, I will live on."

"You know what," Karkat finally brings his tone down a little bit, "Why don't we just say 'fuck it,' and call that evil cherub guy to come in and do the job for us. And perhaps he could hit the rest of them too."

"There'th jutht one problem with that, Kk," Sollux, who has somehow managed to stay out of the firing zone, speaks up.

"And that would be…?"

"He won't thtop with jutht the godheadth. He'll kill everyone."

"Good enough for me," John says in an "I'm done" tone.

Just then, Dad busts into the room. "What the hell is going on in he…" He stares at the two Johns, one dressed normally and the other in torn up blue pajamas.

"Okay, Dad," John starts, "there is an explanation to all of this, although I think it would be quite hard to expl—"

He is cut off by his godhead. "Pretty much you were killed in a game that John, Rose, Dave, and Jade played a long, long time ago. They had to merge with a group of aliens called trolls, out of which five are currently living with the kids: Gamzee, Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi, and Sollux. Yes, you heard right, along with your biological half-brother, which would be mortal me, you have two trolls with you, one of which being extremely homicidal when sober. I'll let you guess which one that is on your own. And it isn't Karkat. And yes, you also heard correctly when I called mortal me your half-brother. To add to the excitement, Jane, you know her, is yours and John's biological mother. Also, Jake English, Jade's supposed adopted brother, is hers and John's biological father, which would make Jade also your half-sister. Unfortunately your biological father is unknown.

"But the fun doesn't stop there. John and Karkat are in a matespritship, a.k.a. they are each other's boyfriend." Mortal John does a facepalm x2 combo. He is completely embarrassed right now. "The fun doesn't stop there either. As it turns out, Karkat is a first-generation weretroll, who passionately bit John during love making, and now John is a second-generation weretroll who just sprouted horns this morning. That is what he was screaming about earlier."

"Oh my god I am so embarrassed right now!" John can't even look at anyone. Everyone witnessing the scene in the room have no idea whether to be terrified, laughing, or feeling awkward. Terrified because they go to school with five trolls, three of them in the room and one of them wielding a lipstick/chainsaw hybrid, and another commanding her to saw the god's head off. Thankfully the third one is blind. Laughing because of the whole John explanation. And awkward because of what all just happened. Of course, this is too much for Dad to take in, so he does what any other overwhelmed human being does; he passes out. He collapses, right where he stood.

Sollux, not being able to see, begins walking over (because that's a brilliant idea) to Dad, who lies unconscious on the floor. He stumbles over Dad and falls flat on his face, his specially-made red and blue shades breaking in the process of hitting the ground. He gets up, slowly makes his way over to the door, and opens it with everyone drawing back in fear. Before he walks out, he turns back to the godhead who gave almost everyone's true identities out to the entire school, and says coldly, "You are tho lucky that I don't have my pthionic powerth anymore!" He turns back to everyone else, who backs away from him in fear as he walks. "Oh you don't have two be afraid. If I haven't hurt any of you yet, then that meanth that I probably won't in the future, unleth you do thomething thtupid two really pith me off. Now, I need Dirk."

Dirk makes his way of the crowd and to the bout lind troll in the middle of the hallway. "What," he asks in a thick, Texan accent.

"I need you two call Aranea and thet up an appointment for her two heal at leatht my thight. Of courthe it would be greatly apprethiated if the altho fixeth my new lithp, and pthionic powerth are opthional."

"Should I really do that right here in front of everybody?"

"Yeth. I don't want two have two go any longer than I have two being blind anymore."

Dirk takes out his phone and opens a new pesterlog with Aranea, who is somewhere in a dream bubble far away from the universe.  


* * *

  
Back in the den in his mansion, Bequerius call over his dog, who happens to be an omnipoterrier. Petting him gently on the head, he asks him, "Did you enjoy that little show too, Becquerel?"

The dog responds with a wagging tail and a happy-looking face.

"Hehe, I knew you did!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, thanks to people who commented on this on Fanfiction, I now know what a fucktart is.


	14. A Plan, Backfired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks will now be represented like `This`.

The front door opens. Jane steps in, followed by some mass she's carrying. Karkat is helping her carry it. They go to the bedroom and dump the unconscious mess that is Dad onto the bed, where hopefully he'll get some sleep and think this was all a bad dream. John follows them into the house, but breaks apart from the group and goes into the living room. He can't even begin to imagine what Dad might be thinking, or dreaming, or what he'll think when he wakes up. It's just too much for him to handle. He paces around the room nervously, shaking like a tree in a hurricane.

Jane and Karkat walk out of the bedroom as Dave and Kanaya enter the house. They all meet up in the kitchen, where they watch John pace around the living room. "Well, that was quite a scene you guys made today," Dave says, trying to lighten the mood.

"Shut up, Dave. That scene may have just broken us all away from each other," Kanaya says worriedly. "Who knows what our guardians think?'

"Well, as of right now, only Dad and that weird adult version of Roxy knows. And considering she looked like she'd been drinking for three days straight, I would say that only Dad actually has any sort of clue about it. We should be safe," Jane tries to be reassuring. Hopefully Kanaya has no idea how strict Dad can actually be.

John walks over to them in the kitchen, shaking like a tree in a hurricane. "I might have an idea." He sounds like he isn't all too confident though.

"Oh yeah, what would that be," Kanaya asks.

"Perhaps you have all forgotten; I am the pranking master."  
What John and his friends are doing isn't so much a prank as it is convincement. Carefully they carry Dad back out to the car and drive off to the bakery. John goes and knocks on the door. Adam answers. John explains what they need to do, and, without question, Adam lets them into the bakery and into Dad's office.

The kids set Dad in his chair as if he'd fallen asleep. They explain their plan to Adam in gory detail so that he wouldn't miss a single thing in it. He asks why they are doing this. The only response he gets is John telling him it will most likely be on the news later. There were soooooooo many cameras.

After the plan is explained, Adam tells the kids that he'll do everything he can to convince Dad, but also Dad isn't as dumb as he lets on. After some begging by the kids, Adam goes over to the phone on Dad's desk and picks it up. He holds it to his ear as he presses a couple buttons, then a couple more, three more, one more, four more, one more, five more, and hangs up. "There, the call from the school has been permanently deleted and no record exists of it." He gives the kids a smile. They all thank him for his cooperation and leave. After they leave, he tells everyone in the bakery the plan, giving the kids a head start before he officially sets it in motion.

  


Unfortunately, the plan would prove ineffective. Five minutes after the kids arrive back at John's and Jane's and Karkat's house/hive and get all set up like they normally are after school, Dad shows up in the driveway. Karkat, warning everyone of the situation, rushes over to his usual seat next in John's lap on the chair. Dave gets a drink out of the fridge, Dirk and Sollux sit at the dining room table, Jane and Jake sit on the love seat, Terezi and Jade stand at the counter in the kitchen (The entire area is completely open, so they don't have to technically be in the same room while talking), Rose and Roxy sit next to each other on the couch—Rose holding a small martini (she has really cut back on her beverages) and Roxy with a small glass of tea, and Kanaya sits on the other side of Rose, rolling her eyes at the drink in Rose's hand. Everything is set up perfectly when Dad walks in the door, angrier than Karkat on his troll-period.

"Dad, you're home early," John squeaks, trying hard to hide the nervousness in his voice.

Dad walks over to him. "John, did you seriously think that I was dumb enough to think that everything was a dream?!"

`Adam walks over to Dad and shakes his shoulder a little bit, coaxing him to wake up. Dad awakens with a jump, which almost scares the crap out of Adam. "Uh, Mr. Egbert, are you coming back to work or are you just going to continue sleeping?"`

`"Sleeping, why would I be sleeping," Dad questions.`

`"Well, you said you had a bad headache and came in to take a couple aspirin. You also said you'd be right out, but you've been in here for about an hour and a half."`

`"I have?"`

`"Yes." All seems to be going according to plan. Dad seems to be buying the whole headache thing and the kids seem to be safe.`

`"Adam, I had the weirdest dream," Dad suddenly says, bringing Adam back to reality. The tone in Dad's voice changes from belief to suspicion.`

`Adam becomes nervous. "What was it about?"`

`"I'm not quite sure, but it was so real. I do know that in it, I got a call from the school and had to leave for about an hour. Then I passed out and was carried around then brought here and woken up." Yeah, Dad knows this is a trick. "Nice try, Adam," Dad stands up out of his chair, "but your plan has failed." With that he leaves…again…and heads toward home.`

"I was kind of hoping you would," John becomes a little scared at what Dad might do, but calmly, he excuses everyone except for John, Jane, and Karkat into the back yard so he can have a word with the two kids and troll.

"Karkat, get the fuck off John's lap." Dad's tone is cold. Well, this is new behavior. Sure, he doesn't really care for Karkat much, but he never talks to him like this. Karkat moves over next to Jane, both becoming a little nervous.

"Where should I start off," Dad continues, "Perhaps it should be with Jane, or should I say, mom? Really? I just can't rap my mind around you being my biological mother, just as you are John's, who just so happens to be your adopted grandson slash biological father slash my adopted son slash my biological half-brother?! What the ever loving fuck is going on here? And to top it all off, I learn that you, John, are, in fact, a homo. Don't get me wrong; I have no problem with that, but what I do have a problem with, is who, or better yet 'what' you are homo for." He turns to Karkat. "A troll. You know, Karkat, this would perfectly explain your foul language and attitude, as well as Gamzee's behavior. All trolls are scum. They do not belong here, coexisting with humans."

"That's why we came from fucking Alternia, fuckass!"

"Shut it, Demon! You will talk only when I tell you to! Now, back to what I was getting at: John, Jane, neither of you are allowed to see any of the trolls ever again."

"WHAT?!" John and Jane shout in unison. "This isn't fair!"

"No one said life is fair."

"But Dad, Karkat hasn't done anything to hurt any of us," John tries to defend the grouchy cancer.

"You mean, 'not yet.'"

"No, Karkat is a good troll. He's contributed more to this universe than you could ever possibly think. The same goes for the other trolls! The only one who's scum here is you!"

"I'm sorry John, but Karkat and Gamzee have to go." Dad turns to Karkat. "Karkat, go pack yours and Gamzee's things; you are leaving immediately." After little bit of arguing, Karkat begrudgingly gathers his belongings, which isn't much—just enough to fill one suitcase. When he comes back out into the hallway, he ties to go over to John. With a sad expression, he begins, "Bye, John—"

"No! I said no interactions! Karkat, leave. Now!" Dad moves over to Karkat and takes him to the door, which he'd already opened for the troll. At least he's being somewhat nice about kicking the poor creature out onto the street.

Karkat stands in the doorway for a couple minutes, which feels like an eternity. After the couple minutes of him and Dad glaring at each other, he gives a harsh, "Fuck you," and leaves, slamming the door hard enough to break the window in it on his way out. Dad picks up the phone to call the other guardians to warn them of the Trollian threats.  
Hearing the door slam and glass break, the remaining kids and trolls run around to the front and see Karkat stomping away from the house, suitcase in hand and red, translucent tears welling up in his eyes. They all rush over to comfort him, but he shoves them all away and continues walking down the street with no destination.  


* * *

  
**The next morning…**   


\-- carcinoGenesis `[CG]` began pestering ectoBiologist `[EB]` at 8:12 --

  


CG: JOHN.  
CG: JOHN…  
CG: HELLO? IS ANYBODY THERE?!  
CG: I'M STILL FUCKING WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!  
CG: DAMMIT EGBERT! ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PESTERLOG, OR WHATEVER YOU PEOPLE CALL IT! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU THIS WAY SINCE YOUR FUCKING HUMAN MAN-LUSUS WON'T LET US SEE EACH OTHER!

EB: Oh, im sorry Karkat. I didnt know you were there.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TYPING QUIRK?

EB: Im just trying to pick another one got bored with the hope it doesnt bother you.

CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT EVERYTHING BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

EB: Well im sorry that i dont hang out with you and daddy all the time so i dont know what youre exactly like.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?

EB: Wait, you thought i was daddy? No, im Casey.

CG: THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHN?

EB: Why wont grandpa let you see each other?

CG: CASEY JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

EB: I dont know. I havent seen him since i left for band camp.

CG: OH.  
CG: WAIT  
CG: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HOME?

EB: I got home last night. About nine i think.

CG: OH MY GOD!

EB: What?!

CG: HE PROBABLY RAN AWAY!

EB: Why?!

CG: BECAUSE OF ME!  


\--carcinoGenesis `[CG] `ceased trolling ectoBiologist `[EB]` \--

  
Yes, John is unable to answer his pesterlog. But what Casey and Karkat didn't know, is that John is still at the house…lying on the basement floor in a puddle of blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, all trolls have periods. It's just that Karkat's is just more violent than ever thought possible.


	15. Bad Casey

After Dad kicks Karkat out, John run and locks himself in his room. Eventually Jane talked her way in and cradles him in her arms, trying her best to soothe him. A few hours later, Jake comes over to talk to John and see what's wrong. Apparently word is going around that Karkat, Gamzee, Terezi, Sollux, and Kanaya are trolls, which is true, but they weren't expecting the other guardians to find out. 

The other guardians are completely cool with it. Dirk and Dave's bros were just like, "So, we can fight them off if anything happens."

Adult Rose and Roxy were like, "Well, Kabana hesan't done aynythin but hlp. So we gess shes okay."

Grandpa Harley and Grandma were just like, "The kids have guns and computers, so they'll be okay if anything happens. Besides, the "troll" that lives with us is blind, so we don't think there'll be any problems."

But Dad typically acts like he has a corn cob shoved up his ass anyway, so his attitude toward the trolls wasn't surprising.  
Jake heard from Dave's Bro that Karkat had been kicked out of the house, so he wanted to go and comfort him. He is, after all, John's actual father, though he still has no idea how that could possibly be.

He gets in John's room and tells Jane that Dirk needs her for a project. She leaves and leaves John and Jake alone. The two of them talk for hours, eventually cheering John up until he realizes that Casey isn't home yet. She should have gotten home yesterday. Great, here come the waterworks again. But that could have been caused by the horns that have quickly grown out of John's head to full size, which scared the crap out of Jake when it happened.  
Casey walks in the door. The house is eerily quiet. She could have sworn that John said he'd be waiting for her. Knowing him, he would have jumped out and shoved a restored bunny from his favorite movie in her face by now.

Just as John needs to be comforted by today's earlier events, Casey also needs to be comforted because of her late arrival. As previously stated, she was scheduled to arrive back home yesterday. The reasoning for this is because her bus got ambushed by a couple of wild trolls. One troll had a cancer symbol and horns like Karkat's. The other one had John's features: his blue eyes, scraggly hair, painfully obvious overbite, etc. They held the bus hostage for twelve hours trying to figure a way in and get people out. That is, until they were stopped by John's and Karkat's godheads. Yes, though they may not like anyone else, especially Karkat's godhead, they absolutely adore Casey and wanted her to be free. Before they arrived, the troll that had John's appearance (and rather low I.Q.) informed the other that he smelled trolls. His sense of smell is extremely keen, and he was able to describe, in detail, the five trolls residing with the kids. He was able to do this because their smells rubbed off on Casey and lingered there. This gave them a higher interest in eating her, as mutant-bloods, being cherry red, typically taste a whole lot better than normal bloods.

After the trolls were sent away (Karkat killed the one in his likeness, much to the Heir's dismay), the two godheads had an argument, right there, next to the bus, for everyone, including Casey herself, to see. She and her friends deduced from that that her daddy and her daddy's grumpy boyfriend are gods, and one of them is a troll. This freaks her out and she becomes scared to go home for once, mainly because of her daddy's grumpy boyfriend being a troll.  
Now back to the present (in this rather long flashback), Casey silently calls out her daddy's name, hoping to get a response. She does it quietly so that no one is startled. But it appears that no one is home. Yet.

She walks into the kitchen and sets her trumpet on the counter top. She then hears creaking coming from down the hall. Quickly turning her head, she sees a candy-corn-colored column with a weird split in it come through the doorway. It appears to be the same horn that was on the troll that resembled John. She quickly dives behind the counter so as to not be seen, and crawls over and silently grabs the largest frying pan in the house, which weighs about ten pounds. As the wild troll makes its way into the open area from the hallway, she crawls around the island-counter and under the dining room table to remain hidden.

The troll opens the fridge, giving off enough light to illuminate a strip of Casey's face underneath the table. Though part of her is illuminated and stands out from the surrounding dark, she remains unnoticed as she sits and watches the troll.

The troll grabs something out of the fridge that looks like a piece of chicken and heads back to the lit room where it came out of. Casey breathes a sigh of relief, that is, until her phone rings. She quickly silences it, hoping that the troll didn't hear.  


  


After Jake fails to return to the room, John finishes his raw chicken and heads out to see what happened. When he has his back turned to Casey, she sneaks up on him. But before she could do anything, the two of them hear a phone ding in another room, which grabs John's attention. He runs through the house and back into his bedroom, leaving Casey to run back to her hiding place.

When he gets back in the room he grabs his phone and sees that he has a new message. He opens pesterlog and sees a message from an unknown user.

  


\-- _ [ ] began pestering ectoBiologist `[EB]` at 21:17 --

  


: (`You're welcome.`)

Huh?

EB: for what?

John sets his phone down back on the bed, not expecting a reply anytime soon, and heads back into the main part of the house in search of Jake. When he gets back into the kitchen, once again with his back turned to Casey, she sneaks up on him and, this time, beats him repeatedly against his head until she is sure he's unconscious. She then drops the frying pan and picks John up by his arms and drags his limp body over to the basement stairs, where she tosses him down and locks the door, making sure he won't be able to escape. On his way down the steps, both his horns become severely cracked and almost broken off completely, allowing blood to pour out of them as well as the breaks in his skin from Casey beating him. Casey then proceeds to clean up the purple blood and calls a gang notorious for hunting down trolls.

Seconds after the blood is cleaned and while Casey is on the phone with this mysterious troll-hunting gang, John's phone once again dings with another message in Pesterchum. Had he been able to highlight the white text in between the black parenthesis, he would have seen this message:

: (`For delaying that.`)


	16. Where's John?

\-- carcinoGenesis `[CG]` began pestering ectoBiologist `[EB]` at 8:12 --

CG: JOHN.  
CG: JOHN…  
CG: HELLO? IS ANYBODY THERE?!  
CG: I'M STILL FUCKING WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!  
CG: DAMMIT EGBERT! ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PESTERLOG, OR WHATEVER YOU PEOPLE CALL IT! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU THIS WAY SINCE YOUR FUCKING HUMAN MAN-LUSUS WON'T LET US SEE EACH OTHER!

EB: Oh, im sorry Karkat. I didnt know you were there.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TYPING QUIRK?

EB: Nothing. Im just trying to pick another one out. I got bored with the original.  
EB: I hope it doesnt bother you.

CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT EVERYTHING BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

EB: Well im sorry that i dont hang out with you and daddy all the time so i dont know what youre exactly like.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?

EB: Wait, you thought i was daddy? No, im Casey.

CG: THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHN?

EB: Why wont grandpa let you see each other?

CG: CASEY JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

EB: I dont know. I havent seen him since i left for band camp.

CG: OH.  
CG: WAIT  
CG: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HOME?

EB: I got home last night. About nine i think.

CG: OH MY GOD!

EB: What?!

CG: HE PROBABLY RAN AWAY!

EB: Why?!

CG: BECAUSE OF ME!

\-- carcinoGenesis` [CG]` ceased trolling ectoBiologist` [EB]` \--

  


* * *

  
Okay, that was nerve-wrecking. Was he mad at Casey for some reason? No, she knows Karkat. The most he would do is yell and swear. Right? Perhaps, but what about that one troll that looked like him the other day? That one seemed out for blood and food. Probably mostly food. Food that her body can provide…

No. Karkat wouldn't do that. He's been nice to her in the past. Or at least she thinks he has. But what was all this about Grandpa Dad kicking him out? Did he find out that Karkat is a troll? Did Karkat try eating him? Wow, Casey really needs to get her mind off of this.

All she knows is that John isn't home yet. And she's starting…scratch that…been worried out of her fucking mind ever since. Grandpa Dad says that he called the cops and they're searching for him. She decides to call Dave over. Whenever John or Karkat couldn't be there to comfort her, Dave was.  
"Now, aren't you all happy that you sabotaged my beauty sleep?" The four Striders have absolutely no idea how this could have possibly happened. "I'm not hearing a response."

"Terezi, just let us go," Dave says. He's tired of this joke. It was a little funny at first, but now it's beginning to turn terrifying for the humans. Perhaps the two Bros should've listened to Dad when he warned them about trolls.

"Dave, that isn't what I asked."

"It was fun while it lasted." Dave turns his head toward the troll on the branch next to him and smiles sarcastically. No, not smirking, actually smiling, yes, in a rather sarcastic and joking way, but smiling nonetheless. "Please, can you tell us how exactly we wound up in this predicament? Or do I have to force you to?"

"You better watch it. One wrong move and you're hung." Terezi laughs maniacally. Dave seems to be the only one of the four Striders unphased by it.

The five creatures stand on a tree branch twelve feet above the ground. Each Strider has a noose around his neck with a five foot rope tying him to the tree. If he falls, his neck snaps and he's dead. Dave seems cool about all of this, but Dirk and their Bros, which are really adult versions of themselves, are freaking out. Each of the three is sweating. Their shades have fallen to the ground, exposing their mutant eyes. Adult Dave's eyes begin to "water," as he puts it.

To show that she's serious, she has also tied a miniature noose made out of string around a squirrel's neck. Making sure all four Striders are paying attention she pushes the squirrel off the branch, leaving it to hang by its noose. "You know, Terezi, if you're so obsessed with justice, you would realize that this is way too much of an overreaction to a loss of sleep. Besides, it isn't my fault I was strifing. The other three dragged me into it." Dave attempts to get out of his punishment. But just as Terezi is about to shove his sorry ass off the branch, her phone rings. She answers it and Jade complains on the other end. "Have you seen Jake anywhere? He's been gone since last night. I mean, I know he went over to talk to John, but I know that he wouldn't stay over at someone else's for more than a few hours."

"No, I haven't seen him, but I'm sure he's just hanging around somewhere." Terezi giggles as she looks over to another branch where Jake swings slightly, pushed by the small breeze moving around the yard. The noose digs into his neck as his weight attempts to pull his body down.

"Are you sure you haven't seen him? That giggle sounded awfully suspicious."

"Harley, I am a lady of justice. I do nothing to anyone who does nothing wrong." What Jade doesn't know, or at least Terezi hopes she doesn't know, is that Jake shot one of his pistols in the air to stop the Striders' strifing, and effectively waking Terezi.

Jake comes running to Chez Strider. He comes from the general direction of John's, and formerly Karkat's and Gamzee's, house. He knocks on the door, trying to get anybody's attention when he realizes he has a phone. He reaches into his pocket to take it out when he doesn't get an answer at the door. When he doesn't feel anything, he realizes that he probably left it at John's house. Either way, the attention of any one of the Striders would be appreciated at this current point in time. Preferably Dirk.

The night goes quiet without him banging on the door. And suddenly, Jake hears something around back, sounding like it might be coming from the woods behind Chez Strider. He walks around back, and to his surprise, it isn't coming from the woods. For once, the four blondes are strifing in their back yard, relatively close to the house compared to the rest of the fifteen acres. They have a fire going in the fire pit, giving them some light and a little warmth in the cool night air.

Jake knows all too well the dangers of a Strider strife, but nevertheless, what must be done must be done. He runs out behind the house, a new prototypic battle cry erupting from his larynx and shooting his pistols off in the air. It isn't so much the pistols as it is the horribly fruity battle cry coming from the [adventurous] teen. The four Striders stop what they're doing and just stare at Jake in confusion and bafflement. Dirk goes so far as to scratch his hurting brain trying to figure out what exactly his boy toy is doing.

"Now you all listen up," Jake begins to shout, but as he begins, the back door of the house slams open, revealing a teal-blooded troll with anger in her eyes.

And somehow the following events led us to here. Jake, of course, was regarded as the main culprit for waking Terezi up. The other four were regarded as instigators. Jake was hanged first for being the main culprit. The other four get to watch each other die. Hopefully.

"Ugh, fine, whatever. If you see him just tell him that grandpa…I mean…he is worried about his safety. Okay?"

"Whatever." Terezi hangs up the phone. Now, back to business. Maybe.

Just as she begins with what she was doing prior to Jade's rude interruption, her phone rings again. "Ugh, this shit is really starting to get old," she says to herself with a scowl. She answers the phone. This time it's Rose.

"What do you want, Lalonde? "

"Well, I do believe that I wish to speak with Dave. He hasn't been answering his phone."

"That would be because his phone is inside."

"And where exactly would he be?"

"In a tree, about to become one of my scalemates."

"What does that—no, don't answer that. Just, never mind. I don't want to know. Anyway, can you at least let me talk to him? "

"No."

"Well, then can you pass along a message?"

"Maybe."

"Terezi, this is no joking matter. John has run away and no one knows where he is. Roxy, Kanaya and I are here with Casey and we're all quite worried."

Terezi's eyes widen. Number one: she wasn't expecting John to not be home. Number two: CASEY'S HOME! EEEEEE! Terezi just wants to scream with excitement that her best friend is home. Well, best child friend. she hangs up the phone.

"Uh, Terezi," Dave asks, becoming concerned for the psychotic alien, "are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah! Casey's fucking home!" With that she decides to get the duty done and instead of waiting any longer, she pushes all four Striders off the branch at the same time. Their necks are almost snapped before their combined weight pulling on the branch causes it to snap and they fall, barely saving their lives. Obviously they're all pissed at Terezi, and she knows she probably can't pull anything like that off ever again, so she decides to yell, "Oh shit," and make a run for it to spare herself from Dave, Bro, and other Bro. Dirk stays behind to weep for his fallen boyfriend, who lets out a strained and deprived "help."

Looking up, Dirk sees that Jake is barely hanging onto life as the rope pushes father against his fragile neck, threatening suffocation. Without hesitation, he reaches down for his katana and throws it at the rope, slicing it and sending the Australian-accented boy falling to the ground, gasping for breath. He kneels down beside Jake and grabs his hand, pulling him up off the ground. "How the fuck are you still alive? "

"Dirk … when you live … alone … on a jungle island … with vines and shit everywhere … it's hard not … to … hard not to get tangled up in things … every now and then … So, that experience … allowed me to … as I was falling …"

"Okay, I think I understand the rest of it." Had he not stopped Jake there, who knows how long it would've taken him to complete his statement, taking a couple deep breaths every few words. He takes Jake inside the house to get him a glass of water and let him rest and clear his mind from almost being killed. Who knows, she probably almost killed him mostly because he looks like John, but oh well, it's Terezi, so it's anyone's guess.  
After barely making it to the now Egbert/Crocker household, Terezi busts through the door, excited and frightened all at the same time and tackles Casey. She tells Casey to hide her. "From what," Casey asks as three of the Striders run through the door, angry as hell, and out for blood. Teal blood to be exact.

Bro grabs Terezi and pulls her away from Casey. Other bro pulls out his sword, but is stopped by Kanaya pulling out her chainsaw. "Oh, so you pull out the chainsaw for that guy, but you don't for John's fucking godhead," Rose asks, angry, surprised, and confused at the scene in front of her.

"Rose, I didn't want our wrath placed on us. At least now I don't have to worry about that."

"It's called the Knight of Time. You do realize that there are three Daves, right? And godhead Dave will probably take revenge for killing an iteration of him." Damn it Rose, you just spoiled Kanaya's fun.

"So, does this mean I can slice Terezi in half now? "

"Absolutely not," Rose responds. Adult Dave puts down his sword, but Adult Dirk keeps a hold on Terezi. Rose begins again. "Can someone please just tell us whats going on here?"

"Well, I do believe that John is—"

"Roxy, I was talking about the Striders and Terezi."

"Oh."

"Well, Miss Legislacer-whatever here tried to hang us," Dave says.

"She what," Rose is surprised.

"She. Tried. To. Hang. Us. Pay attention, Rose."

"Why did she try to hang you?"

"Because Jake woke her up with his weird little scream and gunshots. She put the blame on us for some reason and tried hanging us. Wait, where's Dirk?"

"I'm right here."

"Haha Bro, I was talking about the other Dirk."

"He stayed behind to get Jake down from the tree." Adult Dave responds.

Wait, she was going to hang Jake as well," Kanaya asks.

"Try 'did hang.' He was the first to be pushed."

"Well, I guess we better hope Jade doesn't find out," Roxy says while pulling out her phone.

"Guys, can we just get back to the matter at hand," Rose asks, trying to steer the conversation back to John. "John is still missing. We've searched everywhere for him."

"Have you looked downstairs," Dave asks.

"No. He would never go down there. Not even if his prankster gambits were acting up again. I'm afraid he's truly missing."

"Karkat thinks he ran away because of him, for some reason," Casey breaks into the conversation. In reality, Karkat thinks he ran away in search of him. He kind of didn't get the chance to tell Casey that much before he was forced to close the pester/trolllog. But that's a different chapter.

Ten minutes later, Jade arrives and out for blood, just like the Striders. Kanaya meets her at the door and calms her down. Though her godhead inherited the dog appearance, mortal Jade herself also inherited the doglike attitude and keeps at the ready for any attack that Terezi might do.  
Down at the bottom of the basement stairs, John wakes up and hears their argument. His head is in extreme pain, so much that he can't even make any noise. He tries to move on the ground, but is horrified when he feels something wet. He puts his hand in the puddle around his head and brings it up to look at it. his hand comes out dripping something purple. It has a metallic smell reminiscent to blood. And he comes to the horrifying realization that it is blood. His eyes widen as far as they can go before the pain causes him to close them abruptly.

"Three-Two- One…" the 'one' echoes through the entire house.

"Uh, am I the only one that just heard that," Dave asks.

"No, I heard it too," Rose says.

"I think we all did," Jade replies. Everyone has a look of half-confusion and half-fear. They have no idea what just happened and it's creeping them out.  


* * *

  
"Wake up."

"Hello? Are you listening to me?"

"Of course you aren't. You're still asleep. Oh well, I guess I'll just stand here like a creeper and watch you in order to pass time while waiting for your stubborn ass to wake up." John lies asleep in a rather elegant room. Okay, more like completely out cold. Unconscious. No awareness whatsoever.

**Several minutes later…**

"You don't have time for this." A bucket of ice water is dumped on John, effectively waking him up. he gasps for breath after the shock of ice water hitting his bare skin subsides.

"What the fuck was that for?! "

"You weren't waking up." Bequerius attempts to make himself sound as innocent as possible. But John isn't falling for that shit.

"You could've just shaken me like a normal person."

"In case you haven't noticed, boy, I am not a normal person. Now, I know you have questions, and we definitely don't have all day, so start asking before I start answering."

"Uh," great, now John has no idea what to say. "Help me out here."

"Well, you could ask about your condition, or why you're here, or quite possibly about your blood."

"Yeah, let's start with the blood. That was a little horrifying."

"Excellent choice. Now, this is going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but yes, to answer your main question, your blood is purple."

"Okay. But that doesn't answer why it is."

"It's purple because a weretroll's blood creates a new protein to change its color to its eye color."

"But my eyes are red!"

"You didn't let me finish. Your eyes turned red because blood vessels popped from the sudden change in DNA. The blood pooled around your pupils. That's why your eyes turned red."

"Then shouldn't they be purple?"

"The blood didn't mix with your irises. It covered them; that's different. The new protein is the same shade as your eyes and is designed to carry carbon dioxide, just as Vriska's was. It began to mix with the hemoglobin, which is designed to carry oxygen, and instead, began reflecting purple light. That is why your blood is purple."

"Oh."

"Ask another question." Beq smiles.

"Okay, uh, will I ever turn back into a human? "

Beq laughs. "Boy, you are still human! Albeit not entirely, but you are!"

Okay, now John is confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You are not fully a troll. You appear so, but believe me, both you and Karkat will know exactly when you become a full troll."

"Why?"

"Remember when Kanaya was telling you all about this? Well, she said that the first-generation weretroll turns into its victims original species, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Well, she forgot to mention that this doesn't happen until the second- generation weretroll's transformation is complete. It happens suddenly and instantaneously, causing a great deal of pain as the horns retract and completely disappear."

"But she said it's only temporary."

"It is; it only lasts for a few days before the creature suddenly and instantaneously returns to normal, also causing a great deal of pain as the horns grow back, and so on and so on. I'm not quite sure why it happens though."

"How do you know all this stuff?"

"Boy, do you honestly think that you and Karkat are the only weretrolls in a universe full of trolls? There are countless planets with trolls inhabiting them, just as there are in a lot of universes. Mainly due to Her Imperious Condescension."

"Oh."

"But back to the original question."

"What was that?" Okay, now John is lost. What was the original question? Oh, right: will he ever become a human again.

"It is rather difficult for me to say. Omniscience only goes so far, you know."

"What does that mean?"

"I can tell you the exact future when it comes down to an important decision. But when it comes down to an important discovery, that's where omniscience splits apart."

"Oh, what does that mean?"

"It means that depending on what the discovery is, omniscience forces me to see multiple possible outcomes, ranging anywhere from two to two billion. In your case, I see five. One: you find the cure in time and turn back to normal and live out your life as if it never happened, except for you being banned from seeing the trolls, until you're eighteen. This outcome is slightly plausible."

"Slightly?! What does that mean?!"

"Two: You find the cure in time, except you begin to wonder what it would've been like to be a troll for the rest of your life and do it with Karkat and have him bite you again. You refuse all efforts to change you back and enjoy life as your matesprit's species. This outcome is plausible."

"You still haven't answered my question about being 'slightly plausible.'"

"Three: Everything in that last scenario except that you regret your decision and become severely depressed, eventually committing suicide."

"What?!"

"That outcome is slightly plausible. Four: you don't find the cure in time and are forced to live out the rest of your life as a troll. You come to terms with all of that and accept it as a gift instead of a curse. This outcome is extremely plausible."

"I don't want to be a fucking troll!"

"The final outcome is possibly the worst, but fortunately is the least plausible of all: You don't get the cure in time and slip into depression. Depression from not being able to hang out with your friends in public because your horns are too showy, depression from the knowledge that you can never have to not worry about your blood caste, depression from the thought that you don't fit in anymore, et cetera. The final outcome of this is that you commit suicide around three years from the complete transformation. Now, how you commit suicide is completely up to you, and since this is only a plausible outcome, I have no idea how that would be. If it were up to me, I would place my bets on either the second outcome or the fourth. But all of them are possible."

John's jaw drops to the floor. He isn't suicidal, nor will he ever be. He can't even believe that Bequerius even suggested that as an outcome. "Just take me back home."

"Alright. Threetwoone!" Poof. They're back in the basement.

"You could've at least put me in my room," John says, becoming angry.

"Well, as a first guardian, I must complete time loops. That is what I'm doing. Of course the time loop won't officially start for another four hundred years, but it still must be completed. I also took the liberty of bandaging your broken horns. Ask Equius any day and he will tell you that it's better to have complete horns than broken ones. Fortunately the bandages will only need to be on for another two days as troll horns tend to heal rather quickly. Before I got to them they were both broken completely. You're welcome." With that, Bequerius disappears, again. John flops down on the couch and turns on the TV, trying to distract himself from the creepiness that is his basement.  


* * *

  
"For fuck's sake will you just shut up! We're only a couple hours away," Spades slick shouts in his walkie-talkie. He doesn't use a phone when he's driving because he just ain't into that shit, you know? He demanded that he drive himself down to this broad's house alone with everyone following behind him and damn it, that's what's going to happen. He wasn't, however, expecting Clubs Deuce to keep asking "Are we there yet," like a five year old. And it's starting to bug him. Gog, he hopes that this isn't that one troll from his session of the Game.


	17. Chapter 17

Around one o'clock, Dirk and Jake finally arrive after calming the latter down for a few hours. Seriously, if you were hanged, you would take several hours to calm down too, so shut up about it. Unfortunately, when he arrives he is met with a, "So, you care to explain to us the current predicament in which John has somehow stumbled into?" Obviously from Rose.

"What?" Jake, believe it or not, is, once again, confused at what's happening here. This is also one of those rare moments in which Dirk is as well.

"Jake, what is she talking about," he whispers in Jake's ear.

"I have no idea," Jake whispers back.

It is now when Jane decides that it's her turn to speak. "Don't give us this shit, English. We all know what you did."

"Did what?!"

"You left Casey alone with John, whose horns grew to full size and is now unrecognizable as a human, so he could get clobbered several times with a skillet!"

"What?! No, I left because I had to get one of the Striders to help with a wild troll problem in the house!"

"Don't you get it, Jake," Dave speaks up. Hey, this is his best bro we're talking about here. Of course he's going to be pissed. "John is the wild troll!" All the while this is happening, Casey is over in her room spacing out with Terezi. All they know is that everyone else is pissed at Casey for some dumb reason. Suddenly, she's called out into the open area with everyone else.

  


* * *

  


Now, after a few hours awake in the creepy house-like basement, John really needs to relieve himself. He tries to locate the bathroom, wherever that's at, stumbling over everything. Hey, when a basement creeps you out, you tend to avoid it and forget about it, which is exactly what John did. But now he really has to relieve himself and he needs the bathroom.

Ah, yes, there it is, right beneath the bathroom on the main level. Of course. Or, at least he thinks it's right beneath the one on the main level as he can't hear any more arguing.

He stands in front of the toilet and undoes his pants. Looking down at the tentadick, he realizes something. "How the hell do I use this thing," he asks himself. Don't get him wrong. Yes, he's had to do this many times, but since he began changing into a troll, he's had a lot more bowel movements and has urinated during that time. He's never before gotten the chance to get the hang of using a troll bone bulge to pee, so instead he just stands there awkwardly trying to figure out how to use it.

He moves it around with his hands trying to find an orifice that would be used in the bathroom ritual of relieving oneself's bladder by the process of urination. Suddenly, the moving around of the tentacle-like appendage begins to feel good, and he begins to softly moan. For the next five minutes: SEXY TIMES WITH JOHN AND … Uh … John? Okay, this just got awkward.

After sexy times, he finds the beloved orifice. That's when it decides to say, "lol, jk jk." Because, as it would turn out, it wasn't the right hole. That was actually on another tentacle-like appendage still hidden inside what John has come to know as a "nook". Needless to say, his pants kind of got covered in a translucent yellowish-blue liquid known as Troll John urine.

This is rather uncomfortable, so he thinks about climbing in the shower. His thoughts are only made stronger when he looks in the mirror. "Ugh, he could have at least washed the blood off my face," he says to no one in particular, but hoping that Bequerius can hear.

He climbs in the shower, which is only about a minute from where we left off upstairs. Everyone upstairs except for Casey doesn't know about John being in the basement, so they're all confused about a strange new sound emanating from the basement. Whatever it is, they can't make out. "Casey," Dave shouts, "get in here!"

Casey comes running in. "Yeah?"

"Did you lock him in the basement?"

"Well, it was the only place capable of containing a wild troll, so yes." Everyone except Casey runs over to the basement door. They try breaking in but it won't budge. "It won't work," Casey hollers.

"Why the fuck not," Dave asks.

"Because it's a safe house."

"A what now?"

"A safe house. The door is completely secured by a pass code."

"Then what's the fucking pass code?!"

"I don't know! Grandpa never told me!" Everyone except for Dave moves away from the door. Dave stays behind and tries to bust it down but to no avail. Really? Why would Dad need a pass code-protected safe house in his basement? As a basement? Now, according to Rose and Kanaya, it's a contest between Jake and Casey on who's the bigger idiot. Dirk calls Dad at the bakery to get the pass code, but the phone isn't answered.

"I guess we'll have to go to the bakery and get the code from him personally," he says after a couple calls. Everyone begins to walk out toward Rose and Kanaya's van. "Dave, come on." Dave quits beating on the door.

"Wait, can't we just get Sollux to come over and take the door off, or is he still blind and powerless," Jane asks.

"No, he's being healed by Aranea. He's been gone for about nine hours," Jade replies.

" Okay. Casey, you stay here just in case John knows the pass code and gets out," Jane orders.

After everyone else except for Dave goes out to the van, Rose goes over to Casey. "I hope John isn't completely pissed at you for this!" She says that in a little whisper-yell so no one would hear her. After saying that, she walks off toward the van.

Dave waits until she leaves to go over to Casey and, with a whisper-yell, says, "I hope he makes you watch Con Air for this! And I hope he makes you watch it good!" After saying this, he turns around and storms off toward the van with everyone else.

Casey, amazed at what she just heard, can't help but just stand there, looking out the door and watching them drive off, and ask herself, "Did he just threaten me with a movie?"

On the way over to the bakery, Dave watches out the window for something. He doesn't know what exactly. Karkat, perhaps? Well, no one runs away from his best bro like that and gets away with it, so yeah, perhaps. All he's certain of is that their broship may be over unless the cherry-blooded troll can give a good explanation as to why he hasn't shown up to the house. But then something catches his eye.

In the oncoming lane, a slick black van passes the kids. It may have just been the dark discoloration from his aviators, but Dave swears it was a certain carapacian from their game. "Guys, I think Jack just passed us."

"Who," Roxy asks.

"Jack. You know, that evil dude that all but destroyed our sessions."

"Wasn't he obliterated with the sprites when the game ended," Rose asks.

"I thought so too, but apparently not. I could've swore he just passed us."

"Which direction," Jake asks.

"Shut up. You have no place to talk. But he was going the other way." Well, this is rather comforting news. Jack is now on the loose in their universe. What makes it better is that he destroyed their original. Yes, it is a rather comforting thought. "Look, let's just get the pass code, get John out of the basement, and kill the fuck out of Jack."  


* * *

  
"Er. Mah. Gerd. This is the absolute best shower ever," John says to himself as he rinses the shampooing out of his hair. "I really needed this." He has yet to realize he has nothing to wear after he steps out.

Upstairs, Casey hears a knock at the door. She gets up and opens it. On the other side stands a certain carapacian we all know and potentially quadrant flip with.

Enter Name: Jackof—

**NO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID JOKES! YOU DON'T GET TO NAME ANY MORE CHARACTERS ANYMORE!**

**Anyway, as I was saying, It isn't Jack. It's Spades Slick. There, try to name him now.**

**What's that? You can't? Gee, I wonder why.**

Getting back to the story, Spades stands there waiting to be welcomed in. "Unless, of course, this is the wrong house," he asks the broad which had answered the door. He was expecting someone older, but oh well. A broad is a broad.

"Uh, yeah, come on in."

"Thank you." Spades isn't normally polite with his clients, but this is just a little girl here, so he'll try his best not to spoil her. He steps in the house and looks around. "Where is it?"

"Oh, it's uh, downstairs."

"Do you have any food?" After he asks that, he notices a McDonald's bag on the counter. Dirk and Jake went there to pick up lunch for everyone on their way over to the house. Needless to say, most of it had gone uneaten. He goes over and picks up the bag. "It's still fresh?"

"It hasn't been out for very long. Maybe twenty minutes."

Spades nods. "Where's your basement?" He follows as Casey leads him over to the door.

"It's pass code-protected. It's completely locked until we get the code from grandpa." Now would probably be a good time to mention that Casey doesn't believe in superstitious shit like "weretrolls," or whatever Kanaya called it. She knows damn good and well what her daddy looks like and what he sounds like when he hits the ground. This troll sounded nothing like that. So she doesn't believe any of the others.

Spades looks at the keypad. After a couple minutes of staring, he presses three buttons, each making a certain sound, and the door unlocks. Casey looks at him wide-eyed. "How did you do that?"

"Some things are just obvious." Wait, did this stupid red piece-of-shit piece of glass over his eye actually do something? He could've swore he just looked at the thing and saw the pass code. He punched it in and the thing unlocks. Apparently that orange guy that was dressed as a troll wasn't completely useless after all.

Casey still can't believe that he figured out the code. She's too surprised to even ask.

Spades opens the door and looks down. "Well, I see blood on the floor."

"Wait, just blood?"

"Just blood. Purple blood to be exact. This troll is royalty." At least he knows that this isn't that one troll that helped him exile the black queen. But there's another problem. The troll is royalty. That means that if it goes back injured, or doesn't return at all, there will be a pissed troll clan hunting them down. He's sure of that.

The two go down the stairs and walk around the puddle. The troll is nowhere in sight. Spades sets the McDonald's bag down on the coffee table and waits. He waits for about five minutes before he sends Casey up to close the door. "But we'll get locked down here," she complains.

"Would you rather the troll get away and bring its friends here?"

Okay, perhaps that makes sense. She goes and closes the door. When she comes back down, Spades says, "I wonder why this hasn't worked. Usually trolls can't resist people food." He looks at the bag again. "Wait," he says, "I had forgotten this is McDonald's, ninety percent chemical and ten percent food. Yeah, if I were a troll, I wouldn't classify it as people food either." This gives Casey a chuckle.

Back in the bathroom, the scent is finally getting to John. Noticing this, he gets a confused look on his face. "Why do I smell McDonald's," he asks no one in particular. Rather loudly, actually.

This grabs Spades' and Casey's attention. They get up and head over to where they believe the sound originated. Listening through the door, they hear running water. Spades shoos her and when she's gone, he opens the door quietly. The room is larger than your typical bathroom. It has two toilets, two showers, one tub, and three sinks. In one of the showers, he sees the troll, standing with his front to the wall where the water stream originates, and his back to Spades. Perfect.

John expected to take a nice peaceful shower in his home-prison. One minute he's nice and stressed about what's happening, and the next, he's being given a wonderful massage with warm water. He really wishes Karkat could be here for this.

Oh, Karkat.

He decides to let the warm water wash the sadness away, and just when he gets relaxed again, he smells McDonald's. He wonders why he smells McDonald's. And now, there is some weird creeper stalker in the bathroom with him, approaching him from behind. Hopefully it isn't a rapist.

He feels so relaxed he wants to sing. But just as he gets the first word out, the shower door opens, allowing cooler air to rush in the shower. This shocks the hell out of him and he jumps, turning around to face the intruder.

"Well, well, what do we have here? A prince, perhaps?"

Oh shit. John's in trouble … again.  


* * *

  
"What the fuck kind of a pass code is that?!" Dave can't believe his ears. What the hell?! Behind him, Rose buries her face in her hands and groans. When asked what's wrong by Dave, she responds, "The rate at which the intelligence quotient of this group is decreasing is alarming. It's just too much to handle."

"That sounds like something I would do just for the fuck of it," Dirk says.

"No, that sounds like something you would do actually being serious," Dave responds.

"No I wouldn't," the former protests.

"Pre-scratch you would," Dave responds. "I can just see it now."

He turns back over to Dad. "Seriously, 'Bippity Boppity Boop'?! Were you fucking high when you came up with that?! How would you even type that in on a god damn fucking number pad?!"

"Simple, it's the sound the numbers make when you hit them," Dad replies, actually being serious about this. "You hit one button, and it goes 'BIPPITY'. You hit the second button and it goes 'BOPPITY'. Then you hit the last one and it goes 'BOOP'." Hearing this, Dave does a facepalm x6 combo. He had help from Dirk and Jake for that, of course. Albeit unwillingly, but help, nonetheless.  


* * *

  
Karkat lies in his bed, hoping for something to happen: death, an invitation to come back home, anything to get him out of this hellhole of a run-down ratty old motel that had run out of business several years ago. He doesn't even want to know what sort of dead creatures could be in his mattress.

The plan is simple: he stays here for as long as it takes for Dad to come to his fucking senses and invite Karkat to move back in. But for now, he lies here, waiting. Sooner or later Dad will see how miserable John is without Karkat and allow the troll to move back in. Until then, no contact whatsoever. He had only attempted to contact his matesprit last night so that he could tell him goodbye one last time before this unbearably long wait goes into its main stretch, which could take a long time. Don't get him wrong and think that he's a bad person for this. He misses John more than he misses Crabdad. And that's really saying something. As for Gamzee, well, that fuckass can go crawl in a hole and rot for eternity. Who does he think he is, leaving Karkat for his new gas station clerk matesprit? Good fucking luck to the both of them.

Gamzee had pestered him last night apologizing for not being around. He also explained perfectly why he'd left. Supposedly the fucker was getting married to this guy he barely knows and leaving his life with everyone else behind. This is just like him anymore to leave a rekindling moirailegience. Just wait until that gas station clerk finds out his new hubby's a troll. Will Karkat accept Gamzee back? Fuck no. Not this time. One second fucking chance is fucking enough in his book. Possibly too much now that he thinks about it.

And now, he just lies here. He can't get on the computer because 1: The neighboring houses changed their wifi passwords, and 2: The battery is dead. That's why he couldn't explain to Casey why John would've run away. He had to log out of Trollian before the battery ran dead because if he doesn't, the damn program starts sending these random, gibberish-filled chat messages to random people on his list. It annoys him the fuck out. The reason he can't recharge? The fucking building doesn't have fucking electricity. He's lucky to even get lukewarm water out of the shower for more than thirty fucking seconds.

And the worst part is he can't go out anymore. He has no body paint and his wig was stolen by a rat the size of a freaking chihuahua. It scared Karkat shitless when that thing just came out of nowhere and snatched it away. And there was no way he was going to try to take it back. That thing could've probably eaten his hand. Okay, maybe not, but he wasn't about to take the risk. So now his horns stick out of his head, completely exposed for the world to see and his gray skin shows completely, as well as his orange and red eyes. He's trapped in this small, moldy motel room until a miracle happens.


	18. Chapter 18

Call him a wuss, but Karkat really misses John.

Just a half hour after we had last heard, he's begun to go completely cray cray. His mind is beginning to shut down from neglect. Sure, it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since Dad damned him to roam the earth for eternity, but he's a sensitive troll, though he doesn't let anyone see. If only he knew what John is going through right about now.

He gets up off his moldy mattress and leans up against the old, dusty dresser supporting an old television set. His mind is completely lost in nothingness. He can't even think straight. He looks at the ring John had given him on their six month anniversary. It brings painful thoughts to his mind—thoughts about never seeing him again. Fearing that these thoughts may come true, he slowly takes off the ring. Though it's extremely dim in the room, the ruby shines brightly. It was a cheap move on John's part buying a ruby ring. After all, he knows that Karkat hates red, but he quickly grew accustomed to it and began to love it. He actually loved it from the start just because of the gesture. The conversation between the two when he got the ring runs through his head as he stares into the gem. His eyes fill with tears and he lets the ring slowly slip out of his hands and onto the filthy floor by his feet. After this he strips down and heads into the bathroom and turns on the shower. He steps in and sits down, hoping that the water and the darkness will wash his sadness away.  


* * *

  
Back in the present, Dave continues on with the Facepalm x6 combo. Seriously, "bippity boppity boop"? What. The. Fuck. Mr. Egbert. His excuse is that it's an easy combination to remember. "Yeah, perhaps, if you're Cinder fucking ella," was Dave's reply. There's just no possible way a sober person, lest they be a five year old girl, could ever have that as a lock combination. "So, what numbers would those be," Dave asks, sort of abandoning hope of logic being present in an answer.

"I don't know. I just memorized the location of the buttons that made the sounds. I didn't look at the numbers. Now shoo, all of you. We still have half this order to do." In reality, Dad was just getting embarrassed about the pass code. If you were forty-three years old and have a pass code set as "bippity boppity boop," you would be embarrassed as well. Especially around your employees.

After the kids leave, Jake comes back in the kitchen just long enough to kick Dad in the shin. While Dad is hopping around on one leg trying to cradle his bruised bone, and Jake is heading out the door, he turns around and tells Dad coldly, "If you hadn't kicked Karkat out of the house none of this would be happening." After that he leaves and rushes back out to the van with everyone else.

Seconds after they leave, Jake speaks again. "You know, I was thinking that maybe that Viceroy guy from the game could help out."

Dave facepalms again. "You do realize that Viceroy is Casey's male alter-ego, right?"

"No he isn't."

"Yes he is."

"Do what now?" Rose is surprised at this revealing. She had thought her little Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer was a different one altogether. This would probably explain why he always complained about getting his hands dirty. Apparently she's just now getting the news. Viceroy has gone through a sex change and became John's daughter.

"Either way, what would that do to help? Viceroy was just a salamander and didn't have any real magic," Dave continues.

"Well, if said salamander did still exist, he would probably have the power of the Horrorterrors. I do believe I let him, or I guess Casey, keep the wands."

"Whatever, let's just go get John out of the basement before something bad happens," Dirk says, trying to end this nonsensical conversation.  


* * *

  
"Sit," Spades orders the royal-blooded troll. Casey watches from across the room. From what she's heard, the higher in the "hemospectrum" they are, the more prone they are to violence, so she's keeping her distance. Now that she looks at it, the troll does resemble that one that ambushed her bus. It has the same weird horns and "Oh my god!" She becomes completely horrified at the new sight in front of her. Right in front of both her and Spades' eyes, a weird symbol became scratched into the troll's chest. It doesn't seem to faze it. In fact, the troll just looks completely confused. Its eyes move back and forth between the carapacian and Casey. When the symbol is fully formed, its color doesn't match up with the troll's blood like it should. If it matched with the blood, like Spades knows it should, it should be purple. Spades knows the troll's blood is purple by the puddle on the floor by the stairs.

"Can I have a towel or something," the troll asks. Spades can't help but feel as though he knows that voice. He recognizes it from somewhere, he just can't remember. Casey, on the other hand, doesn't, even though we all know who the troll is.

"No you may not have a towel. Not until you answer some questions, at least." Spades is trying to distract his mind from the completely naked troll.

"Come on! It's embarrassing enough that I'm turning into this thing! Now you won't even let me cover up my personal area?!"

"That's right. Now start talkin'."

The troll sits his ass down like he was told, but doesn't answer any questions. "About what?"

Spades facepalms. So what, is he becoming Clubs Deuce? He hopes not. How could he possibly forget to ask a question? Who knows? Not him. "Uh, why are you here?"

"I live here." hearing this, Spades turns his head over to Casey. She looks back, confused at this.

"He's lying! There aren't any trolls living here!"

"I'm not a fucking troll! Not yet, anyway. Not according to Bequerius."

According to who," Spades asks.

"You know, Bequerius. Eight foot tall dog-person. First Guardian …stuff like that?" As a matter of fact, Spades does know stuff like that. After dealing with the snob that is Doc Scratch he should know a lot about stuff like that.

"What the fuck," he says. Obviously rhetorically. Spades honestly didn't think that First Guardians could get much weirder that a four foot tall body with a three foot diameter cue ball for a head. But apparently he was wrong.

Across the room, Casey looks as though she's ready to crap her pants. She has always been terrified of trolls. She had never realized how terrifying and awkward they were up close. Noticing the bandages, she asks, "What's wrong with your horns?"

"That's a funny question because I would like to know the same thing." The troll turns and looks at Casey with an accusing expression. This causes her to back farther into the wall. "Casey, why exactly did you knock me out and throw me down the stairs?"

"Wha—how do you know my name?!" Casey tries to back further into the wall, but she can't because she's already against it as far as she can go.

All of this is giving Spades a headache. Just what the hell is going on exactly? "I'm going up to get some fresh air," he says and begins to leave. As he gets up and opens the door, using the pass code, Casey shouts, "Wait! Don't leave me down here!" He closes the door before he hears and she becomes trapped with the purple-blooded troll who somehow knows her name.  


* * *

  
"Come on, we're not going to make it unless you quit talking for just one second."

"But if I quit talking to this fine lady then it would be for more than a second as we will be no longer anywhere near each other. I am also trolling her, not talking. I do believe we will be billions, perhaps even trillions of light years away from each other if we happen to go through with this. And who's to say I will be able to contact her once we—"

"Wait, are you suggesting that you're having second thoughts?!"

"No, I'm suggesting that perhaps this isn't a good idea—"

"Just come on."

"But she has not yet received the proper gratitude for allowing us to do this—"

"Dude, she doesn't even know that we're doing this! She's busy healing that one dude. Like Mituna's danscendant or dancestor or whatever it's called.

"Who, the blind kid?"

"Yes."

"His name is Sollux, for your information. Do you not realize that by not knowing his name, you could possibly—"

"No. Just, no. I will not listen to anything about triggers or trigger warnings or whatever. You are not going to start this up or I will leave your sorry ass and go into that universe anyway."

"But…I just…"

"No. That's it. I'm going."

"Cronus, wait! You don't even know where we need to go!"

"Neither do you!"


	19. Chapter 19

"Casey, answer the question." John's voice is raspy and deeper than usual from his vocal cords changing because of the transformations. Casey is absolutely terrified. "Answer the damn question!"

Casey whimpers backs farther into the wall than physics will allow. She bursts into tears at the troll's anger. How does he know her name? Why did he say he lives here? "Why are you here," she cries. "Did you do this just to torture me?!" Of course. It all makes sense. The troll clan was probably pissed that she got away, so they tracked her down. It's a good thing she called the Midnight Crew.

"Casey, I live here!" the troll doesn't keep the anger out of its voice. It wants Casey to know it's mad. It gets up and makes its way over to her. She becomes paralyzed with fear when it grabs her by her shoulders. And being this close, when it speaks again she can see just how sharp its teeth are.

Very. Absolutely perfect for tearing the raw flesh off her bones.

"I am John," it says, but now with a raised voice. Being this close, it half whispers, half speaks angrily and she's terrified. Then, as if a sudden realization had passed over it, it lets go of her and runs into the bathroom.  


* * *

  
What was he thinking, yelling at Casey like that? it isn't like she knows it's him or anything, even though he just freaking told her. He'd fled to the bathroom for two reasons: he'd just realized that he's still completely naked and exposed for his own daughter to see, and he now feels stupid for not realizing his voice may have … okay, definitely changed along with his appearance.

First, John needs to cover up. Then he can feel regret. He grabs the towel he had set out and wraps it around his waist. He then walks back over to the door, shuts it, and slides down to sit of the floor, where he waits for something to happen. Hopefully something that isn't Jack fucking Noire.  


* * *

  
"I still don't see why I have to come here." Cronus has been complaining ever since he and Kankri had stepped through the portal—about five minutes, and it's driving the red-blooded dancestor insane. But since he doesn't want to hurt the human wannabe's feelings, he just listens and responds.

"You wanted to observe the species more," he tells Cronus. "But more importantly, why am I here?"

Really? Did he seriously just ask that? "Uh, you are here because you felt something is wrong. You suggested that we come here in the first place." Cronus walks around the house and studies every detail. The detail is what he's been complaining about. Kankri, on the other hand, couldn't care less about any details that may or may not be related to the house. He just wants to get to Karkat to solve any problems.

The house, they see, belongs to that doggy human and the rather "jolly" adventurous human. It also appears that the troll who is being cured by Aranea also lives here. By the looks of the pictures and the way the home is decorated, Cronus deduces that the kids used to live out in the jungle somewhere. Yes, he's that intelligent. Kankri, wanting to get a move on, decides that Mituna's dancestor will probably be back any minute now. So he decides to leave Cronus, who, upon realizing his only friend is leaving, chases after and catches up. When they leave the house, Kankri pulls out his own version of a phone and begins a new trolllog, hoping to reach Karkat.  


\-- triggerTracker `[tt]` began trolling carcinoGenesis` [CG]` at 14:30 --

  


tt: Where are y9u?  
tt: Hell9?  
tt: Karkat? I'm attempting t9 have a c9nversati9n with y9u.  
tt: I'm h9rri6ly afraid that if y9u d9n't resp9nd, it will trigger me and I will have t9 raise my typing v9ice, which is s9mething that I wish n9t t9 d9.  
tt: Seri9usly, I can g9 9n all day. All I wish is t9 speak with y9u. That's all.  
Tt: I want t9 help and if y9u w9n't accept it I'll have t9 give it t9 y9u by f9rce. That is s9mething which y9u kn9w I am m9st certainly capa6le 9f, and th9ugh it may n9t seem like it, I really d9 n9t like t9. Believe it 9r n9t, I d9 know a69ut my little nickname 6ack in the dream 6u66les and realize that I can s9metimes g9 9n f9rever and ever, and I am c9mpletely prepared t9 d9 such right n9w.  
tt: Are y9u actually just g9ing t9 sit there and read all this 9r are y9u g9ing t9 tell me y9u l9cati9n s9 that I may 6e a6le t9 talk things 9ut. 6ecause I had a feeling that y9u may 6e in tr9u6le s9meh9w and I want t9 help. That's all. S9 if y9u c9uld give me y9ur current l9cati9n, even just a general l9cati9n, that w9uld be extremely helpful t9 69th y9u and me.  
tt: Please. I'm just trying t9 help.  
tt: Really, just trying t9 help 9ut here.  
tt: Y9u kn9w, I'm used t9 y9u 6eing silent ar9und me, 6ut y9u are currently n9t ar9und me, s9 please, feel free t9 type a reply.  
tt: Any day n9w w9uld 6e nice.  
tt: Seri9usly, I'm starting t9 bec9me triggered. D9 y9u really want that?

  


\-- lonelyLoverboy `[LL]` began trolling triggerTracker `[tt]` at 14:35 --

  


LL: vwhoa, hold on just a second and let the vwiggler digest what youre saying. you aren't evwen giwving him room to type. 

tt: Cr9nus, stay 9ut 9f this please. This is strictly 6etween Karkat and me, and I w9uld like t9 keep it that way. 

LL: like i said, at least givwe him room to type. the poor guy is probably speechless anyhowv by all the stuff youwve sent him already in fivwe minutes. in the mean time, lets just put avway our portable communication devwices and pay attention to vwhere vwere going. 

tt: 9kay, 6ut I'll 6e checking mine every s9 9ften to see if Karkat has resp9nded. 

LL: believe me, he vwont.  


\-- lonelyLoverboy `[LL]` ceased trolling triggerTracker `[tt] `\--

  
Why Cronus just didn't speak up to Kankri instead of trolling him, no one knows. Perhaps he just wanted a chat buddy for a few minutes, or perhaps he just knew that Kankri would, for once, not listen to him and just keep typing away to Karkat, who he himself knows is allergic to Kankri. It's really not that obvious, yet somehow, Kankri still believes he's just silently paying attention and taking mental notes.

As the two dancestors cross a yard a couple blocks away, they suddenly hear a gunshot, and Cronus cries out in pain. Kankri looks down to where Cronus is holding his leg and sees purple blood oozing from between his fingers. He immediately knows something's wrong. He looks up in the general direction of the shot's origin and sees a woman standing in her doorway with a shotgun held up to her shoulder. She cocks it once and fires again, hitting Kankri in his right shoulder.

How is this possible? How can ghosts be harmed by human weapons?! This is really triggering Kankri and he's about to take action. Using Cronus as a troll shield, he marches up to the lady, who is reloading her shotgun, and grabs it out of her hands. He then proceeds to yell her head off, losing his temper enough to shout several profanities and vulgarities in the process. Cronus only watches as his only buddy yells … and yells … and yells … and yells, for about a half hour.  


* * *

  
Now, back around the time of the CronKri shooting, the actual shooting itself and not the wordy aftermath, Diamonds Droog and the rest of the Midnight Crew, and some of the Felt members who stayed with Spades after the game, and of course, Ms. Paint, arrive at the Egbert/Crocker household. Spades unlocks the safe basement door to allow Diamonds and Hearts to go in and speak with the troll some more. After they don't get an answer, they call Clubs Deuce down to take it and put it in their van to take it back to their base, mainly to kill it or hold it for ransom, perhaps a bargain to never again come near this town or any other. Casey runs upstairs quickly after Hearts and Diamonds walk down the stairs and cowers in her room, crying. She had a near death experience with a troll that claimed to be John. What, was it trying to gain her trust or something? Does she seriously look like she was born yesterday? No, she doesn't and she wasn't.

After about five minutes she hears grunting and a lamp break. She goes out of her room and stakes out at the top of the stairs, remaining mostly hidden and watches as the troll tries its best to break free from Diamonds' grip. It succeeds, but is quickly caught by Hearts and held until it is completely bound by things like handcuffs and ropes to keep it from getting away again. After they carry it outside, she watches as the royal-blooded troll is mercilessly tossed into the back of the Midnight Crew's main van like a ragdoll. The three carapacians hop in the van and drive off, leaving Spades to handle Casey yet again.

When Spades enters, he is attacked by Casey and brought unwillingly into a massive bear hug from the girl, only showing her gratitude for saving her life. He decides against stabbing her to get her off and saves his blade for later on when he's with the troll. Alone. She asks him what she owes and he says that since she's just a little girl, he'll call back later and have her daddy pay for it. She won't have to lift a finger for it. He also realizes that this is the most kindness he's ever shown to anyone ever. After they exchange goodbyes, he hops in his automated vehicular device and drives off, following the van back to their headquarters two states away.  


* * *

  
"Dude, there's another one of those Dersite-looking people driving past us," Dave says as a van drives past them in the other lane. The kids figure that since it's Dave, he's probably just seeing things. That is, until he sees Jack yet again. But this time, it isn't just him that sees, it's everyone. They all watch as Jack drives by them, and apparently he notices them as well because he looks over and stares at them just as they do. His gaze only breaks when he realizes he's drifting into the oncoming lane.

After that weird little encounter, Rose decides it's probably best to floor it and get back to John's house as quickly as humanly possible, which isn't very fast because they get stuck behind an idiot driving and can't pass because the oncoming lane has too much traffic. They make it back after about ten more minutes driving behind the idiot. When they get inside, Dave immediately goes to the basement door, which for some reason Hearts shut it, and begins pressing random buttons to hear their sounds. He determines that the code is 5-3-1, and punches it in. It works and the door opens. After a few minutes, everyone hears, "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!" from the basement. When Kanaya rushes over to the steps to holler to Dave, he nearly smashes into her as he runs up the stairs. "Guys," he says, "we've got a problem."

"Yeah, we kind of figured by the way you sounded," Kanaya asks. "Now, what exactly is it?"

"John isn't there." Upon hearing this, everyone turns their attention to Casey, or would have if it wasn't for the fact that she had gone back to her room.

"Something tells me this has something to do with her," Jake says.


	20. Chapter 20

After a half hour of constant yelling and flames burning in his eyes, Cronus has finally managed to calm Kankri down enough to get them to work together, despite their injuries, and keep the woman from attacking. A few minutes later, the royal-blood is bandaging the other's shoulder. They totally didn't tie up the woman and toss her in the basement—okay, yes they did, but who cares. She shot them, and as far as they're concerned, she deserves whatever she gets, unless it's good. Then they have a problem with it.

Kankri is rather surprised at his companion's medical knowledge. Either that, or the fact that he can read the instructions on the Neosporin box. But that isn't what got him the most. What surprises him most is Cronus' knowledge on how to safely remove a bullet with minimal pain. After he helps him walk to the bathroom with his good arm, Cronus has him check the medicine cabinet for phenol and tweezers. Kankri finds both conveniently located on the bottom shelf and hands them to Cronus, who tells him to sit down and look away. He does, not expecting what happens next.

He suddenly feels a sharp pain in his shoulder, followed by intense burning, then complete numbness. Seconds later he feels something poking and prodding around inside his wound. It feels weird, but it doesn't hurt because of the phenol. A few minutes later, he hears something hit the floor and looks down to see a bullet covered in red blood. After that he watches Cronus dig the other bullet out of his leg and drop it on the floor next to the other one. Cronus then bandages Kankri's arm and his own leg, all with minimal pain.

This is a complete surprise, to say the least.

"You know, you could've possibly helped Rufioh not have to be stuck in a horse's body," he tells Cronus.

"I tried. His spinal cord was severed near the base of his neck. There was nothing that could've been done about it."

"Oh." What? Wait, if he knows all this medical stuff, why does no one like him again? Oh yeah…self esteem issues. Way too many self esteem issues. Issues that make him fell like a human in a troll's body like, five minutes after he even heard about the species.

But none of that matters because now Kankri actually has a reason to like his troubled friend, much to his own dismay. It's bad enough he willingly listens to the constant complaining and self-pity. Now he gets to enjoy it—or at least he feels obliged to. That, however, is something that can't be faked.

Wow, all this thinking has made him miss the next thing that Cronus asks him to do. "Hello?" Cronus waves his hand in front of Kankri's face, grabbing his attention.

"Oh, what?"

"I told you to go look around for something I could use as a hold-me-up stick."

"Oh." He gets up and walks around the house, but finds nothing that could be used as a hold-me-up stick, or what we humans call a crutch, but they don't know that because they're trolls. When he finally comes across the bedroom, the door is locked. He uses his claw to dig into the lock on the doorknob and carefully picks at the lock until he hears a small click. He grins slightly as he slowly opens up the door. When he looks into the room, he sees a man who appears to be in his sixties or seventies with a terrified look on his face. Kankri just stares, confused—confused at why this man would be afraid. Yes, he is kind of intruding, but he's a Beforan troll. Why would anybody be scared of him? Beforan trolls are the kindest. Aside from Meenah, perhaps.

The man just stares at Kankri. He looks like he had recently obtained some sort of injury and couldn't move around at the moment, so the troll takes advantage of this and looks around the bedroom for some sort of hold-me-up stick, but instead finds a wheeled chair. Assuming it's close enough to a hold-me-up stick, Kankri takes the wheeled chair from the room, folded, of course, and takes it back to Cronus. He unfolds it and helps the royal blooded troll in. after he's completely settled, Kankri pushes him out the door and the two continue their search for the crabby dancestor.

A little ways down the sidewalk, the streets being nearly empty, save a few cars with frightened people in them, Cronus decides to spark up a conversation, asking Kankri a rather awkward question. "So, uh, does this mean that we're like, moirails now?"

Kankri slightly jumps at this question. "What?"

"I bandaged your arm and you're helping me move around. Does this mean that we can be moirails?" Cronus looks up at Kankri with sad puppy dog eyes.

"Cronus, I already told you I'm celibate." Kankri hesitates with his remark out of nervousness.

"Wait, what?"

"Quadrants, Cronus. You're asking me to be in a quadrant with you—something that I cannot do out of celibacy."

"So you mean to tell me that you're so celibate that you can't even have a bff?"

"Yes…I mean…I don't know what I mean!"

"Kankri, moirails are called best friends in human talk," Cronus pleads.

"That's because humans don't know romance."

"It's not like we'll do anything to break your vow of celibacy, just things that best friends do."

"Enough, Cronus. I told you I cannot be in any quadrants. It's final, this conversation is over." They spend the next while moving in silence.  


* * *

  
Back at the Egbert/Crocker household, everyone except for Jane packs up some snacks and drinks and pillows and blankets. They are all preparing for a potentially long car ride. Why? The answer is simple: they are going to catch up to the midnight crew and trollnap (?) John back.

"Jake," Jane calls as everyone heads out the door.

"Yeah?"

"Can you come here real quick?"

"It is quite possible, but I don't want to hold everyone up from finding John."

"Don't worry, you won't be going." What?

"What?"

"You heard me. Get in here. I want you to help me with something. Everyone else can take off."

"But I've already got my stuff in the van!"

"Not my problem. Now get in here." Jake begrudgingly obliges and walks back in the house. Dirk carries his blanket and pillow in for him. Before he heads back out the door, the two exchange a kiss and Dirk whispers into the other's ear, "If anything happens between you and Jane, it's over for good."

"Don't worry, Strider. Nothing will happen," Jake says back as the blonde leaves.

"To be sure, I will probably pester you every hour or so!" Well, shit. There goes Jake's good night's sleep…before night even begins. He and Jane wave to everyone as Rose drives off. After the rest are safely out of sight, Jane pulls Jake in and begins speaking, rather annoyed.

"Okay, here's what you're going to help me with," she says, "You are going to keep me back from Casey—just as soon as we get her out of her room."

"What—why?"

"Because I want her to suffer for what she did to John!"

"Jane, are you feeling okay?"

"And if I have to use one of your pistols to put a bullet in her head to prove it, then so be it!" Jane's face reflects the anger and hatred of a thousand devils, or at least that's how Jake would probably describe it, if he could even talk. Right now he's completely silent from shock.

"So this is why you wanted me to stay—so you could use my gun as a murder weapon so you don't get in trouble!" Just then he gets a text from Roxy.

dirk wants to know why you arent responding to his pesterlogs.

Okay, this is rather unexpected. But he replies anyway.

Number one, i didn't hear my phone beep or vibrate. Number two, it's only been two minutes. Does he really miss me that much already?

no he just wants to know if you and janey are having the sloppy makeouts yet

We aren't. And i have completely determined that jane is a psychotic bitch.

youre just now realizing this? its only taken like, several years

Just do me a favor and tell rose to come back real quick.

why

Because either she needs to pick me up or hold my guns hostage. Jane wants to shoot casey in the head.

just give her time. shell come around

How long?

about three days perhaps. give or take a decade or two. now you better pester dirk back before he flips and your little somethin somethins over.

You mean to tell me that you haven't told him that I'm perfectly fine yet? What the bloody hell have you been doing?

"Jake, stop playing with your phone and help me get Casey out of her room so we can tor—discipline her!" Jake drops his phone when Jane snaps at him. It lands and hits the hard tile floor, shattering the screen. His jaw drops to the floor when he sees the damage dealt to the poor device, and quite possibly his and Dirk's recuperating relationship.

"Jane, you wouldn't happen to have any computers with you, would you," he calls.

"Only a couple laptops, which are in Casey's room. And don't think that you can just go home and sit on your little computer all day. You are staying and helping!"

Well, fuck. A year and a half of building a relationship back up with Dirk just goes down the crapper like that.  


* * *

  
_Tick…_

Time seems to run by slowly as cold water runs down his thick gray skin, into the tub, and eventually into the drain.

_Tock…_

The small watch on the vanity ticks and tocks loudly over the shower and the silence. It creates a tension in the air thick enough to be eaten, perhaps enough to drown in. If only that were the case.

Karkat can barely remember John's dorky face, or even his voice, his personality, even his eye color is nothing but a blur in his depressed mind. And it's only been barely a full day since the forced split. He's only been in the shower for about a half hour, but the water became unbearably cold within five minutes; he's long past used to the freezing sensation. The bathroom door is shut and locked, and he sits in complete darkness, listening to the sound of the water and watch. And he tries his best to keep from drowning in his own sorrow.

If only he knows what's in store for him in a few hours…


	21. A Troll is Saved From Himself

Exactly one unspecified unit of time later…

A couple is bickering. No, more like fighting, arguing, using words that…well…are too graphic for public eye to read. Though, judging by other fanfictions, I didn't know it was possible…

Just for the hell of it, I will let you name this couple. Have at it.

Enter Name: HARNRY RAVENKLAUS

Enter Name: THEODORE BEAR

**Really?! What. The. Fuck!? Did you just pull those names out of your ass or what?! So what, did you decide that since they aren't our typical characters, they don't deserve names as bad as the ones you gave them?! TRY AGAIN, MORON!**

Enter name: POOPSMELL RUINSEVERYTHING

Enter Name: WHOREFACE ASSWIPE

**That's. Fucking. Better.**  
As previously mentioned, Poopsmell Ruinseverything and Whoreface Asswipe, are currently arguing using language too graphic for public eyes to read.

"Don't $ %$% ^#%^&% tell me I can't $$%^ $ help my #$#$ self, Karkat," Poopsmell shouts. See, even AO3 doesn't even recognize these words.

"#$^#$ #^$#% $#%!#$%$#, JOHN, I TOLD YOU THAT WE DON'T NEED TO ##$%$## SOCIALIZE WITH THEM," Whoreface shouts as a reply.

"Why not?!"

"BECAUSE ONE: WE ALREADY AGREED THAT WE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING REGARDING THEM EVER AGAIN! TWO: AS YOUR MATESPRIT, I FORBID YOU TO!"

"I am insulted that you would ever dare say something like that! Just because we're matesprits doesn't mean that either of us has the right to forbid the other from doing anything!" Poopsmell, a.k.a John's Godhead, knocks a rather expensive looking lamp off an end table in the living room, hoping to hit his matesprit with it, but fails to. They've been arguing like this for almost twenty-six hours nonstop. The Mansion of Breath is trashed almost completely. It will take days for even the Bitch Witch, as the mortals have come to call Jade's Godhead, to clean it. And she has the power of a first guardian.

"YOU CAN'T BE INSULTED BY THIS WHEN YOU'RE BREAKING YOUR OWN LAW! AS I RECALL, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT SAID ABSOLUTELY NO MORE FUCKING INTERACTION!"

"That was before my mortal self decided to become a #$ #$%#%$# weretroll!"

"A WHAT?!" Whoreface, a.k.a. Karkat's Godhead, has no idea what this even is, and if it weren't for continual mentioning of helping mortal John, he would have completely forgotten what this argument is about. First, the Heir says that he needs the Knight's help to help his mortal self. Now, his mortal self is a…weretroll? What the fuck?

All of mortal John and Karkat's random petty arguments combined is but a singularity compared to this fight between the godheads.

* * *

  


* * *

**Meanwhile, back on the planet somewhere …**

Getting into more detail about the city: for about twenty-six hours, it has been pounded by a severe storm. Fortunately, all of the kids' houses are out in the country, so they aren't being affected, but in the actual city itself, no. Dad and his employees have been trapped inside bakery. No one can go outside for fear of being swept away by the wind or pierced to death by rain, which looks suspiciously red. To make matters worse, power is out in the entire city. Over seven hundred thousand people are in the dark. And everyone that wasn't involved in the fight at school is trapped somewhere inside the school, where water threatens to flood, being so close to the lake.

But we aren't concerned about any of that. Not yet, anyway.

After finally getting away from a horrible wreck that blocked the road, Rose and the rest of the clan, aside from Jake and Jane, head off again in search for the Midnight Crew and especially John. Dirk has been trying for several hours to get a hold of Jake, who seems to be ignoring him again, just like in Sburb. "I knew getting back into this relationship was a bad idea," he says, frustrated as he puts his phone away. Roxy, just being Roxy, decides that now is a good time to tell him that Jake has discovered that Jane is a "psychotic bitch," as he put it.

"Well, he seems to go for that type," Dirk replies, "I don't really see the difference between a psychotic bitch and a cerulean girl."

"Oh, Dirk," Jade says, turning around to face him, "he's probably preoccupied with Casey."

"No, he isn't Jade. Before we all met, we were in a relationship and he ignored me for like, half a fucking year. I don't think he's preoccupied with anything."

"Dirk, you're just being paranoid. After all, he seemed pretty desperate to get you back. I don't see why he would just start ignoring you again. Grow up, and accept the fact that maybe he just can't get to his phone right now. The battery might be dead, or Jane might have it hidden. In case you haven't noticed, when she's determined to punish someone and needs help, she doesn't letting any distractions through." Then, to herself, Jade continues, "I wonder if she was like that pre-scratch."

A few minutes of group discussion later and Rose's psychological talents seem to have Dirk calmed down and thinking rational, or somewhat rational at the very least, thoughts. And what they all fail to notice as they drive through a small town appears to be a small grey car reminiscent to the one Karkat had, sitting in the parking lot of an abandoned motel along with a few others.  


* * *

  
Seconds after the van containing the kids and two trolls passes the motel, Kankri and Cronus appear from the semi-thick bush to the side of the parking lot. They had quickly learned that this human-like species seems to detest trolls a couple hours after they left the house. The two dancestors notice that this old building must have been a place of resting at one point in time, and decide to check it out for a place to rest themselves. But what sparks Kankri's interest, is that when they're about to enter a room, he notices a gray car with a rather odd license plate: CRBDD 1, or sounded out, Crabdad One. "Uh, Cronus, I think we should go to this room over here," he says, pulling the temporarily crippled troll over to a door a couple tens of feet down the building.

"Why this one," Cronus asks.

"I just have a hunch that we should try this one." Kankri stops rolling Cronus and goes up to the door. It is mysteriously unlocked, so he turns the doorknob and pushes the door open. The sudden rush of musty air makes him cringe his nose as it blows past his face. He almost coughs.

"Judging by your expression, I don't think this place is safe," Cronus speaks up. "Perhaps we should just keep on moving."

"No, he's here."

"Who?"

"Karkat!" Kankri rolls his eyes at Cronus' stupidity and pushes him in, much to his dismay. After they both get in Kankri closes the door. The musty odor only gets worse the farther in the small room they go.

Both trolls notice what appears to be a "mattress," something that the humans or whatever species inhabits this planet uses as a recuperacoon, on the floor with a couple thin blankets, plus a rather large, thick one like a "sleeping bag." They also notice where it appears that the dust has been disturbed by something. They assume that something to be Karkat. Kankri leaves Cronus alone in the wheeled chair to explore the small room. By the old dresser across from the mattress, he notices that something had rubbed away some of the top of it. He gets closer and sees that each spot is about the width of his arms. Someone was here not too long ago.

Just then Cronus points out a quite sound coming from another room that must be attached to this one. When Kankri turns to go over to the door to see what it is, he steps on something on the floor. "What the heck?" he turns back around and looks down on the floor. Did I just step on a bug or something?"

"I don't know," Cronus replies as he eyes whatever is on the floor. "But I ain't picking it up. That floor is way too dirty."

"Cronus, you're a baby," Kankri says as he bends down to get a closer look. After taking a few seconds to take in the strange object, he carefully picks it up with his index finger and thumb. "It's a ring," he says, holding it up.

"Let me see it," Cronus says and is handed the ring. He inspects it as thoroughly as possible in the dim light. "It appears to be what these people call a "ruby" ring. That means it's worth quite a bit." He looks up at Kankri, who nods and motions for him to go back on. He looks back down at it. After turning it a few times, he sees something that he's never seen before. "There appears to be writing on the inside." He tries to rub it, but it doesn't come off. "It seems to be engraved into it. Hehe, who ever heard of an engraved ring."

"Just read it!"

"Fine, hold your hoofbeasts. 'No matter what we're put through, we'll still be together. Our love is eternal.' Do you think this could be that blue boy that we suspected Karkat of liking?"

"It's quite possible. I knew from the start that Karkat didn't deserve him. I knew he would go do something like this—abandon my dancestor. I swear, when I find this John, I'll kill him, but not before I give him a rather extensive lecture as to why what he did is wrong."

"Uh, Kankri," Cronus says, pinching the bridge between his eyes, " No one deserves that. Just kill him and get it done and over with. Spare him the misery of one of your lectures."

"I don't have to."

"Please, just drop the subject." Then he remembers the slight sound. "Weren't you about to investigate that sound?"

"What sound…oh, yeah. I forgot." Kankri gets up and walks over to the door at the end of the room. He puts his ear up against it. "It sounds like water." Slowly and nervously, as if hesitating, he turns the knob. He hears a slight click, which tells him the door is unlocked and ready to be opened. He breathes in a deep breath and slowly exhales. He slowly pushes the door open to reveal a pitch-black room. The faint light from outside this other room slightly illuminates the contents of this one: a toilet, a sink, a mysterious fabric-looking wall with the sound of running water loud and on the other side. Watching carefully, he notices the fabric-looking wall move slightly. He assumes that Karkat is probably on the other side and isn't even aware of his presence. He slowly walks up to the fabric-like wall and touches it. Oh, it's a curtain. He grabs a hold of the end and pulls it back, revealing an ablution trap with something crouched up inside it. Water sprays out of a weird thing in the wall and lands on and around the figure in the ablution trap. Kankri bends down to get a hopefully better look at the figures face. He sees it to be none other than Karkat. Without words he reaches over and shuts the water off and reaches one of his arms around Karkat. The young live troll is shivering violently and doesn't seem to care about the presence touching him. Kankri wordlessly helps his dancestor up out of the ablution trap and escorts him back to the mattress, laying him down and covering him up with the blankets. Yes, believe it or not, not everything Kankri does involves talking or trigger warnings.


	22. Chapter 22

"Who did this to you? Was it that John human?" Kankri's voice is angry, yet worried simultaneously. "Really, Karkat, as your dancestor I want nothing more than to bond with you and help you in times of need, and this really looks like a time of need. Please, just give me an answer."

"Kankri—"

"Really, I need to know. It's the only way to help."

"Kankri—"

"Karkat, I know that you are most likely depressed. I am here to help lift that."

"Kan—"

"Just one little nod will do. Is it that John human? I know you may not want to hurt him, but he hurt you and I want to—"

"Kankri! Vwill you just shut up one minute and let the boy rest? Can't you see that he can barely keep his eyes open?!" Even Cronus is irritated now. "He can't help you help him if he's dead tired and suffering from vwhat these creatures call 'hypothermia.'"

"Cronus, he needs our help," Kankri pleads.

"And he'll get it after vwe let him rest and make sure he's okay." Cronus' tone is soft now. "Besides, if he doesn't vwant our help, he vwon't tell us anything." He looks over at the now unconscious Karkat. "He doesn't look too wvell." A thought crosses his mind. "Kankri, did you notice that Karkat nevwer seemed to mind us being here?"

"He's always been that way. He's a rather good listener; one of my best students."

"No, that's not wvhat I mean. The last time I sawv him he flipped me off and locked himself in his little dream hiwve. Nowv, it's like he doesn't evwen care.

"He's probably just too weak to show his excitement that we're here to help."

"Kankri, you annoy the shit out of him evwery time he sees you. Believwe me, he vwould probably rather be culled by that other vwersion of Meenah, wvhatevwer she called herself."

"Her Imperious Condescension. Cronus, you should really consider, no, start learning people's names in order to avoid triggering anyone as some people tend to be triggered by being addressed properly. I know of at least three trolls in our session of the game and at least one in our dancestors' session that would take serious offense to not only being addressed by the wrong name, but not even being mentioned at all. It would really help your social skills if you would learn everyone's names because then you could interact with more people and perhaps make some new, actual friends. Perhaps you could even make a best friend."

"Okay, I'm going to stop you there before you put me to sleep. And that really hurt, Kankri. I considered you to be my best friend and you don't even acknowledge our own friendship. Way to not trigger people." Cronus sits back in his wheeled chair. True, Kankri's statement hurt, but not as bad as he's making it out to. He just wants Kankri to feel bad for not being considerate. "Now, if only there were something here I could use as a hold-me-up stick."

"What," Kankri asks, completely forgetting about that whole thing.

"It would cheer me up if you found one for me." He looks at Kankri with sad baby-woofbeast-eyes. Unfortunately, what he didn't know is that Kankri never did like woofbeasts. Not even the babies.

"Fine, but only because you are a little triggered." He looks around the room but to no avail. This species apparently has never heard of a hold-me-up stick. That, or the fact that there would most likely never be a random hold-me-up stick in an old, abandoned motel room, unless this was one of those fanfics that makes everything extremely convenient for the protagonists, but this isn't. This is more reality, aside from being Homestuck (but the characters don't know that…okay, Bequerius does, but he doesn't count because he's omniscient.) "Well, it looks like you're stuck with the chair."

Unfortunately, his statement had gone unheard as Cronus had fallen asleep while waiting for the red-blooded trigger warning-happy troll to search for a hold-me-up stick. Well, I guess it's back to asking Karkat a bunch of questions, Kankri thinks, and once again begins questioning the unconscious, hypothermia-suffering dancestor, though he's completely unconscious, possibly in a coma. Who knows at this point? I do, but I'm not telling.  


* * *

  
"Spades, we've been here for a half an hour. What are we waiting for?" Diamonds Droog is becoming extremely impatient.

"I already told you, Paint is taking the troll back another route. He seems all too familiar, and if he is who I think he is, his friends aren't far behind. So I'm having her take him a different way while we continue on, just in case they catch up. I could have sworn I saw that one with those stupid fucking iShades, or whatever he called them, back around the city.

"So, instead of just having her take him a different way from the start, we had to stop here and do a vehicular troll transfer?"

"Well, uh…"

"Chill. No one accused you of being intelligent. If you were you wouldn't have tried to break into English's safe back on that weird, green satellite."

"…I really hate you."

"Those feelings are mutual. Now, for my next question, I will have to ask why exactly we are all still here."

"We, uh, are having trouble opening the back of the van." Spades and Diamonds walk back to the rear of the vehicle to check on progress.

"Are you having trouble opening it or is this thing just a fucking psionic and keeping the doors shut?"

"There are no purple-bloods with psionic powers. That is strictly reserved for the ugly-barf-yellow bloods."

"And the Condesce."

"No, she is mind control. Not psionic."

"Same thing."

"No it isn't! Now help us get the van open."

"Fine." Diamonds reaches over and pulls on the handle. The doors open immediately. "Really, Spades? Difficulties with the doors? You just have to be smarter than the inanimate objects in which you're trying to manipulate. In this case, just pulling on the latch and opening the doors. It isn't that difficult."

Spades grumbles some swear words as he and Hearts Boxcars pull John out of the rear of the van. John has given most of his energy to attempting to escape, but what little energy remains he uses to shake his head around and use his horns to stab out Hearts's eyes. This appears to have little effect on the behemoth at first, but as soon as John is placed in Ms. Paint's white minivan, Hearts drops down to his knees and holds his face, putting pressure on his eye sockets in an attempt to ease the pain. The former Felt members watch in horror as the event happened, and a few barfed from disgust. "Diamonds," Spades calls, to which Diamonds begrudgingly responds, "Drive Hearts to the emergency room."

"Do I really have to?" Diamonds sounds as enthusiastic as a goth at a funeral.

"Yes, and stop acting like a 'teenager,' as these people call their irresponsible youth. I don't pay you to do nothing."

"You don't pay me at all."

"And I'm not about to if you keep this attitude up."

"Whatever." Diamonds leaves Spades alone to escort Hearts to the other van while the former felt members gather to Spades's to head back to base and he hops in the driver's seat of his own. Ms. Paint takes off alone with John while the others get their stuff together and head out as well. Diamonds takes Hearts back to the city, which is about an unspecified number of hours between one and ten away from their current position.

A few miles up the interstate, Ms. Paint takes a ramp off into another direction while the rest of the Midnight Crew, aside from Diamonds and Hearts, keep going straight. After merging onto the new interstate, she looks over into the passenger seat at John.

"You look awful," she says, true concern evident in her voice. John doesn't respond. "You know, it really wasn't my choice to join this gang. Really it was the only way to save my life." She waits for John to answer, but he doesn't. He just stares out the window and the passing scenery. You know, after that horrendous landing from being tossed into the other van, I'm surprised you're even awake. Is there anything you would like to talk about?"

No response.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to get going on with my story. As I had said, joining this gang was the only way to safe my life. I don't think I would've survived much longer in the center of a gigantic green star." This seems to grab John's attention as he momentarily looks over at the white carapacian in the driver's seat, but looks away just as quickly. His action didn't go unnoticed by her, however, because she starts back up again. "Does that sound like an interesting story?" she looks over, but he doesn't respond. "I'll take that as a yes.

"You see, back on the green satellite of Alternia, there was a city. Now, in this city there was a place called Felt Manor. This was home to the Felt, who are pretty much the green people, and a mysterious man named Doc Scratch. Well, when Mr. Hussie had to go there for some reason or another, I had to go with him, but I lost track of him and got lost somewhere in Doc Scratch's apartment. A few hours later, the entire universe seemed to rip itself apart, or so it seemed from the view outside the window, and after that, it looked like empty space just exploded everywhere at once and everything outside turned into green, swirly plasma. Had I not ducked when I did I would've had a face full of plasma and shattered glass, because the window shattered with the explosion and some of the plasma flew in. a few hours, or, I think it was hours…hell, I just lost complete sense of time altogether when I was surrounded by this stuff and I'm just assuming here, but a few hours later Spades showed up and talked to me, I explained what happened to Mr. Hussie, which is a different story, and he told me to follow him and we found the remaining Felt, except for English, but I assume he was off somewhere else destroying reality and being already here and whatnot, and then we went off somewhere and met these kids and there was one of English's servants, another, more evil-looking version of spades, another version that looked like a dog, another dog-looking version, except this one was white like me, and a bunch of kids and trolls dressed up in silly costumes. One, in particular, I think he was wearing a blue costume with a weird little swish or whatever on it, looked like you, except he wasn't a troll and everything." Okay, she definitely had John's attention now.

"What about that blue boy?"

"Oh, so you do talk," Ms. Paint says, half-surprised.

"Yes, now what about that blue boy? Are there any other similarities between him and me?" John is honestly dying to know because he hasn't seen himself now for an unspecified amount of hours between one and ten and he's wondering how much he's changed.

"Well, there's the hair, and the eyes, and the height, not including the horns, um, just the face altogether, and…oh my god," Ms. Paint suddenly recognizes John as she looks at him. "You're the blue boy, aren't you?"

"Yes, and it would be greatly appreciated if you would take me home." John looks back at her with pleading eyes, but she has different plans.

"I'm sorry, but you just aren't in the condition to go back home."

"What?" John can't believe what he's hearing.

"You're bruised too badly. You need care, to be nursed back to health. I'll take care of you and then take you back home, okay?"

"No, I want to go back home now. I have an adopted daughter I need to discipline."

"Well, I'm quite sure your friends can do that. Either that, or it can wait. Correct?"

"I would much rather do it." John has activated stubborn mode. Yes, what many people don't realize about him, even his closes friends, is that he has many different modes: happy mode for normal days, stubborn mode for times like this, bitch mode for times when he's frustrated, and his personal favorite—masochism mode, for when he's with Karkat. It makes him horny even thinking about that one. And that becomes completely evident when a thick, blue fluid begins seeping from between his legs. Yeah, he lost his towel.

"What the fuck? That better not be genetic material!" Ms. Paint can stand a lot of things, but staining her vehicle with genetic material isn't on that long list of things she can stand.

"I … uh … can't help it …" John is completely embarrassed, that is, until the thoughts of masochism mode return and, well, just like the SEXY TIMES WITH JOHN AND JOHN, he can't really hold it in anymore and a crap ton of genetic fluid bursts from his nook and bone bulge. This causes Ms. Paint to lose her concentration on the road and begin to swerve. She quickly pulls over to the shoulder to keep from getting in a wreck, but almost fails as she goes in too fast and runs the minivan into a ditch.  


* * *

  
"Jane, I really need to get home to message Dirk. He's probably worried sick that I'm cheating right now." Jake pleads with Jane to let him leave.

"Dirk can hold his damn horses. We have to figure out a way to get a certain girl out of a room to face a certain punishment." Janes tone is stern. She's frustrated and angry and pretty much Dirk's vision of a cerulean girl. Why he imagines them like that is beyond anyone's guess, probably for the irony, or just because he gets jealous easily. Probably the latter.

"Jane, he said he'll message me every hour to check up! It's been ######## hours now and I still have yet to message him back! Whether you like it or not, I'm leaving!" **Yeah, not so fast English. You aren't going to give out the number of hours that easily.**

"Not yet!" Jane runs in front of him and blocks the door. "You aren't going anywhere. I kept you back because you got us into this mess and you're going to help settle it! Now get your ass back upstairs and help me get the door open!"

"Jane, as much as I would love to help, I would much rather lose our friendship over mine and Dirk's relationship. You don't understand just how much we've been trying to make this all work out, and now you are trying to undo it all. Goodbye Jane. Whether or not you like it, I'm leaving and not coming back to help. This friendship isn't over yet, but if you keep up this attitude, it will be." Jane is completely stunned at Jakes sudden assertiveness. And he uses this as an easy way to push her aside to get to the door and open it up. He walks out calmly, but begins running as soon as he steps off the porch.

Minutes later when he arrives back at his house, Jake runs up to his room to get on his laptop to message Dirk back. However, he is completely unable to do so because Sollux had made it back home from being healed.

And there he stood.

The Gemini had been healed of everything: his vision, his psionic-ness(?), and his lisp. The downside was that when trying to find his way back to his room, he went into the wrong one, which just so happened to be Jake's, and tripped, causing his glasses to fall off, and the sudden jolt caused his psionic powers to act up and trash the room, destroying the computer in the process.

Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem, had the Captor/English/Harley household had more than just the one laptop, but this is a new universe with new lives for everybody. Unfortunately this means that Grandma Jade had forgotten about her previous business making technology that went against the Batterwitch, meaning she forgot how filthy freakin' rich they all were, and they only had enough money for the one computer. Now that Sollux had managed to slip up and destroy it, Jake is starting to wish he hadn't left his pistols in the minivan with the rest of everyone so that he could shoot himself in the head right now and get it done and over with. He could also do this with all the other guns, but they're all locked away.

At this point in time, only one word is flowing through his mind: _Fuck._


	23. A Relationship Potentially Ruined, and Another Potentially Begun

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Of all the times that this could've possible happened, it has to be now. Dirk can be an understanding person, right? Right?

"Oh fuck no," Dirk says as he attempts to contact Jake for the … the … hell, he lost track of how many times he's tried. "When we get back, I'm going up to him and beating the shit out of him. Then I'm just going to declare it over and forget about all of this."

"Dirk, you're overreacting." Kanaya tries to calm him down. "When we were on the meteor, Rose was like Roxy—always completely drunk. I put up with it and we came out just fine."

"Yeah, but at least she responded to you."

"She couldn't even correctly spell her ellipses! That's just as bad!" Kanaya reaches back and attempts to smack Dirk, but he dodges with plenty of room between his face and her hand.

"I would like to hear Rose's opinion on all of this," Dirk says, clearly annoyed at the world. Kanaya takes an earbud out of Rose's ear.

"Huh, what," Rose asks.

"Rose, what would be your synopsis on this whole ordeal with Dirk," Kanaya asks, showing her formality for the first time in several months.

"I agree with you one hundred percent, Kanaya."

"Oh my fucking god," Dirk yells from the back seat, "You don't even know what this whole thing is about and you just automatically agree with the troll! It makes absolute perfect sense! Leave it up to the flighty broads to ban together against everyone!" Dirk has just crossed the line, and Roxy takes justice into her own hands. Sitting right next to Dirk on the floor, she stands up briefly to reach his face. He tries to duck away and cover his face, but is unsuccessful. Rosy reaches over and slaps the shit out of his right cheek, leaving a large, red mark on his face in the shape of her hand. The slap caused his anime shades to fall off onto the floor, and the somewhat elder Lalonde picks them up faster than Dirk can reach them, snaps them in half, and tosses them out the window, leaving the orange-eyed boy exposed, and looking rather naked without them. He immediately turns his face away from everyone else and shuts his eyes.

"Say anything like that again, and it will be your head flying out the window," she spit out at Dirk, her words filled with the venom of a black widow. "Now grow the fuck up and consider the fact that Jane can be a major control freak at times and Jake might not be able to answer right now for completely understandable reasons!"

"Like the fact that he's cheating," Dirk says under his breath, to which Roxy slaps him again and replies, "I heard that, now shut up!" After she deals her justice she sits back down on the floor. And attempts to resume the polite conversation that everyone was having before Dirk opened his mouth.

"And Sollux wanted me to be named 'Insufferable Prick' … " Dave says, causing a few giggles from the rest of the group, save for Rose because she's back to listening to her music, and Dirk for the obvious reason.

Needless to say, Roxy feels no regrets.

At this point, the question may arise from you, the reader, as to why they aren't taking the interstate to the Midnight Crew's base and following them that way. The answer is simple, as explained by Rose in a scene we had not witnessed. They are going the back roads where there are no cops, no traffic, no anything to slow them down, just open road. They also want to surprise them, as the back roads are actually a faster way of getting around. This new human species has yet to improve its interstate system.

  


Okay, so perhaps Dirk can be rather intolerant of some things. "Uh, Sollux," Jake says, his voice making it evident that he's on the psychological breaking point, "what happened?"

"I, uh, had a few difficulties adjusting to my new vision." And there it goes. The last bit of compulsion existing in Jake has ceased, and he begins to smile. It is a smile that means nothing. It's empty, and he sits down on the floor and asks if Sollux can retrieve him a gun. "Uh, why," the psionic incarnate asks.

"I left mine with everyone else," Jake replies with that empty smile, turning into something psychotic.

"Okay … " Sollux trails off as he goes and gets Jake a pistol out of Grandpa's gun safe. Honestly, he's a little creeped out by Jake's attitude, and that weird look—that looks like a face a sober Gamzee would make. He uses his psionic powers to easily unlock the safe and gets a gun and takes it back to Jake. He hands it to the green-eyed boy.

Jake sets the barrel of the revolver in his lap as he opens the cylinder to make sure it's loaded. It is. It's completely loaded. With that smile on his face, he looks like a complete psychopath as he brings the gun up to his right temple. Winking at Sollux, he pulls the trigger. Blood sprays out of his other temple as the bullet moves right through his brain and exits the other side of his head, hitting the wall and falling to the floor. His entire body settles on the floor in a pool of blood from his head. It wears that same psychopathic smile it had when he pulled the trigger. Sollux just stares in horror at the scene before him. This is definitely not the ideal thing to witness when you first get your sight back.

"No, I will not let you do that," Sollux says as Jake sits down on the floor.

"Do what, Sollux?" Jake sounds completely innocent in his question.

"Dude, I can read your mind. I'm not letting you kill yourself. If I hadn't just got my vision back it might be different, but right now, no." Sollux tries his best to convince Jake to not go through with it. Jake still tries his best to convince Sollux to let him do it. "No, I won't allow it," Sollux replies every time. "Seriously, what's your problem all of a sudden?"

"Oh, you know, just your average, ordinary, every day complete psychological meltdown," Jake replies with that empty smile on his face.

"You need help. I'm calling Rose." Sollux drags Jake downstairs to the living room where he picks up the phone, but he has no idea what Rose's number is because he has never actually seen the buttons before. "Uh, what's her number, exactly?"

"I have no idea." Yeah, Jake really needs some help.

"Why couldn't they just make these things with voice recognition software," Sollux asks to no one in particular. He then closes his eyes and presses the numbers in their correct combination, which he memorized from being blind. The phone rings … and rings … and rings … and rings until Rose finally picks up.

"Hello," Rose asks on the other end.

"Uh, you need to talk to Jake. He's trying to get me to let him commit suicide," Sollux says on the other end. This grabs Rose's complete attention, and Kanaya has to grab the wheel to keep them from going off into the ditch.

"Rose, what are you doing," she asks, panicked at Rose's sudden inability to pay attention to the road.

"Sollux, put him on the phone right now," she says, which grabs everyone's attention, save Dirk for the obvious reason.

Sollux hands the phone over to Jake, who doesn't accept it. "I don't need any help, Sollux. I need a gun."

Rose, upon hearing this, panics a little. "Jacob English, you take the phone right now and start talking!" This grabs Dirks attention. Hearing her yell on the other end, Sollux uses his psionic abilities to force Jake into picking up the phone, much to his own displeasure. His big secret is that he doesn't actually like to control anybody like he says he does.

"Jake, listen to me," Rose says, putting the minivan into cruise control. "I need you to clear your mind of these suicidal thoughts and tell me what's wrong."

"Tell him to go finish himself off somewhere where he won't be found," Dirk shouts from directly behind Rose, knowing that Jake can hear him. "Tell him that if he's just going to start up this ignoring his boyfriend shit again than it's over for good! Tell him to go back running to his damn cerulean girls!"

"Oh, that's. Fucking. It!" Roxy stands up as best as she can and punches Dirk repeatedly. He makes some attempt at retaliation, but fails as Roxy is too fast to get any hits. After about thirty seconds, she gets a good grip on him and pulls him up, putting him in a headlock and tightening her grip to choke him, while at the same pounding his head against the extremely strong window until he's completely unconscious. She then slams him back down in his seat and gives his unconscious body a death glare. All the while Rose tries to talk some sense into Jake, who has begun crying at the sound of an angry Dirk.

"Jake, please stop crying," Rose says. "Dirk is just a little … uh … thick-skulled. He has no idea what he's talking about." She then says under her breath, "Mainly because he was just knocked unconscious." Jake, however, can't form any comprehensible words in between his sobs. "Jake, just please calm down. When he comes to, I will hand him the phone and you can explain why you didn't answer him, just so long as you weren't actually cheating."

"But I wasn't cheating," Jake barely manages in between sobs.

"We all kind of figured as much, well, all except for Dirk." Rose tries to calm him down. Kanaya tries to push her along with the call so she can take the wheel back. "Kanaya, not now," Rose says to her, "Jake needs to be comforted."

"Could you possibly hurry it up? Or perhaps pull over so I can take over with a more comfortable position?" Just then, a siren is heard behind the car, and lights are seen slightly illuminating the inside with red and blue. "Oh shit," Rose says, forgetting that Jake was on the other end."

"What, do my feelings mean nothing now?!"

"What—no, no, Jake, your feelings mean a lot right now, but there is a cop following us, so I'm going to have to put the phone down and pull over. It should only be a couple minutes. Please hang on." She sets the phone in one of the cup holders between her and Kanaya. She takes the minivan out of cruise control and pulls over to the side of the road. The cop pulls up behind them.

"Uh, you two trolls wouldn't happen to be like, the Flash when it comes to disguising yourselves, would you," Dave asks.

"What's the flash," Terezi asks.

"A really fast superhero."

"Oh, well, no. Why," Kanaya asks.

"Because you two look nothing like humans at the moment." Just then, the cop walks up to the window and taps on the glass, letting Rose know to roll the window down. She does, but after she's completely startled by the tapping.

"Do you know why I pulled you over," the cop asks.

Rose thinks about materializing a box of Krispy Kreme donuts right there, but unfortunately Jade doesn't have her space powers at the moment. She knows that she can't really lie to a police officer, so she decides to list everything that he may or may not have noticed. "I was speeding while talking on my cell phone and having my troll girlfriend keep us on the road because I couldn't concentrate for nothing with the phone. And I have an unconscious boy right behind me with blood on the window?"

"Uh … kind of? I pulled you over because you were speeding, but, I can also give you a ticket for talking on your phone, and arrest all of you for harboring a troll." The cop steps away from the door. "I'm going to have to ask you all to step out of the van."

No one moves.

"Now."

No one moves.

"I said get out of the minivan!"

"You didn't ask," Terezi yells.

"So?"

"You said that you were going to have to ask, but you just demanded. We aren't getting out until you ask."

The cop rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge between his eyes. "Can you please get out of the vehicle?"

"That's better." They all get out, but when the drivers side back door opens, the unconscious Dirk falls flat on the ground, blood coming out of his mouth and his head. The cop speaks into the little mic on his shoulder, "I'm going to need an ambulance and some backup. I think drugs may be involved." The kids' eyes go wide and they all have the same exact expression, which clearly shows what they're all thinking: _What the fuck is this guy's problem?!_  


* * *

  
And now, I interrupt this exiting little scene to bring you an update on Casey. Believe it or not, she has managed to fall asleep with all of Jane's yelling, and Jake's constant attempt to leave. She couldn't have helped but to think why he couldn't just call Dirk with their phones if it's that important. Now, she's completely asleep, and waking her would be a crime. Girls her age really need their beauty sleep. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. She could've also lent Jake a laptop, but that would mean opening her door and giving Jane the opportunity to strike, and she wasn't about to do that. So she guessed that Jake had to suffer.

Oh shut up. At least she thought about doing it.

But now, Jane doesn't care if waking Casey up is a crime or not, she will do it. And that's what she's planning on doing.

Jane walks up the stairs, contemplating the best way to approach this. Eh, fuck it—she just pounds the shit out of the door and startles Casey and makes her fall out of bed. "Why did you do that," Casey yells.

"Because you fucking deserve it! Now get out here before bust this door down!"

"Like you could actually do that!" Casey crawls back into bed, but what she doesn't expect, is Jane's fist busting through the door and opening it up from the inside. And in walks a madder-than-hell Jane, eyes glazed over with pure, unadulterated hatred. "Well, uh … you didn't break the door down … hehe … " Casey tries to joke about that, but fails.  


* * *

  
 _Calm down, Paint. It's only … genetic … material …_ Ms. Paint tries to cam herself down by reassuring herself that it's natural. John, however, was thrown against the dash by the sudden stop. "Oh, did I forget to buckle you in," Ms. Paint asks, genuinely apologetically.

"No, the damn seatbelt just forgot to do it on its own!" John can't be more irritated. First he's kidnapped, then transferred to a different vehicle, then refused to be taken home, now thrown against a dash board with no seat belt. It's a good thing he didn't have clothes on. Otherwise he could've caught more air and flown through the windshield.

Not really that last part, but he's thinking it. And he kind of wishes it were true at this point.

And then there's the airbag.

According to physics, John shouldn't be launched over the seat and into the back, but physics, apparently, is wrong, as that's exactly what happened. John was resting his head on the top of the dash, and his chest lay right over the airbag. Something went wrong, there was nothing that could've caused it, and it was a delayed reaction anyway. In one swift motion, the airbag deploys, sending john flying over the top of the front seat and almost snapping his neck while landing in the seat behind him. Ms. Paint is completely stunned at the scene because let's face it, this doesn't normally happen. You would probably have the same reaction. Maybe not.

"Are you okay," she asks worriedly. She only gets a moan in response. "Should I call an ambulance? Wait, scratch that. I'm going to give you exactly what you need—a bunch of TLC and treat you like the child I never had, but always wanted! Now, all we have to do is get out of this ditch. We can't be caught by the cops and get slowed down." She starts the minivan again and slowly drives away from the road to where the minivan isn't tilted and turns around. She drives back onto the road with ease and gets going up to the speed limit again. They continue their drive with several hours left. If they get going now, they should be back at base a couple hours before Spades and the others.

Of course, she would treat him like the child she never had, but always wanted. And she shows this by completely forgetting his position in the back seat.


	24. Intermission: The Dark Agent?

Back in the city, the floodwater is up twenty feet above ground level. A young wizard has his car drive him through literal water tunnels in the water. What is his name?

Enter Name: VICEROY BUBBLES VON SALAMANDER

**No. You are completely wrong. His name is Viceroy Bubbles Von SALAMANCER. Not Salamander, you idiot.**

**He is also the one who has been denied by Rose on occasion, but acknowledged by Dave on occasion as well. In fact he does exist, and we are following him right now, as implied by us following him and you failing horribly at guessing his name.**

**Duh.**

He was just about to make his way through the city when we began following him thirty seconds ago. His original plan was to play Jegus and drive on water, but what's the fun in that when you can tunnel your way through liquid? This also disguises him from being seen by others stranded in buildings. Why would he want to not be seen? Well, he likes to have small conversations with himself in his rear view mirror while driving. Mainly because the car does the driving and not him due to the majyyks that he possesses. This also means that you are being a creeper. Why? Because you are watching him talk to himself. He has not yet realized your presence yet because he is not a First Guardian.

He is about to receive a phone call. In fact, his phone begins to ring right now. He picks it up.

"What do you want, Dave," he asks, though just by picking up the phone he taps into the psychic energy being released by Dave's mind and knows exactly what's up.

"Well, it seems that we are stranded here with our ride being ransacked by some bogus ass cop trying his hardest to meet an imaginary quota he'll never accomplish."

"Uh huh, and this has to do with me, how?" Viceroy knows exactly, but he likes to keep things simple and have normal conversations rather than just answer all these different questions right away and confusing his vic—client.

"Well, I told Rose that you could get us out of this mess, but she didn't believe me. Well, she didn't believe that you existed. So I told her I would call you and you could tell her."

"So, just the fact that I have taken the time to put my own personal conver—centration on the mirror on hold to talk to you isn't proof enough? Your phone is on speaker, correct?"

"Yes, but … I really have to think things through."

"That is an art made specifically for those who can utilize it. Just by being the Knight of Time doesn't mean that you can. Hell, you can fuck up an entire timeline and resurrect it without thinking anything through. That's usually what causes doomed timelines in the first place, is it not?"

"Well, I guess so?"

"Good. Now, what is the real reason you called?" Viceroy hides some giggles on the inside. He knows that he's screwing with Dave's brain and he enjoys it. He always has. And quite possibly, always will. He can just hear Rose laugh at Dave's confusion on the other end. No, seriously, he can. Their phones are on speaker.

"Well, uh, I'm pretty sure it's just to prove you exist," Dave begins to reply, before being rudely interrupted by Viceroy.

"Cut the shit, Dave. Both you and I know that's a fib."

"Uh, well, uh … I don't really know how to say the truth."

"Please, let Rose talk." Viceroy ain't got time for this shit. He has a conversation with his reflection he needs to continue on with. After five agonizing seconds and unimaginable bickering, Rose starts talking.

"So, if you do exist, which it seems likely that you do at this point, wouldn't you be the same age as Casey," she asks. Way to get to the point of helping John, Rose.

"Dear, that is a topic for later discussion. I don't have time for this. Seriously, I have to concentrate on my tunnel."

"Your … tunnel? I thought you said you were concentrating on the mirror."

"I am, but I am also concentrating on this literal water tunnel that my car is driving through. Seriously, it's like I'm driving through a floo'ed ci'y."

"A what," Dave asks on the other end.

"A floo'ed ci'y," Viceroy says yet again.

"Dude, if you're going to speak, talk normally."

"Dave, you know I can't when I'm frustra'ed."

"Well, calm the fuck down."

"Fine. But you be'er tell me the truth."

"Fine," Rose resumes speaking on the other end. "Lately, our friend John has been going through some … uh …"

"Changes?"

"Yes, changes. Dave insisted that you help us, but I denied it because you don't exist."

"Rose, I can assure you that I do exist. Proven to you by the sound of my voice through this mystical portable telecommunications device. And yes, I can help John, but not alone, and five hundred sixty-seven miles away. I need help, and for him to be right here with me. Is there anything else I can help with?"

"Are you actually magical? Or is this just one of your ruses to gain fame and fortune?" Rose sounds extremely skeptical.

"Rose, I do believe the term Calliope would use is 'majyyks.' And yes, I do. In fact, I have the power of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors."

"Wouldn't that make you omnipo … whatever, because that's what the Horrorterrors are: all-knowing dark motherfucking gods," Dave asks on the other end.

"Number one, the word is omniscient. Omnipotent, the word you were thinking of, means 'everywhere at once,' which is something I clearly am not. Number two: No. I am not omniscient because that only extends into their jurisdiction, a.k.a. the Furthest Ring. Universes are not a part of the Furthest Ring, and therefore, are not a part of their jurisdiction, which means inside universes, I do not have omniscience. I do, however, have their other powers."

"Okay, color me hooked," Rose says. "I do have a friend back at his house near mine that needs immediate help. It would be greatly appreciated if you would go help him for me, considering that I can not get my hands back on my phone, which is inside the minivan … and the cop just picked it up and tossed it away. I hope it isn't broken."

"Rose, there would be nothing I would want to do more than to help you, but taking into consideration the current situation in which I find myself, it would be a lot more work for me to warp these pre-drilled liquid water tunnels into the shape, roughly a horseshoe, to get me going in the direction needed for me to arrive at said friend's house. I can do it, but it will be wasting more of my precious time, in which I have virtually an unlimited amount of, being a wizard … and psychic! But yes, I will help. It will also help me kill some time while waiting for you to retrieve John and bring him to me to help with that dilemma as well. It has been nice speaking with you again, Rose. Until later on." With that, Viceroy hangs up. And as he warps the predrilled tunnels, he dials another number on his phone. The number belongs to his superior.

"All is going according to plan."

## End Intermission


	25. Chapter 24

"Hurry up and hide the fucking phone," Dave whisper-yells as the cop walks toward them from the car. They were strictly ordered to "Leave all electronic devices, human and otherwise in the automatic mobile device. I worded that the way a troll would." Yes, the cop, like the almost-rest of the race, detests trolls. And now there are two in his presence. He needed to come up with some bullshit excuse to get them locked away, and he knows just what. "I think there may be drugs involved," he said into his radio, and then began walking toward the kids … and two trolls. Somehow, he doesn't notice Kanaya struggling to slip her iGrub back into her panties … do trolls even wear panties? Or just boxers like Terezi? The world may never know.

"So, you thought you could smuggle this," the cop asks, holding up a bag of green powder.

"It would be nice if we knew what that is before we give an answer, but no, we weren't smuggling anything." Rose scolds the cop for faking such a crime.

"First of all, it's called soporcaine, and secondly, if you weren't smuggling it, why was it in you minivan?"

"Because you just pulled it out of your pocket and claimed it was." Rose speaks calmly, almost not caring what happens. "The question that must be asked is that if that is such an illegal substance, why do you have it on your person?"

"I confiscated it from your minivan."

"I just watched you pull it out of your pocket, and we have evidence that we were never in any sort of possession of it. Your move." She smirks, knowing the cop can't win.

"Girl, who do you think they're all going to believe more, an officer of the law or a few punks who were caught harboring two trolls and a severely beaten teenager?"

"The people whose fingerprints show up nowhere on that little bag."

"Ha. You're funny. Too bad you'll be going to jail." With that being said the cop walks back over to the minivan to wait for backup.  


\-- grimAuxiliatrix` [GA]` began trolling [ ] at ??:?? --

  


GA: Get Us Out Of Here

  


* * *

  
"Casey, have you ever been waterboarded before?" The girl lets out a small, terrified squeak at the way Jane says 'waterboarded' and holds up a small washcloth. She doesn't exactly know what waterboarding is, but based on the look on the elder's face, it isn't very good for one of the two parties.  


* * *

  
Back over in the general area of the kids' and trolls' … scratch that … most of the trolls' residences, a car pulls itself into the driveway of the Captor/English/Harley household. Completely irritated that he can no longer continue on with the conversation with his own reflection, a young wizard steps out and walks over to the front door and gives it a little knock. He then realizes he forgot to lock his car, and not trusting this particular area, with the house being completely isolated, he snaps his fingers and the car doors lock as the door opens to reveal a heterochromia-eyed troll who doesn't look too enthused at having company. Realizing that he's staring at the weird creature, the wizard speaks up. "I'm here to speak with a … uh, I think his name is Jake English?" The troll gladly lets him in and leaves. Obviously whatever is wrong with Jake is horrible, otherwise the troll may have stayed. Perhaps. Well, the young wizard is about to find out.

He uses psychic enyrjjies to locate the mentally impaired boy in his pre-scratch self's bedroom, digging around, looking for a gun to off himself with.

"If, I am allowed to speak, I must say that the safe is not in here." The sudden voice causes Jake to jump and turn to face the intruder. After a moment of awkward silence, the intruder speaks again. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer, speaker of the language of the Horrorterrors and possessor of the Thorns of Oglogoth. Name courtesy of Rose Lalonde. And you are Jake English. Correct?" The suddenly suicidal boy just nods.

"Good. I will have you informed that I have been sent by Rose herself to calm you down. May I ask what is wrong?" Jake doesn't give an answer. Instead he just runs out of the room and up the stairs. "Did I say you could leave," Viceroy asks, to himself, and waves his hand toward the sofa in the living room. "Sit," he demands as Jake flies ass-first down the steps and onto the sofa. All that could've been seen as he flew by would have been a multi colored streak. Unfortunately, however, Viceroy has yet to master that simple command, as instead of landing on the sofa, Jake crashes into it and tumbles backward with it. Viceroy turns around to scold himself as Jake attempts to pick himself up off the floor. After a few seconds, the wizard walks out and helps him properly onto the sofa and sits down with him.

"Listen to me," Viceroy says comfortingly, or at least as comfortingly as he can manage, "It will all be okay. Your bf just has some trust issues, and when he get's back, he's probably going to be madder than one of your human demons in heaven and is probably going to isolate himself from you. But don't worry, because I will talk to him as well." Jake does nothing. "Now, the reason he's acting this way is because you haven't been able to reply to any of his messages. If you want, I will lend you my phone so you can pester him and explain, though I don't really believe it will work at the moment with him being unconscious. But you can still do it and wait for him to see it, or you could do what he's doing and pester him with hundreds of messages, then damn him when he get's back for not replying. Does that sound like a good idea to you?" The suggestion causes a smile to force its way onto Jake's face. The thought is just so idiotic that it might just work.

"Okay," he says quietly, and Viceroy hands him his phone, unbroken from absolutely no impacts with kitchen floors and whatnot. He signs into his pesterchum account and messages Dirk, knowing damn well that he's unconscious. But he won't tell him that.  


\-- golgothasTerror `[GT]` began pestering timaeusTestified `[TT]` at ??:?? --

  


GT: Strider.  
GT: Strider please answer.  
GT: Strider!  
GT: Dirk pick up the damn phone and answer me!  
GT: You know this is doing nothing to help our relationship.  
GT: Im still waiting.  
GT: …  
GT: Damn you Strider! I try my best to make this all work out and this is what you do? You are acting like you dont even care anymore.  
GT: Fine be that way! See if i give a rats patootie!  
GT: Dont even bother answering now!

  


\-- golgothasTerror `[GT]` ceased pestering timaeusTestified `[TT]` at ??:?? --

  
After he gets done messaging Dirk, he scrolls up the pesterlog and reads through all the messages that were sent to him. It reminds him about what he did in Sburb, except this time, most of the messages are insulting him for not answering instead of begging for an answer. Viceroy takes his phone back and tells Jake that he's going to delete all of Dirk's messages to him and space out the timing on his own messages to Dirk to make it look like he was messaging Dirk, not the other way around. This makes Jake feel slightly better, and confident that Dirk won't be as mad now. Perhaps, with a little bit of dumb luck, this plan will work. 


	26. Chapter 25

The ambulance arrives fifteen minutes later to pick Dirk up and take him to the hospital. At least ten more cops show up as well. Meanwhile, unbeknown to everybody there, save the person about to be introduced, a mysterious silhouette stalks its prey. Who would this silhouette be?

Enter Name: -

**Really? You are seriously going to attempt to name this thing even though you don't even know what or who it looks like? Are you that stupid?**

Enter – **No. Just no. Not until you at least see his face.**

En— **I SAID NO! Now, as I was saying,** a silhouette stalks his prey. **There, one step closer to being able to identify this figure.** He hides in the trees some twenty yards away from the road. Would he have the misfortune to be alone with no one to warn him of danger? Of course not. He's a sassy Caucasian man who don't need no backup, as proven by him saying that several times while snapping his fingers in that stupid z-motion. And his brother does the same thing with his hands on his hips and swinging them around.

Enter Name: Dirk Strider

**… What? Are you that unobservant? Dirk was knocked unconscious by Roxy a while ago and was just taken away in an ambulance.**

Enter Name:

**No, no more chances for you—not until you learn to become more observant.**

Getting back to the story, the silhouette watches as the cops talk to our protagonists. He also watches as a few cops drag Terezi and Kanaya away. He waits for the perfect moment to strike, possibly sever a head and a torso or two in the process. He decides that in order to perform a good attack he must envision the cops as puppets. God he hates puppets. To this day, he wonders why he allows them around the house … oh, wait … Bro. Yeah, that's why.

Enter Name: Dave Strider

**… What. The fuck? Did I not just get done saying, "No more guesses?" This isn't Dave because, obviously, Dave is down there being questioned by the fuzz. Stop guessing.**

Anyway, he must be doing something wrong because Rose catches a quick glimpse of him as he hops to another branch on another tree ten feet away. She disguises her knowing, but he knows. There is no way that anything could be hidden from him. Especially facial expressions. Seconds pass, then minutes, and Rose begins to wonder what exactly he's doing here with the kids, since he obviously isn't doing anything to help. She spots him again, barely visible against the bark in the dark shadows of a tree. She shoots him a glare that could kill anyone else, but he does nothing to show reaction. Instead he just stares.

Unfortunately, Rose had let her guard down because Dave, Jade, Roxy, and both cops questioning them grab her attention and ask her what she's looking at. She attempts to change the subject, but the cops demand an answer. "I saw a bug," she says. The cops, being dumb as they are, believe her. Dave, Jade, and Roxy, however, know she's lying, but don't call her out on it.

Keeping her guard up, Rose once again looks over to the tree where the silhouette was, only to find that he isn't there anymore. She wonders where he could've gone. When one of the cops asks her a question, she draws her attention to her and begins to answer. As she does this, the silhouette stealthily takes out a few tires on one car behind them. It goes completely unnoticed. Ten seconds later, the silhouette visits another car and opens the back door. He grabs Terezi and closes the door. The sound, however, is heard, and they all look over to the cars to find nothing out of the ordinary. Once everyone gets turned back around, the silhouette hops out from behind the car he just raided and visits another, this time freeing Kanaya. The door once again makes a noise just a little bit too loud for comfort, and everyone once again looks over. "Who keeps doing that," one of the cops shouts. He gets a reply from apparently empty space, but being the idiot that he is, dismisses it as one of his colleagues. Jade and Roxy don't recognize the voice, but Rose and Dave, having a mind and a half combined recognize it immediately. Dave gives a slight smirk and Rose verifies his suspicion with a smirk as well.

"Okay, I think that's enough of the questions. Please come with us," the woman cop says. Everyone follows. When they get to the cars, the man cop goes back to his car to find all his tires deflated and an I.O.U. on the windshield. The I.O.U. reads as follows:

Front:

I.O.U.  
Over =>

Back:

A new set of wheels

The woman cop finds an I.O.U. on her windshield as well. It reads as follows:

Front:

I.O.U.  
Over =>

Back:

A troll

"What the fuck," she says. She looks over and sees yet another on the next car. She picks it up. It reads as follows:

Front:

I.O.U.  
Over =>

Back:

I changed my mind. Two trolls.

The cop's jaw drops to the ground. She just can't believe what she's reading. "Who did this," she shouts over at the kids.

"We don't fucking know," Dave replies. "How could any of us do it when we were with you the entire time?"

"I don't know, but you must have," the cop spits out at them, just before she falls to the ground, knocked unconscious from behind. Before she even falls the perpetrator is gone. One by one, the kids watch as all the other cops drop in the same manner. A couple minute later, Kanaya and Terezi pop up next to the group. The silhouette finally reveals himself to the group.

"What, you didn't trust us enough to be able to do this alone," Dave asks. The man says nothing to them. "Can you at least tell us where Bro is?"

The man just nods an acknowledgement and disappears back into the trees. "Is that really how I'm going to act around everybody when I'm his age," Dave asks to no one in particular. "I mean, com on! At least DirkBro says at least one word to you!"

"Judging by these I.O.U.s I can only imagine why Sollux wanted to name you 'Insufferable Prick,'" Rose says with an out-of-character giggle.  


* * *

  
After some time chatting with Jake, Viceroy has finally gotten him to laugh. For the past ten minutes the two have been joking about recent happenings in each other's lives. And then Jake remembers something. "Oh shit," he says.

Even though Viceroy knows the answer through psychic enyrjjies, he still must ask, "What's the matter?"

"We have to get over to John's house," Jake responds, almost slipping into a panic.

"Then what exactly are we waiting for," Viceroy asks as he gets up. He tells Jake that they can take his car because it'll be faster, but by time he gets the words out of his mouth the latter has already left and began running toward the Egbert/Crocker household. "And I'm just standing here, talking to myself like an idiot," Viceroy says to himself when he realizes Jake's absence. Without anymore hesitation, he snaps his fingers and instantly teleports over to the Egbert/Crocker household, where he beats Jake by a solid three minutes. He allows Jake, who is now gasping for breath like a fish out of water, to lead him into the house and the scene of the emergency. When Jake opens the door and he sees the mess in the house, Viceroy snaps his fingers and the house begins cleaning itself Disney's The Sword in the Stone style. The wet washcloth that is over Casey's face flies off and begins wiping the counters and the sprayer on the faucet sprays Jane away to allow Casey to escape. She runs past Jake and Viceroy and out the door before Jane gets the opportunity to realize what exactly is happening.

"Oh come on," Jane shouts, "I was having fun going all CIA on her ass in here!"

"Jane, You were waterboarding a ten year old girl, this house is a mess, and Jake here just suffered a psychological meltdown, mostly caused by you not giving him any access to Pesterchum. This situation has spiraled horribly out of control and must be fixed immediately," Viceroy scolds Jane. He then lifts his elbows up off the table for the ex-waterboarding washcloth to wipe it down.

"Oh, shut up salamander boy," Jane tries to insult Viceroy, but fails miserably when the latter laughs at her attempt. "Jake, go get my alter-ego," he says to the psychologically-repaired boy, who nods and heads out the door to chase down the (ex)salamander girl.  


* * *

  
In the driveway of a pitch-black building, a pure-white minivan comes to a screeching halt. **Don't even guess who it is because I am telling you right now that it is only Ms. Paint and John.**

Enter Name: Stinkbreath Bilerrhea

Enter Name: Diarrhea Chachacha

**What. The. Fuck. You just had to "name" someone today didn't you?! Really?! What would your mother think?!**

Anyway, John never did move from his position in the backseat, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it was. He obviously wants Ms. Paint to feel bad for what she unintentionally did, though it was technically his fault.

And somehow his horns are unbroken. When Ms. Paint. Gets him inside, she has John lie down on an extremely comfortable memory foam bed. She leaves and returns with a sharp dagger. "Sorry, it's the only sharp thing Spades will allow," she says. With that being said, she begins cutting off the bandages around John's horns. She can't believe their shape. It's just so unnatural for troll horns to shape like that, well, at least for one horn to shape like it is, anyway. The right horn goes up about three inches and splits off into two curved spokes. The left spoke is short and fishhook-like, while the other curved spoke goes up about six more inches and splits off into two more slightly curved spokes. The horn in its entirety takes on the form of a "J" on a pedestal. The left horn is nine inches tall and curved outward, with a small conical spoke protruding every three inches, forming a curved "E". The symbol on his chest takes on the appearance of a "J" and an "E" combined, forming his initials. It mesmerizes Paint, who doesn't realize it until John tries to grab her attention away from his chest.

"Are you some sort of creeper or what," John asks, genuinely creeped out.

"Huh, what," Ms. Paint, herself, is confused. "Oh." She takes the bandages and throws them away. When she comes back she tells John that she'll be right back with a bowl of licorice scotty dog soup—Spades's favorite. "I trust you will enjoy it as much as he does." She exits the room and enters the kitchen with a smile on her face. She makes a mental note to have Diamonds clean the genetic material out of her minivan when he gets back. Oh, he's going to enjoy that.


	27. Chapter 26

Okay, perhaps she won't be right back with that soup.

She would have, had the stove not caught on fire. Apparently, and this has happened never before, but apparently putting even one extra licorice Scotty dog in the pot doesn't mix so well with the recipe. Really. When it says "one hundred Scotty dogs," it means one hundred. Not one hundred one or higher, but one hundred. Who knew? Apparently not Ms. Paint. She wanted to make it special for John, so she put one extra in and the excess sugar just blew up. Literally. The pot was a miniature, misshapen volcano. It was exciting, but not in a good way.

John heard the sugar explosion and thought nothing of it. Now, he's in the kitchen helping Ms. Paint put out a bunch of small fires-after he is unbound, of course.

But the pot must also be recognized.

As Ms. Paint gets up to get more flour to put out the fire in the pot, John walks over and physics decides that it's a good idea for him to slip on a wet spot on the floor.

He feels otherwise.

Especially since he knocks the pot off the stove, spilling flaming licorice scotty dog soup all over his front. Ms. Paint dumps the remaining flour on him to put out his troll flesh, drags him into the bathroom, forces him to stand in the shower, and turns on the cold water to soothe his burns. This leaves him wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

Wait: Sburb, trolls, Karkat, matespritship, sexy times, hot sexy times, bitten, weretroll ... yeah ... that's probably it. But that still doesn't explain why he deserved it.

According to Dad: He was associating with trolls. He deserves it even more if he was, dare I say, copulating with them.

According to everyone else: Who gives a fuck? This isn't good no matter what way it's looked at.

Godheads: He deserves it just for existing.

John's godhead: THIS WASN'T PART OF THE FUCKING PLAN!

Karkat's godhead: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I guess we'll never know.

When Ms. Paint returns to the kitchen to clean up the rest of the mess, she notices an emergency news broadcast.

"The mysterious 'blood storm' that erupted over Lolar City yesterday has finally began taking lives. Just a few minutes ago, a window busted in a classroom in the high school. The school has begun to flood from the top floor. Five students have already been reported dead from shattered glass and drowning." The news anchor's tone is grave. This new planet is prone to weird weather, but water as red as blood and storms of this type just popping up out of nowhere isn't included on that list. The news anchor continues. "The National Weather Service advises people in neighboring areas to board up their houses and evacuate in the event that the storm expands."  


* * *

  
``

`In the science hallway of the high school, a teacher keeps his class calm. Water is quickly rising up above the window. He looks out and wonders how much longer this storm is going to last. He sighs. all the teachers were ordered to keep their students in their rooms. They don't want the hallways to be crowded in case a rescue crew arrives. His class hasn't been much trouble. The students have been talking among themselves with no problems. Other classrooms, he's heard, have students having anxiety attacks. For some reason, the administration also wanted all teachers to keep their doors locked. He thinks this may be to keep the students from crowding the halls. This order, however, would lead to the demise of five within the next few minutes.`

`Suddenly, the students stop talking and the room falls silent. A creaking sound fills the room. "What's that," one of the students asks, just before both windows shatter, allowing blood-red water to pour into the room. One student is severely cut from broken glass grazing past his exposed leg. He thinks he probably should have worn jeans instead of shorts. Unfortunately the blood blends in with the water, being the same color, and no one knows just how badly he's cut since the water has risen so much. Another student who comes to help him gets knocked off his feet by the force of the water rushing in through the window.`

`Next to them, the teacher searches for his keys after they were swept off his desk from the water. The water gets too high and finding them becomes almost impossible before they drown. He tells all of the students by the door to scream and pound on it while he helps the other students get up out of the water. three more students have fallen trying to help and have been unable to get up with water flowing in.`

`In the class next door, the students and teacher hear the commotion next to them. the teacher unlocks his door and steps into the hallway to see what's wrong. As soon as he sees the panicking students, he runs back into his class and grabs his other key ring off his desk. He runs back to the door and goes through key after key looking for the right one. when he finally finds it and unlocks the door, water has flooded over half way up the classroom. As soon as he turns the handle, water forces the door open and wipes him out, sending him halfway down the hall before he stops. water forces chairs and other things out the class. Teachers from around the hall rush to figure out a way to get the door closed. One of the custodians who was in the hall brings out ropes that they tie to the outside door handle, all the while the first teacher counts to make sure all of his students are there. They are, but a few aren't responding. He calls up the school nurse as the other teachers and some students pull on the ropes and push on the door to get it closed. The higher the water gets behind the narrowing exit, the more force it has on the door, trying to open it. Somehow they are able to get it closed, but when they turn around, they find that five of their friends are lying on the floor, four undergoing CPR and one being hooked to a portable defibrillator.`

`Down in the English hallway, a teacher, known as Mr. Duncan, receives a call on his cell phone to evacuate his class. He is told that the room above them is flooding with water, and he comes to the conclusion that that would be the reason some of his students are being hit with droplets. He gets all of his students out of the room and gets the door closed just before the floor and ceiling above it collapses, releasing all the water flooding in the room above, and ripping the door of his own room off its hinges from the sheer force of the impact. He tells all of his students to run to a high part of the school where there isn't any water, just before he is told by a teacher who comes down the stairs that five students have died-the cause of death being drowning.`

``   


* * *

  
"Please, I just want to know how much this costs so I can pay." Kankri has been standing at the cash register of the gas station for ten minutes trying to pay, but the clerk is too afraid to speak, as is everyone else in the building. "You know, this is really starting to trigger me. I just want to pay for these damn [#language] coffees and get back to what I was doing, which was trying to comfort my ailing dancestor. So please, just 'shoot' me a price, but not with a gun, because I've already been through that enough." The clerk slowly moves toward the register and hits a few buttons. The price pops up as $3.01. She jumps back quickly to avoid his wrath for such a large price.

Much to her surprise, however, Kankri digs through his wallet. "Damn [#language] it, I think I left all of my human money back in the void. Will you accept troll dollars? I do believe they are worth nearly the same as your currency." The clerk nods, not wanting any trouble. Kankri sees this and starts doing the math in his head. _Let's see: 1 trollian penny equals 1.1 human pennies, so that would make $1 worth $1.10, $2 worth $2.20, and $3 worth $3.30. Adding on the extra penny would give me 1.1 more, so rounding down I would get $3.31. Okay._ "Here you go," he says while setting $3.31 in trollian money on the counter and walks off with his coffees. Shortly after he leaves, the clerk puts in her two weeks notice and vows to never work at another gas station again.

By time Kankri gets back to the old motel, Cronus has gotten Karkat to get dressed and at least sit up. When he walks in the room, he gives Cronus and Karkat each a coffee and sits down with them at the small table with his own.

"I tried to get some info out of him," Cronus whispers into Kankri's ear. The latter nods and sips his coffee. Karkat sits next to him, just holding his cup and staring into nothingness, which would be taken literally if they were still in the Furthest Ring. "The poor thing is just barely holding on by a thread," Kankri whispers back to Cronus.

"Yeah, he's taking it pretty hard. I've gotten him to say one thing, and that was that the split happened barely two days ago."

Keep in mind that the two are still whispering so Karkat can't hear. "He must've had extremely red feelings toward this human."

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that they rival those between yours and Meulin's post-scratch incarnations."

"Cronus, you know that talking about that sickens me."

"Well it's true." Cronus turns to Karkat. "Aren't you going to drink your coffee?"

"I don't know." Karkat's tone is hollow, and it seems that he's barely even in any level of consciousness. He doesn't even look up at the other two trolls. Instead he just keeps staring into non-literal nothingness.

John is obviously taking this better. That, or it's just that being burned by flaming soup is too distracting. Perhaps Kankri and Cronus need to distract him. And though they know nothing of what is happening to John, they know that this must be done, and Cronus thinks he knows exactly what to do.


	28. Chapter 27

"Karkat, in order for us to help you, you must help us. We need to know what exactly is up between you and this 'John' human." Cronus is straight forward with Karkat. He figures that it's best, rather than hiding his true intentions.

"What?" Karkat looks up at the purple-blooded troll. "What are you talking about?" His face shows confusion.

"What Cronus is trying to say is that you need to tell us what happened during this 'separation' in order for us to help you get over it," Kankri says. Before Karkat can talk again, he catches a glint out of the bottom of his eye and looks down at his hand. "When did I get this?"

Cronus looks at Kankri's right ring finger, which now holds a perfectly round, gold ring. He tries to think of where Kankri could possibly have gotten it, but is able to think of nothing because Kankri despises jewelry. Apparently jewelry can be triggering by way of someone showing off their wealth while other people are poor. Yeah, just stupid stuff like that. All the while Kankri just stares at his finger, trying to figure out where the frick he could possibly have gotten it.

Meanwhile, up in the clouds, two new godheads have entered the universe. Who might these godheads be?

Enter Name:

**No, you are banned from naming things. I am blocking you.** Anyway, these two godheads would be the Seer of Blood and the Bard of Hope. In short, those of Kankri and Cronus respectively. They meet just outside the Heirs mansion, which is in the process of collapsing.

"Cronus, you go do whatever. I'll go break up this civil war between my dancestor and his undeserving matesprit."

"Alright," the Bard agrees. Upon entering the universe, the two godheads separated from their mortal selves, but not for the same reason as the others. Instead, they split in order to multitask. And that's what they plan on doing. It is also here where we begin to follow Cronus, but not entirely, as we skip ahead of him and go down to the flooding high school.

Here, everyone is gathered in the main gym because the entire school is \rapidly depressurizing, causing more windows to break and more water to flood faster.

Suddenly, the water around the school moves outward in a maelstrom. The maelstrom grows and grows until it is almost a half of a mile wide. The doors of the school open, releasing the blood-red water from within. In ten minutes, the people trapped inside notice the lowered levels and walk out. The step onto dry land and watch the water swirl violently around them. The air, however, is mysteriously calm. With little warning, the Bitch Witch and Page of Hope appear before the students and faculty. The first question asked is addressed to the Page, and comes from a friend of Jake. "You look like one of my friends." Of course, the mood just has to be ruined by someone who recognizes them.

"Truth be known, my mortal self probably is. This would also mean that Jade, here, looks familiar as well." The Page's tone is soft and caring. It gives off a hint of an Australian accent, which the students recognize immediately.

"You're Jake," one of them says.

"Really, it's more like Jake is me," the Page responds. He hides the disgust in his voice when he says the name. It is at this point where Mr. Hussie has had enough. He's seen three gods already. He needs to know why they split apart. So he asks.

"So, why exactly did you split from your mortal selves." Okay, it's more of a demand than anything, but he didn't have the opportunity to ask the first. He's eager, so sue him.

"Well, it's hard to explain, but the short version is that they treated us like shit. Jade, here, was used for evil. She went grimbark and pretty much scared the living shit out of me. Right after she saved me and Jane, too.

"Jane's was also used for evil. She was forced to force Roxy into creating this … this matriorb, or whatever that thing was called. It was horrible. Pretty much, we were all treated like shit and we were tired of it, so we separated from our mortal selves and have been forcing them to live without our help. This does not mean, however, that their innocent friends will go without it. So we came to help." The Page smiles at everyone, who backs away in horror as a gray, horned creature garbed in a similar outfit joins the two gods.

"What's wrong," the Page asks, just before he is rudely interrupted.

"I see how it is. You all hold a water-tornado party and don't even invite the seadweller. That really hurts. It really does. Right here in the vascular pump." The new godhead points at his chest.

"Oh shit. Not this guy again," the Bitch Witch says.

"That doesn't look like any of the gods that I know of," Mr. Hussie says.

"That's because he doesn't even belong here. HE BELONGS BACK IN THE FUCKING VOID!" The Page shouts so that Cronus can hear him.

"Oh, come on, man. I was just out and about and wanted to have a little bit of fun."

"So you're the one who is doing all this?!" The superintendent looks like his head could explode from anger.

"No, I can't. Yes, it holds true that I am a seadwelling troll, but I have no power over water. Only hope. Now, if I could just stand here …" Cronus walks over and rests his elbow on the Page's shoulder. The Page gets a frown on his face, showing his disapproval.

"So, is this one evil," Mr. Hussie asks one of the other two godheads.

"No, just desperate," the Page responds, before Cronus whispers something in his ear.

"So, is this a pantsless party or should I leave mine on?" Cronus' voice is quiet, only so that the Page can hear him. The page, mortified by this question, slips out from under Cronus' arm.

"Jade, I think you should deal with the desperate Bard!"

"What the fuck is your problem," the Bitch Witch asks.

"Just … nothing. Just deal with him yourself."

While the three gods go at it, the situation for everyone else has turned into a "What the fuck am I watching" type thing. It has become awkward for both parties—The mortals and the gods.

  


"OH HELL NO!" Someone's loud, obnoxious shouting has rudely interrupted Meenah's shower. Yes, she does take showers on special occasions. Seconds later, she hears another shout, "OH FUCK NO!"

Okay, that's it, no more shower. She steps out, dries off, puts on her nicest outfit (yes, she also cares about this stuff on special occasions as well) and matching heels (again, yes on special occasions), and walks out to the source of the rude shouting. There, next to the ring case, the Serket twins are about to blow an earth "gasket". "What the fuck is goin' on here," she asks angrily. The spider 8itches ruined her shower, so she isn't happy. And she shows it.

"Someone stole the damn ring!" Vriska answers just as angrily.

"They did WHAT now?!"

"Yeah! They stole the fucking ring and it isn't here anymore!" Meenah pushes her way past the other two and looks in the ring case. She looks in, around, on, below, everywhere she can look, but finds nothing. This was supposed to be HER special day, and now it's completely fricking ruined. "When I find out who did this I'll fork 'em until they wish they were double fucking dead!"  


* * *

  
Checking back in with John, who is currently freezing his literally hot ass off in the coldest fucking shower of his life, we see that not much has changed. He's actually beginning to enjoy it, now that his massive body burn is somewhat soothed. But alas, it was never fated to last, as he is allowed five more minutes, and Ms. Paint comes in to retrieve him and put him on bed rest with a crap ton of burn cream. Minutes later, Spades and the other members of the Midnight Crew, save Diamonds and Hearts, walk in. This is, of course, after Ms. Paint has John covered in burn cream and bandaged up. As Spades walks past his room, he catches a glimpse of something in his bed out of the corner of his eye. He stops just after he passes and backs up enough to see. With an annoyed face he confronts Paint in the kitchen, where she is currently making the scotty dog soup CORRECTLY.

"Why is the troll in my bed?"

"Because yours is the comfiest." Ms. Paint gives spades a wide smile as she stirs the soup in the new pot.

"Yeah, that's why it's in my room and not the guest room."

"You're just mad because he's an innocent little thing who just so happened to be in the wrong place a the wrong time and now he needs to use your bed."

"Seriously, what the fuck happened to him? He was all bandaged up and shit." Spades was never able to hide his irritation, and he isn't about to start now.

"Something went wrong with the soup and he kind of got burned." Ms. Paint gives a shy smile.

"All over?!"

"Horribly wrong." The smile disappears. Spades will never admit it, but he can never win an argument with Ms. Paint. It's like the two are married. One is always in control and the other is Spades. He knows that she is determined to have this troll use his bed and there's no getting it back until the damn thing leaves. There goes however many days of comfortable sleep. Who knows, he may even get some good night's anything-but-sleep out of this.

"Fine, but only for now." With that the black carapacian leaves and moves his stuff into Cans's room, because for some reason, the behemoth thinks he needs the second comfiest bed in the place. This causes a chain reaction where everyone moves into the room with the next comfiest bed until clubs gets the guest room, which has the least comfiest bed in the entire building.

When the soup is finished, Ms. Paint puts it on low head and makes two origami scotty dogs, rather than the one she makes for spades, and puts some soup into a bowl and takes it to John. On her way back to Spades's room, she comes across him, who seems to have yet another problem—the extra scotty dog.

"What the fuck is that?!" Spades can't help but raise his voice at this anarchy.

"What?" Ms. Paint sounds innocent as she holds the seemingly innocent tray.

"This," Spades spits as he picks up one of the origami scotty dogs.

"It looks like an origami scotty dog," Ms. Paint says.

"I can see that. What I want to know is why the fuck there are two! You only give me one whenever you make me some, yet give him two when he's only been here a few hours!" Spades throws the paper scotty dog back onto the tray where it almost lands in the soup.

"He is a very important guest. I was going to make him soup with an extra licorice scotty dog in it but it blew up!"

"So you burn him and give him an extra origami scotty dog as a consolation?"

"No … he accidentally knocked the flaming pot off the stove when he fell. I'm giving him the extra scotty dog because I couldn't put it in the soup. It has to be extra special in some way. Now fix the origami scotty dog and get out of my way!" Spades really has no choice but to oblige, and oblige he does, but begrudgingly. Once Paint gets her mind set on something, she never gives up on it. This is going to be a long however long it's going to take before this damn troll leaves, and Spades knows it.  


* * *

  
Let's head back over to the trio to trolls that we were originally following at the beginning of this chapter. Kankri has long since taken off the ring and given it to Karkat to cheer him up. Karkat put it on, but it didn't seem to do anything for him, though Kankri's sudden amnesia did give him a chuckle. But now, it's back to seriousness. And no, it wasn't long ago since we last saw them. In fact, it's only been about thirty seconds. You have to keep in mind that everything we see happens near simultaneously.

Anyway, Kankri and Cronus have attempted to get Karkat to talk, and he seems to be more willing than earlier. "So, Karkat, back to vwhat wve vwere asking earlier before Kankri's episode, vwhat caused this split?" Cronus is actually, for once, not trying to hit on anybody, unlike his godhead over at the high school.

"Well, John's dad found out I am a troll, and for some dumb reason he thinks that all trolls are Lord English's servant's, well, those aren't his exact words, but it's implied, and he kicked me out. I was barely even able to say goodbye." Red droplets begin to form in his eyes as he talks.

"I'm sure John is just as miserable as you," Kankri says, trying to be comforting, but apparently not successfully.

"That was the plan."

"What," Cronus and Kankri say in unison. "What's the plan," Kankri continues alone.

"To … make John as miserable as possible …" Karkat tries to shrink away from the two other trolls, who now look like they want to hurt the ailing cancer.

"Karkat, why would you want to make your matesprit miserable? Don't you want him to be happy?" Kankri can't believe what he's hearing out of his dancestor's mouth.

"Well, he can't know about it, otherwise it would ruin the plan." Karkat tries to defend himself, but he can't get the words out.

"And howv, exactly, is this plan supposed to play out," Cronus asks.

"Well, I don't contact John at all, and I wait until he becomes so miserable that his dad realizes the horrendous mistake he made and invites me back in." Karkat has his head down. He can't even look at either of the other two.

"Karkat, no matter howv vwell you plan this stuff out, the other must knowv about it, othervwise you're just setting your matespritship up for inevwitable failure. Just think about howv he vwould react if you accidentally let it slip that you vwanted him to be miserable just so that you could come back? Just the fact that you vwanted him to be miserable wvould probably be enough to make him leavwe." Cronus allows for this to sink into Karkat's think pan.

  
Outside the motel, Bro, a.k.a. Adult Dirk, stalks his victim. However, this victim is only one, unlike the several his somewhat younger-yet-same-age bro was stalking. His victim is Karkat, and his goal is captivity of the depressed creature. He currently isn't one hundred percent sure that Karkat is in the motel, but judging by the car and the license plate, he's assuming he is.

Before he can do anything else, he turns around and holds his katana up against the chest of another stalker, this one being Adult Dave, who is holding his katana at Adult Dirk's neck. "Never attempt to sneak up on me, ever," Adult Dirk says quietly.

"I was just going to walk right on up beside you whether you knew about it or not," Adult Dave says just as quietly. Neither Strider lowers their sword for a few seconds until they're sure the other isn't going to start a strife. But that would be completely insane considering that they're on a mission. Adult Dirk walks toward the car. "I've been watching this motel now for about a day," he says normally. "So far I've seen two troll walk up to it … well, one walk up to it while pushing the other in a wheelchair. They went it that room right there," he points to the door of the room that houses the trolls. "So far I've seen one come out for a while. H returned about thirty minutes later with a few cups that I'm assuming were full of coffee. That was only about twenty minutes ago." He stops at the car. "I think that Karkat is here. This looks like his car and it looks like his stuff in it."

Hearing the voices outside, Kankri lifts the curtain to see who it is, or what it is. Upon seeing the people, Karkat orders Kankri to drop the curtain and hides.

"Hey, did you see that," Adult Dave asks Bro.

"See what?"

"That curtain just moved. It literally just lifted itself up, stayed there for like, two seconds, and dropped."

Adult Dirk rolls his eyes behind his stupid anime shades. "Oh yeah, I saw that with they eyes in the back of my fucking skull. Of course I didn't see that, idiot. My back is turned to the damn building."

"Karkat, who is that and why are you so afraid of them?" Kankri can't help but think this is all suspicious.

"Those are the adult Striders. Dave probably sent them after me for making his best bro so miserable. They can't know I'm here. Otherwise they'll probably take me out somewhere and cull me." Karkat covers himself in blankets on his moldy mattress. When he's finished, the only sign of something alive being there is only a little bit of movement from his breathing.

"Bro, really you have to believe me," Adult Dave pleads.

"I never said that I don't. Like I said, there are at least two trolls in there. They were probably looking out at us to make sure we weren't up to no good."

"But we aren't."

"And we need to let them know that if we want to search the place for Karkat." Adult Dirk walks over to the window, raises his shades, and looks in, squinting to try to look through the glass, which has a massive glare due to the position of the planet's parent star. His shadow shows through the curtain and becomes visible in the dust suspended in the air. "These curtains must be too thick to see through. I can't see a thing," he says. His voice comes through slightly muffled from inside the motel room where the three trolls sit and wait. Without warning, Adult Dave knocks on the door, startling the only four other living beings within half a mile.

  


* * *

  
Inside the Heir's mansion, the Seer of Blood walks through seemingly endless devastation, following the rather loud noises to find his destination. In a large open area, Poopsmell Ruinseverything and Whoreface Asswipe are still engaged in the extremely violent Word War II that they were engaged in six chapters ago. But now, the Word War has mostly ceased and now it's mostly violence. When the Seer walks in, Poopsmell is trying to drill a hole into Whoreface, who is using his blood powers to control Poopsmell, and thus control the flow of the air drill. The Seer, upon seeing this, flips his shit and uses his Blood powers to completely separate the two warring parties. When the two godheads, now being forcefully held against the walls on opposite ends of the devastated room, look over, the Seer of Blood is staring back with eyes as black as the void.


	29. Chapter 28

"Aranea, where is the fucking portal?!" Meenah is out for the blood of whoever stole the ring. This, as mentioned before, was HER special day, and shell be damned if she lets some grabby fingers ruin it. **Haha, get it? Shell, instead of she'll? What am I doing with my life?**

Meenah, it's dangerous to go into a universe as a ghost!" Aranea pleads to her moirail to stay, but knowing Meenah, she won't listen. "Why do you think we set up that rule?!"

"I don't care! I'm going in an' getting' mah ring!" Meenah storms off toward wherever she suspects the portal to be. She thinks she knows who stole it. All she has to do is listen to the odd silence that fills these dream bubbles. It's definitely either Ampora or the Insufferable. She's going with the former.

She passes Rufioh and presses a button, which makes a portal appear out of thin air. Rufioh gives a nervous smile and asks where she's going in such a hurry.

"I'm goin' to fork whoever stole the ring!" Yeah, Meenah is definitely on her troll period and shouldn't be messed with. She almost steps through the portal when she realizes something. "Where's mah fork?!" She turns around and sees Damara holding it rather seductively. Meenah stomps over and grabs it, giving the other a look that could kill, if she wasn't already dead.

"セックスは私までグ-を—" Damara begins, before she is rudely interrupted by an angry Meenah.

"Make like sardines and can it!" Yeah, Meenah doesn't need any of Damara's shit right now. She has a fish to fork.

Meanwhile, back at the school, the three gods are still awkwardly arguing. And the innocent people are still awkwardly watching. "I'm not doing anything until you tell me what he said," the Bitch Witch says.

"Help me and I'll tell you what he said," the Page pleads.

"Was he trying to hit on you?"

"Yes! And it made me rather uncomfortable. Now, as your … what, exactly, am I to you in relation?"

"Biological father."

"Okay, Jade, as your biological father, I command you to do something about this situation." The Page feels as though he just won.

"Well, Jake, as your adoptive grandmother, I command you to tell me what he said to you first!" Okay, perhaps not. This, of course, confuses everyone. How can the Witch be both the Pages biological daughter and is adoptive grandmother? Especially since they're both the same age. None of this is making sense.

There's also the 2x3dent flying toward Cronus. Fortunately for the fish-troll, a student points out the odd thing and he has barely enough time to dodge the projectile before it lands among the mortals, fortunately hurting none of them. Seconds later, another seadweller is among the crowd, and she looks like she could eat everyone alive. "Cronus, where's mah fuckin' ring?!"

"Vwhat ring," the Bard asks nervously, obviously knowing what she's talking about.

"Meenah, what are you doing here? I thought ghosts couldn't come into universes," the Bitch Witch shouts.

"We can, it just isn't good for us." Meenah, is relatively calm, or at least presents herself to be. "Therefore, in order for me to not go all apeshit on anyone, and possibly harm myself, I must kindly ask Cronus to give me the effin' ring."

"What ring are you talking about," the Witch asks.

"The ring that belongs on my finger," Meenah says, slightly annoyed. Seriously, that's just a big, fat duh. "I know he took it because no matter what he says, he can't keep his slimy hagfish fingers off of any sort of jewelry. Now, please give me the ring before I have to go all god tier on you," she says turning to Cronus.

"I don't have it. Last I checked, Kankri does." Cronus has no idea what she means by "go god tier on you," but it doesn't sound good, so yeah, he ain't taking any chances.

Meenah develops a look on her face that can only be described as 'What the fuck?!' "Is that seriously the best excuse you can come up with? That idiot doesn't even like jewelry."

"We had business to do here and we knew it wasn't safe for ghosts to enter universes, so we borrowed it. He was unsure at first, but after I did it with no harm done he decided to do it too. I have no idea where it is at the moment. Probably still with him." Cronus tries to be calm.

Meenah picks up her fork and walks over to Cronus. "And where is Kankri?"

"Up in the clouds somewhere." Cronus gives a small grin and puts his cigarette in his mouth. Thief of life powers: Activate. Meenah takes her claw and scrapes it quickly across the concrete sidewalk. As soon as it lights into a small flame she puts it against the cigarette and lights it. She then blows her claw out and leaves, leaving Cronus to spit out his cigarette and stomp it out on the ground. "Great, now I'll have to find a new cigarette," he says annoyed.  


* * *

  
"I am so ashamed of you, Karkat," the Seer says as he walks to the center of the room. "You are a disgrace to this blood caste [#class oppression]. Do you know nothing of your 'heritage'?" He hopes he's using the word "heritage" right. If not, he risks triggering John, and, well, that really is undesira—no. He needs to get these thoughts out of his head right now. He doesn't give a frig if John is triggered or not because he's here to break up a fight.

"How are you even doing this?! You're a fucking seer," Whoreface shouts from his position on the eastern wall of the room.

"I'm a player of blood. I can."

"Then I should be able to too!" Whoreface attempts to do the same to Kankri what Kankri's doing to him, but is unable to for some odd reason. "Why isn't it working?!"

"Karkat, I am a more powerful and more experienced god than you. You can't escape." Kankri looks at the other with a maniacal grin. The void in his eyes show his anger, especially now that they've burst into flames. This scares the crap out of Karkat and he tries to shrink into the wall. Poopsmell, however, isn't believing this and laughs at Kankri, who then turns his gaze over to himself. Poopsmell can feel the flames in the Seer's eyes burning through his immortal body. And before he can do anything, Kankri is in his face. Flames staring into blue. He lets Whoreface down as he concentrates completely on the Heir. He bares his razor-sharp teeth at the Heir, who cringes in newfound fear. The teeth threaten to sever the jugular vein of the human god before the owner is tackled to the ground by an angry Knight. "Don't fucking touch my matesprit," The Knight shouts as he rips the Seer garb almost to threads before he notices the maniacal smile back on the Seer's face.

"My work here is done," the Seer says before he crawls out from underneath the Knight of the same aspect.  


* * *

  
Adult Dirk glares at Adult Dave, who, and he will not admit this, startled the literal jizz out of him when he knocked on the door. Now he has wet underwear and an annoying somewhat-twin-yet-younger-adopted-bro-son to deal with. "What," Adult Dave asks when he notices the other glaring.

"We're trying to be ninjas, not kindly neighbors." Bro can't freaking believe Dave right now. But no matter how hard he tries, he can't get his mind off of the mess in his pants. He really hopes none of his bros find out about this. Otherwise they are never going to let him live this down.

"Hey, you're the one who said that we need to let them know that we aren't up to no good." Adult Dave makes his point clear and knocks on the door again. "Hello," he calls through the door as gently as he can manage. "We don't want any trouble. We just want to talk."

"Don't. Open. The door," Karkat whispers from under the covers.

"Why not," Kankri asks. "He seems nice."

Outside, Bro and Other Bro can hear the muffled conversation between the trolls. "Should we play Good Cop, Bad Cop," Other Bro asks.

"I will if I can be bad cop," Bro responds.

"Oh come on," Other Bro starts. "You couldn't play bad cop to save your own shitty sword. You are good cop."

"And what makes you say that," Bro asks as he joins Other Bro next to the door.

"The fact that you never murdered a juggalo double-presidency and fought an evil troll empress who owns a baking empire."

"But you lost that battle with the Batterwitch." Bro raises his eyebrows to show he has the upper hand.

"But you never fought her. Besides, she was immortal anyway. There was no possible way for me to win." Other Bro smiles and claims the part of bad cop.

"I'm just saying that the Striders might think that I just walked out on John and now might be wanting to kill me for it." Karkat tries to keep his voice as quiet as possible while still letting Kankri and Cronus hear.

"Karkat, you're being paranoid. Now, they seem nice enough, and you know them, and we're here to stop them if anything happens, so just calm down while I let them in, okay?" Kankri tries to be comforting.

"No!"

"Yeah, Karkat's definitely in there," Both Bros say in unison when they hear the irritated shout. There's no denying it. You just can't beat the Strider Bros. Nope. Never.

Never say never, right? Wrong.

Bro leans his face toward the door. "Karkat, come on out. We came here to take you back." For once, Bro is actually being honest.

"See, Karkat," Cronus says, "They aren't going to do anything."

"Yeah, well that's Dirk. He's a compulsive liar."

"Kk, shut it and open the door," Adult Dave shouts through. "Believe it or not, he's actually being truthful this time. We aren't going to do anything but take you home."

"Where's John," Karkat shouts from the other side. He ain't coming out unless John is there to control everything.

"We don't know, but Dave and the others are out hunting him down. We think he was kidnapped, or, well, trollnapped, I guess, and they went to get him back."

"So you aren't going to kill me?"

"We weren't sent by John's father, we were sent by Dave because he wanted his best bro to be happy when he got back. Although I don't see how John can be his best bro when I am literally an older version of him …"

"But you aren't interested in killing me?!"

"Well, you haven't done anything to us, so I don't really see any reason to."

"That's good enough reason for me to open the door," Kankri says, but Karkat is still nervous about it. He walks over to the door as Cronus lifts Karkat out of the bed. When Kankri opens the door, he is met with a Katana in his face. "Well, this is quite triggering …"

"Oh god, please, put the shitty swvord avway before you get him going," Cronus says.

"What," Dirk, who is the one holding up the sword, asks. "Why would I do that?"

"Because we aren't here to slice people up," Adult Dave responds.

"Well, I vwasn't meaning that, but that vworks too, I guess." Cronus drags a reluctant Karkat to the door where he's handed off to Other Bro. The humans and troll begin their journey back to the houses. Luckily they don't have very far to go before they come to the anime car that they hid in order to be more ninja-like. It comes complete with windows to match Bro's shades. How it's even legal is anyone's guess with that planet's strict laws.

The three creatures get in, but when Bro turns the key, he can't get his hand to turn it over completely and he fails to start the car. "Why isn't it starting," Adult Dave asks.

"I don't fucking know. It's like my hand doesn't want to turn all the way." Bro is just as confused, if not more, by this.

"Cronus, do you think that perhaps we should go with them," Kankri asks seconds after the other three leave.

"I don't knowv. Vwe could or vwe could just do our owvn thing for once," Cronus says as he lays himself down on the old, moldy mattress on the floor. "I need another cigarette … wait, why did I just say that?"

"I don't know, but something tells me that we should go with them." Suddenly Kankri's clothes turn into torn up Seer garb as his godhead merges back with his mortal body.

"I assume our job is complete," Cronus says, wide-eyed at the scene before him.

"Yeah, but what about you? You still look normal."

"Eh, you knowv me. I'm probably somewvhere up to no good. I say we just do what you vwant." Cronus gives a small smile.

"We're going," Kankri says before we catch up to the Striders, who are still trying to start the car. Without warning, two new members open the doors and climb in. when the doors shut, Dirk is suddenly able to turn his wrist the entire way and start the car.

"I hope I didn't trigger you by restricting your movements." Kankri gives a shy smile that Bro can see in the rear view mirror.

"Kankri, please shut up about triggers," Cronus says, annoyed. "No one cares."

"I care."

"Like he said," Adult Dave pipes up, "no one." That, of course, causes Kankri to rant the entire half-hour drive back to the Strider/Pyrope household. Just before they pull in the driveway, Karkat complains of an odd burning sensation around his face, chest, stomach, arms, and thighs. "You aren't coming down with another cold are you," Adult Dave asks. "You just got over the last one."

"I don't fucking—"

"Language, Karkitty," Adult Dirk says.

"Don't fucking call me that and I don't fucking care!" It sounds like the old Karkat that everyone has come to know and tolerate is back.

"Karkat, please calm down," Kankri says, shoosh papping the slightly smaller troll.

"Don't touch me!" Karkat shoves Kankri as far away from him as he can, but being that the two are right next to each other in a small car, is only about three inches. "It already burns and you touching it doesn't make it any fucking better!"

"Sorry, I was just trying to help." Kankri hops out of the car right after Cronus. When they all get Karkat into the house, Adult Dave gets burn cream out of the medicine cabinet.

"I don't know why you need it, but here it is if it'll make you feel better." Karkat goes to grab it out of his hand, but is stopped when the sensation becomes unbearably strong. He falls to the floor, writhing in pain as his body feels like the flesh is melting off the bone. Never in his life has he been in such pain. Kankri and Adult Dave escort him to the shower. Meanwhile, Adult Dirk's computer dings with a new message on pesterchum.

  


\-- _ [ ] began pestering Future timaeusTestified `[FTT]` at ??:?? --

  


: (`I trust that young Karkat has begun suffering by now?`)

FTT: Who the fuck is this?

: (`Just confirm my all-knowing knowledge now so I can go along with the rest of my daily routine.`)  
: (`Bark.`)  
: (`Meow.`)  
: (`Grrrr.`)  
: (`I do apologize for that.`)  
: (`Sometimes I lose control. You know because I am part dog, cat, and cue ball.`)  
: (`Look at me; I'm turning into you.`)

FTT: That better not have been an insult.

: (`It may have been.`)

FTT: Whatever. What do you want?

: (`I want you to tell me that Karkitten [grrrr{sorry.}] has begun suffering by means of psychic entanglement.`)

FTT: Whatever the fuck that means.

: (`Language, Dirk.`)

FTT: Shut up.

: (`I'm not even talking. I'm typing.`)

FTT: Same difference.

: (`The two actions are completely different. There is nothing similar about it. Just confirm my knowledge already.`)

FTT: About what?

: (`That Karkat has begun to feel intense pain. I do believe I have typed that three times now.`)

FTT: Yes, okay? He has. How do you know this?

: (`That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.`)

  


\-- _ [ ] ceased pestering Future timaeusTestified` [FTT]` \--

  
What just happened? Adult Dirk figures he'll probably never know, so he resumes doing what he was doing before he had to go on this rescue mission, and what he does best—filming smuppet porn. He's late to upload a new video. His fans are probably pissed by now. 


	30. Chapter 29

Seriously, what the fuck was that? Who was that guy and how did he know about Karkat? Is he like, some sort of stalker? All these questions are floating through Bro's mind. In fact, he can barely even shoot his puppet porn because he can't get that little incident out of his mind. Now see, if Dave was here, he would just tell Bro that he's retarded and Bro would forget about everything and have no problem at all.

But what he doesn't know is that Dave would also be able to tell him who the fuck pestered him.

Back in Spades's bed, John suddenly feels sweet relief from his burns. The burn cream did nothing to help the feeling and the bandages only trapped the heat in, making it worse. But suddenly, it feels better.

Because of this, the sensation, by means of psychic entanglement, is relayed back to Karkat. Unfortunately, when it's relayed, it's also amplified, so Karkat then begins to feel like he's stuck in the South Pole. Thus he begs to be taken out of the shower.

Suddenly, the good feeling is gone and John begins to feel burning pain again. For now, we'll just leave these two so they can attempt to figure out what's wrong and go check up on someone else … let's say … **let me think for a second (*Reader takes eyes off of the screen for a ludicrous amount of time)** … Casey.

* * *

  
Jake has been chasing the decade-old girl now for almost a half hour. She's been running around in a freaking circle the entire time, and then sees that the adult Striders are home. She decides to ditch the boy chasing her … mainly because it's a little creepy at this point, and takes a detour while he still can't see her around the corner. She gets up to the anime car just in time to duck out of sight when Jake rounds the corner of the road and makes his way past the Strider/Pyrope household for the umpteenth time now. The poor sap has no idea … and neither does Jake about what awaits Casey behind the closed doors of the Strider house.

Casey decides to run inside and get some refreshments and rest because, you know, she's been running for like an hour straight without stopping. When she opens the door, she unwittingly traps Kankri behind it. The troll is triggered a little too much to respond in any way at the current point, so he just stands there like an idiot while the girl speed walks past and into the kitchen, where she encounters Adult Dave. Somehow, she has yet to realize that Dave and Adult Dave are the same exact freaking person. How? I don't know. And neither do you. They exchange hellos … yeah, teenage Dave doesn't say hello. That's probably why she doesn't see it … and Adult Dave is back off into another room with a crapload of burn cream. She, of course, wonders why he would need it, considering the two striders are too skilled to ever need something like that, and forgets about it. Yeah, she has a very small mind.

Casey's been to the Strider house several times, so she knows her way around. She grabs a cup, some ice, and some water out of the sink and drinks it, but doesn't finish before a burn cream-covered Karkat walks into the room. At first, Casey starts laughing. That is, until Karkat starts chewing her ass off about it. "Casey! Don't you dare fucking laugh at me! I am in extreme, fucking pain and all you do is laugh?! If you're going to do anything, you can fucking stay and help!" oh crap, it's Karkat, otherwise known as "daddy's grumpy boyfriend". Unfortunately, Casey learned that he's a troll, and the whole incident with the troll that looked just like him on the bus ride back home doesn't help the situation. So, instead of helping out, she screams in terror and throws her glass at him, effectively disorienting him by knocking him in the head. Bro and Other Bro rush into the room to see what's wrong, followed by Cronus and a triggered Kankri. This causes Casey to scream, "There's more?!" and flip the fuck out. Jake, who was just passing the house, hears this. Seriously, with a shriek like that it wouldn't be surprising if everyone in a ten freaking mile radius is able to hear it. He turns on a dime and runs for the house. When he runs inside, He searches around, but finds no one … until he decides to follow the screams and head into the kitchen, where Bro and Other Bro are trying to restrain Casey and calm her the fuck down. The fact that Kankri is showing as much razor-sharp teeth as possible while chewing her ass off for harsh judgment and neglect is entirely irrelevant. So, he gets out his phone and texts Viceroy.

Do i have to bring casey back?

Yes.

Cant i just leave her here with the striders and a few trolls?

I would prefer my alter ego be here with us.

Why again?

I never said why. Just bring her back.

Fine. Whatever.

Okay, so he has to somehow find a way to—

"English! You aren't doing anything, so come blow me!" Okay, that could've been worded better.

* * *

  
Meanwhile, back somewhere out of state, the rest of the kids and trolls, save Dirk and Sollux, are trying their best to stay awake. Well, Rose is, anyway. She, being the only one with the guts to drive faster than the speedometer can measure is the only one she's willing to allow to drive. There's just one problem though—They aren't real sure where the Midnight Crew Headquarters is, so they're taking a wild guess, and apparently are correct, because somewhere in the city that they are currently in, I forget the name of it, is the HQ, or, at least, they're base. At this point in time, it is quite surprising that Rose is even alive, given the fact that she's downed three Five Hour Energies, two Red Bulls (they didn't give her wings, otherwise they would be there by now), four Monsters, and twelve Frogbuck's coffees. The last thing she needs to do now, and probably won't be able to for the next three weeks, is sleep. As of right now, they are at a rest stop … again. Drinking all those coffees have made Rose have to empty out her bladder at least once every fifteen minutes. Kanaya has insisted she just sticks in a "tampon" as Rose calls them because they're so absorbent, but Rose insists it's not that time of the month yet. Kanaya still doesn't know what exactly they're for if not for this exact reason.

Apparently Dave has a gift for spotting black carapacians. As everyone is just getting back in the van, he spots a slick black vehicle drive past. When he looks inside, he sees the driver stare back, probably because Dave is wearing shades at dusk. But he's pretty sure it looks like one of those black chess people from the Game. "Rose, floor it and follow that car!"

"Got it." Rose does as he says and floors it.

"Wait until I'm in the fucking minivan first," Dave yells as he tries to hop in without letting go of the oh shit bar. It was given that name for a reason. And now, Dave knows that reason.

"Sorry," Rose says, but it sounds insincere. It must be the Strider genes.

"Uh huh," Dave replies as he climbed into the minivan and shuts the door. "Just chase after that car up there."

"Which one," Rose asks.

"The slick black one," Dave says and Rose, once again, floors it. This time with Dave in the automated transportational vehicular device.


	31. Chapter 30

They follow the black vehicle for about fifteen minutes before it pulls into the driveway of a rather nice-looking building a little ways outside of the city. It looks more like a vacation home than a base, but when the vehicle's occupant walks out, they know they're at the right place. After a total of fifteen hours thirty-seven minutes and seventeen seconds, the kids have finally arrived at their destination. And they show their excitement for finding John's location by agreeing to remember where this place is and check into a hotel for the night. John can wait twelve more hours. Everyone else needs some rest after traveling for such a long time to rescue his sorry ass and take it back. Seriously, the boy must think that they all should wait on him hand and foot because of his dilemma. No fucking thank you.

They put the address into the GPS so they can find this place tomorrow and head back to town. They saw a hotel that looks rather luxurious on their way through the city. It's even better on the inside. All they have to do is tell the people at the front desk that they are the mortal gods and they get free rooms for as long as they want. The concierge, of course, being skeptical as she is, asks why exactly they need to be here.

"Well, we are on a very important trip and need to crash here for the night," Dave replies. The concierge accepts this, but decides to keep an eye on the group, you know, just to make sure that they are who they say that they are.

"Dave, I wonder if our father has found Karkat yet," Rose says as she opens the door to her and Kanaya's room. That's the first time she's called Bro "their father" and actually meant it. She never did see him as a father figure, or any sort of possible parental figure for that matter, but she guesses it beats two drunkard older versions of her and her now sober for several months same-age-as-her mother.

"I don't know. I can ask him real fast, given he'll even answer. Who knows, at this point he's probably filming his smuppet porn." Dave cringes at the sheer thought of smuppets, let alone porn involving them. He grew out of that stage when he realized that Li'l Cal was creepy as fuck.

  


\-- turntechGodhead `[TG]` began pestering Future timaeusTestified `[FTT]` at 19:23 --

TG: so you have Karkat yet  
TG: i take it youre either filming stuff or just not feeling like answering  
TG: seriously you cant just leave me hangin here  
TG: its like  
TG: i dont even know you anymore  
TG: youre just all up and ignorin the shit outta me anymore  
TG: it aint like you  
TG: so i guess im just gonna be depressed and feeling neglected here and milk this for attention because i can

FTT: Oh shut the fuck up. I couldn't get to the damn computer.

TG: uh huh

FTT: Yes, we have Karkat, who is complaining of severe burns, though he feels fine. Unfortunately, we also have Casey, whose flipping the fuck out, and your potential future brother-in-law is molesting Karkat and not even bothering to help us at all. So as you can see, I'm pretty fucking busy to be talking.  


FTT: Just go get your friend and all that shit and leave us to this.  


\-- Future timaeusTestified `[FTT]` logged the fuck out --

  
"So apparently emotions can travel between two identical people," Dave says as soon as the conversation is ended.

"And why is that," Rose asks as she walks out of the bathroom in her pajamas.

"Because I think Bro's annoyed with Jake. He didn't even call him Jake. Just 'your potential future brother-in-law'."

"I'm sure it's nothing. Now you better be getting to bed. We all have to get up in the morning."

"With what all you've had to drink I would think that you'll be up until morning." The two exchange giggles and Dave goes to his own room.

Jake can only hope that Karkat didn't mean what he said. "Uh ... what," he asks nervously.

"I said fucking blow me! Is that clear?!" Karkat wipes the burn cream off as painlessly as he can because it isn't working. He looks back over at Jake and glares at him. "Did you not fucking here me?! Get the fuck over here!"

Jake nervously walks over to the ailing troll and gets on his knees. He closes his eyes because, well, he doesn't want to watch himself do this, an puts his mouth on the troll' crotch and begins to suck. This causes Karkat to jump ten feet in the air. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I'm just doing what you said." Jake backs away. The two Bros look over at the two. Of course, they only did this after Casey screamed at the sight of Jake getting a little too friendly with her daddy's grumpy boyfriend. She vomits when the two Bros look away.

"Dave, take her in the other room," Bro says, to which Other Bro gladly does.

"You humans are disgusting! Since when does 'blow' mean 'suck on my fucking genitalia'?!" Karkat glares at the embarrassed adventurer, who just backs away more. "I said 'blow'," he says, waving his hands around his body, "as in 'I'm burning so cool me off'!"

Jake, just now remembering he felt something slimy move around in his mouth for that short time, puts up a finger and runs to the bathroom and proceeds to vomit his entire insides.

In the living room, a scarred Casey asks Other Bro what the literal fuck was happening in the kitchen. Other Bro thinks for a little bit. "We'll, when two people ... uh ... love each other ... uh ... they uh ... do ... uh ... things," he says after a couple minutes. "You know what? You'll learn all about it in a few years when you get into high school." They hear a ding in Bro's room. "Bro, you got a message," Adult Dave shouts into the kitchen, where Bro is busy cleaning up Casey vomit. They hear another ding, followed by another "Bro!" and another, and another, and so on. Thus, we witness a conversation that we already witnessed earlier in the chapter. But the characters don't know that.

* * *

  
If only John and Dirk knew that their boyfriends are unwittingly cheating on them with each other ... Dirk would escape the hospital and slice Jake in half and John would, well, I don't know. He doesn't really want to hurt Karkat, but the troll just got a freaking blowjob from his biological father. That can't be acceptable. But it was only the effect of a misunderstanding with an awkwardly worded demand, so maybe that nulls it? Oh well, they don't know and no one wants them to find out. But Spades will require an explanation when he finds his mattress soaked with a bucketful of genetic material. John's still getting used to the new sensitivity of the thing that is his tentadick. Both of them, apparently.

Watching this made Ms. Paint remember that her minivan still needs cleaned, so she hunts down Diamonds Droog. She finds him in his room attempting to kick Eggs out. "Diamonds," she says happily.

"What?" Diamonds turns around. He's the only one out of the entire bunch of carapacians and leprechauns that has full control over the way his emotions are expressed. He's allowing some of his annoyance to get through, but only enough to thwart any of Ms. Paint's plans for him. She can see damn well how busy he is.

"I need you to do something for me—if it's not too much trouble." Ms. Paint smiles at him that warm, loving smile she's known for.

"I'm kind of busy right now—"

"Let me rephrase that: It isn't too much trouble and you're going to do it." And there goes the smile. No one does the opposite of what Ms. fucking Paint wants them to do.

"Do I have much of a choice?"

"You don't have a choice at all." And the smile is back, but it's more mischievous than anything. Diamonds gives an annoyed face and goes out to her van. He opens the door which activates the dome light, revealing the mess all over the passenger side seat and floor. This better not be what he thinks it is. He puts his finger on it and licks it off. Yep. It's either melted blueberry slushy or blue-blooded troll genetic material. Gog how he hopes it isn't the latter. That would just be disgusting on so many different levels, not to mention running the risk of contracting some sort of troll STD. It needs not be mentioned twice, but he will mention it again anyway. Gog how he hopes it isn't genetic material.

He uses a little indicator thing that he invented on the stain. It's supposed to detect all things troll. When it's done scanning the stuff, it spits out an answer. He dry heaves when he sees that it's the genetic material, but after tasting it, he decides that he wouldn't mind blowing a blue-blooded troll. Just so long as it's a more feminine troll. But that's still disgusting. He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number that will never be posted. There's an answer and he responds. "Yeah, I need a new seat and passenger side flooring for a minivan … Well, I don't know the model … It's a white fucking minivan … Year? What the fuck is a year? … Uh, it's a seven. What does that mean? … Whatever the fuck that means … So, if it can mean multiple years, then how do you know which one it is? … Well, no, it doesn't look all that old … Yeah, ha ha fucking ha. Just get out here with the stuff and replace it … Address? … Oh, uh, 413 Lowas Lane … Uh huh … I'm actually supposed to be cleaning this, but this is a lot easier so, yeah … Well fuck you too, sideways. Just get out here." Thus, he hangs up the phone and waits … and waits … and waits … and waits some more until he falls asleep.

* * *

  
Viceroy and Jane laugh at the others' stupidity. "So you're telling me that Dave actually thought you believed him," Jane asks.

"Yes, though I saw right through it." They both laugh some more. "The idiot thought that I thought he knew that Casey and I separated upon entering the universe!" They tap their glasses together and take another drink. Jane and Dad keep stocked on wine and rum. You'd be surprised at how much they cook with alcohol.

"So Rose actually knew," Jane asks.

"Unintentionally, yes. See, she never found out that Casey and I were the same exact salamander. Jake was the same way. Dave knew, but forgot that she and I separated." They both laugh some more.

"I can't wait to see their faces when they find out you knew all along!"

"Well, it's kind of hard not to know when you can read minds, dear!" Viceroy holds up his glass to be topped off, which Jane gladly takes the hint and tops her off as well. She is almost drunk. Viceroy is using his powers to keep himself from getting drunk. None to Crocker's knowledge, this is his intention. It's the only way to keep peace between her and Casey for the time being.

"You know, I gots ta hand it to you, you are quite the joker!" Her speech is beginning to become weird. Just a few more glasses and she should be out like a light.


	32. Chapter 31

“John, you haven’t eaten your soup yet,” Ms. Paint complains. Seriously, it’s like he can’t even move his severely burnt, bandaged arms to his face, which only has the mouth exposed. On top of that he’s unconscious. The boy is completely helpless. He can’t do anything.

Nevertheless, Ms. Paint took an oath to treat him like the child she never had but always wanted. She pulls a chair up next to the bed and sits down. Taking the spoon out of the soup, she lifts his head and puts it against his barely exposed mouth. He doesn’t open his mouth to sip the soup, so she shakes him in an attempt to wake him up, but her attempts fail. She goes to an emergency supply cabinet and gets out an air horn. They keep one just in case they might need it to, let’s say, attract much needed attention in the event that the flare gun doesn’t work. She points the horn at John, keeping it about five feet from him, and presses the button. The horn is proven to work, and John jumps slightly at the sound. Ms. Paint notices this and sits back down to talk and feed him. 

“Well, now that you’re awake, it’s time to eat your soup. She gives him a warm, loving smile as she puts the spoon back up to his mouth yet again, only to find that he doesn’t take it … again. “Spades,” she shouts, getting up and running out the room. “Spades!” she nearly runs into him when he rounds the corner at the end of the hallway.

“What the fuck do you want?!”

“I can’t get the troll to wake up!” Paint drags him to his room. His eyes widen at the sight. A puddle of blue genetic material is pooled around the upper thighs and derriere of the troll on his bed. He clenches his fists, trying to keep from ripping its head off. 

“Spades, what do I do?” Ms. Paint is becoming more and more frantic with each second that passes. 

“You clean up the mess on my bed,” Spades responds with a scowl deforming his face. 

“No, about the troll!”

“You throw it out on the street where it belongs.”

“I can’t get him to wake up!” Ms. Paint turns Spades to face her and looks into his eyes. 

“I don’t fucking care as long as the mess on my bed gets cleaned up,” Spades replies through clenched teeth and leaves.  
John wonders why he can’t move, well, why he can barely move, anyway. He also wonders why his breathing has slowed down dramatically. He can’t talk, he can’t see, he can barely move—only perhaps a millimeter at a time, if that, etc. But he can hear, and that air horn was uncalled for, he thinks. It was also good because it allowed him to be able to move quite a bit compared to what he’s been, if involuntarily. He wonders why Ms. Paint is so frantic. After all, he is awake and perfectly aware of what’s happening, but she keeps saying he wont wake up. Perhaps it has something to do with whatever she was holding against his lips.  


* * *

  
Two states over, Karkat suddenly hears a loud, obnoxious horn in his right ear. It makes him bend over, holding his ear. Jake has since returned from vomitpalooza and saw the troll bent over, holding his ear in pain, and goes over to help. When he stands Karkat up, the troll opens his eyes and begins panicking. “I can’t see!”

Other Bro runs in the room to see what’s wrong. Jake is holding Karkat up and the latter is shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. He walks up to the naked troll and puts his hand on his shoulder. Karkat jumps away, startled at the unexpected sensation. He looks in the general direction of the hand that touched him, but sees darkness. Behind the shades, Other Bro gives a questioning look before his phone alerts him of a new message.  


\-- _ [ ] began pestering Future turntechGodhead `[FTG]` at 20:00 --

  


: (`Please tell Karkat [Grrrr! {I’m terribly sorry about that.}] that he shouldn’t be worried about himself.`)

FTG: what?

: (`Tell the red-blooded troll to worry about John and not himself. It’s only an effect of the curse that he unwittingly put upon the human. An effect that I had previously forgotten to mention to John …`)

FTG: what are you talking about?

: (`It’s called psychic entanglement. It’s kind of like quantum entanglement but with people. What one experiences the other does as well. John had an air horn blown in his face, therefore Karkat [Grrrrrrr! {I hope this isn’t bothering you.}] experienced a loud, obnoxious noise in his ear as well. John can’t see, therefore Karkat can’t as well.`)

FTG: yeah i dont know what that whole quantum entanglement thing is

: (`When two atoms or subatomic particles become entangled, what happens to one happens to the other instantaneously. They could be all the way across the universe and the reaction would still be instantaneous. If one encounters antimatter and is annihilated, the other one is annihilated as well, even though it never encountered anything to cause it. It’s quite simple really.`)

FTG: okay and this means what to me

: (`Try “what does this mean for all of us?” Well, it means that John, because he is blind right now, can’t see anything, but he can hear everything. And he can hear every major sound that Kar—I mean his matesprit [See how I avoided growling there?] hears as well.`)

FTG: okay im not following

(`Use the psychic entanglement to communicate with John. It’s that simple, David.`)

FTG: my name is dave

: (`I don’t care. I will formally call you David because that’s just the person I am. If you have a problem with it, well boo hoo. It isn’t my problem, so I don’t have to deal with it.`)

FTG: whatever

: (`I have now said what I must say, and now it is time for you to do what you must do, which I hope you can infer by our conversation … if you are intelligent enough to infer anything.`)

  


\-- _ [ ] ceased pestering Future turntechGodhead `[FTG]` \--

  
Okay, that made absolutely no sense. What exactly is Bro and Other Bro supposed to do? Come on, First Guardian guy, you have to be more up front with these things when it comes to Dave, no matter which iteration of him you’re communicating with. No one ever accused him of being intelligent. “Bro,” Other Bro shouts.

“What,” is the response given from the bedroom. 

“What does this mean?!” Once again, no one ever accused Dave of having intelligence.

“I don’t fucking know! I can’t see ‘this!’”

“This!” Other Bro walks into the bedroom in which the other person’s yelling originated. Now, it is no surprise to anyone that Bro still films smuppet porn, but everyone thought he just did it at night. But when Other Bro walks in, he is mentally scarred by the sight before him. One smuppet is holding a small camera while two others sit on a small plush toy bed with one’s nose up the other’s derriere. And he thought he hated smuppets before, not to mention Bro is in skintight briefs. That’s one case of moose knuckle that Dave, in any iteration, doesn’t need to see. “… This,” he says, throwing his phone on Bro’s bed and quickly walking out. He doesn’t bother turning around. 

When Other Bro leaves, Bro doesn’t even bother closing the door. He goes over and picks up the former’s phone off the bed and looks at the screen. He reads over the conversation that we had just witnessed. Some creeperish stalker must be following them around because he recognizes it as the same text and everything of that person that pestered him earlier. But the message is clear: use loud noises, bright lights, and everything else to communicate with John. How can Dave not know this? It’s typed right here in the hex code #ffffff. Of course, he might not have highlighted enough if he didn’t understand. But then again, it is Dave, so anything is possible.

Bro puts his clothes back on and heads out to the living room, where Other Bro and Jake have gotten Karkat to calm down a little and sit. The troll is still shaking, though. When Bro gets over to Karkat, he claps his hands next to the troll’s ear. The clap is loud enough and unexpected that everyone in the room, save Bro himself, jumps at it. Back two states over, John jumps at the sudden loud noise in his ear, which surprises Ms. Paint, who jumps as well. “John, are you okay,” she asks shyly.

“Aahhh!”

“Karkat, what’s wrong,” Jake asks.

“The voice!”

“What voice?”

“The voice in my fucking head!” Karkat gets in Jake’s face, well, he thinks he does, and he does, almost head butting the boy. 

“Karkat,” Bro says, gently holding on to the troll’s wrist, “tell us what the voice is saying.”

“I don’t fucking know! It’s just a mumble! I can’t make out anything!” The troll panics. Jake and Other Bro restrain him. 

Two states away, John can hear Jake and Bro talk. He thinks he must be slipping into a dream. He can’t move, can’t talk, can’t do anything but breathe. He feels like he’s dreaming until he hears Bro say something else, which attracts his attention: “John, if you can hear me, do something to prove it.” Why does it catch his attention? Well, Bro never calls John by his name. He always just refers to him as “Dave’s friend,” for reasons that are unexplained. He always felt like the elder Striders hated him for some reason, But he could never put his finger on it considering that their younger iterations seem to adore him and constantly vie for his attention, though Dirk does have his biological father as a boyfriend. He still has no idea. 

The Striders, Casey, and Jake wait for something out of Karkat for a few minutes, but nothing happens. “Well, I guess he can’t hear us.”

I can hear you just fine. I just can’t do anything! 

“Aaaahh!” Karkat panics yet again at this new voice. It seems irritated.

“Karkat, what is it now? Another voice,” Adult Dirk asks. 

“Yes!” The troll glares in Bro’s general direction. 

“Well, what does it say?” Dirk doesn’t glare at Karkat because he understands that the troll feels like he is going insane, unlike Dave, who gives Karkat the stink eye.

“It says I’m going fucking mental!”

John can’t understand what the voices’ problems are. He’s communicating with the voices in his head and one doesn’t hear him? How does that work?

“Karkat, listen to me,” Bro begins. “You aren’t going crazy. According to this weird stalker guy that’s been pestering us,” he points to himself and Other Bro, “this is an effect of the curse? Whatever that means. Apparently it’s called psychic entanglement and whatever John is experiencing, you are as well, and vice versa.” He’s kneeling in front of the troll because of a lack of chairs and other places to sit. They really need to go to a furniture store sometime soon. 

Okay, so either John is hallucinating the voices, or he’s actually hearing some of the others communicate from two states away in his head. But it’s getting late and he’s getting tired, though he has no idea whether or not he’s asleep, since he can’t see anything and it has suddenly fallen completely silent. He decides to relax and let whatever happens happen.  


* * *

  
Morning comes fast for the Midnight crew, well, all except Spades, Diamonds, and Ms. Paint. It comes slowly for John, the rest of the kids, and the trolls, except for Gamzee, who we have yet to hear from since about two days ago. Thinking back to chapter 17, it is known that he ran away with his new matesprit, who he hit it off with after that whole ‘everyone is missing’ thing after they all went to see the First Guardian. It is time for a checkup. 

Gamzee and the apparently nameless Gas Station Clerk are a perfect match for each other. Both are stoners, both have best friends that they left behind completely, and both need anger management when they are sober. They took an instantaneous liking to each other, and it’s unclear to everyone except for the author of this masterpiece as to who popped the question first. They are currently on route to Frog Vegas to get hitched in a drive thru chapel. We’ll leave it at that and get back to the main group. 

Dave’s alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m., effectively waking him up to get ready to go. He is the only one up, and it would surprise anyone if he snuck off before everyone else gets up to go get John just because best bros don’t leave best bros behind. And he and Dirk tend to vie for John’s affection—CRAP! He means attention—CRAP AGAIN! He means BROSHIP. Yeah, that’s it. 

Dave hops in the shower. When he gets out, Terezi still lies in the same spot in her bed as she was when he got in a half hour earlier. He cares so much about finding John (in a completely platonic way, of course) that he doesn’t even bother combing his hair in his typical style and leaves it to settle back to a natural state on its own. ¬He thinks of leaving everyone behind, and even goes as far as walking out the door without his room key, only to remember that Rose has the keys to the minivan. Fortunately, Rose has always been an early riser, so she is most likely awake and getting ready to leave as well. All he has to do is knock on the door and calmly get her attention. And that’s exactly what he does—sort of.

“Rose! Open the fucking door! I got locked out of my room!” along with his shouting, he bangs on the door as well, effectively waking Rose and Kanaya, who were previously enjoying a peaceful slumber together. 

“Rose, go quiet down your annoying ecto-brother,” Kanaya says as she tries to get back to sleep, leaving Rose to do the dirty work herself. She gets up and sleepily answers the door.

“Thank fucking God, Rose! I’ve been waiting here for like, ever trying to get your attention!” Dave is beginning to remind her like a sassy thirteen year old girl. 

“Shut up and go back to bed. Some of us are trying to get some sleep before we continue our little journey,” Rose replies sleepily and shuts the door, only to have Dave stop it with his foot. 

“No, either you let me in or give me the keys.”

This is starting to piss Rose off. She knows that Dave can be a stubborn little fuck, but she had no idea he could be so determined on something. “Dave, I’m not going to give you the keys or let you in if you’re going to be so rude. Besides, it’s too dangerous to go alone and you don’t have your immortality. It’s better if we all go together.”

“No, I am a good fighter.”

“Is that why you’ve broken every sword you’ve ever owned?”

“Those were shitty katana swords. I don’t have those. Instead, I have fists.” He gives Rose and uncharacteristic smile. She absolutely hates it when he does that because it makes him look so cute and adorable and … no, Rose, don’t start this now. All that the readers need to know is that Dave’s uncharacteristic smile is impossible to resist.

Needless to say, she hands Dave the keys, but tells him that at least she is going with him. It isn’t one of her brighter ideas considering the fact that she still has to get ready, and by the time she’s finished and ready to go, Dave is gone. Well, he isn’t technically gone just yet as he is held up at the front door of the lobby. Apparently the hotel manager called a local news team and informed them that the mortal gods were staying there. The news team jumped on it immediately. Somehow all the other news teams found out, as well as magazines and tabloids. Dave was pointed out by the manager when he was trying to leave, and they all immediately swarmed around him, effectively trapping him. He is saved by his phone … sort of.

“Hello,” he asks into it, the media people not bothering to quiet down. The only way he can hear the person on the other end is because he or she is shouting.

“You idiot! I told you I was going with you and you up and fucking left without me!” It’s Rose. The only other time she lost her cool like this was when she went grimdark. 

“Yeah, I can’t really hear you all that well. People found out we were here and now I can’t even get through the doors.”

“Serves you right, asshole!” With that, the line dies. Rose hangs up without another word. Great. This is just perfect. What did Dave ever do to deserve this? That’s right. He left Rose for John … oh, yeah, that’s right. He left Rose to go get John. Yeah, that probably wasn’t his best decision. It wasn’t his worst either, so that kind of evens it out, he guesses. 

The crowd of media is thickest around the door, so he turns around and fights his way over to a chair. If he’s going to be trapped in one spot for several hours, he ain’t going to stand. As for everyone else, well, Rose woke them all up to watch Dave receive his comeuppance. Unfortunately, however, the abandoned knight spots them within minutes and points them out. The crowd looks up. Half of it leaves Dave to head up to the rest of the kids. The other half tries to interrogate Dave and get his autograph and everything. He takes this opportunity to get up and flash step his way through it to the door. The crowd follows him out to the minivan and gathers around it when he gets in. But Dave, being a Strider, isn’t going to put up with any of this crowd’s shit, so he puts the automated vehicular device into neutral and floors it, revving the engine and scaring the crowd enough for them to back away. He then puts it in reverse and floors it again, causing the minivan to jerk back. He exits the parking lot and heads toward the Midnight Crew’s base, media people in tow in their own automated vehicular devices. 

Dave speeds toward the base as fast as the minivan can go. He fails to turn the GPS on because he actually takes the time to remember these kinds of things, unlike the “intelligent,” flighty broad that calls herself “Rose.” He looks in the rearview mirror. No media vehicles. Whew, that is, until one pulls out right in front of him, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid it. After he regains control of the vehicle he floors it even farther than possible. The minivan speeds up, but only barely. He catches a ramp onto the interstate. “Sorry, John, but you’ll have to wait just a few more minutes,” he says to absolutely no one in particular considering that he’s completely alone in the minivan. Media vehicles follow him, and soon, so are state police. Fifteen minutes later, he takes another ramp. By pure chance, it happened to lead off onto Lowas Lane, the exact road that the Midnight Crew’s base is located on. He drives a few miles, with the police and media in tow, and finally reaches the base. He parks the minivan and gets out, hoping to get inside before anyone shows up, but is stopped by Diamonds at the door. 

“So, you finally decided to come?” Diamonds looks at Dave, not knowing that he’s here for John.

“Uh, yeah. My best bro is probably in there somewhere.” Dave looks past Diamonds, hoping the carapacian would take the hint that he needs to get inside like, right the fuck now. 

“So, you aren’t here to replace the seat?”

“What?”

“The seat in the minivan over there? You aren’t here to replace it?”

“No. Look, I’m here to get someone, and I’m being chased by a bunch of people, so if I could just go inside real quick—“

“Are you talking about the troll?”

“Uh … yes?”

“Please, take the damn creature and go then. He’s caused me nothing but problems ever since we took him!” Diamonds shoves Dave in the building and stays by the door, still waiting for the seat for the minivan. Thirty seconds later, media vans and police cars pull in. Media people go up to Diamonds, who gives them all the same treatment as he gave Dave, except for the fact that these people are annoying and he wants them to leave. The cops, however, refuse to leave.

Inside the building, Dave walks around, looking for something that would lead him to John. It’s only 6:45 a.m., so no one, save Diamonds, is awake. Or so he thinks. He walks around more, and more, and more. He honestly has no idea how big the place is. 

He walks around some more and finds the kitchen. Having never been a big breakfast person, he bypasses it completely. Almost. He instead stands in the center of it, staring at all the scorch marks and burned countertops and floor. There is a slightly visible outline of a person on the floor. The burned and melted laminate flooring outlining the figure. That can’t be a good sign. He hopes to the almighty troll Jegus that it isn’t John’s outline on the floor. He can’t bear the thought, so he leaves and starts traveling down the hall away from the distraction. He walks maybe twenty feet down when he hears a woman softly singing in another room. He puts his ear up to the door and listens closer. It sounds like she’s almost begging for someone to wake up. He knows he might get in trouble for this, but his hear is actually pretty big. So he slowly opens the door and walks in. Inside the room he sees a completely white carapacian holding the bandaged hand of a body on the bed. Though he can’t see the face of the figure, given it’s completely bandaged over, except for the mouth, he knows instantly that it’s John. He knows it’s John because of the lips. No, no, that’s not wrong … er, right. He means horns. Yeah, horns. That’s how he knows. He has no idea where you all got the idea that he knew by looking at the lips, and somewhat honestly, neither do I. 

A single tear falls from a red eye, and a blonde boy falls to his knees, alerting the carapacian of his presence.


	33. Chapter 32: Transformations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave, grow a pair and stop being so melodramatic.

`_No. No, no, no._` Dave can’t believe what he’s seeing. It’s like someone just stabbed him through his heart, but since he’s like, immortal in this weird little simile, he can’t die and he keeps on living with that hole just there, doing what a hole does best—being a hole that can only be fixed by a heart transplant, but he doesn’t want to do that because then it wouldn’t be his heart. He’s so taken aback by John being unconscious on the bed that he doesn’t notice Ms. Paint approaching him. “Uh, who are you,” she asks nervously. Instead of hearing her question, all he hears is Carrie Underwood’s song _Just a Dream_ playing in his head.

_Baby why'd you leave me_  
 _Why do you have to go?_  
 _I was counting on forever, now I'll never know_  
 _I can't even breathe_  
 _It's like I'm looking from a distance_  
 _Standing in the background_  
 _Everybody's saying he's not coming home now_  
 _This can't be happening to me_  
 _This is just a dream_

Instead of acknowledging Ms. Paint, he gets up and runs out the room, almost running into a half-awake Spades stumbling out of his room after a long night of semi-comfortable sleep. Spades glares as the human runs past and out of sight. There’s something familiar about him, but he just can’t put his carapaced finger on it. He’s too tired to care anyway. That is, until Ms. Paint runs into him chasing after the human, knocking both of them onto the floor.

“What the fuck, Paint?!” Yeah, he’s fully awake now.

“I’m sorry, Spades,” is all Ms. Paint says before she continues chasing after Dave. She has a feeling that he would’ve gone somewhere he could be alone, so she checks out back. Lo and behold, Dave had found his way out and was sitting some hundred feet away from the back door at the top of the terrace behind the building. His he was slouched over, paying attention to something in his hands, and definitely crying. She slowly walks up behind him, careful not to make any sounds to alert him of her presence. But, it is technically her place, after all. She gets up to him and looks over her shoulder with a sad look on her face. He’s texting one of his friends. She reads the conversation on his phone screen.  


  


\-- turntechGodhead `[TG]` began pestering tentacleTherapist` [TT]` at 6:50 --

  


TG: well i found john

TT: Oh good. Your douchebag efforts have paid off. I salute you in the highest honor.

TG: no rose this is serious i think john might be dead

TT: And what would give you that idea?

TG: he wasnt moving and some woman from the game was singing to him and trying to wake him up

TT: Dave, you’re overreacting.

TG: dont fucking tell me when im overreacting and when im underreacting and when im reacting  
TG: john is dead and i know it thats all there is to say

TT: Have you talked to the carapacian? Perhaps she could tell you for sure. I’m sure a carapacian would be smart enough to know that trying to wake up a dead person is a lost cause. He might just be in a deep sleep, or in a semi-worse case scenario, in a coma.

TG: what the fuck is even a coma

  


Just then, Dave is interrupted by Ms. Paint, who was somewhat stealthily reading the conversation between him and Rose. “A coma is when the body enters the lowest state of consciousness.” This causes Dave to jump about three feet in the air. “He isn’t dead, Dave.” Ms. Paint is boss. She can infer someone’s name by just reading a conversation, whereas Adult Dave can’t even infer to do something from a conversation, even though he was pretty much told exactly what to do. Come to think of it, John has been minimally responsive, so a coma just might be the explanation she’s been looking for. “Dave,” she says. The boy turns his head to her. She can see that the inside of his shades is wet, this is evident not just because the image behind is distorted, but because his tears fall out when he raises his head. “What relation are you to John?”

“I’m his boyfriend.” `_Wait, what? What the fuck did I just say? I hope I didn’t say what I thought I said._`

“Oh, okay. Do you want to see him?” Dave slowly nods his head. Ms. Paint helps him up and escorts him back to John’s … er … Spades’s room and sits him in the chair next to the bed where she was sitting. Dave reaches over and takes John’s hand, and using his best Karkat voice, he begins speaking. “J-John, it’s me,” he begins with a shaking voice. In the bed, John remains seemingly unconscious, but is aware of everything. He figures that Karkat must’ve changed completely. Perhaps the voice changed a little bit in the process. Beq did say that they would both know. I guess, well, now he does. He forces his own hand to take Dave’s, thinking the latter belongs to his matesprit’s. In the chair, Dave tears up as he feels John’s hand form a weak grip on his.  


* * *

* * *

  
“Um, Roxy,” Adult Rose shakes Roxy awake when she gets home after a near triple shift at her workplace. Original Roxy just tries to shake her away. She can damn well see that she’s trying to get some sleep. But this doesn’t work. “Roxy!” Adult Roxy jumps slightly at the yell. She looks up sleepily at the Rose clone.

“Whaaaaaat?” She has a hangover and really doesn’t want to talk. What could possibly be so important?

“Where’s the minivan?” Adult Rose places her hands on her hips and glares at the original Mom.

“In the shop getting fixed.” Mom pauses and thinks. “Wait, was I supposed to go pick it up?”

“No, I was talking about your minivan. Where is it?”

“Uh, out in the driveway? Where else would it be?”

“Uh, not in the driveway,” Other Mom responds, mocking Mom’s tone. 

“Well, I don’t know then. Go away and let me sleep this hangover off.” Mom waves Other Mom away, or tries to, at least. 

“You know what? I’m taking a stand. I’ve had enough. Here I am, working my ass off, working near triple shifts, and you get to stay here and drink until you fall flat on your ass and then get rewarded by being able to sleep off a hangover all day long the next day. From now on, this is an alcohol-free house!” Other Mom has had enough of Mom’s bullshit. Typically, when Rose says something, she means it. This determination has traveled with her into adulthood in Other Mom’s reality, and most likely will in the original reality. She goes into the kitchen and gathers all the alcohol and alcoholic stuff. For the next however long it takes to kick an alcohol addiction, they won’t even have things that are cooked with alcohol. This includes their favorite dessert items—canelés. She puts everything in her car and drives it over to the Egbert/Crocker household, where she hands it over to Viceroy, who seems overly happy to receive the gift, and leaves. No questions were asked. Just a simple “Thank you,” and “You’re welcome,” is exchanged. After that she heads back home, get’s Mom up again, and makes sure she stays up by giving her a bullshit list of things to do, and heads to bed herself. After working for a near twenty-four hours straight, she needs sleep.  


* * *

* * *

  
Here he was, feeling all nice and relaxed, listening to the soft sound of a woman singing in his head, almost seeming to beg John to wake up, and feeling the soft caress of her hand on his, and all of a sudden, it stops for a few minutes. It resumes again after what he assumes to be about five or so minutes. This time, it’s just holding his hand, or John’s, or he’s just imagining it. But it feels more like flesh rather than a surprisingly soft carapace. He hears a voice that sounds oddly familiar. It has the same growl that he typically has, but it’s a little higher than his. He can’t place a finger, or claw on it, but it sounds so familiar. It’s clearly addressing John, but he could just be imagining it. Suddenly, it feels as though his hand closes a little around this other person’s, but when he touches his other hand to it, it’s completely open. 

He begins to enjoy the sensation. After a few minutes, he feels a pair of soft lips touch his, and though he knows he’s alone in the living room of the Strider/Pyrope household, he’s sure that someone is either kissing him, or he’s imagining it. The bliss doesn’t last for long, however. All of a sudden, he feels as though someone took a ten-pound sledgehammer to his abdomen. His teeth feel become wider and dull, making his mouth feel tighter. He can feel his skin crawl as it thins up and becomes several shades lighter, eventually becoming pale white, almost albino. His claws fall off his fingers, exposing nerve endings and bones and it’s painful. Jane stabbing him in the chest with her three-pronged fork wasn’t as painful as this. His chest feels tighter, and a sharp pain shoots through it and his left arm. He’s read somewhere that this is an important symptom of a vascular pump attack, but before he can cry out, his vocal cords tighten tremendously, causing his throat pain, and losing him the ability to speak. 

His horns retract into his skull, and it feels like they literally retract _into_ it. He feels like if it doesn’t stop it could damage his brain, but the horns disappear. They become actual parts of the skull itself and not just bumps protruding from it. All the while his insides transform. Everything becomes squishier, and he can feel it. He can feel his chitinous windhole move around and expand a little bit, turning into a human “trachea”. His protein chute follows suit, turning into a human “esophagus”. He grows tonsils, which, by the way John explained it after he had them taken out just a few months ago, are useful for only catching infection. His eyes transform as well. This is one of the most painful transformations he’s experienced so far in this few seconds. It feels like someone is reaching into his eye sockets and pulling them out without removing any nerves, cutting them open, replacing the lenses, sewing them back shut, playing around with them, molding them into different shapes, and finally forcing them back into their sockets. When he opens them, he can see again. But the transformation isn’t yet over. It proceeds for another ten seconds, the pain getting worse and worse with each second that passes. Near the end he feels as though it will kill him, but it’s over as quickly as it started—like a charley horse. He shakes off the experience and gets up, this time as a complete human. He doesn’t realize yet that he’s not a troll anymore. He just sits in silence. He can’t talk, can barely move because the transformation was so exhausting, and he can no longer feel any of the feelings he felt before. No more soft caresses, no more soft lips on his, no more holding hands, but he could’ve swore that before it all started, it felt like he was crushing whosever hand it was that was supposedly in his.

  


Dave knows this is so wrong. It’s so wrong on so many different levels. Why did he even say that? He isn’t John’s boyfriend no matter how long he fantasizes about it—by which he means he _doesn’t_ fantasize about it. No, that would just be creepy. It would make him seem desperate and uncool—two things which Striders never were, never are, and never will be, so get that idea out of your head. But John just looks so helpless just lying there, possibly in a coma—no, scratch that—definitely in a coma, and he looks like he could use some genuine affection to help him through it. After all, he must think that Dave is Karkat. He is pretending to be the troll, so maybe John won’t notice any difference between the two different types of lips …

The sweet kiss, or so Dave thinks it is, anyway, is quickly and abruptly ended by John’s almost unconscious body suddenly tensing up. His hand doesn’t let go of Dave’s, however. Instead, it does something worse—it tightens its grip. Dave clenches his teeth, trying to stop from screaming out. Seriously, John’s suddenly tight grip hurts. Instead, he lets go, hoping that John would somehow take the hint and let go as well, but he doesn’t. John’s grip keeps tightening as the pain that he’s feeling increases. As it tightens, Dave begins try to pull his hand away, but to no avail. He manages to get just his fingers caught, but suddenly, the pain in them increases dramatically and both he and Ms. Paint next to him can hear a few small crunches. His eyes widen behind his shades as a horrifying realization hits him: John just broke his fingers. He clenches his teeth tighter in order to not scream, but his teeth begin to hurt and he lets it all out. John’s body tenses more and lets go, apparently done holding Dave’s hand, or it could just be that John realized he Dave was kissing him and decided that that was enough punishment for the blonde’s crime. What both of them don’t realize, however, is that it was Karkat who was unintentionally doing it. In reality, John hadn’t realized Dave was the only one there until he screamed, and that scream was definitely too high for it to have come out of any spot on Karkat’s body. Instead of feeling anger, or anything else, he drifts off to sleep. 

Several minutes later, The rest of the kids, save Dirk, and plus Terezi and Kanaya, show up. “Oh my gog, I thought Jack was about to kill us,” Roxy says as they enter the bedroom, “but then he just pointed us the way to the room and said ‘take it.’” She gives a shy laugh before Rose looks over and notices Dave cringing and holding his hand in pain.

“What happened,” She asks.

“Uh—” Ms. Paint begins, before Dave rudely interrupts her

“Nothing. Now can someone take me to a hospital?” He takes off his shades with this left hand, the not-broken hand, and looks into everyone’s eyes to show that he’s completely dead serious, and to show that he’s in pain—something a Strider should never show. Bro, Other Bro, and Dirk would be in so much disapproval of what he’s doing. They’ll probably have a mega-strife in store for him when they all get back just because he’s going to show up with a cast. 

“Uh, I wish to inquire exactly what happened— ”

“Rose, just shut the fuck up and take me to a goddamn hospital!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I actually made canelés for a project in French class and everyone loved them. It's actually not that hard to do.


	34. Chapter 33

“Dave, why, exactly, is your hand broken?” Rose sits in the emergency room next to Dave’s bed, glaring at him and waiting for an answer. The two are waiting for the x-ray to come back. 

“I, uh … well, it’s not important.” Dave tries his best to avoid answering the question. Why would he want to tell that he was holding John’s hand and kissing him when he knows all too well that the latter is in a relationship? That’s just stupid. John would probably hate him and Karkat would probably kill him. No, that last part is silly; Karkitten couldn’t possibly hurt anything. 

“Dave, I just want to know. Was it after you messaged me, panicking that John was dead?” Rose looks at him questioningly. What she doesn’t know is that he gave the doctors a reason when he went in for the x-ray, and he can’t remember what that reason is. 

“Uh, yeah,” he manages, but only barely. Seconds later, the doctor walks in with a couple of black sheets and a clipboard. He puts the black sheets over a light and shows Dave and Rose the x-rays. 

“Well, by the way the fingers are scrunched together, I don’t think you are telling us the truth, Mr. Strider,” the doctor says in an accusing tone. Rose looks back over at her ecto-brother, with an even more questioning look. “Dave, why is your hand shaped like that, exactly,” she asks.

“Well, he told us that he smacked it too hard against a wall,” the doctor informs Rose. “But like I said, by the way his fingers are arranged, I would place my bets on the possibility that he’s lying. 

“Can you just set the bones and get my hand in a cast already?” Dave is growing impatient. In reality, he just wants to get out of there and avoid any questions pertaining to it, aside from the possible, “Can I sign your cast?” 

“Well, it won’t be very easy to set them. Because your fingers are close to shattered, we’ll have to put several pins and screws in them just to hold the bones in place while they heal. This operation alone can take a couple hours, considering all four fingers are broken.”

“Dave, I would really love to know what the fuck you did to your hand,” Rose says just before Dave is taken back. She is escorted to a waiting room for the remainder of her visit. She decides that she isn’t going to just sit around awkwardly for the next couple hours, so she decides to talk to Kanaya.  


\-- tentacleTherapist` [TT]` began pestering grimAuxiliatrix `[GA] `at 7:25 --

  


TT: Well, the doctor just took Dave back to set his hand and put a cast on it. It should take a couple hours. Perhaps we can go for breakfast while we wait? 

GA: That Sounds Nice 

GA: Roxy Is Pestering Your Mother About The Minivan And Wants To Know What To Tell Her What Should She Say 

TT: Tell her to tell mom that we took it to come and get John. We should be back tomorrow sometime. 

GA: Okay She Says That She Wants To Know What Time Tomorrow 

TT: I don’t know. Just tell her sometime around ten to fifteen hours after we get John. 

GA: Roxy Wants To Know If She Should Mention Dave 

TT: Does it really matter? 

GA: Apparently So Though I Have No Idea Why Or How 

GA: Would You Just Like To Parley With Your Mother Rather Than Me Relaying What Should Be Said Between The Two Of You 

TT: I was hoping to just be able to speak with you, but I guess, if it’ll save time and energy. 

GA: Roxy Said That She Just Stopped Talking With Your Mother For You  


\-- tentacleTherapist `[TT]` ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix `[GA] `\--

  


\-- tentacleTherapist `[TT]` began pestering Future tipsyGnostalgic `[FTT]` at 7:40 -- 

  


TT: Well?

FTG: wheres the minivan

TT: It’s here with me. We had to bring it here to pick up John.

FTG: where the fuck ar u

FTG: *are

TT: Two states away. 

FTG: so u had to take eveyerone

FTG: *everyone

TT: Are you drunk?

FTG: no! im just too hung over to spell right@

FTG: *!

TT: I think that’s a first right there.

FTG: what

TT: You actually misspelled a punctuation mark. How does that even happen?

FTG: very easily apparently

FTG: just hurry home

TT: Whatever. I’m going out for breakfast with Kanaya. Feel free to not message me until you have a better understanding of what’s happening from somebody else. 

  


\-- tentacleTherapist `[TT]` ceased pestering Future tipsyGnostalgic `[FTG]` \--

  


FTG: wow rude much

  
After Rose logs off of Pesterchum she gets up and leaves the hospital. If Dave is ready to go before she gets back, oh well. He shouldn’t have broken his fingers.  


* * *

  
What does Other Mom expect Mom to do? Finish this list? Mom hopes not. There’s no possible way for anyone who happens to be suffering a hangover to finish a list like this. Nevertheless, Mom took an oath to do whatever’s best for her family. This list might not be whatever’s best. “Is it, Rose?”

“Yes. If you finish everything on this list, this family will become rich and never need to work again.” Well, crap. It looks like she does, in fact, have to do everything on the list. 

_Let’s see … Number One: Locate YOUR minivan._ Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult, right? Perhaps not. Mom goes through a complex (for her) thought process that leads her to Pesterchum.  


\-- Future tipsyGnostalgic `[FTG]` began pestering tipsyGnostalgic `[TG]` at 7:20 --

  


FTG: hey i need to know where the minivan is

TG: roses or urs?

TG: because roses is in the shop getting fixed 

TG: it should probably be done by now

FTG: i know that! im talkin about mine.

TG: we took it

FTG: why

TG: we wnet on a joyride

TG: *went

FTG: bring it back!

TG: thats goin to be difficult

FTG: y?

TG: hold on let me talk to rose about this

TG: okay nm shes not here

TG: neither is dave

TG: wait kanaynays talkin to her

FTG: kanaynay :?

TG: its my new nickname for kanaya

FTG: thats stupid

TG: ur stupid

TG: wait

TG: i think i just called myself stupid

TG: yea im stupid.

TG: apparently rose has the minivan

TG: kanaynay says to just talk to her

TG: apparently shes tired of relayin messages or whatever

FTG: uh huh

  


\-- Future tipsyGnostalgic` [FTG]` ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic `[TG] `\--

  


And thus, we reread the part of a conversation that we already saw by scrolling up … unless the reader would rather the author retype that part of the conversation, which he wont, by the way.

Now that the reader has reread that last part of Mom’s conversation about the minivan, we can get back to the present, when she is currently sitting on the couch, sipping on a martini. “But Other Mom just got rid of all the alcohol,” you ask. You also have to take into consideration that Adult Roxy is a chronic alcoholic. She has a hidden stash somewhere in the house. It’s so secret that not even the author knows where it is. She keeps it for emergencies such as this one. She just hopes that Adult Rose doesn’t decide that ten minutes of sleep is enough for one day. Otherwise she’s busted. After finishing most of her martini, she looks at number two on the list. “Pick up Rose’s minivan from the auto repair garage,” she reads aloud. “Okay, number three …” she decides to set number two aside for later. Driving and hangovers don’t mix very well. 

“But why is Rose’s minivan in the auto repair garage,” you ask out of curiosity and the sheer absence of common sense. Well, looking back to Chapter 11, you will see that John, Rose, and everyone else was found by Dad just before they were ripped to shreds by a group of wild trolls. A couple miles back from that spot, the minivan was found later that day with seats shredded, flooring torn, windows broken, and a few parts, such as tires, rotors, brakes, and a few important, hard-to-reach lines missing. It was determined that another group, if not part of a larger group that the one that almost attacked the kids was a part of, found the automated vehicular device and ravaged it. It took a couple days, but the minivan was finally completely repaired and ready to be taken back. Now, Back to Original Roxy.

“Number three …” she reads to herself, “No, just … just no.” She can’t believe what she’s reading. She takes a look at the list again, just to make sure the martini isn’t messing with her vision.

3\. Get rid of your “secret” alcohol stash.

Just … how? How could Other Mom possibly know about her stash. She means, it isn’t like she just goes about sneaking off somewhere all day long to refill her martinis and all that other stuff … oh, wait … yeah, yeah she does … And all this time she thought she was being sneaky about it. She just has to be sneakier next time.

* * *

  


* * *

In another household that we’ve already visited a couple times before, a human has just woken up to the feeling of someone breathing on them. 

Enter Name: **Don’t even think about it.**

“Oh my gog! What the, please pardon my language, ‘fuck’ is wrong with you?” Kankri backs away with a horrified look on his face. The human sitting on the couch has no idea why the troll is acting in such a weird manner, so he just replicates the same look on his face.

Minutes earlier, Kankri woke up from a rather peaceful dream about equality through all different types of species and blood colors. He went to the bathroom and did his business while reminiscing about said dream and wearing a smile that would look just plain creepy to anyone who would happen to walk in on him relieving himself. After he got out, he went back to the spare bedroom and covered his indecency with a hot pink robe lent to him by the Striders, supposedly for the “irony”. He does hope that they have enough sense to know that they aren’t even correctly using the word. He doesn’t care about the color of the robe, however, because in doing so, he would be hypocritical, saying that one color is inferior to the rest. And that is something that Kankri “the Insufferable” Vantas does not tolerate. So he wears it with pride. 

Passing the living room on his way to the kitchen, he noticed a pale stranger sprawled out on the couch. He didn’t immediately recognize the face, so he moved closer for a better look. The face looked familiar, but he thought that it was impossible. There’s no way it could be who he thought it was, until his steady, curious breaths caused the creature to wake up. As soon as eye contact was made, Kankri realized immediately who it is and backed away, trying to suppress a panicked look. 

But seriously, there’s only one person that can look at you with eyes burning with the hatred of a thousand hells while pulling off a straight, possibly confused face. Did you guess yet?

Enter Name: KARKAT VANTAS

**Hold on, I’ll be back in a few hours after the hospital confirms I’m not having a stroke or anything.**

**Reader: *Waits a few hours for the author to actually return from the hospital while continuing to observe the characters and their reactions …***

“Wha—” Karkat goes to say, but can’t for some reason. Instead, all that comes out of his mouth is air.

“Karkat! Can you hear me?! Can you speak?!” Kankri is now grabbing the human by his shoulders and shouting in his face. He is worried, but for what? So what if Karkat turns into a human one night? “Okay, listen to me! Don’t panic!”

“Well, it’s kind of hard not to panic when you’re acting like this!” That’s what Karkat wants to say, but can’t. So he just stares at his dancestor with a confused expression, eyes still burning with the hatred of a thousand hells. What? He can’t help it. He was hatched this way. Okay, now probably isn’t the time to quote Troll Lady Gaga songs. 

Kankri momentarily takes his hands off of Karkat’s shoulders to pace around nervously. As far as he knew, there wasn’t any way for someone to transform into a different species, unless they’re a human “skinwalker,” or a “werewolf.” Wait … were wolf … were … no, he just lost his train of thought. What was he doing? Oh yeah, he was panicking and being hypocritical about it. 

Casey was kind of forced by the Bros to stay the night. Mainly so they can keep her in check. She is to be taken back to her own home later. 

She is woken by the shouting of a certain red-blooded troll. Her immediate thoughts are that he’s hungry and wants to eat her, so she ducks underneath blankets because that’s never the most obvious freaking hiding place out there. She listens in fear that it’s coming closer, but to her surprise, it isn’t directed toward her. “Okay, listen to me! Don’t panic!” What? Of course she’s going to panic. A troll wants to freaking eat her. But the particular troll that owns that voice didn’t seem all too violent, that is, until he got pissed at her for not following directions. He stared at her with literal flames burning in his eyes. And she thought her daddy’s grumpy boyfriend’s death glare was demonic and terrifying. But right now, the voice seems worried, almost panicked itself. What. A. Hypocrite. She slowly gets up as to not make any loud, possibly deadly noises and sneaks out of her room into the hallway. She stops just before she enters the living room, making sure that it was clear before she advances farther. All she hears is breathing, until she is taken from behind. She would let out a yelp, but her captor has his hand over her mouth and telling her to be quiet. It turns out to be Other Bro. At least she has someone to protect her if the troll decides to attack. 

She also decides that she is now scared of Other Bro. He isn’t wearing his shades like he normally does, allowing her to look directly into his eyes, which she sees is a deep crimson color. He must feel her beginning to shake because he sets her down behind him to get a better look at the scene in the living room. He doesn’t have any shitty katanas or anything like that, which causes the little girl to be worried that he won’t be able to protect her after all … not that he would in the first place, being some demonic creature of the night with red eyes and all. 

After a moment’s hesitation, Other Bro silently walks into the living room, the troll inside unaware of his presence. The human, however, watches him closely. Other Bro doesn’t seem to register the fact that a certain red-blooded troll is no more, which is evident when he stops Kankri from whatever he is doing to ask what the fuck is so wrong that he’s waking up the entire town. 

“Karkat is a human! Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against your species, but the fact that a troll just turned into a human just strikes me as odd and worrying.”

“Yeah, Cronus would be jelly.”

“What?”

“I said Cronus would be jelly.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause jam don’t shake.” Okay, that wasn’t very good, but it has to be admitted that it’s funny. Sometimes Dave, no matter how old, must do this. He can’t help it if he’s just that good at cracking jokes.

“David, I don’t see how any sort of human food products can even be remotely related to the matter at hand. Something like this must be dealt with caution and care. Are you laughing at me?” Kankri stares at the elder Strider with his arms folded across his chest, clearly unamused at the jokes. 

“No, dude. I’m laughing at that joke.” Kankri rolls his eyes. “But seriously, you’re scaring the shit out of Casey.”

“How so? If she had any sort of common sense, she would realize that we are not the Alternian trolls. Well, Karkat is—was, but he wasn’t as bad.”

“Whatever, just … she hasn’t had very good experiences with trolls, I don’t think, and she’s been brainwashed that all trolls are the devil or some shit.”

“Whatever this “devil” is, I have no idea.”

“Look, just stop shouting so we can all get some sleep.” 

“I can’t.” Kankri apparently has yet to realize that he isn’t the only person in the house. “I have to make sure that everyone knows not to panic, otherwise—“

“You were just panicking!”

“I was not!”

Karkat, who is completely fed up with Kankri’s shit, and somewhat surprised that Dave is actually being responsible for once, jumps up and tries to shout at the both of them. “EVERYONE JUST SHUT YOUR BULGESUCKING PROTEIN CHUTES AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” Well, that’s what it sounded like in his head, anyway. In reality, it was just a bunch of strained, breathy wheezes and what sounded like a goose honk. Kankri and Other Bro turn and look at him as he dances around, making all these weird noises while thinking he’s shouting. Casey watches from the hallway. If this whole thing weren’t completely terrifying, she would be finding it somewhat funny. No, scratch that, she does find it funny—more than just somewhat. Karkat hears her giggling and looks up with anger making itself present on his face. He stomps over to the girl, who just laughs harder at him. Apparently, stomping over to somebody while extremely confused, angry and your boy-parts flopping around everywhere isn’t all that threatening. 

When he gets to Casey, she’s rolling around on the floor, laughing her metaphorical ass off. He places his hands on his hips and glares at the girl until she finally quits laughing and looks back up at him, giggles threatening to break free from her lips. “Uh, Karkat,” Other Bro says, preventing a flood of harsh words from flowing into Karkat’s mind at Casey. The now-human glares back. 

“I think she would take you more seriously if you were covering your indecency.” There’s no doubt about it. Other Bro is trying to suppress laughter himself. Now without his shades, his face can be read like a book. At first, Casey’s daddy’s grumpy human boyfriend doesn’t believe him. That is, until he looks down. As soon as he sees it, his eyes go wide and his face turns bright red. His hands cover himself and he runs into the nearest space where his now human boy parts won’t be exposed to anybody. This space just so happens to be a closet. 

“Well, I guess I better get him something to wear,” Other Bro says to no one in particular. He then turns to Kankri. “Do you remember if we brought his stuff?”

“Uh, I think Cronus went back to get it,” the troll responds, somewhat confused at what exactly just happened. 

“Great. Well, I’ll just be heading back and getting dressed myself. I’m not going to spend all day in a pair of boxers. Unless everyone wants me to.

“No, please, just … just go,” Kankri says, trying his hardest to not make eye contact with the elder Strider. “Those things on your chest are starting to freak me out.” Knowing Dave, no matter what his age, that was the wrong thing to say. Other Bro can’t help it. He sees the opportunity and takes it. 

“What? They’re only nipples,” he exclaims as though it’s the greatest thing in existence. “Even Karkat has them now, apparently! Come on, feel them.” He moves toward Kankri and gets his chest as close to the troll as he can manage. The latter however, doesn’t find it funny and tries to stop it. 

“No, human, whatever your name is! Just go put on some clothes!” Kankri tries to push Adult Dave away, trying his best to keep from touching the pink nubs on the human’s chest. 

“Not until you feel.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“N9!”

“Yes.”

“NO!!!” Kankri shoves the human against the wall, sparks threatening to ignite his eyes once more. Casey runs and takes cover in the nearest place she can find. This nearest place just so happens to be Karkat’s closet. He didn’t lock the door. 

Dave stands up, surprised at the troll’s strength. But that doesn’t stop him. He manages to get close enough to stretch out his arm, holding his hand out to the troll. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Just … can … can we call it a truce?” Kankri eyes the gesture suspiciously. He isn’t too familiar with human customs, and trolls definitely never offered another one of their appendages, unless they were ready to pail. Wonk wonk. Nevertheless, he cautiously takes the hand in his own, and is surprised when Other Bro shakes it. He’s relieved and lets his guard down just before the human tightens his grip on the troll’s hand to grab his wrist. He then pulls the troll over to him and places the trolls hand on his left nipple, forcing the troll to feel it. The look on Kankri’s face is priceless. It’s a mixture of horror, confusion, rage, and disgust. The troll is too stunned to move. 

After a few minutes, Other Bro whispers seductively into Kankri’s ear, “Thanks. Now I can go get dressed. If you enjoyed this, there’s another one on the other side,” and heads into his own bedroom to put some clothes on. He leaves the troll in the middle of the living room. Kankri turns, shudders violently, and makes his way over to the kitchen sink. He thinks about washing his hands, but is unsure as to whether or not it’s actually necessary. Really, what exactly are nipples? Do they like, secrete some sort of toxin or something? He then remembers that Karkat is in a relationship with a human, and his scent tells Kankri that they’ve are active pailers. So, perhaps it’s safe? Eh, he guesses it’s best to wash his hands, just to be safe.

* * *

  


* * *

John must be dreaming, but why this? 

The troll sits in a rather comfortable chair across a coffee table from a familiar figure who is typing on a laptop. The figure’s right leg is crossed over its left, providing sufficient support for the portable computation device. What its typing about is completely unknown to John. Surrounding the two of them is darkness reminiscent of the Furthest Ring. John and the figure sit in silence as it types away on its laptop. Despite having eyes, its face holds a look of concentration, as if it shouldn’t be bothered by anything, for anything. The figure rock in its own chair as it ceases its typing momentarily, then resumes typing while still rocking. 

The deathly silence around them makes john feel as though he is not an invited party in this. But if he isn’t, then why hasn’t this character shooed him away? Instead, it just seems to ignore him as it concentrates on the screen. Suddenly, out of nowhere, John’s favorite song, Master Passion Greed, begins playing extremely loudly, echoing through the seemingly endless void around them. John jumps almost completely out of his chair and the figure flinches extremely noticeably, as if it wasn’t expecting the loud burst of music, though it should have. Annoyed at the sudden outburst, it snaps its fingers and the music seems to stop completely, prompting John to unwittingly complain.

“Why’d you do that? You know that’s my favorite song!” Shit, perhaps that wasn’t the right thing to do considering this creature can easily tear him to shreds. 

“I did it because it’s annoying. And I could’ve redirected it to where only you can hear it, but that would be impossible considering we are already deep in your subconscious.” The creature continued to type without even taking a second thought as he talked. “We’ll wait until your friends decide to play more classy music. Perhaps a waltz melody would be nice, if only they could take the hint.”

“So, you won’t get mad if I talk?”

“Why should I? I’m a guest in your subconscious. I haven’t the right. I’m also omniscient, which helps with multitasking.” Beq doesn’t even look up from the screen. 

John waits a few minutes before he says something else. He wants to make sure that it is okay to talk. Like, one hundred percent okay. “So, uh, how, exactly, did you get here?” he can’t hide the nervousness in his voice. He slumps down a little bit in his chair, expecting a good, hard slap in the face for doing something wrong. 

“Well, first of all, you need to calm your nonexistent tits before I do slap the troll out of you. Secondly, my power allows me to teleport anywhere in the universe. Technically, your subconscious is a place, being a manifestation of your brain and the way it works.” Well, that’s a relief. “Now, I know you have some questions, so start asking before I jolt your fuzzy gray ass awake and decide to never interfere again.”

Okay, John doesn’t ever remember the First Guardian ever acting like this. First he starts off seeming to be all formal, now he’s slowly beginning to transition into ghetto. “Okay,” John starts, wanting to not waste anymore time, “what are you typing?”

“That’s classified, ask again later.” Beq chuckles at his own joke. John, however, doesn’t find it funny. “Seriously, what are you typing,” he asks again.

“Fine, if you must know, I’m recording all of the events that are currently happening to you and your friends. But don’t worry, I’m not the author of this messed up tale.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I said nothing about there being an author.”

“No, what do you mean, author?”

“I never said that.”

“Yes you did.”

“When?”

“Just now.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“Prove it.” Beq raises his head to … uh, look at John. All the while his fingers keep tapping away at the lettered keys on the keyboard. “Are you seriously thinking about ways to make me screw up on saying something?” 

“So what if I am?”

“But I can read your thoughts.” Beq gives John a genuinely confused look. John subconsciously congratulates himself inside his subconscious. He masked his own intentions by thinking. That only works with mind readers. Remember that, kids. Right now, with the way his eyeless face looks, despite the fact that he’s eight feet tall and pretty much a monstrosity, Beq’s face looks like the face of a puppy dog that so desperately needs to be petted. So that’s what he does. John gets up out of his chair and makes his way behind Beq. “John, don’t do it,” the beast warns. John moves his hand closer to Beq’s head. “John, really, don’t pet me.”

“But I bet you feel fluffy,” John says as his hand inches closer.

**Commence epic cute John/First Guardian moment:**

“John, I said don’t freaking pet me.” Beq is getting annoyed now, but puts up no resistance to John as the troll scratches the area behind the cue ball catdog’s ears. The sensation is, as can be described by any dog, “like an orgasm, only better.” And John was right. Beq’s fur is fluffy. And soft. Fluffy and soft and strawberry-scented … 

Well, Beq seems to be enjoying more than he anticipated. Within seconds, John can hear a soft purring, almost as soft and loving as the purr he gets when he scratches the back of Karkat’s head, behind his horns. Apparently, the sensation is so good that Beq can’t even keep still. His hands clench into fists and his legs move around, almost as if he was a cat, trying to flex his muscles and lift his tail up high. It makes John think that if Beq was on all fours, he would crawl around John like a kitty cat. Or roll on his back and have John pet and scratch his belly. 

But epic cute moment aside, John is just now realizing that he feel like he’s in hell. Literally. He feels an intense burning sensation all over his body. This stops the scratching, much to Beq’s dismay. Getting back to what’s important, he comes out of his bliss-filled daze and takes John back over to his chair. Going back to where he was sitting and pulling a bowl and spoon out from under the coffee table, he hands it to John and tells him to eat the contents of said bowl. John, gaining enough control to settle down, looks at the familiar green substance. “Uh, what is it?”

“Sopor slime.” Beq grins at John. “I brought that for you for this exact reason.”

“But, isn’t this stuff for like, sleeping? I thought this was toxic.” John stirs the spoon around the slime in the bowl. 

“Yes, it’s true that it isn’t necessarily meant for consumption in the troll universe …” Beq trails off but quickly speaks again. “I think you’ll be surprised. It will help with the burning.” He smiles at John, who continues to just stare at the lime green substance taking up about half the volume of the bowl. “Eat it,” Beq urges. After a moment’s hesitation, he gets just a tiny amount on the tip, fearful of the taste, which Karkat has told him is like eating a burned oinkbeast glazed with rotten eggs. 

Beq was right. John is surprised—not at the flavor, but the texture, the thickness, the … everything. “It’s pudding,” he says.

“Yes. I did say that it wasn’t made for troll consumption. The reality of it is that all sopor slime is is human pudding. Although trolls only came up with one flavor, it’s the same thing. I can guarantee that once you’re done with that, you will be completely loopy. It also helps with pain. It has a weird effect with trolls though. You remember when you made chocolate pudding for Karkat on his seventeenth birthday?”

“Yes,” John said, inhaling the lime-flavored pudding. 

“Didn’t you notice he was acting a little strange a couple hours later?”

“Yeah, he acted like he was drunk. We were all worried, but he came out of it.”

“That’s because no matter what flavor, pudding is still sopor slime. He ingested enough to give him the effect of eating an eighth of one of Gamzee’s pies.” Beq goes back to typing on his laptop when john finishes his pudding slime. Beq was right again. Almost instantly the pudding has him numb as a dead body. 

“So …” John trails off.

“You have about ten minutes before the full effect of the pudding kicks in and you start acting like it’s your first time overdosing on LSD.”

“Okay, uh, what should I ask?”

“Anything you want.”

“Okay, uh, what was all that pain about?” John looks at Beq, and for a moment, the First Guardian doesn’t respond. 

“Well, you remember when I said you both would know when the transformation is complete, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I forgot to mention that shortly before then, the two weretrolls will become psychically entangled. This means that they experience every significant emotion, sensation, or anything else as the other does. You felt the final transformation.”

“But I also felt Karkat holding my hand, and I also felt it crack. I didn’t hurt him, did I?” John suddenly becomes more worried about anything than ever. All his mind can think about now is Karkat. 

Beq’s face changes into a look of disappointment. “No, and for somewhat good reason.” John knows by Beq’s tone and expression that said reason can’t be good. 

“Do I even want to know?”

“Well, it all depends, do you think you’ll be able to get over it and keep your friendship with whoever did it alive?” Beq looks at John almost as if he didn’t want to answer this question, and in reality, he was dreading it. He knows what will happen. He just wants to make sure John can handle it, which he doesn’t believe.

“It all depends, I guess.”

“John, you need to know. I don’t want to ruin a friendship. Two, if you want to be technical.” Beq is spared some time to think about how he’ll answer. You know how that saying goes, Saved by the Sopor Slime, or whatever. Before John can answer, the sopor slime kicks in with full effect. And his subconscious form passes out in his subconscious. Subconciousception. And thus, we leave the two alone in John’s head to give Beq time to think and dread John’s sober waking moment.  


* * *

  
“Eugh, you aren’t actually going to eat that, are you,” Roxy asks Terezi.

“Why not? I’ve walked in on him and Karkat and Karkles didn’t seem to mind having a meal out of it.”

“But that’s them … wait, what?!” Jade gags. She does NOT need to know what her brother and Karkat do in their spare time. “I don’t think I’ll be able to look at them the same way again.”

“But you don’t just eat whatever’s coming out of someone’s body! This isn’t two girls one cup!” Roxy probably said that too loud, but whatever. It’s true. 

“I don’t know what that means and I don’t even want to,” Jade says, looking at Roxy. Ms. Paint looks confused, but she would have to agree with the human girls on this one. Eating someone’s bodily excrement is just plain wrong no matter if it comes out the ass, the urinary tract, the mouth, the nose, or the … ears. Yes, the bodily excrement in question here is, in fact, sputtering out of John’s troll ears. One minute he’s all peaceful, the next, lime green stuff is coming out of his bandages. Ms. Paint took the bandages off John’s head and the stuff, whatever it is, is coming out of his ears. 

“Uh, Terezi,” Jade asked, “is this normal for trolls?” Needless to say, Terezi was shocked at the scene as well. And ever since, she has wanted to taste it. Lime green is one of her favorite flavors. 

“Look, I just want one taste,” Terezi complains. 

No one’s stopping you! We won’t watch, but we won’t stop you!” Jade turns around, but Roxy watches like she can’t look away.

“Fine, whatever!” Terezi bends down next to John’s ear. The stuff has a familiar scent. Perhaps it’s just the color. Instead of licking it directly off the side of John’s head, she takes her pinky finger and digs some out of his ear and licks it off her finger. She gives it a moment to set in, to allow the taste to disperse. After thinking it over, she realizes what it is. “Guys, it’s sopor slime.” This takes both girls off guard, but Roxy looks the most disgusted. You would be too if you just watched Terezi do that. 

“So sopor slime is ear wax,” Roxy asks.

“Apparently,” Terezi says. 

“No wonder you trolls don’t like the taste, but I always thought ear wax was like, not green,” Jade says with a disgusted look on her face. Thinking back over what all she knows about sopor slime, she realizes something. “Hey, uh, Terezi, sopor slime can help heal injuries, can’t it?”

“Yeah, why?”

Ms. Paint, being the boss she is, knows where Jade is going. “That means that we could rub his burns with it,” she speaks up. Duh, Terezi. 

“So, what are we waiting for, Roxy asks. “The faster he heals, the faster he wakes up and the better everything will be!” She is the first to start smearing the stuff around. First they cover John’s face. Then Ms. Paint takes off the bandages on his chest and they rub the slime on his chest. Then his legs … oh … uh … “Who wants to do there,” she asks. The four feminine creatures stare at the nook before them. It’s stained with dried genetic material, giving it a blue-is appearance. “I say you do,” Roxy says. “You’re the one that bandaged it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t actually touch it,” Ms. Paint retaliates. 

“Okay, we could just leave it and have him do that particular area himself when he wakes up,” Jade says. 

“I like that idea,” Roxy agrees. And with that said, they do his thighs and leave him to rest. Once the sopor slime takes its effect, it should only take about four hours, according to Terezi’s calculations, for the burns to completely heal. Sopor slime works extremely quickly. 

“So what do we say when he wake’s up and sees us staring at his naughty parts,” Roxy asks after a moment of silence.


	35. Chapter 34: Dirk and KK's Deal

“If I was truly omniscient I would know why I’m still here,” Beq mutters to himself as a high-as-Gamzee subconscious iteration of John’s subconscious rambles on about absolutely nothing in particular. Even though this was to be expected, and even foreseen by Beq himself, it is annoying as fuck. Why did he even come here in the first place … wait … yeah, to keep John company. Trolls that fall into comas tend to go crazy from the apparent isolation, and lack of knowledge about what the fuck is actually happening. 

“And … you know … it’s just … it’s just like, you know?” What?

“Yes, John, for the eighteenth time, I know.” He doesn’t know. “Now, please put your clothes back on. I’m tired of having to see you in your underwear.” Yeah, like John’s actually going to do that. “Why couldn’t he just wake up already,” Beq mutters once again. Unfortunately, he has another half hour yet to wait for that glorious moment. 

“So, now that that’s out of the way … Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” Great, now John decides to use grammar perfectly. Unfortunately, that perfect grammar seemingly makes absolutely no fucking sense. 

“John, buffalo from Buffalo do not buffalo other buffalo from Buffalo. It’s kind of hard for buffalo to buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Or anywhere else the buffalo come from.” Oh great, now he has Beq doing it. “Great, now you have me all buffaloed.”

“Hehe.” John rolls back on his back, holding his legs in the Indian style position he was sitting in. “I never noticed how dark the inside of my head is. Hehe.” He pauses for a few moments. “Why? I mean … it’s so dark that I can see colors.” Really?! “Come to think of it, what is the darkest thing people can see?”

“Anything represented by the Hex code: #000000. Really, John, with you knowing how to build websites and memorizing all these codes, I would have expected you to know that.” Beq facepalms. He stopped trying to control the new troll an hour ago. This was NOT in the First Guardian job description. He decides to go back to recording all the events taking place so that the readers may witness them while they wait for the author to return from the ER, so, in a way, he was lying when he said he isn’t the author. Instead, he is a temporary replacement, like John Oliver on _The Daily Show with John Stewart_.

“So,” John says as soberly as his high-as-Gamzee self can manage, “What were you going to tell me b4 this?” He turns his head toward the First Guardian behind the laptop. Beq considers answering. After all, this could be the only time to tell him without him actually remembering it. 

“Uh, well, I was going to say that bingo isn’t a language.” 

“No you weren’t! I know that’s a lie right now. There aint no possibly way that you cood no how im ta-taa-alalalalal … that’s a weird sound … alalalalalalalalalalalalal …” This pains the poor-fortuned First Guardian to even consider writing this, however, in accordance to the readers’ enjoyment, I must. I hope you enjoy my pain you ungrateful oafs. 

I’m terribly sorry that I said that. I’m just frustrated. Actually, you know what, this is frustrating—writing in third person point of view when I’m right here. So, from now until I decide to change the topic over to anything outside this pathetic troll’s subconscious, I will write like this—in first person. Just. Because. I. Can. 

As previously mentioned, it pains me to type this. Yes, because I am, well, I have determined by recent events that I am only mostly omniscient, I know exactly how he is spelling his voiced words. I also know what he wants to know. I am just being hesitant on answering. I know how he’s going to react, and though it would be amusing on my behalf, I do not wish to destroy friendships, no matter how inevitable. 

“Are you finished with your sound exploration,” I ask John in an obviously annoyed tone. 

“Maybee … wait … bee—are there any bees here?”

“What? No, I don’t think so, anyway … …” Seriously, do any of you know what he could possibly be talking about? I don’t see what bees have to do with any of this. Please, any sort of help in understanding this newly hermaphroditic boy would be greatly appreciated. I’m beginning to think that his sole purpose in existence is to confuse me. 

“Aw, that’s tooo baaaaaaaad. I wuz reely wanting som mined hunny.” By now, he’s standing right next to me, watching me type this and it’s kind of creeping me out. But I don’t think he cares. SERIOUSLY, JOHN! TAKE THE FREAKING HINT AND GO SIT BACK DOWN!!! … Aaaand he’s still here. Okay, you want to know what I was about to tell you before you blacked out and woke up like this?”

“Yes.” He rocks on his heels and the balls of his feet, giving the laptop screen a rather creepy stare, kind of like this:

John, that is really creepy, please go sit down. Then I’ll tell. No, not right here, over on your chair. “Thank you,” I say when he finally complies. Right now, some help in telling him would be greatly appreciated.

“Sssssoooooo0o00o0000oo … ?”

“Was that really necessary?” An eternity in your human “Hell” probably wouldn’t be as bad a torture as this. 

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s probably a good thing you’re sitting down for this—”

“JUST GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!” Okay, that was kind of scary. It pains me to admit that I never knew he could sound as demonic as he did with that, but nevertheless, I didn’t, which is making me even more nervous to tell him. I may not know much about this hermaphroditic boy, but I do know that his reaction won’t be good. 

“Okay … uh … well, it wasn’t Karkat whose hand you crushed. In fact, he is over at the Striders’ house. Ironically, the owner of the hand you crushed is a Strider.” I give John a nervous grin and study his reaction. So far, it is more neutral than anything. “John, please understand that your friend just worried for you. He would never do anything to hurt you or your matespritship with Karkat. He just wanted to get close to you and comfort you when you needed it.” I await the inevitable reply in silence. After a few minutes, I leave him alone. In his subconscious to inform the girls outside his head that he should be kept away from Dave.

Their reactions are no less than priceless as I materialize right in front of them. I take a quick look at John’s unconscious body before speaking. It has taken the full appearance and qualities of a natural-blooded troll. “Keep him away from Dave. Even though he is high, he can still comprehend.” I give a saddened look before teleporting to my mansion. From here, I continue to record events.

  


Jade, Roxy, Terezi and Ms. Paint look confused. What exactly did I mean by that, they wonder. Why should John be kept away from Dave? If the First Guardian tells them to do something, they know to heed it. Roxy gets out her phone to pester Rose just before she and Kanaya walk in the room, stomachs full and a little grossed out by the pudding-covered body in front of them. “Uh, what is going on here,” Kanaya asks.

“We covered John with the powerful soothing and healing agent known as sopor slime,” Terezi says with a mischievous smile. 

“Okay, where did you get sopor slime?”

“I don’t know. It just started oozing out of his ears.”

“So sopor slime is earwax?”

“I don’t know! I’m just as confused as you are!” Terezi looks at Kanaya with a glare that says, “Gog, you are such an idiot.” She, as well as Roxy, Jade, and Kanaya, would be lying to say that she isn’t surprised at Rose’s silence. Rose, however, couldn’t be more distracted, and rather pissed off at a certain ecto-brother, to notice anything. “Alright, Dave, you can just stay behind then, if that’s what you like to do,” she shouts at her phone before turning it off and shoving it violently into her pocket. It is at this time Ms. Paint decides to speak up. 

“Uh, child, would you mind following me into the kitchen,” she says in a soft, motherly tone—almost mocking Kanaya’s. 

“I don’t feel like talking to anyone right—“

“I said follow me into the kitchen. Now!” And the soft, motherly tone is gone just like that (Imagine that you just saw/heard me snap my claws.). Rose gives an annoyed sigh and begrudgingly makes her way through the small hallway into the kitchen. “What?”

“I know that you’re stressed, but you don’t have to take it out on your poor little mobile talking device. Or, at least I hope you just named it Dave and weren’t actually talking about Dave.”

“No, I was talking about Dave.” Rose really doesn’t need this, but maybe someone else psychoanalyzing her for once would be a nice change. She must have a lot of pent feelings that she needs to get off her chest. “You know, sometimes he can be a real ass!”

“Well, from what I saw from him, he doesn’t really seem like it.” Ms. Paint give Rose a kind smile. It’s like she can just turn it on and off at her own will. She places a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure whatever he did couldn’t possibly be that bad.”

“Really? What did you see out of him?” Rose gives Ms. Paint an annoyed glare. 

“Well, here, let’s sit down at the table.” She drags Rose over to the small table that just barely escaped being the flambé that was John. “There. I think this is much more comfortable than standing?”

“Just get on with it!”

“Okay, uh, well he had this kind personality. He was really caring and comforting to John while he was in there with him.” Ms. Paint pauses and gives a kind smile as she thinks back about an hour or so ago to those moments. 

“Go on,” Rose pushes, annoyed at the carapacian’s silence. 

“Right, now where was I? Oh, he seemed to really worry over John. He sang ever so softly in his ear, almost beckoning him to wake up. I thought that he was even being softer about it than what I was, but it actually seemed to work a little bit, well, after he started kissing him.”

“And there’s the grubfucking problem! Dave can’t keep his goddamn hormones in check enough to control himself when he’s alone with John!” Rose slams her fists down on the table hard enough to bruise her hands. 

“What do you mean?” Ms. Paint is utterly confused. 

“I mean that Dave’s face has no right to be in any sort of proximity that close to John’s! John isn’t dating Dave!! Ugh, sometimes I just wish that murder was legal!” Rose gets up and stomps back over to Spades’s room with the others to wait for John’s awakening, leaving Ms. Paint to rethink her people skills.  


* * *

  
Okay, if it wasn’t for me forgetting to record this in much more detail, even putting in more parts that happened, say, more dialogue (I know I’m an idiot, so shut up.), this would make so much more more sense. Ugh, dammit, I typed “more” twice. And now I’m just going to start stating the obvious. Yes, “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s the First Guardian, Captain barkmeowing Obvious!” I should really get back to the story right now. But had it not been for me telling John about Dave’s slip up, Roses shoutment (hehe, like a statement, but shouted. Get it?) would have taken him by complete surprise and he would have instantly woken (not really) and found his way to the hospital to personally pull Dave’s rectum out through his mouth, and then break his hand … again. And then his feet, and legs, and other hand, and arms, and ribs, and spine, and then finish him off by snapping his neck. Yeah, he’s that pissed, even though he’s high beyond any sort of recognition right now. What makes it even worse is that trolls have an excellent memory and a tendency to become violent when pissed. 

In fact, right now, he’s plotting out his revenge on both Dave and Jake. Dave for the obvious reason, and Jake because, well, let’s all face it—Grandpa’s mouth belongs nowhere near Karkat’s junk. Though, I do wish that I could get it through his thick troll skull that Jake’s incident was just a misunderstanding and Dave was just worried. Oh well, I guess those two will just have to learn the hard way not to fuck with a troll and his matesprit. 

**Author: Thank you for taking over for me while I was in the ER. I do appreciate it and I’m sure the readers do as well. Now, where are we in the story.**

**Beq: You can read through this chapter and figure out by yourself. I am never doing this for you again. I have no freaking clue how you manage to do it.**

**A: It’s easy. All you have to do is WATCH AND TYPE. Seriously, you’re practically omnipotent and you can’t even do that much?!**

**B: Oh shut up and take back responsibility for this stupid thing happening on my stupid planet.**

**A: Okay, technically it’s my planet, considering I lived on it long before you. Up yours.**   


* * *

  
The author apologizes for the readers having to put up with the crappy First Guardian, but in his own defense, you all are the reason for him having to leave. Just … never by surprise and correctly guess a character’s name ever again. For both yours and his own sake …

Anyway, back to the story. Now, since I, the true author of this charade, feels as though Dirk has suddenly become an attention whore, being as the Texan can’t even go a few chapters … okay, eight, but still. Therefore, he apparently must think that in order to gain the author’s attention, he must go on some sort of rampage. Long story short, he’s wanted for murder. But in his defense, the man put himself out of the misery brought upon him by Dirk’s katana. 

Fortunately for him, he heeded Jade and, dare he say it, Jake’s advice, and always carries around more than one portable computing device. Unfortunately, he fears that Jake may be the only one he can trust in this sort of situation, given that both the elder Striders do not like to hurt anybody, which he could claim hypocrisy on had he been there when Other Bro rescued the group from the fuzz. 

As of right now, he is sitting on a branch high up in a pine tree in a dense forest. His exposed eyes are wide with fear: fear of getting lost, fear of being caught, fear of loneliness, and most of all, fear of rejection from everyone else once they learn what he did … which should appear on the six o’clock news later tonight. He runs a hand through his snow-white hair, which has lost its stiff spikes several hours ago from sort-of-forced exercise and sweat. He figures that it’s now or never, so he takes off his pants and pulls off his iBriefs, being quick to replace his pants out of another fear—the fear of being caught in the nude. He looks at the screen in the crotch, waiting for the things to turn on. He does this for several minutes before realizing “Oh shit.” They are already on, and snapped a picture of his personal area. For being a technological expert, he really needs to learn how to delete pictures, and better yet, not allow them to be sent to other people by his junk, which just so happens to be the case with this particular picture of said junk. He doesn’t even want to see who it was sent to, but alas, being the ingenious idiot that he is, he looks anyway. Apparently it was sent to Jane, John, Dave, Rose, Mom, Other Mom, Dad Egbert/Crocker, Sollux, Terezi, Karkat, Kanaya, and Bro. Well, at least it wasn’t sent to Jake … Oh, wait … it was. Damn it. Well, there goes his only hope of escape. 

“I bet you think you have no more hopes of escape. Am I correct in this assumption?” The sudden voice causes Dirk to jump nearly three feet off the branch. He looks behind him, but the owner of the voice is nowhere to be seen. He turns back around, only to be greeted by the troll that happens to own said voice, and the exact person he would never like to see at a time like this. “You haven’t answered my question,” the troll says, irritation evident in his voice. 

“H-how long have y-you been there?” Dirk backs into the trunk as far as he can manage. 

“That doesn’t answer my question, fuckass. If you don’t want my help in getting back, then I should just leave, right?”

“Since when do you want to help?”

“Since I see the perfect opportunity to get what I want. Now, I can get you back to your house in a vascular-pumpbeat—for a price.” The troll grins evilly. His teeth show his wickedness in full detail, and his eyes burn with the hatred of a thousand hells. 

“Since when are you a loan shark?” Dirk is beyond nervous. He’s heard of things that the Cherry Knight has done to people he doesn’t like or that have pissed him off. 

“Oh, I don’t want money. No, what I want is much more precious. Dirk, I want John’s life.” The god’s evil grin turns into a full evil smile and he gives a slight maniacal laugh. Dirk’s eyes widen in horror of what he has just heard. 

“What? Why John’s? Couldn’t you at least want me to kill someone more appropriate—say, for example, Jake? Come on, man, take the hint.” He pleads with the troll, eyes like a sad puppy’s. Unfortunately, Karkat hates woofbeasts. Even his mortal self does, for no apparent reason. 

“Alright, I’ll let you deal a great amount of pain to him. But that’s it! After you get back home, you won’t do anything else to him, alright?!”

“Uh … sure? I don’t see how I can hurt him when we aren’t even in the same place … “

“Oh, there’s a way. Now, do you accept the deal?” godKat stares at the confused Dirk for a few minutes before the latter responds with a “Yeah, as long as I don’t get caught by the police or anything.”

“Alright. Now, you may feel a little bit of pressure …” godKat snaps a finger and the Strider kid turns into a red liquid and disappears.

  


Back at the Pyrope/Strider household, a young green-eyed boy that answers to the name “Jake English” lies in a bed, fast asleep and dreaming sweet dreams about skulls and adventures and eye sockets and that weird picture that he got from Dirk around midnight, which he guessed meant that Dirk had apologized? But either way, it was weird and it’s popping up in his dream a little too close to the eye sockets to be considered a friendly gesture. The sad part about this is that this is a lucid dream. Now, what does that say about Jake’s sex life?

Enter Name: Jacob Hiram English

That would be so much more surprising had I not just told you his name like, barely even a paragraph ago. I’m more surprised by the fact that you know his middle name. Now stop showing off your sudden observational skills and read along here. 

As previously mentioned, before you, the reader, rudely interrupted the author of this charade, Jake is having a dream that says that he doesn’t get laid very much. Or, at least, is suffering from withdrawal from not getting laid in the past however long Dirk has been away. Who knows with those two? They might breed like rabbits, or they might rarely do it at all. This is probably making you uncomfortable. Serves you right for interrupting me with the completely obvious name of the character we are now following …

Suddenly, he is woken by a sharp pain in his genital region. This is probably a good time for him to rethink Terezi’s suggestion to get tested for any sort of STD, though everyone is pretty sure Dirk doesn’t have anything. What Jake is feeling now, however, points toward the contrary. 

He reaches down to grab Little Jakey, because, that’s what everyone does when they’re in pain—they grab whatever’s hurting and that seems to always help. Well, that doesn’t help now, especially when his hand notices a certain wetness to the area. Yeah, he probably should get checked. “Oh, well, perhaps it was just a wet dream,” he says to himself before he feels the wetness spreading like wildfire, which is what it also feels like in his nether region. He doesn’t really want to see what it is, and he especially doesn’t want to know what’s happening to him, but alas, he really needs to, and he knows that he needs to, so he raises one hand up out from under the blanket and turns on the lamp on Dirk’s nightstand. He is taken aback by the sight before his face. When he looks at his hand, he sees that it’s covered in blood. He rips off the blanket to find that his human bulge is spewing blood everywhere out the little orifice on the very tip. Seconds later, the veins in both of his elbow crooks pop, forming large bruises that break through his skin, shedding even more blood everywhere and causing even more pain. The veins in both his wrists follow suit, and soon, he is writhing in complete pain, blood gushing everywhere: on the floor, on the bed, on the nightstand, etc. He almost lets out a scream, but muffles it in Dirks’ pillow, which has somehow gone untouched by the metallic smelling fluid, and somehow gained a rather large dent …


	36. Chapter 35: John's Return

After what seems like an eternity, the bleeding mysteriously stops as quickly as it had begun. Jake is left feeling weak. That is to say, he had not yet noticed his blood transforming into some horrible, hideous, frightening creature of the ni—he means a figure that looks oddly—damn it—delightfully like Dirk. Of course, also having knocked the lamp over, effectively breaking it, the room is shrouded in darkness—if only Dirk had heard of curtains rather than blankets to cover the blinds and windows. Oh, those silly Striders.

But back to what was happening. Given the fact that its like, eight in the morning or something and the room is shrouded in darkness for no freakin’ reason, Jake cannot see the figure which lies next to him on the bed, or, at least, is forming next to him on the bed. Not bothering to look closer, because, well, would you? Really, if you saw something forming out of your blood, the sensible thing to do is to get a closer look at it. Right? Well, apparently a certain Jake English doesn’t think so. The frightened boy quickly grabs Dirk’s gold-plated katana off the wall above his bed and hops off, sword in hand and ready to strike if the need arises. He watches as the blood comes together on Dirk’s bed, forming the shape and leaving no stains behind. The face solidifies and colorizes itself first. The eyes open and look around; the face as a whole has a look of awe, as if this is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to the figure. Soon, the rest of the blood has transformed into the body of a teenage boy, about Jake’s age, and looking quite like Dirk. Jake, however, doesn’t care if it looks like freaking God because it’s still scary as hell and he wants to stab it. All the while the boy has yet to realize fully the situation he’s in. He turns and swings his feet over the side of the bed. He sits for a moment before getting up to exit the room. Exit the room he would have, had he not about ran into the edge of an extremely sharp gold-plated shitty sword. Realization hits him like a brick wall at a hundred miles per hour just before the tip of the blade slices his nose in half. His nose catches only a millimeter of wiggle room and his widened eyes cross to look at the offending object, surprise and a hint of terror showing on his face. 

Jake’s eyes widen as well. Sure, he’s known Dirk for quite some time now. He’s “known” Dirk (wionk *wonk wonk). But he has never known him to be made of blood, let alone his own. He looks over his boyfriend a couple times, just to make sure it’s actually him. Well, now would be a good time to be impotent, but unfortunately, only the much older incarnation of the green-eyed boy holding the golden katana has achieved that luxury. This is proven by the evident tent that is his boxers. He just couldn’t wait until their next camping trip. Him being turned on by all this is not a very good thing, mainly because he’s holding a razor-sharp katana just barely a millimeter away from Dirk’s nose. And it’s so. Fucking. Hot. Ladies and gentlemen, Jake English has a new fetish. 

Of course, this situation might have been a little bit better, had Dirk’s clothes also turned into blood and came with him. Therefore, as of right now, he’s not only standing in harm’s way, considering that Jake can’t control a sword worth a fuck, as proven by several attempts to teach him how to fight, but he’s also nude. It is also evident that unlike Jake, this is not a Dirk Strider fetish. 

“So … you gonna put the sword down?” Dirk breaks the silence. 

Jake thinks for a few seconds before responding. “Well, it all depends, ole chap. Are you going to attack?”

“Only if you don’t let me get far away from you before you put the sword down.” Okay, Dirk, that was a bitch move. Jake is self-conscious about his sword handling skills. But it probably would be best for the Strider’s own safety if he backed away at least ten feet. This is proven by Jake accidentally allowing the sword to slip out of his hand. The sword falls to the floor and gets a new red paint job as it slices Dirk’s right leg and foot open. If everyone wasn’t awake already, they are now with Dirk’s incredibly-manly-for-a-homo cry of pain. Seconds later, Other Bro busts open the door, still having yet to put a shirt on, a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, and a katana at the ready. Of course, his heroic façade is broken when he sees the horrible gash in Dirk’s leg. Now, Dave, no matter what age, is not one to panic … wait … I think we may have disproven that when we watched him freak out over a certain John Egbert in a coma. But still, if he sees something bad, he’s going to do something about it. Unfortunately, that something just so happens to be panicking.

  


“I still don’t understand why you chose now, of all times, to do this.” Bro can’t be more annoyed at trolls right now—specifically Cronus. Right now, he stands outside the old motel door, waiting for the sea dwelling troll to gather Karkat’s stuff so they can get out of there. They’ve currently been there for three hours now. It would be a wonder why Bro doesn’t just go in there and gather up everything for the troll, but it’s completely obvious that Dirk, no matter what age, clothing optional, is just too damn fabulous to do any of that shit. Sometimes he wonders if he should just change his name to “Fabio” and get it done and over with. He gives a somewhat annoyed sight, as if to say that he’s bored and that this is taking too long, but he couldn’t give a rat’s ass right now because he’s just that cool. 

Of course, his being fabulously cool whilst standing just outside the door of an old, run down motel would be interrupted by a phone call from a frantic Other Bro. It goes as follows:

What do you want?

dude younger you is back and hes bleeding

What?

hes bleeding everywhere and i dont know what to do

Get that one troll to heal it. I’m sure he can do something. Or, at least I think he has power over blood. 

yea youre probably right

Is that all you wanted?

uh let me think about that yes

Besides, he probably deserves it. I heard on the radio on the way over here that someone who was described as looking oddly like him is wanted for murder in Oregon. 

what you dont think that little you did do you

Well, the suspect’s description matches up perfectly with Dirk’s looks. I think it’s quite possible. Just tell him that I’m disappointed and slap a Band-Aid on the booboo. He’ll get over it.

dirk its way more than a booboo! his ENTIRE fucking LEG is ripped open!

That’s not my problem. It would be my problem if it was my leg, but it isn’t. Now can I just get back to what I was doing?

but it is your leg! well technically it is dirks but he is just a younger you so i guess that it is your leg how can you not be worried

`Easily, listen.` With that, Bro hangs up the phone and gets back to fabulously standing outside the door. Five minutes later, Cronus wheels himself out with a couple suitcases on his lap and tells Bro to get the other four. Bro does as told, though mainly because he has nothing better to do now that Other Bro has wasted his time. Yes, Dave, even without any sort of time powers, can somehow find a way to perfectly waste it. Mainly with his own problems. 

  


But back to Other Bro’s situation …

It appears that the only way for Kankri to heal Dirk’s leg is for the latter to be seated next to him and Other Bro to be nowhere near them. Well, it would also help for Dirk to be wearing at least a shirt as well. 

“JAKE! HOW COULD YOU LET THE FUCKING SWORD SLIP OUT OF YOUR HAND?! IT’S SOLID FUCKING GOLD!”

“Actually, it’s plated with solid fucking gold,” Other Bro corrects Dirk. “There is a difference.”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE BECAUSE, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY FUCKING SEE, MY LEG HAS BEEN SLICED COMPLETELY THE FUCK OPEN!!!!” NOW IT IS … WAIT … sorry, my bad. I left caps lock on. Now it is Dirk’s turn to glare at everyone with eyes burning with the hatred of a thousand hells. “JUST SEW MY FUCKING LEG UP!!!” Okay, make that a million hells. 

“But don’t you think that will hurt without any anesthetics,” Other Bro asks nervously.

“`MY RAGE IS MY ANESTHETIC!!!`” Yes, Dirk is just so angry that his voice has literally become red text. Or, at least, can only be represented with this particular color. “`IT’S THE BUTT FUCKING NOVOCAINE TO MY METAPHORICAL FUCKING ROOT CANAL!!!`” Dirk stands on his left leg as he keeps his injured right leg steady as to not cause any more pain than necessary. This was NOT part of the deal. Godkat is going to fucking pay for this someday. That is, unless something happens to make that not happen. 

“Okay, just hold still!” Dirk tries his best to obey the command of his version of Bro, but still squirms some. It isn’t his fault that he’s scared to death of needles, though, that would give rise to the mystery that is the fact that he used to make his own puppets. No, wait, his fear came about after he pricked his thumb. Never mind. “Ugh, Kankri, get your ass in here and help!” 

“Not until you put a shirt on,” the troll shouts from the living room. 

“Are we seriously going to do this now? For fuck’s sake, Vantas, Dirk’s bleedin’ to death in here!” 

“Then you can call an ambulance. But until you put a shirt on, I am not going anywhere near you.”

“`DON’T CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE! I DON’T NEED ANY ATTENTION!!!`” Dirk moves ever so slightly, which causes Other Bro to lose his grip and shove the needle into Dirks’ femur. He lets out a sharp cry from the pain. You would too if you just had a needle practically shoved into your bone. 

“I told you to hold the fuck still,” Other Bro scolds, to which Dirk gives an evil glare in response. 

Jake takes this as the time to step into action. If anyone is going to help Other Bro do things around here, it might as well be him since no one else is. Though, beating Dirk in the head with his glass Snoopy bank probably wasn’t the best option. Yes, it calmed the young Strider down, but it also shattered a perfectly good Snoopy bank. It would be a safe assumption to make that Other Bro is completely surprised at this new side of Jake. After all, Dirk loved that Snoopy bank. If he didn’t have a reason to kill Jake before, he does now. That is, unless somehow they are able to get another one, though they think that may be hard considering they stopped making them, or stopped selling them, anyway. Do you know how expensive it would be to blow glass into the shape of the famous beagle that is Snoopy? Other Bro doesn’t, but he thinks it would be rather expensive. 

Ain’t no one fucks with Dirk’s Snoopy bank.  
Ain’t no one.  


* * *

  
 **Commence random time jump about fifteen minutes to the time when John wakes up …**

You, as the reader, decide to jump ahead about fifteen minutes into the future to witness John awakening from his burn induced coma, healed by the pudding—I mean … sopor slime. Of course, just because he wakes up doesn’t mean the burns are going to be healed. They are just going to be healed enough to where he’ll be able to not be in the lowest possible state of consciousness. 

All around the room, everyone, well, the people that are there, anyway, wait for the new troll to wake up in what they expect to be around three hours or so. Rose, however, can’t get the thought of Dave making out with an unconscious John out of her mind. It’s a good thing John wasn’t actually dead like he originally thought. She sits in a chair beside John’s … er … Spades’s bed with hatred in her eyes. Kanaya sits next to her, trying to keep her under control. 

Slowly, but surely, John opens his eyes. At first, it goes unnoticed by everyone; when he makes small moan, everyone looks up at him, unsure of what to do. They don’t want to overwhelm him right after he wakes up—like he wasn’t overwhelmed already as it is. Way to go, First Guardian. At first, he is disoriented. As he looks around, he is confused as to why everyone is staring at him, and Rose with a weird anger in her eyes, and Kanaya looking at Rose as to say, “Calm those weird nubs on your swollen pectoral masses.”

And then it hits him.

Like two semis colliding head on at a hundred miles per hour. 

How could he possibly forget that he has a certain red-eyed mutant teenage human Strider to destroy? Rather easily, apparently. With a sudden push up off the bed, he rises to his feet, suddenly aware of a severe burning sensation between his legs. This is probably a good time for him to rethink Terezi’s suggestion to get tested for any STD, though everyone is pretty sure Karkat doesn’t have anything. What John is feeling now, however, points toward the contrary. Somewhat fortunately for him, though, it is only severely burned. He should not have slipped and knocked that pot of flaming scotty dog soup on himself.  
Nevertheless, his sudden Strider bloodlust is motivation enough for him to ignore the sensation, no matter how painful, and keep moving. Meanwhile, everyone else in the room has no idea whether to applaud for being able to do so much after just waking up from a rather short coma, well, just a coma all together, and with burns somewhat nowhere near being completely healed, or whether to get him to lay his ass back down in bed and wait for them to take him back home. They obviously choose the latter, but not until John unintentionally gave away his intentions. Sometimes when you’re mad, you just can’t help but to mumble to yourself your intentions, no matter how hard you try to keep it a secret. 

Once Jade grabs him to lead him back to the bed he begins to struggle. He fights against her the entire way, well, at least up Roxy and Terezi come over to help. Then he struggles against all three of them. Rose sits out of the struggle because she would much prefer John to do what he was just mumbling, which involves a lot of blood and pain and gore and possibly a death sentence. Kanaya sits out to make sure Rose remains sitting out. Soon after John is taken by the group, the struggle escalates to using claws and whatever means necessary. He even begins cussing everyone out and scratching and even rips a little skin off Roxy’s forearm. 

Even with three people holding him back, John is incredibly difficult to push back. He signed up for athletic P.E. in school, though he doesn’t do any sports. Instead, he did it just to stay in shape. And stay in shape he did, along with build up strength, which never showed itself in any sort of muscular form. But he is strong nevertheless, and he is using it to his own advantage. 

After minutes of struggling, the two girls and the troll are unable to hold him and let go, allowing John to rush out of the room and down the hall. He makes his way over to the front door and busts through, not even bothering to make sure it’s unlocked—which it wasn’t. Just one more thing for Diamonds to fix. 

The crowd of news reporters and police jump back in shock at the seemingly rabid troll that has just made its way through a locked door. John seems not to notice, and the only calm person there seems to be Diamonds, who, after a couple hours of holding back police and news reporters, has had enough excitement for the rest of his own miserable life, so when the troll finds his way to Ms. Paint’s van, he pulls out a revolver. John tries his best to hotwire the vehicle before he can be caught, considering he actually pays attention in auto shop unlike the rest of his class, but Diamonds beats the crowd by a good shot and a half, and John falls to the ground, not necessarily unconscious, but paralyzed, at the very least. Diamonds makes his way though the stunned crowd and drags John by his feet back into the building. He meets the kids and trolls and Ms. Paint in the living room just inside the broken door. “I’ll give it back so long as you promise to get rid of it now.” He gives the group an annoyed glare. 

The kids nod nervously, and take John back from the carapacian. Ms. Paint leads them out through the kitchen, and past a rather annoyed Spades, who just sips on his coffee and does nothing to stop them. He does, however, flips them the bird as they pass. It’s just his way of expressing his appreciation. He offers no help when the group of kids and trolls and Ms. Paint try to get John, whose limp body seems heavier for some reason, into Mom’s minivan. They thank Ms. Paint for taking relatively good care of John while they were on their way over and drive off, leaving the white carapacian behind with a few tears in her eyes. The moment, however, is ruined when Spades orders her to get the fuck off her ass and clean the genetic material off his bed. 

Rose is perfectly happy to be behind the wheel of her mom’s minivan. But eyebrows are raised when she drives in the opposite direction of the hospital. “Well, that’s his problem,” she replies when Kanaya asks her how she expects Dave to get back. She carries a proud smirk on her face as they slip by everything completely unnoticed and make their way back on the interstate toward home, though she had no idea about Jake’s encounter with Karkat …  


* * *

  
“So, Karkat, please refresh my memory. It is your lusus-in-legality that is the one who kicked you out, correct?” Kankri attempts to talk to the now human Karkat, who is finally getting dressed after waiting a few hours in the closet. He does, however, have a newfound hatred toward Other Bro. Seriously, who shouts, “Tadaaaa,” when someone comes out of the closet? That’s just rude. 

Karkat emerges a couple minutes later wearing the light blue pants that John had convinced him to buy and his signature black sweatshirt with a grey cancer symbol. “This doesn’t look right,” he grumbles when he walks out of Dave’s bedroom. 

“Oh, that’s just because you’re used to seeing yourself dressed like that as a troll,” Kankri scolds him. “You look fine.” Karkat won’t admit it, or even show it, but he’s actually proud of his dancestor for not talking at great lengths like he usually does. They grow up so fast. 

But what the human doesn’t know is that they all plan on taking him back to John’s house. This is the reason Kankri wants to make sure that it was John’s dad who did this. That way he knows who to lecture. Karkat, however, is dreading the moment when he and John see each other again, though he has no idea that that is sooner than he thinks. He becomes a little suspicious when he is blindfolded. However, he is told that he’s being taken to a very special place that can set him up with clothes that are better suited for humans. His suspicions come from the fact that the special place could be any freaking store that sells clothes, considering trolls are hated in society. 

As soon as they arrive, Viceroy runs out the door and proceeds to vomit in the beautiful Zen garden in front of the porch. “Well, I guess we’ll be doing some work before John gets back,” Other Bro says with a slight grimace.

“I’m terribly sorry,” Viceroy begins before vomiting again. “One person can only hold so much alcohol.” He dry heaves at the mention of such a horrendous substance. “If you want to know … ,” dry heave, “talk—talk to Jane.”

“Okay … ,” Casey begins. “Is it at least _safe_ for _me_ to go in there?” Viceroy only gives a nod in response, which seems to be too much as he vomits again. The group walks into the house with Karkat still blindfolded. They added earplugs so that he would be completely unaware of the events up until they are ready to unveil to him where he is. Other Bro walks him upstairs into his and John’s room where the human is set in a soft chair that only John sat in. Karkat honestly hated that chair and never went anywhere near it, so it was helpful in allowing him to not know where he is. To seal everything, he is handcuffed and footcuffed(?), and Other Bro places a clothespin on his nose so that he won’t be able to smell anything. Other Bro takes an earplug out of Karkat’s left ear to tell him that he’ll be right there in the room with him and to just stay put. He’ll find out where he is soon enough. After that is said, the earplug is put back, and Other Bro walks out and locks Karkat in his room. Well, he doesn’t actually lock the door so much as wedge coins between the door and doorframe, but oh well. It makes the door damn near impossible to open and that works for him.

Downstairs in the dining room, Jane is trying to nurse a severe hangover. She really thought she was done with those after Trickster Mode. Casey, trying to get back on Jane’s good side, has gotten the latter a glass of water. She really doesn’t need this. Her blood-alcohol concentration had to be at least 1, or at least that’s what she figures. Viceroy must be a veteran drinker if he can stand this much alcohol in one night. She should’ve known better, considering she can’t even withstand a tiny little lick of a lollipop without going batshit crazy and suffering from severe dehydration. Well, at least alcohol-drunkenness isn’t contagious.

  


Back at Chez Strider/Pyrope, Bro sews Dirk’s leg and foot back up, but refuses to clean up the mess left behind, leaving a severely weakened Dirk to clean up his own blood. Though Dirk never was before, he feels as though he is now a hemophobe. 

“You are pathetic, you know that,” an all-too-familiar voice startles Dirk, who turns to find the Knight of Blood sitting on his bed. “But I do not, in any form of the word, pity you. You are despicable and disgusting. And I hate you in a completely platonic way.” Dirk just flips him off because he feels to weak to talk. “Ooh, I’m so intimidated,” the Knight mocks. “Now, listen. John will be here in less than ten hours, and you are by no means in good enough shape to kill him. He is a full troll now and has strength to rival that of the adult incarnation of you. In other words, he could crush you with one hand. Now, I’m going to heal your leg and return your blood to you, but don’t think you can get out of this deal by slicing it open again!” With that said, the Knight snaps his fingers and Dirk’s blood soaks through his skin and back into his veins. The sewed up gash on his leg heals, leaving only a scar behind, and in minutes, he’s feeling stronger again. 

He raises his head to say “Thank you” to the Knight, but the latter beats him to speaking. “Just so you know, Jake didn’t actually cheat on you. Jane wouldn’t allow him to be distracted from the goal of tormenting poor little Casey.” This visibly settles Dirk. He even feels stupid for ever doubting the weird, Australian-accented boy. “But, just for motivation, John wants to kill him. Have fun.” The Knight gives a crooked smile and disappears, leaving Dirk alone to train for the next several hours.  


* * *

  
Skipping ahead a few hours, John wakes up in the minivan. He fell asleep because there was simply nothing better for his paralyzed body to do. Well, at least his burns are healed completely, save for the one on his naughty parts. But fortunately, Ms. Paint slipped a small bucket of that earwax-sopor slime into the back of the van, so he just applies some to the area of burn and enjoys its cooling sensation. Only a few more hours and he’ll be home, and healed. He looks over and sees that no one has noticed he isn’t paralyzed anymore. Perhaps Dave is already back home. If not, there’s always Jake to take care of first.  


* * *

  
Skipping ahead a few more hours, back at Chez Crocker/now Vantas, Other Bro goes upstairs to check on Karkat, only to find that the human has fallen asleep. Other Bro has told everyone to be quiet until he returns downstairs, so it is safe to pull out the earplugs, which is what he does first. This wakes Karkat up, and the human wonders what’s going on. “Shh, it’s alright. I’m just going to undo everything here, and you’ll see where you are.” Other Bro takes off the clothespin next, which gives sweet release to the pain that Karkat had not even noticed. Next off are the handcuffs on both his wrists and ankles, and finally the blindfold. The sudden rush of light blinds him and he snaps his eyes shut for a couple minutes before he’s able to open them and get a good look around. The look on his face is nothing short of stunned, especially when he realizes that he’s been sitting his this stupid chair that he hates so much for the past nine and a half hours. The thought disgusts him. “Oh, and, by the way, Rose and the others are going to be here with John in about twenty minutes.” Other Bro gives a slight smile and pats Karkat’s left arm a couple times before the human fully realizes what has just been said. When the realization hits him like an anvil falling on an egg, he shoves Other Bro out the door and locks himself in his room. There is no way to unlock the door from the outside, so only he can unlock it. There is no way he is about to let John see him like this. “Aw, Karkitten,” Other Bro tries to coax Karkat out.

“Go the fuck away,” Karkat shouts back through the door. 

“But you haven’t told me what’s wrong,” Other Bro complains.

“There is no fucking way John is going to see me like this, you understand that?” Karkat crawls up on the bed and hides himself under the covers. A single tear slips from his eye.

  


“Yeah, we probably shouldn’t have told him that John was going to be here,” Other Bro says as he walks down the stairs into the kitchen. 

“Why,” Casey asks. 

“Well, he won’t come out. I don’t know why, but he won’t.” Other Bro sits in the chair that Jane has long since given up to go lie down. Viceroy, though not having a hangover, agrees that’s probably a good idea, considering that his stomach isn’t the calmest thing ever at this point in time. Take that as a lesson, kids—even if you do posses the powers of the Horrorterrors, it isn’t a good idea to consume several gallons of alcohol. 

A few minutes later, Dad walks through the front door. After like, two days of being trapped in the bakery, he is wore out and promptly collapses on the couch. You know there’s something wrong when the first thing Dad does when he gets back from the bakery is anything but grabbing his pipe and lighting it. Casey runs into the living room to give him a hug after not seeing him for a while, but he just pushes her off and tells her to wait until he isn’t as tired. This makes the ten-year-old sad, but she understands. She doesn’t really know why he’s so wore out, but whatever. She’ll wait to attack. 

Several more minutes pass, but not twenty. Excuse Rose for being ever so slightly off on her calculations. It’s difficult to tell how traffic is going to be. But anyway, she pulls into the now Crocker/Egbert/Vantas household. The slamming of the driver and passenger doors is heard by everyone, and everyone except for Dad, Karkat, Jane, and Viceroy go out to see Rose, Roxy, Kanaya, and Terezi picking a seemingly limp John up by all four of his limbs and carrying him toward the house. His gray skin has gotten a few shades darker since he was captured, and not because of the burns. His messy hair has gotten thicker and fuller. His horns have gotten wider and slightly longer, and his claws have gotten noticeably longer and razor sharp, as dictated by the bandage on Roxy’s arm. Jake is just now finishing up with the Zen garden because, you know, it’s kind of hard to make a mistake look like it never happened without having to fix the entire freaking thing. As he looks at John as the troll is carried onto the porch and into the house, he can see John staring back at him with a certain hatred in his eyes that can’t even be matched by Lord English. This makes him rather nervous, and he isn’t sure whether to tell the others or just pass it off as his imagination. He decides to tell the others.

“Yeah, we know,” Rose replies when he tells. “He was sedated before we brought him back. We don’t know how much longer it will last, but it would probably be a good idea for you to go away for a little while—just to let him cool off.” Jake nods and starts walking out of the front door. “And make sure you go somewhere where you know you’re safe. He is quite stong!” As soon as Jake steps off the porch he takes off, beelining to Chez Strider/Pyrope. Too bad Sollux is nowhere to be found at the current moment.

Dad has no idea what all that was about, and he doesn’t want to know, so he just falls asleep on the couch before he can see John. John, on the other hand, snaps out of the charade and dashes through the kitchen and up the stairs. He’s had enough of exposing himself. Jake will have to wait until he gets dressed. But when he gets to his door, it won’t open. He pounds on it and does whatever he can, but it doesn’t open. “Alright, who the fuck locked the door?!” When no one answers him, he becomes even more irritated and pounds on the door some more. Then he tries something he hadn’t thought of. He takes his claw and carefully shoves it in between the door and doorframe, dragging it along until it finds the latch. He carefully maneuvers his claw in front of the latch until he can push it back in the door. It takes him a couple tries, but he finally accomplishes it. He pushes the door open and slips inside, closing it behind him and making sure that it locks. He doesn’t want anyone to walk in on him, though he has absolutely no part of his body to hide at this point. He makes his way around the bed and to the dresser, unaware of the human hidden beneath the covers. Under said covers, Karkat shifts the blankets slightly to hide his face more. He bites his lower lip as more tears come out of his eyes. He knows how well a troll’s sense of smell is, and he hopes that this troll doesn’t smell him, or, at the very least, can’t. 

For a moment, it seems as though Karkat will go by completely unnoticed. That is, until John looks over and notices that the blankets are all together on the bed in a pile, which is weird because he and Karkat have separate blankets. They never share blankets for any reason, except for … well, you know. He reaches down and pulls his blankets—the top six blankets—off the pile, but when he looks back, he notices that Karkat’s eight blankets are in a pile that couldn’t possibly exist with how much they’re spread out. He slowly reaches his right hand down and quickly removes the blankets, revealing the intruder lying on the bed.

  


“So … ,” Kankri begins, handing the new arrivals a few cups of coffee, “What happened to John?”

“It’s a long story,” Jade says. “If you want to know why he’s so violent all of a sudden, ask him. It could simply just be a side effect of this, but I don’t know.”

“Yes, he seems to be hostile only toward Dave and Jake. We don’t know why,” Rose continues from where Jade left off. “Well, I might know the reason for his hostility toward Dave, but I’m not quite sure.” She sips on her coffee.

“Would that reason happen to be the same as what you are pissed about,” Jade asks.

“Yes.” 

“Okay, I don’t mean to meddle, but what would this reason be,” Kankri asks. Rose hesitates for a minute before telling the triggerTracker. Kankri’s eyes go wide at the explanation. He thinks he may have another person to lecture.


	37. Chapter 36

“Mr. Egbert,” Roxy attempts to get the tired Dad’s attention. All he wants to do, however, is sleep. On the couch. Because he’s too freaking tired to get up and walk to a more comfortable area, say, the floor. “Wouldn’t you rather sleep in your bed?”

“I would like that, but I can’t move,” Dad moans in response, not moving his face from its position buried in the couch pillow. 

“Kankri, take Mr. Egbert upstairs!” To this, the troll groans. He can’t lecture the poorly-rested human because said human would fall asleep on him, and he sure doesn’t want to go anywhere near him, but since he must, in order to not trigger anyone, he will. He picks Dad up and carries him bridal style upstairs to his room, where he drops the human on his queen-size bed. Unknown to Dad, Viceroy takes up the other side of the bed, and that jolt did not help to settle his alcohol-supersaturated stomach. He would just use his majyyk enyrjjies to fix it, but he doesn’t feel well enough to use them at all. He leans over the side of the bed, holding a bucket right under his face in case of geysers. The sight of his face over the bucket makes Kankri cringe in disgust. “Do you need help getting under the blankets,” the troll asks Dad.

“No, I think I can get it from here,” Dad replies and the troll leaves. Dad slowly covers himself with the blankets, disturbing Viceroy but not seeming to notice.

  


* * *

  


The minute John saw Karkat lying in his bed, he wasn’t sure how to react. At first it was terror at an intruder. Then it was relief that he was okay. Then it was complete happiness. But Karkat didn’t feel the same. For the human, it was the opposite. He felt hear, then embarrassed, then shame. He couldn’t even look at John—at the monster he created, and John saw this. There weren’t many times when one had to be comforted by the other, but somehow, he just knows what to do.

John slowly gets in the bed and hugs Karkat from behind, burying his face in the back of the human’s neck. He stays like this for a minute or so before grabbing the latter's hand and pulling it up over his shoulder. John moves his own head to an angle so that he can kiss it. This gets no response from the human, however, so then he just asks what's wrong. He gets no response from Karkat, which means that there’s definitely something wrong and he doesn’t want anyone to know, So John lifts his head so that his mouth is next to Karkat’s ear and asks if he wants to talk about it because, you know, people who don’t say what’s wrong typically always want to talk about it. Unsurprisingly, Karkat shakes his human head without saying anything and pulls his hand out of John’s. 

The truth of it is Karkat does want to talk about it. However, he sounds absolutely horrible. Yes, he can talk, but it literally sounds like he’s been gargling rough sandpaper. His vocal cords just have to loosen up a little bit more before he dares talk in front of John. It’s not that he’s self-conscious. He’s just paranoid—paranoid that any little thing would cause John to leave him and leave him completely alone. Alone and useless. Completely useless. And Completely alone. Was “alone” mentioned yet? Who knew that the fierce Karkat Vantas was afraid of anything? You didn’t. 

“You know, if it makes you feel any better, I already knew you were a human now,” John says softly, trying to get the other to talk. When Karkat doesn’t respond, John continues on. “Would you like to hear about what happened to me?” All he gets is a nod, so he talks some more. “Well, at first, I locked myself in here because I was so pissed at dad, and somehow Jane talked her way in. So me and her talked for a while and then Jake came over and took her place. I was actually starting to feel a little bit better with him here, you know, with the way he used to talk and everything—he was talking that way to me then. I think it was just because he wanted to make me laugh and get my mind off the separation or something.

“But anyway, I came downstairs for some chicken, and I ate it, then I realized that it was raw, which made me just think ‘Ew, I just ate a piece of raw chicken.’ Have you ever done that … wait, you’ve eaten grubsauce, or whatever it’s called, so don’t answer that.” Like Karkat was going to anyway. “Anyway, Jake noticed the chicken was raw and just about threw up over it, so he ran out. After a little while, I was kind of worried so I went out to look for him and Casey snuck up behind me and beat me in the head with a skillet. Then I guess she dragged me over and threw me down the steps and called the Midnight Crew, who came by and took me away.” A few hours later I was put in a different van and taken the rest of the way. That carapacian was actually pretty nice. But I think Spades may be abusive toward her. But anyway, When we got there, she started making this soup—I guess she called it “licorice scotty dog soup?” but she put too many licorice scotty dogs in and it blew up. While I was helping and trying to put out the fire, I slipped on a wet part of the floor and knocked the pot down on top of me. Wow, you know, when you touch your own, it doesn’t really feel all that weird, but when you touch someone else’s, no matter who it is, it just feels weird, like, unnatural. Have you ever noticed that? It just doesn’t feel right. When I still had one, I touched it, no problem, and never gave a second thought. Wow, that sounded really wrong, but now that you have one, it just feels weird. It could be that I’m used to feeling the tentacles … ,” While John was talking, his hand had subconsciously found its way down Karkat’s pants and started fondling his human genitalia. “Yeah, I’m assuming you still like this? I mean, if you don’t want me to, you know, play with it while we lie here like when you were a troll, I can stop.” Karkat nods his head, and John takes his hand out of his pants and continues to just hug the human. “Now, where was I … oh. So, anyway, then I was covered in this flaming liquid. I always did like flambés. I just never thought I would ever become one. But I did. So she took me to the shower and I cooled off and then she took me out about twenty or so minutes later and slapped me with a bunch of burn cream and bandaged me.” John stops to take a breath. Yeah, you didn’t think he would, did you?

It breaks Karkat’s human vascular pump to hear this. How could his matesprit go through all this and not once have received any help from him? That is another reason why Karkat never wants John to leave, or vice versa. He doesn’t want anything to happen to one of them and not have the other to help. He begins to cry some more, but he doesn’t let John know. 

“So, I just laid there, completely bandaged up and in the dark because she wrapped my face up too. A little while later she brought me soup and started panicking because I wasn’t awake, but I was awake, so I was confused, and you know, kind of in a coma. Do you know what a coma is? I’ll have to tell you what it’s like someday. But anyway, some while later, that creepy First Guardian guy stopped by my subconscious and gave me sopor slime, which, as it turns out, is pudding. So it tasted amazing, unlike what you always say. But he told me something about a ‘psychic entanglement’ thing that means that you felt what I felt or whatever. So I guess you did kind of know what happened to me. Then I woke up and started going crazy and murderous toward Jake and Dave, the former of which I’m going to pay a violent visit once we’re done here, and was sedated or whatever by that one carapacian that always looks like he doesn’t give an oversized squeakbeast’s ass about anything … wow, I’m even talking like a troll now … but then I was brought back and now I’m here with you.” He reaches his head around and kisses Karkat’s cheek, not noticing that the latter is crying. But why would John be murderous toward Jake and Dave, the human wonders.

After a couple minutes, Karkat turns back around and curls into John, who just hugs him tighter and finally notices the tears. Instead of asking what’s wrong, he just mumbles soft, comforting words in Karkat’ ear and hugs him tighter. Eventually, Karkat falls asleep, and John can’t bring himself to leave, so he just lies there for a while. And exactly, one unspecified unit of time later, Other Bro comes a knocking on the door and asks if everyone’s all right in there, considering that John has been up there for a while and they’re concerned over whether or not he’s eaten Karkat or just fucking him. John just shouts for him to go the fuck away and leave them alone. This startles Karkat out of his peaceful slumber in the troll’s arms, which annoys John because he was enjoying that sight, and he scolds Other Bro for that, not knowing that Other Bro went back downstairs to talk some more with Rose, Roxy, and Jade. Terezi and Kankri just went off to do their own thing. After his rant, John turns back to Karkat. Both of them fall asleep peacefully together, reunited in their bed. 

  


* * *

  


Back over at the Strider/Pyrope household, the younger iteration of Bro prepared to execute his end of an agreement. The Knight was right, though. John wanting to kill Jake is a great source of motivation. He arms himself with two katanas—one being the gold-plated one, and the other being a regular shitty katana. The regular katana is just for backup. A deal this important must be executed with the finest of tools. A golden katana is the ultimate choice weapon for the job.

Dirk slips out of the house unnoticed and begins running toward the Egbert/Crocker/Vantas home. About halfway there, something pops up right in front of him and knocks him back onto his ass. All he sees is just a flash of white before he lands. He quickly rolls over and hops up onto his feet, drawing the backup katana to fight. He looks around, but sees nothing, so he keeps moving ahead, wary of his surroundings. As he runs, the creature suddenly pops up in front of him again, knocking him back, but not on his ass, like last time. Instead, Dirk quickly regains his footing and lunges himself at the creature, which disappears and—

Enter Name: **This is my story, not yours. Shut up.**

—and reappears with it’s body completely encasing Dirk, leaving only his right foot and the katana blade sticking out of its front and back respectively. It stays like this before it disappears, throwing Dirk into an oak tree fifteen feet away. As the young Strider slips into unconsciousness, the creature appears once more and crouches down next to Dirk, whose eyes are closed. And the last thing the boy hears before he slips out of consciousness is “Never accept a deal with a devil.”


	38. Chapter 37: Found Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I created a Tumblr account so I can post stuff about the story/stories and answer any questions that anyone may have. I might also build the houses and other places in the story in Minecraft and post screenshots if anyone was wondering what they actually look like, so yeah.

_Wait, since when did the doors have locks?_

John has lived in this house ever since about a day after they entered the universe, and for that entire time, the doors, save the bathroom door and front door, have had exactly zero locks on them. The sad part is that this is the second time he’s had to use the locks. Yeah, he always was a few neutrons short of an isotope. And therefore, the result of there mysteriously being locks cannot be placed on the author’s own forgetfulness about the finer details. But none of you noticed that. 

As of right now, and you have most likely noticed this already, John is pondering why there are locks on the doors all of a sudden. He quickly gets bored with this and goes back to whatever he was doing … whatever that was. Something about dreaming about being with Karkat … wait, was it a dream? John looks to where the human was in his arms when he had fallen asleep. But all that is there is air. He is also lying in a full-size bed, rather than the queen he had been in when he’d fallen asleep. But the room is the exact same. Every other aspect of the room is the same. The only difference is that Karkat is gone and John isn’t a troll anymore. Maybe it was all a dream—turning into a troll and the queen-size bed. Perhaps if he goes downstairs, everything will be normal.

No, no. Normal is apparently too much to ask for, is it? When he goes down the few steps leading from the hallway into the kitchen, he is greeted with a neglectful “Oh, Sleeping Beauty’s awake,” from Jane, who is busy baking a cake.

“Jane, what’s going on here,” John asks.

“Nothing. You just woke up. You and dad were upstairs taking naps so I decided to bake a couple cakes to pass the time.” Jane seems confused at John’s question. Doesn’t he remember anything?

“No, I’m talking about Karkat. And everyone else.” 

“Well, I don’t know about this ‘Karkat,’ but everyone else is probably doing what they usually do around this time.” Now it’s John’s turn to be confused. Was his entire sex—love life a complete dream about some random, nonexistent person, or troll, or whatever? “What about Casey,” John asks quickly.

“John, who are you talking about,” Jane says as she pulls a freshly baked cake out of the oven. “What the hell were you dreaming about up there?” Jane gets this confused look on her face and goes over to the phone to call Rose when she sets the cake down on a cooling rack. John walks over and sits down on the couch, leaning forward and resting his head in his hands, which are propped up on his knees by his elbows. A few minutes later, Jane tells him that she and Rose set up an appointment to see a famous hypnotist—Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer—about finding out what his problem is, considering that he always wakes up and starts asking weird questions about these weird “trolls” and stuff. 

A few hours later, everyone is gathered in the living room awaiting for Viceroy to show up. He shows up about five minutes later, and introduces himself to everyone. When he sits down next to John on the couch, he tells everyone to be quiet, and for John to calm down and relax, clear his mind, and imagine himself in a meadow, full of flowers and butterflies on a nice, warm, sunny day with a cool breeze. John is completely under in a minute, and Viceroy begins to ask him questions pertaining to these weird people he’s been discussing. “Now, one last thing,” Viceroy begins as he concludes the session, “What’s going through your mind right now?” 

“Well, that’s easy,” John says with a slight chuckle, “I’m wondering why the doors all have locks.” The word “locks” seems to echo through the room.

_Wait, since when did all the doors have locks?_

  


“John! John, wake up!” Karkat is shaking John a little bit violently. John doesn’t respond right away, but eventually wakes up after a few minutes with people gathering around the door, trying to get in to see what Karkat is so worked up about. When John gets over the shock of being violently shaken awake by someone who sounds like they need a bunch of oil poured down their larynx, he reaches over and grabs his spare glasses out of his nightstand. He puts them on to see what? A really worried Karkat who just so happens to be human. And, John never thought he would ever say this, but he’s glad to be a troll. He wasn’t able to get a really good look at Karkat before, considering his vision is incredibly blurry without his glasses, so with this new look that Karkat has decided to try, well, it isn’t really working out for him. He should go back to being a troll. But right now, John doesn’t care—like he would anyway. He’s overjoyed to see Karkat, like, actually see him, and not be in some weird, twisted dream. He jumps on top of the worried human to give him an extremely tight bear hug, almost suffocating him. Well, at least Karkat now knows that John isn’t going to leave him.

John can feel that Karkat is a little stressed. Okay, a lot stressed. And that gives him an idea. He whispers into Karkat’s ear before he lets go of the human to sit up. Karkat’s eyes go wide at the suggestion, and he gives John a questioning look. John only smiles mischievously and grabs a hold of the human’s shirt, pulling him in and connecting their faces. The two don’t stop their tonsil hockey match as Karkat climbs on top of John to begin their … well, John’s … uh-new fantasy. Needless to say, they have forgotten the knocking on their door.

Outside the door, everyone that has cared enough to gather around to see what’s wrong, which would include, and be limited to: Other Bro, Rose, Jade, Roxy, and Casey, are sorta-kinda-not-really-but-still shooed away by moans emanating from inside the room of the two reunited matesprits. Other Bro knows these particular moans oh so well, and clasps his hands over Casey’s ears to keep her from hearing. She gives him a confused look in return, to which he mouths “I’ll explain later,” right back. Rose, Jade, and Roxy all get surprised looks on their faces. After a minute they all begin to giggle a little bit. Why? Who knows? All they know for certain is that John and Karkat are screwing and they are being a bunch of pervs and listening to it. When they can silence their giggling, they can hear the bedframe creaking with each thrust of whosever hips is on top (Karkat). This of course, makes them giggle more, but they feel absolutely horrible about it. They know it isn’t right, but they can’t help it. It’s just too entertaining to not listen to. If only Jane could be listening. Or better yet, Cronus. They wait for a few minutes before one of the two in the room (John) shouts out the other’s name in sweet release. Karkat, however, takes about thirty more seconds. 

Back in the bedroom, Karkat lies on top of John, bodies hot against each other and hearts/vascular pumps pounding heavily. That was certainly a new experience for them, and Karkat regrets none of it. John doesn’t either, until they hear the giggling of a certain three girls just outside the door. Well, that moment has just been ruined, but the two aren’t going anywhere. They are perfectly comfortable as they are. They can face their embarrassment when everyone leaves. What embarrassment? No one knows; everyone will be gone by time they come out. 

Unfortunately, The girls have a different idea. They want to be there when the two matesprits come out of their bedroom, fully clothed and pretending nothing ever happened. So they go join Kanaya in the living room and Other Bro brings them a few coffees. After he delivers the coffees, he takes Casey somewhere else in the house and explains to her, in a way a child would understand, what exactly was happening in that room. He advises her that it’s probably not a good idea to touch their bed sheets any time before they are washed in perchloric acid and disposed of as though they were toxic waste, which they pretty much are at this point, or at least they are in Other Bro’s shaded crimson eyes. He has such a way with words, doesn’t he?

You know whose gears would really be ground by this? No, not Peter Griffin’s. The answer is Dad. His gears would most certainly be ground by his half-brother-troll-son banging a human. … Wait, what?

Okay, so perhaps his gears wouldn’t be ground by that, but the fact that there are trolls in his house. And John being a troll is just blue genetic icing on the metaphorical cake. … Sorry, I was just thinking too much of what just happened. 

  


* * *

  


Nothing wakes you up faster than a stranger in your bed.

So, Dad was just sleeping, doing what sleeping Dads tend to do when they sleep, and he unconsciously stretches. During this stretching, his hand makes slight contact with the nose of a certain wizard who just so happens to also be sleeping. Of course, when you accidentally touch something that you had no idea was there, the most obvious course of action to be taken is to feel it up, left, right, and down. This is what Dad does, poking and prodding around and even pulling on the nose to make sure it’s real, and upon realizing it’s a face, wakes up and stares at the intruder with wide eyes. Said intruder somehow remains asleep, and notices nothing. After several minutes of staring, Dad slowly gets up and walks out of the room. He hears a couple people whispering in John’s room, but thinks nothing of it. These past few days have been weird enough as it is. He goes down the few steps leading into the kitchen and pours himself a cup of air, which frustrates him because that air is supposed to be coffee. No one messes with Dad’s fucking coffee … and cake. Coffee and cake. Messing with those two things is just a big, fat, fucking no no. 

As he brews his coffee, he notices yet another intruder. Two of them, actually. One happens to be Kanaya. The other happens to be Terezi. What the fuck happened to no fucking trolls in the house? Breaking that rule is like insulting his baking. It just. Doesn’t. Happen. 

Ever. 

Unless you’re John. 

Speaking of whom, he has yet to give John a tender, fatherly embrace. Where would that boy be?

Enter Location: BREEDING ARENA  
Enter Action: XENOWHOOPEE

Remind me to kill you later. Dad doesn’t need to know any of that. He’s too stressed out already. Or at least he will be once he finds out John is a troll in 3 … 2 … 1 …

Both John and Karkat are startled by the knocking and shut up immediately. They are unsure how to react when Dad softly calls through the door, asking John if it’s okay to open it. Not wanting to take the risk, John quietly whispers a plan into Karkat’s ear. John will hide under the bed and Karkat will just keep hidden under the covers and let the former do all the talking. Karkat agrees and hides himself under a bunch of blankets. John quietly unlocks the door and scurries off under the bed before disguising his voice and calling for Dad to open it. 

The first thing Dad asks when he walks in is who John was talking to. Now, however, is the time when the troll decides that this may not have been a good idea, and apparently, but also luckily, he didn’t talk soon enough and Dad sits on the bed next to Karkat and begins speaking. 

“Look, I know you’re mad at me; you have every right to be, but don’t think for a second that I don’t care about you. He was going to hurt you sooner or later. It’s just better to end it before it happens. There are plenty of other masculine fish in the testosterone sea.” Dad pauses for a couple minutes, slowly rubbing where he thinks John’s shoulder is on top of the blankets covering Karkat. The human under the blankets, however, can feel the rage building up inside of him. “You just have to understand that no troll is good in any way. I mean—look at the gods. While I was trapped in the bakery during the flood, a few of the gods got together and answered some questions pertaining to recent events and it was aired on television before the power went out. I guess there is no God after all. But the troll gods didn’t look like they were any good. If the creators of this universe are bad, then how can their horned descendants be any better?”

John takes this time to speak up. “Have you met any of them? Do you actually know any of them personally? No, you haven’t, and you can’t judge them like that until you know. You even had two trolls living here, and they didn’t do anything and you banished them forever!” Dads seems to not notice that the voice hasn’t even come from under the blankets. 

“John, he’s one of them—“

“No, not anymore!”

“What?” John doesn’t exactly know how to answer, so he just comes out from under the bed and rips the blankets off of Karkat, who glares flaming daggers at Dad. 

“Look at us,” John hisses. “Do I look like the face of evil? Does Karkat’s look like the face of good? No! What do you do now? Your son is a troll and his boyfriend is a human! How does that feel, knowing that you hate your son?!”

“John, I—I What?” The look on Dad’s face can be described only as a cross between rage and confusion. “How long have you been a troll?”

“Since this morning! Do you not have any of your ‘fatherly love’ for me anymore now that I’m this horrible creature that couldn’t possibly be up to any good?! Listen to yourself—you are ignorant. Get out of my room.” Dad does nothing but sit on the bed. He wants answers and damn it, he’s going to get some. Thus the standoff begins.


	39. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have realized I forgot to mention what the name of the tumblr account is, but the URL is: http://priestoflife-lordamerican.tumblr.com/ I'll just be posting things relative to my stories, so ... yeah ... do whatever.

“Okay, Ms. … uh, Paint?” The woman behind the front desk at the hospital hands the white carapacian the release papers. “He’ll be down in just a minute. Why are you just now coming down here to get him?”

“I’ve been caught up in some business around the house,” Ms. Paint replies with a half-smile. The woman behind the desk only nods and points the carapacian to a seat, which the latter takes without a word. She sits for about five minutes before Dave finally gets his ass down to the lobby of the hospital. 

“So, little Rosie finally decided to come pick me up?” Dave doesn’t realize yet that Rose has already taken the others back home. He feels stupid when all he sees is Ms. Paint, who seems to be disappointed. “Shut up and come with me,” she says, unamused. “I’m taking you back home. And since it’s a ten hour drive, I thought I would help you not get mauled by your former best friend.” The last part of that sentence kind of takes Dave by surprise. Kind of because he’s a Strider, and Striders don’t … oh, just forget it; he was taken aback completely and not Ms. Paint is carrying him out to the van because he’s to surprized to move. Why would John not be his best friend … he means, best boy—bro… ?

“Ugh, I have wasted so much money on gas these past few days,” Ms. Paint complains after they get on the interstate. Not wanting her to think he doesn’t care, because she already seems pissed at him enough, he asks, “Why?”

“A few days ago, I was given a tip by that white cat-dog-thing to leave and head back to the base. So I did, and the next day, the entire city of Lolar was flooded under a hundred feet of blood-red water. Seriously, do you realize how much an electron microscope costs? A lot! And there were like, ten of those in my room at the school when it fucking flooded! I not only wasted over fifteen thousand dollars in microscopes, but I also lost some money to pay that shit off from filling up the damn gas tank!”

“Wait, are you actually a teacher, or what?”

“I am, but during the summer and weeks off I come back up here to spend time with Spades. Sometimes I wonder why I agreed to marry him.”

“Woah, just … what? You are married to the Sovereign Slayer?”

“The who?”

“No, the Sovereign Slayer.”

“That’s what I asked.” Ms. Paint is officially confused. 

“No, you asked about the Who.”

“What? I asked who the ‘Sovereign Slayer’ is.” 

Oh, that would make sense … “Yeah, that’s another name for Jack.”

“Who?”

“No, Jack—er, Spades.”

“Ah,” Ms. Paint says, not wanting to cause any more confusion, she places her attention back onto the road just before she ditches the minivan … again. Well, at least the airbag didn’t deploy late this time, as proven by an unbuckled Dave being thrown into the back seat. Seriously, hasn’t this universe ever heard of physics? And more importantly, will Ms. Paint ever learn how to drive? You will encounter all these unanswerable questions and more only in this particular story.

  


* * *

  


Dad is completely obsessed with trolls being evil. “Just take off that stupid disguise already.” He does not, in any way, find John and Karkat’s situation amusing.

“How can I take off the disguise when it is me?! I can’t just rip off my skin! Have you tried it? It’s fucking painful!” It is at this point when Karkat has to hold John back from strangling Dad, which is something he doesn’t really have a problem with, it’s just that John’s claws would probably slit Dad’s jugular vein and get blood all over their bed. They paid a good amount of boondollars for it and they’ll be damned if they let someone’s blood ruin it.

The group has been arguing now for about twenty minutes and Kanaya and Terezi have no idea what to do. Fortunately … possibly, but still fortunately … maybe, Meenah busts through the door. “Ever heard of knocking,” Terezi says through a mouthful of chips. 

“Ever heard of shut the fuck up,” the pissed-off Meenah shouts back. “Now, where the fuck is Kankri?”

“I’m sorry, but you want me to shut up, so I can’t help you.” 

“Shut up, Latula look-alike. I was askin’ the rainbow drinker.”

Kanaya wants no part of this, but she feels as though there is no arguing—especially with it being Meenah, so she just goes on with it. “Why are you so suddenly obsessed with Kankri, might I ask?”

“No you might not ask—“

“But I just did.”

“Guuuurl, you betta shut the fuck up and let me talk. He has mah ring.”

“Okay, so? You have like, a million rings. What makes this so different?”

“Shh! It just is. It’s the most important ring of all, and I’m about to flip my shit, your shit, and everyone else’s shit if I don’t get it back. Now where the fuck is Kankri?

I don’t know, but I think he said something about giving Karkat a ring earlier. He never said what it was, and I don’t even think he knew where he even got it, but you might want to check with Karkat and see if he has it.”

“Y’all just can’t give me a fuckin’ break, can ya? Where’s Karkitten?”

“He’s upstairs with John arguing with Mr. Egbert. Meenah, before you go, you should probably rest. You don’t look so good.” Kanaya really doesn’t care for Meenah, but when someone doesn’t look well, her maternal instincts kick in and it’s like OCD. She can’t help it, and right now Meenah looks like she’s struggling to stay off her deathbed, which is ironic because she’s already dead. Meenah, however, shrugs her offer off and heads upstairs toward the noise. 

The sudden fuchsia seadweller in the room undoubtedly startles Dad. The way Meenah stands makes him nervous. It makes her look like a predator ready to strike, and one wrong move would set off its urge to attack. John and Karkat both just about shit their pants when she speaks in a soft tone, much contradictory to her façade. “Karkat, you wouldn’t happen to have a ring that a certain other troll may have given you, would you? Wait, which one of you is Karkat?” Aaaand the nice tone is gone. “Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me I got the wrong room!”

“You didn’t get the wrong room. We just kind of switched species,” John says nervously. “By which I mean I’m permanently a troll and he’s kind of temporarily a human.” Meenah just stares at the two like she’s deep in thought. Well, what was the last thing she smoked and when did she smoke it? She doesn’t know. Hell, she doesn’t even know if she smokes anymore, or ever did at all. “What the anglin’ fuck,” is her only reply.” Instead of searching for answers, she leaves and heads back downstairs to receive some motherly care from Kanaya. She definitely thinks she needs it after what she just experienced. 

“So, did you get your ring,” Kanaya asks nonchalantly when Meenah returns. She has reclaimed her spot on the sofa and sips a cup of tea. She really wishes Rose would stop drinking alcohol; she just can’t stand the taste of that crap. 

“No, I just came down here to receive some top o’ the line care. But what you have to offer’ll have to do.” Meenah flops down on the couch across the coffee table.

“What made you change your half of a mind?”

“The fact that those two up there look species-swapped. I think I’m goin’ cray cray.”

“What are you talking about ‘those two?’ I thought it was just John.” Both Kanaya and Terezi are confused. Keep in mind that they have not yet seen Karkat, and therefore have no idea of his condition. Damn Kankri. He can talk about everything else, but he always leaves before he decided to mention anything important. Perhaps this is why Meenah and her group had to scratch their session.

“Nope. It’s the both of ‘em. Now, I require a little bit of troll TLC.” Kanaya only sighs at the pathetic sight. Meenah can fucking wait at this point.

  


A mile or so away in another house, the Strider residence, to be exact, a group composed of both humans and trolls sits in the living room, enjoying the peace and quiet of not having to listen to John, Karkat, and Dad bicker. Somewhere, on the finger of a little girl, is a small, gold ring …


	40. Chapter 39: Word War II, or Several different ways to say "Shit" without actually saying the word.

It was bad enough that his fingers were shattered.

Now there is a sharp, itinerant pain in his left arm. Unbearable pain shoots through his neck starting at the base of his skull, and even the slightest move of his head proves impossible from the pain. 

That might not be the worst part, however. It takes him a moment to realize, mainly because of the pain, that his head is resting in a gooey, blueberry-scented puddle on the floor of the back seat. “Do you not know how to take groceries in or something,” he asks from his position. It’s painful even to speak. 

“What?” Ms. Paint looks back at Dave and looks away in disbelief. She thought she told Diamonds to clean the mess up. So he replaces the entire front passenger seat and leaves the mess in the back unattended to. Yup. It makes perfect sense. She thought it was weird when John had that blue stuff on his chest and face when she took him out of the van …

But that’s beside the point.

A nearby cop sees the accident happen and rushes over to make sure everyone’s okay. He thinks he recognizes Dave from somewhere, but he can’t place a finger on it. He sees the position that Dave is in and knows that it isn’t good, however. “What happened to him,” he asks Ms. Paint, pointing at Dave.

“I don’t know,” the carapacian responds. “The airbag just deployed for no reason and he was tossed into the back seat like a rag doll. It happened one other time with one of his friends. I think they need to do a recall on them.”

“Are you in pain,” the cop asks Dave, who tries to not, but winces at the pain in his neck, and then winces some more at the pain from that, and finally just starts to cry like the rest of the population if that were to happen to them. The cop sees that his neck is in pain, so he tells Dave “Don’t move your head AT ALL,” and heads back over to his car parked on the shoulder to call an ambulance. 

A few minutes later, the cop walks back over to the van to talk to Ms. Paint. “Well, I called for an ambulance for the boy, but all available ambulances are broken down and in the shop.” 

“So what does this mean for Dave?”

“He’s going to be taken to the hospital via Life Flight. A helicopter should be here in just a few minutes. Now, if I may ask you a few questions.”

Ms. Paint steps out of the minivan and walk over to the police car with the cop. He questions her about what she was doing, why she wasn’t paying attention to the road, why her airbag deployed, etc. They are interrupted by a medical helicopter landing next to the car on the road. When it lands, a few paramedics get out with a gurney and rush over to the minivan to find Dave in the same position he’s been in for about ten minutes. “Are you in pain,” one of the paramedics asks Dave. He gives a weak “Yes” in response. “Can you feel any of your limbs,” asks another. Dave has to think for a second, but gives another weak “Yes.” The paramedics work quickly, but carefully to keep his head and neck in the same position until they can get a brace on to make his head completely immobile. They do this before they take him into the helicopter. Once in, they lock the gurney in place and take off, heading toward the hospital and leaving Ms. Paint and the cop alone. 

  


* * *

  


This is the weirdest fucking dream ever. 

Dirk was heading to the Egbert/Crocker/now Vantas house and he gets attacked by what he thinks is the First Guardian. Damn omnipotence. But now, as he sits beneath an oak tree, he can hear sirens. Didn’t he ditch those fuckers back a state ago? Maybe they’re here to exact revenge on the now-troll named John Egbert. That would be perfect. 

But there is no such thing as perfection. And in this universe, things don’t necessarily happen the way they people want them to … well, the way the kids want them to, anyway. 

But what the po-po doesn’t know is that Dirk is exceptionally trained in the art of lucid dreaming. He knows he’s unconscious. In fact, his sleeping body is probably resting on his nice, soft bed, right where he left it to enter his dream world as a practice run for beating John ass. He’ll just tell the cops that he doesn’t need their help, but just as practice in case the dreamy cops aren’t in a listening mood … 

Okay, so that may have not been the best decision ever. He took a swing at the tree, but instead, a cop had walked out from behind and got his head sliced clean off his shoulders instead. But Dirk needs not worry. After all, this is just a dream.

Perhaps not. 

Dreams don’t usually end with someone waking up in a jail cell without their trusty katana and no way of getting out, do they? 

“What the fuck were you thinking?!” a shouting cop grabs Dirk’s attention. “Number one, NEVER bring a sword to a gunfight, and number two, You can’t expect to kill a cop and get away without being charged for murder. Actually, now you can be charged on two accounts of murder. How do you like that? Huh?!” The cop checks to make sure the gate to the cell is locked and leaves Dirk alone in the dimly lit room. Few minutes pass before the silence gets to Dirk. He begins to pace back and forth and back and forth, but nothing settles his mind. He thought he was fearless, but now the walls seem to be closing in. He’s too young to rot in prison. Too young to be charged for murder. Too nimble to get caught.

His spare shades were taken when he was brought here. He had been strip-searched, and it was horrible. He felt violated. His body was only Jake’s to see, Jake’s to touch. His body. His Jake. 

He walks over and tries to use his own strength to bend the iron bars of the Jail cell open enough so that he can get out, but it fails. He shakes the gate violently, but to no avail. He just isn’t strong enough. Dirk walks to a small bench in the back corner of the cell and sits down on it, folding his legs up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He lays his forehead on his knees and allows only a single tear escape his eye.

Dammit, he’s too fabulous for this.

  


* * *

  


“Either I’m going crazy or this house is being taken over by trolls.” Dad is still unaccepting of the fact that trolls are unavoidable, especially now that John is one of them. And what the fuck is up with the one with fins? Are they just begging him to call a priest to bless the house or something? 

Because John is a troll, John is unacceptable. He must be punished at once. “John, I want you to tell me why you’re a troll!” Okay, that’s not punishing at once.

“I don’t know! Me and Karkat just did a little fooling around and this happened! Do you want the fucking details?!” That was probably not the ideal time to put the words “fucking” and “details” together like that. No, John. Dad does not want the fucking details. But he wants you to stay in your fucking room for the rest of your fucking life. “John, you’re grounded.” Dad doesn’t even look at the troll as it suddenly turns into a teenage human girl.

“Ugh, this isn’t fair!”

“Nothing’s fair!”

“I hate you! You’re the worst father ever!”

“Well, good! I’m glad I finally get credit for something around here!”

“Stop yelling at him!” The two look at Karkat. If it’s one thing you don’t do during a battle, it’s trying to break it up.

“Karkat, stay out of this,” John warns.

“Yes, shut up,” Dad starts. “I’m not through with you yet. You’re coming with me.”

“No!”

“Don’t you fucking dare say no to me. If you’re going to be here, you aren’t going to be ‘here.’” 

Oh no he di-in’t *snaps fingers in a z-motion*. Wow, that was probably horribly misplaced. “You aren’t my grub-fucking man-lusus! You can’t fucking tell me what to do!” Karkat still sounds as though he gargled a bunch of rusty nails. 

“As long as you’re in my house I can! Now come on, you’re either leaving the house or being locked in another room!” Dad grabs Karkat’s arm and drags him out of John’s bedroom, leaving the troll alone and with tears in his eyes. John locks the door behind him. If Karkat can’t be with him, no one can. Period.

Dad drags Karkat downstairs and locks him in a closet. Rose, Kanaya and Meenah look at him in shock. Dad has done some pretty crazy things, but he’s never done this before. Dad stares back at them and gives them a warning to, “Leave now or suffer the consequences.”

  


* * *

  


Still in Dad’s bedroom lies a young wizard who goes by the name of Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer. For several hours he has enjoyed a relatively peaceful slumber, save the feeling that something was poking and prodding his face and tugging his nose. And currently, he is asleep, still enjoying a relatively peaceful slumber, save for a bunch of shouting that’s just determined to wake him up. But alas, not is it the shouting that grabs his waking mind’s attention, but the odd sensation of something vibrating against his left thigh. It tickles, and he would have giggled had he felt any better than a pile of feces. He reaches into his pants and, at first, grabs his wallet. Upon holding it to his ear, he realizes that it isn’t the right device, so his hand dives back down in search of the perpetrator. “Hello?” The phone buzzes again. Damn it, he forgot to actually answer it. He swipes his finger along the screen and the call hangs up. He was too late. He quickly hits redial and calls the mysterious person/thing that called him. This better not be no gog damned telemarketer. 

And it isn’t. The voice that answers is deep. It’s his boss. “You have to get out of there. This was not supposed to happen.”

Ugh, sometimes he can be a real pain in the ass. Does he not see that Viceroy is currently feeling like a bunch of fecal material? No, no he doesn’t. He doesn’t simply “see.” No, he knows. He knows all too well of Viceroys condition, but nonetheless fails to acknowledge it. “Can’t I just lie here and sleep this off?”

Immediately his superior replies, “No.” Well, that settles it. No one fucks with Viceroy’s superior and gets away with it, and he certainly isn’t going to test said superior’s patience. So he does the logical thing—rather than lying down and sleeping this way-over-the-lethal-limit blood-alcohol concentration, he’ll lie down and stay awake until it passes. 

**Several hour(s) later ...**

Okay, this is probably one of the worst ideas he’s had. If he isn’t asleep, he’s feeling like ejectamenta. If he his asleep, he’s pissing off his superior. It’s a lose-fucking-lose situation. He decides that the best course of action is to get up and leave already. It’s probably for the best because the smell of sulfur isn’t helping at all. He gets up, goes to the bathroom and vomits for good measure, washes up and exits the room. He travels downstairs and almost makes it to the door before Terezi catches him.

  


* * *

  


**Back a few hour(s)**

Jane is in a similar situation, except this time she is just trying to sleep off a hangover. She too is rudely awaken by a phone call, but rather than he phone being strapped to her thigh like a normal person, she has it lying on the nightstand charging (insane, right?). She figures that her headache has lost enough of its punch and she looks at the phone to see who’s calling. Ugh, it’s one of her friends from school. She’ll pick it up later. Instead of doing what a normal person would do and hit ignore, she just lets it ring because she doesn’t want her friend to think that she’s avoiding him. As she sets the phone down she catches a glimpse of the date. 

“Oh waste matter discharged from the intestines through the anus,” she says. It’s April 12th, the day before her birthday. And Johns. Her and John’s birthday. 

And she couldn’t just let her precious baby go without a cake on his birthday. That’s just inhumane, not like John would really care anyway. After all, he is neither human nor caring of Betty Crocker recipes. So she gets up quickly, but not too quickly considering that she still has a little bit of a horrible headache. She gets up too fast and has to crouch down before she collapses right there. After a couple seconds she walks out of the room, not even caring to change out of her pajamas. Someone has a problem with it? Too effing bad. 

When she walks down into the kitchen, Dad is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper with a stern look on his face. Meenah, Terezi and Kanaya have not yet left. Whether this is to piss off Dad or not is anybody’s guess. Even theirs. The pounding on the closed door does nothing to help her little bit of a horrible headache. She pops a few Excedrin and goes over to the door and gives it a good, hard pound herself and shouts through it, “Whoever the fuck is in there, stop because my head hurts!”

“Go fuck yourself with a power drill!” is the angry reply. “But get me out of here first!” Jane walks back into the kitchen as Dad shouts at the closet monster to “shut the fuck up because Jane has a headache.” That does nothing to help the heavy pounding of the little bit of a horrible headache that she is currently suffering/kicking the ass of. Once in the kitchen, she immediately gathers the ingredients needed for a special Betty Crocker® birthday cake. Once the batter is made she sticks it in the fridge for about a half hour before she decides that it’s later enough and sticks it in the over, after it’s preheated, of course. She sets the timer and sits down with Kanaya, Terezi, and Meenah. 

**Commence random time lapse of a couple hour(s) …**

“Jane, didn’t you put something in the oven, or does it just take a while to bake?” Kanaya looks at Jane with a look of concern. Jane’s little bit of a horrible headache has gone down tremendously in the past however long a period of time has passed since she put the cake in the oven. Jane takes her off the television to look at Kanaya. “What she means is is whatever you’re baking supposed to smell like burning rubber,” Meenah says.

Jane comes to the sudden realization that she has something in the oven. “Oh anti-constipation,” she says and runs into the kitchen, slips on a couple oven mitts, and gets the charcoal cake out of the oven. “Damn it! This was supposed to be John’s birthday cake,” she complains, slumping her shoulders and a defeated look on her face.” 

“You know you could just bake another cake,” Terezi says, not trying to be rude or snarky, but it comes out that way. Jane knows that she isn’t trying to be like that, so she takes her advice and makes new batter. When she puts the batter in the oven, she makes sure to set the oven to the correct time. Apparently it was set on one day, not one hour like planned. What kind of recipe would need to be baked for one day is anybody’s guess. 

**Commence random time lapse of one hour(s) …**

The timer goes off and the cake is pulled out. Jane sticks a toothpick in it to find that it’s been baked perfectly, but the smell emanating from the toothpick when she pulls it out is horrible. Get your head out of the gutter; she pulled it out of the cake. It carries with it the scent of sulfur, better known as rotten eggs. The three trolls in the room cringe their noses from the smell. Upstairs, John smells it as well and nearly pukes all over the bed. Karkat, though human, can smell it in the closet as well, and does barf all over. Fun Fact: Sulfur and vomit combined do not smell pleasant. Karkat pounds on the door, this time out of desperation to get out of the horrible-smelling room. “Come on, at least show some mercy you goddamn oinkbeast!” That was obviously thrown toward Dad. Jane checks the eggs in the fridge, only to find that they are two weeks past the expiration date. “Dad, remind me to go to the store later.”

“Damn, Crocker, remind me to not pass the family business down to you,” Meenah orders. Jane just gives her the stinkeye in response.

“Please, do keep the recipes to yourself! They’re horrible enough as it is without Jane adding rotten eggs into them,” John shouts out of the open door in his room, which is completely unacceptable behavior. “John, you were not told to come out of your room! Get the fuck back inside and shut the door!” Unhappy Dad is unhappy. 

Dad’s behavior toward John’s unacceptable behavior is also unacceptable, and Karkat displays this fact by shouting at Dad, who shouts back at Karkat and gets shouted at by John, and it goes on and on and on. It’s safe to say that Word War II has begun. Yeah … this isn’t a good day for Jane, apparently. 

“Meenah, was it really necessary to insult Jane like that?” Kanaya scolds the alpha troll. 

“Yeah, why?”

“Well … this,” Kanaya motions to everything around.

“Bitch, this is gunna be fun,” Meenah says before she, too, becomes involved in Word War II, obviously on John’s side. Kanaya joins forces with Dad, mainly because it’s just rude to insult someone. Jane, despite having a headache, also Joins forces with Dad and Kanaya, mainly because those insults just hurt. This places the statistics at …

Axis Powers: John, Meenah and Karkat  
Allied Forces: Dad, Kanaya and Jane. 

  


* * *

  


This shouting is doing nothing to help Viceroy with his feeling sick. Fortunately, or unfortunately—however you want it to be, he is stopped by Terezi at the door. Without saying anything, the troll grabs the salamander-boy-girl-thing and takes him out of the house and into the cool April night air. “Terezi,” Viceroy says as the troll pulls him in a certain direction generally associated by the reader as the general direction of the Strider household, “I have to go.”

“Why?” Terezi is confused. Didn’t Viceroy say he would help? This makes absolutely zero amount of sense whatsoever. 

“I have business to attend elsewhere. I will try to be back before it’s too late to save John, but nothing can be promised.” Viceroy has a pleading look in his eye. He tries to make himself look as apologetic as possible, but Terezi is known to be able to spot a lie from anywhere. One time she said that someone across the planet was lying about something, and sure enough, it was a story on the five o’clock news, just as it was on the 12 o’clock news two hours before her prediction. Coincidence? No one thought so. 

“Alright, but only if you be back before it’s too late,” Terezi says, to which Viceroy relaxes and begins to walk off in the general direction of nothing in particular. He makes it about fifty feet before a bright flash of light and a loud BOOM takes him out. Where Viceroy was three seconds ago is now a smoking crater in the ground about twenty feet across. Terezi stares for a few minutes before walking the rest of the way to the Strider household, traumatized. She takes a deep breath to ease herself before opening the door and walking in on … 

A fairy princess tea party. A fairy fucking princess tea party.

All the males in the room just sit there awkwardly with their makeup and tiaras and dresses and wings failing to hide their blushing. Rose tries to conceal her giggling, but fails. After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, in which several gay babies were born, Terezi gives in to the nonexistent pressure and joins in on the fun. 

  


* * *

  


The time is currently nine o’clock, and all of our beloved characters who are watching the news are in complete shock. John, however, is rather pissed because he wasn’t able to cause the injuries. 

**Several hour(s) earlier …**

Dave lies in the hospital bed. It was confirmed that he has a cervical fracture. In normal jargon, a broken neck. His head is completely immobile. His left arm is also broken in several places. 

The police officer walks in the room with Ms. Paint. He stands there for a couple minutes as though he’s thinking of what to say. Finally he speaks up. “Well, I ran you identification card through the system. It identified you as the person who led the high-speed chase earlier. I’m going to have to get a picture.” He takes his camera out and snaps a picture. And somehow it finds its way to a local news group, and then to a national news group, which transmits it to the televisions that our characters are watching now. When John sees the picture, he wants to be mad, but he also wants to laugh. Why does he want to laugh? Well, the answer is simple. In the midst of Dave’s platinum blonde hair lies a bright blueberry-blue spot. John doesn’t even need to guess how that happened, considering that the automated vehicular device Dave was in was announced in the story. Everyone else who sees the spot is just confused. 

The shock and confusion in the living room of the Egbert/Crocker/Vantas household is interrupted by a knocking on the door. Dad just figures it’s some girl scouts. Lately they’ve had a tendency to come at night when you’re tired, hungry, and looking for a late-night snack, which they can conveniently supply for a rip-off ten dollars. Thin mints may be delicious, but they aren’t that delicious. The true surprise of the night happens when Dad opens the door to reveal Gamzee standing on the porch with his husband of only a few days holding a couple suitcases. Without a moment’s hesitation Dad slams the door in the troll’s face. His human beau tries to calm him down with a few words, but before he can get anything significant out, Gamzee kicks the door down in one strong kick. Needless to say, everyone’s reactions—priceless. Especially Dad’s. Several events pass that lead to Gamzee’s gas station clerk human hubby distracting Dad while he takes the chair out from under the closet doorknob, opens it slightly, tosses a small box inside the room, and quickly closes the door and replaces the chair. Before Karkat can pound on the door and beg to be let out, Gamzee speaks up, just barely above a whisper, but still able to be heard through the door. “Listen, Karbro, that’s the exact one you asked for. It took a while to get it, but we managed to pull it off.” Karkat is confused at first. How would Gamzee know it was him in the closet? What did he ask for? “Now, if you want this to work, just trust me.” It takes Karkat a couple minutes to think. He just can’t think of what Gamzee could be talking about. But right now, there is a certain rage inside the human that is threatening to be released on the indigo troll for several reasons, that is, until Karkat opens the small box to reveal whatever’s inside. After admiring the content(s) of the box, he closes it and flips off the light. And suddenly, most of that anger and hatred toward Gamzee has passed. Karkat leans back against a wall and nervously falls asleep. What if this doesn’t go as planned?


	41. Chapter 40: Love Is a Hurtful Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clear up confusion
> 
> Axis Powers: Meenah=Germany (Invading [insulting] Poland’s [Jane’s] cooking)  
> John=Italy (Joining in on the fight as Germany’s [Meenah’s] ally)  
> Karkat=Japan (Fight to the death to defend John from his father [not historically accurate, but he’s fighting to the death, so to speak])
> 
> Allied forces: Jane=Poland (Originally invaded/insulted by Germany [Meenah])  
> Dad=Great Britain (Hopping in to defend Poland [Jane])  
> Kanaya=the US (Neutral at first, but instigated into the war, though not historically accurate because she was instigated by Germany instead of Japan.)
> 
> *No offense intended to anyone of any of the nationalities listed above, except for America. I’m American; I don’t even care.

Today is the big day. The only big day, well, the only big day compared to all the others. I guess what is trying to be said is that this is the biggest day of Karkat’s life, and the only thing that could possibly ruin it is if John says no. Why would John say no? Well, perhaps this whole “homosexual” deal is just a big ruse. But that would be cruel, and John is not a malevolent creature; he’s more of a benign entity. But still, he has been known to pull off some pretty hurtful pranks before. Karkat has been planning this for weeks. He even sent Gamzee out to get the ring so that John’s suspicions wouldn’t be aroused from any sort of weird inattention from his Alternian matesprit. Only Karkat and Gamzee know about this, and that will change only when the former wills it, which will be in about five minutes when he wakes John and slips the ring on his finger. He can’t wait for that special moment, yet he can. He can’t because that will be the moment when John completely breaks down in his arms from complete happiness and for once he’ll be there for the rescue, to calm the flood of emotions; the moment when both their lives will change for the ultimate better; the moment when everything that can go wrong … could go wrong …

No, he doesn’t want to think about that. He only wants to think about the positives. Only the positive side of it. Only the things that can go right, and will go right. He clutches the small box in his hand and holds it against his chest and takes in a nervous breath, and another, and another, and another. In and out and in and out and … how does one oxygen? Who is Karkat kidding? He’s nervous as fuck and can’t even breathe properly. What if John will only accept because he would feel obliged to, considering it is kind of a birthday present?

Okay, this is it. He’s going to do it now. He slowly makes his way into his and John’s room, where the latter is still asleep. Beautiful blue eyes concealed by intruding eyelids, silky, black hair resting in its usual position on the pillow. The scene is not yet perfect. Karkat silently walks over and kneels down beside the bed and opens the small box, revealing a beautiful gold ring with a moderately sized sapphire in the center surrounded by six rubies, and a band of three diamonds on either side, completing the pattern. It’s perfect for John. It’s perfect for them both. He reaches his other hand up and lightly shakes John’s shoulder. The latter stirs slightly, but fails to completely wake up. After a second of heavy contemplation, Karkat give the shoulder another shake, this one being slightly more violent than the last, but only so much to wake John up. Shit, what if John is pissed about being awoken too early and doesn’t accept because of that? Well, it’s too late to think now, because the human is rolling over to face the perpetrator. Soon, blue eyes stare into fire-red ones. Emotions connect and disconnect as swiftly as photons bounce off atoms. And before he can think it over, Karkat finds himself popping the question, “John, would you do me the honor of making me the happiest troll ever?” Wow, that sounded horribly cliché, but it’s exactly what he meant. 

The look on John’s face instantly crushes his hopes and dreams, and possibly his entire life. There is no happiness to the expression presented to him. There is no love, no hate—nothing but sadness. “I’m sorry,” John says, “But I don’t think it would work. We’re two different species. Karkat, I do feel for you, but I don’t think it could be considered anything to dedicate an entire lifetime to.” 

In one second, Karkat’s entire life comes crashing down. He struck an iceberg named Love and the Titanic of his emotions has suffered a fatal blow. Without thinking, he gets up and runs out of the room. He runs down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he gets out a piece of paper and writes something on it. He places the box with the ring on the paper and closes it before running over to the drawers and selecting a chef knife. Getting human married to John was the one thing he had been waiting for since their matespritship started. John had been the one to pull him out of his depression, and now he slips back in deeper and more quickly than before. 

Has he nothing to live for?

No. In one swift move, cherry-red blood starts pumping out of his arm as the blade of the knife finishes its slice. Its only purpose being to remind the troll of his mutation—his deformity—the reason he could never be loved by anybody. Within seconds he collapses onto the floor, his heart stopped completely from blood loss, and he lies there for the last few minutes of his biological life alone, no one to cry over him just yet. The clang of the knife bouncing on the floor a couple times before finally settling into a single position echoes through the empty kitchen, and Karkat’s brain slowly suffocates, and finally dies. But why does all this seem so familiar?

Karkat wakes up shaking violently and gasping for breath. Casey rushes into the room to make sure he’s all right. It’s been three years, or sweeps, or decades, or … He’s lost track of time because it’s been so long. He doesn’t even know why John did it, but every year, or sweep, or whatever on this very night, he has that same dream. And afterward, he slips even deeper into his depression. Why hadn’t it been him instead of John? 

It’s been an uncertain amount of time since John took his own life, and Karkat desperately wishes to escape from his daily torment. He doesn’t even know why he’s still alive. The only thing he knows for certain is that he feels alone. Completely alone, and there is only one way to escape—death. But he hasn’t the courage to end his life, and as pleaded with everyone on multiple occasions to put him out of his misery, and though they always say no, he silently hopes that they will not follow through on their words and he will not wake to see the hateful light of the next morning when he goes to sleep. 

He’s completely given up on even trying. Every day he just lies in bed, not doing anything but wasting away. He’s forced to use a bedpan since he refuses to get up for anything. He won’t eat, he won’t drink, and he won’t even speak. He just lies and waits for it all to be over. He’s screwed up too may times. It’s finally time to stop screwing up. This is it. He closes his eyes one last time …

The dim light shines with the brightness of ten suns in his eyes. Gamzee doesn’t make a good shield, with his scrawny build. At least it was all just a dream. But this could very well be a dream as well. Especially since the wicked elixir that Gamzee is offering him isn’t Faygo. Instead, it is Coke, which Karkat, once he takes a sip, discovers that the flavor and feel as the acid burns the inside of his mouth is absolutely orgasmic. Where was this fecal material whenever he needed a refreshing beverage? 

But then it hits like a semi ramming an antimatter semi head on and annihilating each other, wiping out the surrounding thousand miles along with them. He is actually going to do it. This is the day he had been longing for. It’s the perfect birthday surprise, and he’s sure that John will love it better than whatever anybody else gives him, because unlike whatever anybody else gives him today, what Karkat is about to give him cannot be given a price … Well, the ring can, but you get the idea. 

Several weeks ago, Karkat had talked to Gamzee about this. Gamzee had questioned whether his rekindling moirail was absolutely positive about this. Karkat didn’t even have to think before nodding. He asked Gamzee if he could do it so that he wouldn’t attract any unwanted suspicions and possibly end his relationship. Gamzee agreed and Karkat told him the exact ring—he’d seen it displayed at the most popular jewelry store in the state and had told Gamzee the exact size to get. Gamzee had failed to bring it home—he’d always said that it was being made. And then he ran off with that gas station slu—clerk … yeah, that guy, and Karkat had thought that Gamzee had run off for good. But now, when he asks, Gamzee tells him that his now human “husband” ran off to help him. He kind of provided the transportation. Gamzee had apparently gotten the call the night before and decided to leave after everyone had gone to bed. The fact that Gamzee and the gas station clerk—whose name is apparently Rawlings, from what Karkat had heard through the closet door—are now married is completely irrelevant, well, irrelevant enough that it can be explained in a later chapter. 

But this is it. There’s no turning back, is there? Karkat doesn’t know and he isn’t even sure if he wants to find out. The only thing Gamzee tells him is that he should make this fast because Dad likes to get up early. This may be the only chance Karkat has, and he needs to take it. With one last nervous sip of his soda and a supportive pat on the back from Gamzee, Karkat makes his way across the kitchen and up the six stairs to [his] and John’s room. When he tries turning the knob, he feels that it’s locked, and lightly taps on the door, hoping that John is, by any sort of chance, awake. He has no such luck, however. He doesn’t want to wake Dad up (for obvious reasons) and he doesn’t want to sound desperate or pushy. He is in a dilemma. 

So he knocks a little harder, and a little harder, and a little harder until finally he hears something stomp the floor. His entire body jumps at the sound, afraid that it was either Dad, or it woke Dad. Both relief and terror fills him when John quickly, but tiredly opens the door. The troll stands there for a minute, wiping sleep out of his eye, before he realizes who is standing in the hall. Upon seeing Karkat standing there, he gets excited and grabs the human by his shirt and pulls him into the room, quietly closing and locking the door behind them. Once the door is locked, Karkat is attacked with a massive bear hug. When he pulls away he knock his head on one of John’s horns, which he’s sure has left at least a mild scratch. Seriously, those things are sharp. But now it’s down to business.

Karkat tells John to sit down, because this is going to surprise him, whether it be a good surprise or a bad surprise (Gog, how he hopes this is a good surprise). Well, here goes nothing …

“John,” Karkat begins, whispering, of course. These walls seem to have ears, “we’ve been through quite a bit, especially these past few days,” he pauses for a few seconds, “And I know I am ready to take the next step.” He looks at John for what seems like the first time in a long while, and the latter holds a look of confusion upon his face. “But now, I am asking if you are ready too. I guess what I’m trying to say is … fuck, I am really bad at this romance stuff. Uh, I was just wondering if, uh,” `_How the fuck do they do this? ___`“Uh,” he pauses for another few seconds before deciding to get on his knees.

“Whoa, Karkat, it’s a little too early for that, isn’t it?” John is both surprised and confused at this. Yes, he secretly enjoys the blowjobs, but it is rather early. The sun is barely up, after all.

`_Shit, what am I doing wrong?!_` “Uh, early for what?” Karkat feels his vascular pump preparing to explode in his chest. John shies away from having to use the word. He just can’t bring himself to say it, though he and Karkat have talked about it many times before. So he just settle for mouthing the word “Sex.”

Yeah, Karkat is doing something wrong. He takes another moment to think before correcting himself. Now he rests on one knee, fishing for the small box in his pocket. John seems even more confused now. “John, I know I’m probably fucking this up majorly, but I’ve done research—watched movies, read books, looked on the internet, and I have come to the decision that even though we absolutely hate them, and they hate us, I was wondering if you wanted to seal our matespritship in matrimony, or whatever it’s called. I guess I’m just asking if you would make me even happier. So,” Karkat finally finds the box and pulls it out and opens it. He holds it up to John. “would you, uh, marry me … ?” The “marry me” part didn’t quite come out as strong as he’d hoped, but John had heard. He gives John the box and lets him to look at the ring inside. It has a moderately sized sapphire in the center surrounded by six rubies, and a band of three diamonds on either side, completing the pattern. “The sapphire represents you, protected by me, which is the rubies, and then I guess they have to have diamonds, so that explains those,” Karkat says shyly, almost dreading the answer. 

And he should. 

John’s face lights up at the ring and how beautiful it is. He can’t believe it. Karkat did this. For him. But there’s just one tiny problem. “Karkat,” John says, trying not to sound disappointed, “as much as I love this, and love you, I can’t.” the humans heart shatters into a million pieces at these words. “You understand, right? You’ve done the research.” John tries not to break down at the sight of the melting human in front of him. Karkat, unable to stand the sudden heat in the room, leaves and goes back to his closet. John tries to stop him, but doesn’t want to run the risk of being caught by Dad. 

Gamzee immediately sees that something is wrong with Karkat. When he asks, Karkat just shrugs him off and closes the closet door behind himself. “Do you want me to get you anything,” Gamzee asks. After a couple minutes of silence, Karkat replies, “A pillow and a blanket … maybe a couple pillows and a lot of blankets … “ Gamzee wastes no time. He knows that this has something to do with John, so he goes upstairs to John’s room and demands he open the door. When John does, Gamzee rushes in and grabs both pillows and most of the blankets, curses John’s name a few times for hurting his moirail and takes the stuff to Karkat, who bundles up in the blankets while resting his head on a pillow and holding onto the other one like a teddy bear. When Karkat is locked securely in the closet again, Gamzee goes back upstairs to hurt John, but is met by John, who is prepared to explain. Every time John talks, Gamzee doesn’t even try to listen. Instead, he drowns John’s voice out and makes no attempts to hide it. After John gets done explaining, he realizes this and tries to shame Gamzee for it, but it doesn’t work. 

“Really? This is what you’re resorting to—ignoring me? How childish are you?” Gamzee still ignores John. “You know what, Gamzee? Fuck you. Just go back downstairs and bring Karkat back. I don’t think he actually understands, and you not listening to explain to him isn’t helping the situation, so just bring him back here.”

“No. You’ve hurt him enough already.” With that, Gamzee grabs the ring off the nightstand and storms out of the room, leaving John alone and quite heartbroken as well. What if Karkat thinks that John doesn’t want to marry him? 

Ugh, nothing is working out in anybody’s favor lately.


	42. Chapter 41

Well, this certainly deserves the Catch 22 of the Year Award. If John stays in his room, he won’t be able to explain to Karkat the reasoning for his rejection (He isn’t really objecting. He does want to marry Karkat but was waiting for another time to propose), and Karkat may run away and they’ll never see each other again. On the other hand, if John does exit his room, he runs the risk of getting caught by Dad and locked somewhere where he can’t see Karkat, and then the above scenario plays out from here. Neither outcome is desirable. But one must be chosen. 

This, of course, is a trick decision. The real decision lies in whether the outcome will be from him staying or being caught by Dad. Ugh, too many decisions! Well, he guesses getting caught by Dad is better than not trying, so maybe he’ll do that.

Yes. Yes, that sounds better than not trying. Yes, he’ll do that. Maybe. Ye—no—wait … perhaps … yes. Ye—es? No. Maybe, possibly, he’s leaning that way … and there he goes again. No, wait! … Still no. Y—yes. Yes, he’ll do that. Yes, he’ll risk getting caught by Dad.

Maybe.

Yes. 

Well, that wasted all of five John minutes, and thirty negligible seconds of your day. Has he finally decided yet? —Wait, yes he did. He is going to grow an external pair and go downstairs and talk to Karkat whether Dad likes it or not. And Dad won’t, but he’ll still do it. Here he goes … yes! John has successfully placed one foot outside of his bedroom door. Now the other, then the other, then the other, then the other, then the other … No, John, do not trip down the steps. Aaaand he didn’t listen and now lies six steps down on the kitchen floor. He gives a small grunt from a suddenly sore everything and gets up and dusts himself off. He then makes his way over to the closet door and begins speaking. “Karkat, I don’t think you really understand marriage all that well,” he begins. “There are certain requirements that must be met. Unfortunately, we don’t meet one of them.” He then begins to explain, in gory detail, the marriage requirement that they don’t meet. “And the only way we can bypass that is if one of us gets the other pregnant. But since we’re both boys, I don’t think that can really happen.” He finishes his explanation with little breath to spare. 

Now, this would be the time where Karkat would hurl himself out of the closet and into the arms of his mate and assume the position. However, this is not the case as Karkat had not-so-long-since cried himself to sleep from the rejection. It happened almost somewhat instantly. He ran downstairs, Gamzee got him the pillows and blankets, and he cried himself to sleep before John got down there. The dude just can’t handle a minor inconvenience. Although this is the time that Karkat should hurl himself out of the closet and into the arms of his mate and assume the position, Dad replaces him and hurls himself out of his room and down the steps and into John’s face to assume the position of STERN FATHERLY BEING PISSED OFF. Yes, that is a thing now, and it is much worse than stern fatherly disapproval. “Troll, no one told you that you could come out of your room.” Wow, way to say “Happy eighteenth birthday. Congratulations on surviving to legal adulthood,” to your half-brother-adopted-son. 

“I don’t need anyone’s permission to do anything now. I am a legal adult.” Great retaliation, troll!John. 

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah!”

“Well, since you are a legal adult, and you see yourself as no longer under my control, then I guess you can no longer live here.” Dad gives John an evil smirk, knowing he has won the argument. John looks like a weird troll-fish gasping for breath as he thinks of a response.

And then Gamzee decides to make an appearance out of the bathroom. He had to empty his bladder sometime. But now he sees John next to Karkat’s closet. No, this will not do at all. Thus, he enters Word War II as the Soviet Union. What Soviet Union? He doesn’t know, and neither does anyone else in this universe because it only existed in Earth’s original universe. He is quick to shove John away from the door. “Gamzee,” Dad says once the troll has done whatever he was hoping to accomplish, “John was just leaving. Apparently, he doesn’t think that he needs me anymore, so he has decided to leave. Isn’t that right, John?” Dad’s evil smirk taunts the weretroll. Gamzee stares between the two in confusion, but nonetheless, he is pissed, to say the least, at John, and John is just starting to notice the smell that rubbed off on him from another troll’s hands. 

“Eeewwwww! Did you even bother to wash your hands?!” John is obviously not okay with this. Now, the whole situation with Dad is rather important, but if Gamzee didn’t wash his hands, who knows what kind of troll disease John could get.

And then John turned into this random pile of goop right there. He should’ve listened to Kanaya. Just kidding. We already determined that he is a weretroll—something quite different than a pile of goo. Although, that weird disease could very well be on the unwashed hands of a certain juggalo, and this is exactly what John is afraid of. Now, where did that maternal troll go?

  


Sometimes stalemates are inevitable. Such is the case with Word War II. Italy, Great Britain, and the Soviet Union just cannot out-word each other. Who knew Hetalia had such strength in this crap? Not Germany … er, Meenah, and whoever I said those other countries are. So now, they are just sitting around, sipping on tea and eating Betty Crocker crackers. Well, Dad and Gamzee are, anyway. John is being forced to make his own food (This is such a loving family, right?). Dad is flipping through the channels when suddenly the television pauses and automatically flips itself to a news station with a breaking report. The three souls in the room cannot believe what they are hearing.

How is he going to get himself out of this mess?

  


* * *

  


Who the hell spiked the tea … er, punch? Yea, that totally wasn’t a fairy princess tea party. No, Striders are too cool for that shit. Therefore, they instead dressed up in ironic dresses and drank tea-flavored punch that resembled tea in every way. Even the carbonation was horribly off to seal the tea effect. Yeah, that was totally an ironic Strider fairy princess punch party. There’s no way they would ever go for tea. Unless, it was spiked, that is.

Thus brings us to this very moment when a certain one-of-the-bros is hugging the toilet. Okay, it’s Other Bro, but so what? He can’t handle his liquor and chances are you can’t either. No, you say? Do you really want to get into an argument with him? That’s what he thought. He can’t hold his liquor, and neither can you. The worst part about this is that he has to go bail his younger self out of jail because apparently the little fruit basket can’t avoid the fuzzy-wuzzies long enough to cross state borders. 

Ah, screw that shit. The little blueberry-scented tomato can wait until his hangover goes away. 

Everyone else in the house feels the exact same way as Other Bro does, though, not about Dave. They are more concerned about the fact that they feel horrible and dehydrated more than anything and have all probably forgotten about him by now. Casey, for some odd reason, is untouched by the wicked elixir. What is she—Russian? German? Nope, she’s a ten-year old girl who knows how to pull off an illusion, as explained by her when Other Bro asks about her alcohol-induced coma, or much rather her lack thereof. After all, he could’ve swore he saw her down at least a gallon of that tea—flavored punch last night. 

Rose seriously needs to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or two. Everybody’s sure it wouldn’t hurt much. 

Once over his bout of dry heaves, Casey escorts Other Bro into the living room so that she can make sure he doesn’t completely stumble over something and break a clock or two or a thousand. When he sits down, he notices that the television has auto tuned itself to a news program. Rose and Roxy themselves are just now being awakened by it, and as they’re wiping the sleep out of their eyes, The news anchor moves on from his story about a freak meteor strike a mile or so away to another—this one being about a murderer that has been apprehended by police and awaiting trial. 

“Dirksen Strider, an escaped patient at a local hospital has been captured by police. He is currently awaiting trial and faces a penalty ranging anywhere from ninety-five years in prison to immediate, gruesome execution.” On the TV, the news shows a mug shot of a very sad-looking Dirk. He appears naked without his shades, and the depressed glint in his fiery-orange eyes pleads innocence, apology, and desperation. The entire house remains silent as the news anchor finishes the story, and they can just feel the relief washing over people when the man on the TV announces that the boy who cut a man’s arms off and let him bleed to death and decapitated a police officer has finally been caught. And it infuriates them. When the breaking news report finishes, Bro shuts the television off. “Nobody. Tell. Jake,” he orders everyone just now brings their attention back to their surroundings. Jake is still sleeping in Dirk’s room, so he hadn’t heard the broadcast. And that is probably for the best.

“Well, Dirk,” Other Bro says, “is this your problem now?” This earns him a death glare from the original Strider.

“I wonder what other stations are saying about it,” Roxy says, to which Bro reluctantly turns the television back on. But for some reason, instead of a news report, it auto tunes itself to an “IMPORTANT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH THE GODS.” The abandoned mortals in the room groan at this. As if this whole situation wasn’t a big enough slap in the face as it was.

  


* * *

  


This has been a stressful few days for the godheads. And since the Heir isn’t going to be around to keep the liveliness up, this press conference is going to be hell. And to make things even better, there are more of them. More trolls have entered this universe than just Meenah, Kankri, and Cronus. Now, along with those three, the gods line up as: John, Rose, Dave, Jade, Dirk, Jake, Roxy, Jane, Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi, Sollux, Gamzee, Cronus, Kankri, Aranea, Vriska, Rufioh, Horuss, Damara, Aradia (she was somehow persuaded by Damara), Porrim, and Tavros. Meenah is not yet technically a god because she is a little too weak from not becoming alive yet. Starting the conference, the gods walk down the aisles in the audience as they usually do, mainly just to show off their Master-Tier garb, and have a seat at the table, which has been set up a little differently to accommodate the new additions. The media didn’t seem to much mind the new additions, but heads were turned at Damara and bodies were crouched at the sight of Porrim. But nonetheless, the show must go on, despite being fearful of one of the new additions to the group.

The first question came from a male news reporter who works with one of the biggest stations. “Where is the Heir of Breath?” And without skipping a beat, Karkat’s godhead speaks up. “He’s being a whiny, little sissy-bitch and decided to stay home.” Directly to Karkat’s right, Kankri looks down on him with disappointment in his eyes and a scowl on his face. “Karkat, if you would be ever so mindful and not use such vulgar language—”

“Well, they asked!”

“But there are other ways to go about answering than using such profanity. For once, just consider other people’s feelings when you speak.”  
“Practice what you preach, Vantas,” Vriska interrupts, which gets a few giggles out of some of the other gods. Both Porrim and Kanaya glare at their respective troll brethren, though Porrim is a little understanding to Kankri’s remark. Aranea smacks the back of Vriska’s right horn for getting involved, and just as the chaos broke free, it stops. The trolls were back on their best (sort of) behavior. The press conference continues, this time with the Seer responding.

“The heir has been going through some troublesome personal times these past few days. He will not be joining us for this interview.”

The next question is given by a woman with a rather annoying voice, but is on all the reporters’ minds. “Would it have anything to do with his transformations?” The question confuses most of the gods—all but three: Karkat, Kankri, and Cronus.

“What transformations?” the Bitch Witch asks.

“We’ve been told that the Heir is undergoing a metamorphic process” another reporter states, and suddenly Karkat’s godhead is on the defensive. He hits it though, disguising his tone in such a way as to dispel a rumor. “There are no transformations. Those are just lies that you have either been told or made up yourself to catch us in a compromising position. The Heir is still the same person he has always been, and always will be. As the Seer had said, he’s just going through some rather emotional times right now and doesn’t’ feel like speaking. In other words, he’s being a whiny, little sissy-bitch and decided to stay home. Why say three words when thirty will do?” In a sense, the Knight is speaking the truth. However, there is more to the story that he isn’t telling, and the media has it twisted around. The truth of this particular matter is that earlier in the week, the Heir ribbited about his mortal’s condition. He left out one minor detail, however: He is NOT! his mortal, and the media twisted it around to make it sound differently. He also partially refused to speak today. Most of the reason is that Karkat changed the locks and locked him inside his own mansion. Yes, you read right. John is locked inside his own place of residence.

  


“What a load of bull shit!” Rose exclaims as she turns the television off. She can’t even stand the gods, and now that there are more, well, she doesn’t know. She can tolerate a couple of them, but still. They are choosing to stay with the enemies.

So, what’s this they hear about the Heir transforming?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee = Soviet Union because he originally started off in an alliance with the Axis Powers: John, Meenah, and Karkat. He was betrayed by John (Not historically accurate as Germany is the one who invaded, not Italy), and he switched sides and now fights with the Allied Forces, despite his eternal hatred for America, who shouldn't have yet come into the war, but oh well. This isn't a history class.


	43. Chapter 42

The press conference ensues. “We hear that you have signed up for your own reality show,” a reporter says matter of factly. 

“Yes,” the Seer replies. “I do believe that the first episode will be airing next week. With the show, you will be able to get a glimpse of what goes on in our daily lives. Believe it or not, we actually didn’t want to do this at first, but we were given a generous offer.” That smug bitch is so totally lying. It was a unanimous decision (the Heir had no idea, which is why it was unanimous. He would have voted against it in a heartbeat) and they demanded the “generous offer” (like they actually need it. First, they are gods. They don’t need the money, and secondly, they are already trillionaires. Like they even need any more money on top of all that. What ever happened to those kind children and trolls that we have come to know and love? Yeah, that’s right. They were kicked out of their god tiers and are being forced to live their lives without any help from their immortal selves. Can you believe people are actually falling for this crap? It’s like congressmen being exempt from traffic laws when they’re on their way to sessions of congress. It’s a bunch of crap.) Anyway, as the Seer continues her explanation or whatever on the reality show, someone comes out onto the stage and walks up to the Prince of Heart and whispers something in his ear. His facial expression immediately turns solemn from his famously permanent nonchalant façade. He excuses himself from the conference with an irritable tone. “David, go follow your father and make sure he’s alright,” the Rogue orders the Knight of Time. The Knight knows not to make the Rogue angry, so he does as she says and follows the Prince. 

“Yo, dude, wait up!” The Prince keeps walking ahead, grumbling angrily to his advisor—the man who informed him of whatever was important enough to leave the conference. 

“I have spoken with the judge. He isn’t budging on anything. He says that there is nothing that can be done by me or anyone else—not even you—to pardon him for his crimes. I seriously think that she is considering sentencing him to immediate, painful, gruesome death.” The advisor may have just made a mistake. He realizes this as soon as the Prince turns to him and grips his throat, cutting off his air. 

“You did what?! Since when is it a good idea to go about things concerning me without my knowledge?! Did it ever pass through your mind that all you are is an advisor and not a negotiator?! Did it ever cross your mind that I can rip your soul out of your body?!” Behind his shades, the Prince stares his advisor down with the hatred of a million hells. 

“I-I’m sorry,” the advisor pleads. “I just thought that perhaps I could take care of the situation before you found out to reduce the amount of bloodshed.”

“Do you realize what will happen if he dies?! There is a reason why I told everyone to keep their mental selves alive!” 

“N-n-no, I don’t think you’ve ever told me—” the Knights occasional clumsiness decides to rear its hideous face and he trips, making a loud crashing sound when he hits the floor. This brings the attention of his brotherly father and said brotherly father’s advisor his way. “Dave, go,” the Prince warns.

“But I was told to come make sure you’re all right,” the Crimson Knight protests. 

“I will be so long as I don’t have an aneurism.” The Prince lets go of his advisor’s throat and stands up straight and faces brotherly spawn. 

“So … there’s still the chance.” The Knight jokingly contemplates the actual scenario of that happening. “I guess that means I’ll have to stay after all.”

“No, you’re going, and there is no arguing. This doesn’t concern you and most likely never will concern you.” The Prince’s power now emanates from him like radiation emanating from uranium fuel rods. “Once again, go.”

“No, I walked—” 

“Stumbled,” the Prince’s advisor makes the risky move to correct the Knight. 

“Stumbled, whatever—into an interesting conversation. My curiosity has taken over and I want to know what’s happening.”

“Nothing that you should know about is happening. Now, leave and let me handle things myself.”

“Dude, just let me help out, or know what’s going on incase you need any help with it later on. I’m not some little kid anymore. And you can at least treat me with the same maturity—sort of—that you did in the original universe.” No. One does not simply go there with the Prince. Several times the Knight has compared him to this “original” iteration of him named Bro, who just so happens to be re-alived or whatever and acting as his mortal self’s guardian. Well, not at the moment, but you get the idea. But the point is that Dirk’s original iteration has always, well, ever since the first time Dave brought it up, been a very touchy subject, and he has always been compared to aforementioned iteration. It has always been best to avoid the topic.

Well, now Dirk really has no choice. He hates being compared to his original iteration. Thus, whenever he is, he feels obligated to do what this “Bro” wouldn’t do. Such is the case as this. “Bro” would force Dave out of this situation. “Alright, I’ll explain what’s happening, but you aren’t to tell anybody. You are to keep this a complete secret and help when told and stay away when not.” Dave agrees, but only because he wants to know what’s happening. Dirk explains, but leaves out what happens when their mortal selves die. He says that that is unimportant to anything, though Dave highly doubts this, considering from what he’s heard the deaths of the mortal incarnations seems to highly motivate the Prince in this situation.

The Prince keeps the Knight next to him as he leaves the building hosting the press conference. The two gods as well as the Prince’s advisor make their way to the courthouse that is holding the trial. Said trial is beginning as we watch. The judicial system on this iteration of Earth does not waste its time, and unlike the original judicial system, it does not make mistakes, especially if those mistakes happen more than half of the time. It has been shown to be accurate 100 percent of the time.

  


“All rise for the honorable Judge Nathaniel Williams,” the bailiff orders. When the judge sits down, everyone else is allowed to be seated. Despite being so important—involving a mortal—it is not televised. Instead, the major news stations have reporters in the room. Dirk is forced to sit in front of everybody bound in chains and a straight jacket. He has no shades of any kind, so he has no way of hiding his emotions. Like he even would at this point. He would be an embarrassment to Striders everywhere. 

However, behind the reporters, half of the Official Prince of Heart Fan Club (OPHFC pronounced “Oh Fuck”) sits in suspense as the trial slowly drags on. The other half got screwed over as they were at the press conference, which is now absent of both the Prince of Heart and the Knight of Time. Plus and advisor. 

  


Back inside a mansion resting atop the clouds, a young god sits in his dining room, enjoying a lonely brunch and watching the press conference. What will the name of this young god be?

That’s right. It is the Heir of Breath, and he couldn’t be any more annoyed than he is now.

Reader: But you didn’t give me a chance to name him.  
Author: I am quite aware of that.

Why is the Heir of Breath annoyed? Well, he could be there being interviewed and giving the truth about this situation with him and everything, but no, stupid Karkat and his stupid secrecy thing feels as though it is a necessity that the whole “weretroll” thing be kept under the covers. So now, he has no choice but to do what he’s doing now. That, and there really is nothing better that he could be doing.

Stupid windproof mansion.

  


* * *

  


Something similar to a half hour passes and WWII seems to have slowed down. Perhaps it could be because of the stalemate. Perhaps it could be because Kanaya and Meenah have been trying to figure out how to open this god damned basement door. Seriously, that thing is an abomination. Didn’t Dad say something like, “The passcode is Bippity Boppity Boop?” Yeah, Kanaya still hasn’t figured out what numbers those are. Perhaps it could be the buttons with the words “Bippity,” “Boppity,” and “Boop” written on them. No, that would be too obvious. But it’s worth a shot.

Okay, Dad never was the wisest person ever. If you lock someone in the basement, don’t give them the passcode, which was conveniently written on the corresponding numbers and expect them to stay down there. When the two trolls finally get through and into the kitchen, John is pleading with Gamzee to give him back the ring. Instead of a ring, he is met with phrases like, “You’re just greedy and want the motherfucking ring!,” “You don’t actually want him,” and “You already said no! You don’t deserve him!” That last sentence caught Dad’s attention. He wasn’t quite sure about the ring, but that last sentence came after a powerful phrase from John. “Please, just give me two months! Not even two months! If you want me to I will have him propose to me in front of everyone!” Yeah, that’s when Dad’s attention was really captured. The fact that Gamzee is saying that John can’t have Karkat has made Dad realize that he has a new best friend. 

Kanaya and Meenah’s’ presence, once noticed, will initiate more fighting. But for now, the focus of the arguing is directed more toward John, and only one thing is moving through Kanaya’s head right now: Oh he didn’t. By which she means that she has advised Karkat to wait a little longer. Yes, she had a hunch of Karkat’s intentions to propose to John, so she informed him to wait for a few more months and told him to read up on all the qualifications for marriage and do the calculations for age. She, of course, knew that Karkat would be rejected upon the criterion of age, but she thought that Karkat was smarter than that and took her advice. He, apparently didn’t and by the looks of the scene in front of her, with the human nowhere in sight, probably overreacted. 

“Gamzee, just listen!” John shouts as loud as he can and stands on his toes to attain the height needed to get in the Capricorn’s face. This takes Gamzee by surprise, just enough to momentarily silence him. “I didn’t reject Karkat because I don’t love him. I rejected him because he’s too young. You have to be a legal adult to marry! He is still seventeen! Give me one month minus a day and he’ll be eighteen, and then I will say yes! Does your species know nothing about this human disease called “Marriage?” John’s shouting woke up Karkat, but the human didn’t exactly catch what was being said about what, and only thinks that the shouting has nothing to do with him. Perhaps now is a good time to plot an escape strategy and get the hell out of this place? 

Before he can finish that thought, Karkat hears the Gamzee’s voice muffled from the thick closed door and walls. He presses his ear against the door, but it does no good. The voices in the unknown expanse behind the door and out of the darkness are too muffled, and they appear to be shouting at each other, having nothing to do with the human trapped in the small void of his dying heart, shattered by rejection and dishonesty.

Wow, okay, well … uh, that got a little too deep. Moving on …

  


* * *

  


“The defendant was found by police in the woodlands near Lolar City. According to the report, he stated ‘It’s okay, officers. I don’t need your help to kill my ex-friend’,” the prosecutor says. “As such, he is being charged with attempted murder. He then fought all attempts of arrest after decapitating a police officer and mortally wounding another with a katana. He was finally apprehended and taken to the jail.” The hatred for Dirk is only growing in the eyes of the jury, and the reporters’ feelings are not indifferent. The half of OPHFC attending the trial has no idea what to think. They have always thought that their beloved god was a hero no matter what version of him is being referenced. But now, now they just don’t know. 

Dirk can’t even face any one. Instead he sits in his chair with his head down, silently hoping that something will happen, but for him, he knows that all hope is lost. He doesn’t even hear his name when they call him to the witness stand. Instead, the prosecutor makes his way over to the boy and shakes his shoulder to get his attention. “Go up to the witness stand,” the woman says harshly. A couple of police officers in the room pick him up by his arms and “escort” him to the stand, in which they carelessly drop him in the chair. Dirk’s butt misses the chair by a couple inches and his back rubs against the front of the seat. He does his best to hold back tears, as if crying would do anything to help his case. He slowly crawls up into the seat, though he really just wants to remain hidden from the crowd. Once settled in the chair, he doesn’t even look at anyone. He just keeps his head down as the questions pile up. 

“Why did you do it? Did you honestly think you would get away with it? Have you ever given any thought as to the families of these people? What could have possibly been your motivation?” The questions keep piling up and Dirk just sits there. The prosecutor gives him no chance to answer before she states, “The prosecution has no further questions.” The judge then dismisses him from his position to return to his table. He complies, but only because he doesn’t even want to talk and he knows that he’ll just get a worse sentence if he speaks. 

Hours later when the trial ends, the jury is sent to a room to discuss the trial and the verdict. “Well, it’s pretty obvious that he’s guilty. Should we really drag this out,” a man asks. 

“No, just end it for him. That way he won’t strike.” Another says.

“Guys, I think that he might regret his decisions,” a woman responds. “Did you see the way that he sat there. He didn’t put up any sort of fight and he looked helpless the entire time. I don’t think he really meant what he did.”

“No, he meant everything. Didn’t you hear the evidence? He even stated that he didn’t need help to kill his ex-friend. On top of that he decapitated a police officer, mortally wounded another, and sliced up a hospital nurse like the diclonius in _Elfen Lied_. He is far from innocent, and whether he regrets it or not, he deserves the absolute worst punishment he can get.” The arguments continue for some time. Some jurors share the woman’s viewpoint, others share the viewpoint of the juror that had just spoken. 

  


* * *

  


“Where are those two,” The Seer quietly asks the Sylph. 

“I don’t know, but does it really appear that anyone cares?” The two girls giggle slight at that. 

“Uh, not to be rude or anything, but the Bard of Rage does seem rather calm today, much unlike his usual self. Would there be any reason or is today just one of those days,” a reporter asks.

“Actually, my group of trolls also included a Makara, just like the Bard,” Aranea responds. “He had similar anger issues, but kept them to himself, and he eventually sewed is own mouth shut. The Bard, however, has no control over his anger, and consequentially, no control of his actions when said anger is induced or active. I am simply controlling his mind to keep him in check, as I have been doing constantly for nearly a year. I have just been a little out of range, which is why he seemed so angry all the time. In order for you to get a taste of his true rage, pardon the pun, you would have to see him without any mind control. As such.” Aranea releases Gamzee from her mind controlling abilities It doesn’t seem all that noticeable to everyone, but there is a significant difference in that the Bard seems somewhat disoriented for a few seconds, looking around and wondering where the fuck he is. After about fifteen seconds, he stands up and starts walking backstage. “Where are you going,” Aranea asks.

“I’m going to get a drink of water!” Okay, so that doesn’t really seem too out of the ordinary for the Bard. That is until he comes back with a bucket of water. Aranea is too preoccupied speaking to the reporters about her and the other extra gods’ decisions to come into the universe. Thus he is able to sneak up on her, set the bucket down, get her in a strangle hold, and shove her face under the water. Right. In front. Of everybody. Reporters gasp and the Official Bard of Rage Fan Club (OBRFC pronounced “Ober Fuck”) cheers him on. Aranea was really starting to get annoying. Seconds pass with a struggling Aranea and a rage-filled Bard of Rage trying to drown her before Vriska gets a good enough Grip on his mind to stop him. Once she has caught her breath, Aranea quickly regains full control over Gamzee’s mind and forces him to sit back down with an innocent smile on his face. “As demonstrated by that,” she concludes her “Gamzee is pure evil” explanation, which she was ironically in the middle of when he attacked.

  


* * *

  


“Has the jury reached a verdict,” the judge asks, surprised that the decision took this long. “Yes, we finally have,” the foreman says. “We the jury find the defendant, Dirksen Strider, mortal incarnation of the Prince of Heart, guilty on all charges. We recommend life in maximum security prison.” 

“Your Honor, before you sentence the criminal, I would like to suggest immediate, gruesome death as the punishment. He is known to be extremely good at getting himself out of places, and as such I believe that immediate, gruesome death be the punishment as to assure he doesn’t strike again,” the prosecutor states.

“I would have to agree,” the judge responds. “Dirksen Strider, you have made no attempts to prove your innocence, and as such, I see the verdict fitting. The jury’s recommendation to your punishment, however, because of your knowledge I do not believe that life in prison is the best punishment. I see immediate death to be the proper justice that is to be taken here.” The judge strikes his gavel and dismisses the court. Dirk is immediately taken out to the execution grounds where he will be tortured until his body gives way to the pain. 

By the time Dirk arrives to the execution arena, a crowd has gathered. To watch the events unfold. In front of everybody, Dirk is stripped of all clothing. The first method used on him is a mask that slowly suffocates him by blocking some oxygen. It makes it incredibly hard for him to breathe. They then tie down his arms and legs by his wrists and ankles. They pull out whips and begin lashing out at him. For several minutes. Then a thin string is lowered. It is pulled taught and rotated quickly. The string itself in only a few inches long, but when it comes into contact with his skin, it immediately slices through like a hot knife through melted butter. It is tested on his chest. The executioners seem satisfied with the result and remotely move the rotating string to the left side of Dirks head. It is slowly brought down until it slices his ear cleanly off. It is then taken back to his chest, where it is used to slice of one nipple, then the other. It is then dragged along his stomach, peeling off skin as it goes along. Several minutes pass with several different methods of torture before they decide to end it. Dirk is moved to a position where his head rests atop a completely straight split in the ground. On one side of the room, there is a slot in the wall. On the other side, another slot. 

On one hand, Dirk is happy that he’s finally going to be out of pain. On the other, he isn’t even being allowed to say goodbye to Jake. His Jake. His life, being stolen from him right here, right now. The sound of a saw blade rapidly rotating fills the arena and Dirk’s eyes widen as he realizes his fate. He is going to be decapitated. The blade finds its way out of whatever dark crevice of hell it originated and makes its way across the floor at several tens of miles per hour. Dirk closes his eyes and lets out one last little whimper as he feels the blade graze the back of his neck.


	44. Chapter 43: A Little Early

The audience is none the wiser to the two gods and the adviser going back in time and snatching Dirk up before the blade could make too much damage. They, of course, failed the first time and Dirk had been decapitated right there in front of everybody. The blade passed so quickly and so smoothly through his neck that there was barely even a splatter of blood and the audience was at first confused as to whether it had happened. In other words, Dirk had momentarily died, but it didn't actually happen because the Prince, the crimson Knight, and the Prince's advisor went back in time to stop, the advisor being none the wiser to it as well. Before the Knight resumes the proper flow of time, the three take the Abandoned Prince to chez Bequerius for medical assistance. Once there, time resumes normally. 

"So, you can't acknowledge the fact that John needs serious help, but you save yourself from a just death. How ironically un-ironic." The advisor nearly jumps out of his living flesh from the beast that is suddenly in the room with them. The two gods were already expecting it, and Dirk is just in too much pain to care.

"Just fix him up as painfully as possible so he'll learn his lesson," the Prince orders. "I don't want to have to keep taking precious time out of my days to play rescue squad."

"You know, you could have just threatened to rip everyone's souls out. I'm quite sure that would have worked."

"What do you mean by 'quite sure?' You don't know?"

"Due to recent happenings, I have been in doubt about my supposed omniscience. I'm actually not quite sure about anything at this point." Upon hearing this, the Prince pinches that little bridge between his eyes in frustration. "This is absurd," he bluntly states. "What use is a First Guardian that isn't sure about anything?" Thus a series of rapidly occurring events happens that leads the Prince to being literally kicked off of Beq's property. The Knight and advisor were threatened and left as well, but they didn't have to be kicked. Dirk remains in the mansion for the unsure First Guardian to go do that voodoo that he do so well and heal him.

  


Back at the stupid windproof mansion, the Heir decides that he's had enough of watching the press conference and decides to change the channel to something more interesting, say, the news. Okay, perhaps the news is overrated, so he decides to change it to The Weather Channel instead. He might as well see what kind of winds he's expected to "allow" these storms to have, though he already knows. After a few minutes of this, he realizes that he enjoys watching The Weather Channel and wonders where the fudge it's been all his life. Seriously, he had no idea how much he cared about what the weather is going to be like in Topeka. 

But what really catches his attention comes after they get back from commercials. The meteorologist woman or whatever starts talking about a certain lunar event. "Don't forget to watch the perigee tomorrow night," is all the Heir heard and all he really needs to hear. He remembers hearing something about a perigee and this whole "weretroll" deal, though he can't quite think of what it means. 

  


\-- godlyTrickster `[GT]` began pestering _ [ ] at 17:10 --

  


GT: help. i need help.

: (`Would this happen to be about you being trapped in your own mansion?`)

GT: what? no. i can't remember, but i think that i heard something about a perigee when discussing this whole ordeal about me. 

: (`Yes, you did hear about a perigee. It is the bilunar perigee this week, and it's the deadline. If you are to stop the curse before your mortal self permanently becomes a troll then you must establish a cure before it happens.`)

GT: well, what is the cure?

: (`Read what I just typed and figure it out yourself. You gods have gotten on my last nerve and you are lucky I even helped this much.`)

  


\-- _ [ ] blocked the gods --

  


GT: please don't do this. 

  


On the television, the meteorologist woman thing concludes her little lecture about the upcoming perigee, stating that it will happen at 7:06 pm on Monday. There is only one problem, however. Tomorrow is Monday and Karkat is still unwilling to help. Selfish bastard. So the Heir decides to send Kankri a few messages. He noticeably gets them, as seen by everyone watching the press conference and the Heir himself when he flips the television back to that particular channel. 

"Aren't you going to answer that thing?" The Knight sitting adjacent to Kankri sounds irritated. 

"I see no reason to," Kankri replies. "We are in the middle of an important event and I do not wish to interrupt  
it by texting."

"The only reason you need to answer it is the fact that it's buzzing and it's incredibly annoying." No one can hear the two arguing due to their whispering. Everyone is just annoying the obvious sight of two god trolls silently arguing with each other. This, of course, annoys the Heir. Thus, he decides to do a live Froggercast explaining his predicament to the best of his knowledge and plead for help.  
He sets up the camera and sits in front of it. He waits for the recording signal and begins speaking when it comes on. 

“Okay, uh … (I should’ve thought this over.) Uh, well … Hello, everyone. I am the Heir of Breath. (Wow, you’re so stupid. Everyone already knows that.) Earlier today, if you were watching the press conference with the gods or whatever, you know that I am not there (Obviously, idiot). It was not my choice. I am actually stuck here, at home, unable to escape because the Knight of Blood decided to change the locks without my knowledge. Why we would need locks in the first place, I have no idea.

“It was also not my decision for my mortal incarnation to transform. Yes, I said my mortal incarnation. Not me--well, technically it is me, but another me. There are actually three of them in this universe: Me, the one speaking, a young mortal incarnation, which is the one that was exiled from my godhead, and an old mortal incarnation. I really have no idea how to explain that one. But the one that I want to focus on is the one that was exiled from my godhead. We’ll call him John because, well, that’s his name. That’s my name. I know, it’s strange--having a god with a normal-sounding name like all of yours. But in reality, all of us gods started off like you. Now, to the topic. 

“Like myself and the Knight of Blood, we’ll call him KOB [pronounced “cob”], John is in a relationship with a troll. This particular troll is KOB’s mortal incarnation. His only mortal incarnation. We’ll call KOB’s mortal incarnation Karkat. I know it’s an incredibly cute name. But to the point.” It is at this point where someone in the Official Heir of Breath Fan Club (OHBFC pronounced “Obi fuck Kenobi” due to the Heir’s not-so-secret fascination with Star Wars) lets out a fangirl-equivalent scream because his favorite god is doing a live broadcast. This catches the reporters’ attention, and they ask to show it. In seconds the Heir’s speech or whatever is on every television currently tuned in to the press conference. 

“John has transformed already. In fact, it is complete now, and an estimation as to when it would become permanent was given by one of his friends, which is yet another mortal incarnation of another god, but all these names are probably hard to keep up with so we’ll skip out on that. This estimation, as I understand, was given to be around Thursday on the bilunar perigee. Now this wouldn’t be very significant if it weren’t for a slight miscalculation: the bilunar perigee is tomorrow at 7:06 pm, which gives us,” the Heir checks his watch, “about twenty-six hours--well, not even that, to find the cure and save my mortal incarnation from living the rest of his life as a troll. Don’t get me wrong; I love trolls, but the thing is, I don’t want to be a troll. I am perfectly happy as a human, and as a human I would love for all of my current incarnations to remain. So, I have, over the past week, attempted to get KOB to help with finding and distributing the cure to John. Unfortunately, due to his ‘infinite hatred’ toward John, KOB has been stubborn and unwilling to help in any way, shape, or form. Minutes ago, I texted KOB’s dancestor, or whatever they’re called, asking him to help. With him also being a player of Blood, I expect that he would also be able, and more willing, to help. Anyone and everyone who was watching the press conference would have seen this, as I do believe he has his phone on vibrate. Knowing KOB, I would have expected a far greater and more violent reaction toward Kankri for not answering the numerous texts. Buzzing really gets on his nerves, especially when nothing is done to prevent or stop it.” At this point, the gods and everyone else look over to Kankri and KOB--Karkat. Yeah, those two. Karkat’s godhead is given an accusing look while Kankri is just given that look that says, “With something like this, now you choose to be considerate?”

“So, any and all help will be greatly appreciated. You can find John and his friends at 61296 Lopah Street.” Just like that, the live Froggercast is over. The camera shuts off and the Heir is once again shut out from the world by any means save the television. Right now, he can only hope that everything works out. 

  


* * *

  


“I certainly hope you learned your lesson, Dirk.” The First Guardian couldn’t be more pleased. “You shouldn’t be accepting deals with devils. Look where you ended up.” Dirk remains silenced by intense pain. He has no left ear, no nipples, and a long strip of skin peeled off his stomach. The large saw blade sliced barely a centimeter into his neck, which has slowed bleeding, but not stopped. Even with near omniscience, Beq knows that this is going to be a long visit and a long procedure. Yes, he can teleport anywhere instantly, but he can’t just teleport Dirk’s ear sewn back on his head. Can he … ?

Instructions unclear; ear stuck in right eye.

… Yeah, no. Apparently he can’t. Ugh, this is going to be a long procedure. 

  


* * *

  


#### Time until deadline: 22 hours 10 minutes

“You know, I never noticed how large the moons look when they’re getting close to perigee,” Rose says. “How long do we have to find the cure?”

“According to Kanaya, about five days,” Terezi responds. “You think we should have been doing that rather than whatever we’ve been doing?”

“Like what, rescuing John?” Rose acts almost offended.

“No, I mean goofing off. Look what we did last night--we had a fairy princess tea party. I mean, finding a cure hasn’t been on our minds at all since we finally brought John back. It’s disgraceful and kind of makes us look like bad friends.”

“Well, I think John is just happy to be back with Karkat. Can you believe that Kanaya was suspecting Karkat of wanting to propose? He never confirmed it, but she did warn him against doing it.” Rose gives a small smile. 

“Why would she warn against it? I thought they loved each other.” Terezi is genuinely confused. From everything she’s seen, John and Karkat seemed to both be overdosing on oxytocin, dopamine, and norepinephrine whenever they were anywhere near each other. It just doesn’t make sense that Kanaya, being the type of troll she is, wouldn’t see that and warn against a marriage proposal.

“Well, she says that it wouldn’t fall so much in the love category so much as age. Which, you know, seems logical. But given their absolute obsession with each other, I highly doubted her thoughts into that.” Rose chuckles a little as she and Terezi walk underneath the silver moonlight of Earth’s two satellites. “You know, back in our original universe we thought that having two moons would make the earth incredibly unstable and unsuitable for life. Well, human life, anyway.”

“Humans are weird.”

“Yeah, we love you too.” The two girls break out in laughter. They are interrupted when Rose’s phone rings. It’s John. Or Dad. Or whoever is calling from the Crocker/Egbert/Vantas/Makara/Yougettheidea residence. 

“Hello,” she answers.

“Rose, why are there people just randomly showing up at the door? Last time I checked it is still a few months from your human ‘Halloween.’” It is Kanaya. In the background, Dad can be heard shouting for people to leave. 

“What are you talking about? Why would anybody be over there?”

“I don’t know, but it has forced us to all join forces to keep them out. It is horrible.” Kanaya says it rather jokingly, but she means every word. She doesn’t want to join forces with the Axis Powers. She wants to fight, dammit. And doing what they’re doing now isn’t fighting. Well, it is, but it is the opposite of the fighting that she wants to do.

“Have you even asked them what they wanted?”

“Yes. They said that they wanted to see the Abandoned Heir, whatever that means.” Rose has a very good feeling she knows what that means. She had heard on the radio about a half an hour ago that the Heir has called upon his followers to help find a cure for the mysterious curse or whatever that has been bestowed  
upon John. “Just hang on. I guess I’ll have to come over and settle things over there.”

“Who was that,” Terezi asks. 

“Kanaya. There’s some trouble over at John’s place. I told her I’d be right over to settle it.”

“I heard that part. I just asked who it was.”

“It was Kanaya.” Terezi gives Rose that sarcastic “Really?” face, to which Rose replies with a nod. 

  


#### Time until deadline: 21 hours 20 minutes

Okay, now that the crowd is all settled, time for some explanation on the author’s part as to why it took Rose fifty minutes to get to the house. The short answer is it didn’t. It only took her about ten, considering that she was only around a mile away or so and the crowd was kind of thick. Once she got close enough to the house to where it could be considered there, the crowd was so thick that it took her another twenty-five to get to the door, and she’ll be damned if they let her in. I mean, it isn’t like there were twelve thousand people right outside that were trying to get in. 

Okay, there were twelve thousand one people. But the difference that makes is next to negligible. It was at this particular time when Dad decided to not allow any guests inside the house. Of course, the fact that there are twelve thousand one people outside could be considered entirely irrelevant, had it not been for them trying to get in, which Rose is attempting to stop. Unfortunately, stopping a crowd invasion is rather difficult to do, and with the media sure to be on their way, who’s to say that they aren’t going to be the pushy assholes that they are and force their way through the crowd, through the door, and straight to John.


	45. Chapter 44: Crowded

#### Time until deadline: 21 hours 0 minutes

Okay, Rose has finally made it inside. Don’t ask how, though. “What the hell is all that about?!” She tries to regain her breath as she speaks, albeit with a descent amount of difficulty.

“We don’t know,” Kanaya responds. “We were all just sitting here enjoying a rather harsh argument when all these people just showed up. We thought it was just one person at first, but then others popped up behind him, then more, then more, then more. They just kept piling up.”

“That tells me nothing,” Rose says irritably.

“They want to see John,” Dad responds this time. “The only reason they haven’t yet is because I don’t want them in my house and John has locked himself in the basement.”

“I thought he hated it down there.”

“Apparently to him the basement is more appealing than the crowd outside, and he’s discovered that his teeth and horns are razor sharp. Any and all attempts that we’ve made to bring him upstairs have been met with him either attempting to ram us into the wall with his horns or bite our fingers off when they get too close. Damn near tore one mine in half.” Dad makes no attempt to hide his disgusted tone. Rose decides that it’s up to her to stop all this nonsense. She is going downstairs and talking to John. Then she’s coming back up and talking to everyone else. “What’s the passcode to get downstairs, again?”

“Bippity Boppity boop. You can figure it out,” Dad says as he sits in one of the chairs in the living room. Rose lets out a strained sigh and heads toward the basement door. She studies the numbers on the pad carefully before doing some rather complicated and pointless calculations about how big of the third derivative of the position function Dad is being before typing in the correct combination and opening the door. She slowly walks down the stairs, spotting John sitting in a chair facing away from the stairs at the television when she steps off the final step and turns. “Hello, John,” she says calmly. The troll doesn’t make any sounds or movements, so she continues walking around him to take a seat on the couch adjacent to the chair and forming a 90-degree angle with it as well, would the two objects be touching. She stares at John for a couple minutes before speaking. Before the troll opened his bedroom door earlier in the morning he slipped on a pair of pajama pants in order to be relatively decent for whoever was on the other side of it. He didn’t get fully decent because, well, lets face it, the knocking was annoying. He found the situation with Karkat afterward a little too urgent to put on any more clothing and ran down to the closet, well, he did after he fell down the six steps. Once WWII continued, his mind got sidetracked and he never put anything else on. The bite mark that started all this makes itself more prominent on the gray skin just above his left shoulder. His right ankle rests on his left knee, which is weird for him to be sitting like this with bare feet, considering he has this weird thing that makes him uncomfortable allowing people to see the soles of his feet. The pale yellow claws on his toes barely extend past the tips, but they do enough to drive someone with OCD mad to see it. Rose happens to be this someone, and she is trying her best to ignore it. And John’s scowling face rests with his right cheek supported by his fist. The chair is being horribly misused as it is a rocking chair that has the ability to recline. He is doing neither. Instead, he sits completely still, as if he were a marble statue.

If John still had nipples, they would be of diamond. Rose finds it a little difficult to believe that John can sit down in this basement with only a thin pair of pajama pants when she herself can barely stand it with a long, heavy coat on. Of course, the April night air outside is only cool enough for a warm sweater, but this basement seems to make the arctic circle feel like the tropics. Perhaps this was part of an alternate plan to get John back up? If so, it isn’t working, though it is clear John can barely stand it himself with honkbird bumps that seem to make his body appear rough.

Wait … honkbird bumps? The author of this odd piece of literature really needs to stop spending so much time observing trolls.

“John,” Rose says, trying to gain the new troll’s attention. It doesn’t work. “John,” she repeats with a little more force. Still, she receives no answer. “John!” This time when she doesn’t get an answer, she gets up, takes a couple steps until she is directly to John’s left, and takes the back of her left hand to his face in one swift motion. The force from the smack knocks his head and fist apart. Still, he doesn’t look at Rose.

“Dammit, John, you listen to me when I speak to you!” Rose points an accusing finger at the troll in the chair. “I came down here to help, and you will be having all of it! I don’t care if it bores you or not! Now, you don’t have to put up with your father anymore. You are eighteen now, and your godhead seems to be more cooperative with us than ever. Perhaps if you ask him, he’ll give you some money to buy a new house and move out with Karkat. Then you can get a job and work to help support you two. Well, you can after the gods’ No Troll Left Behind Act gets passed by congress or whatever.” The No Troll Left Behind Act was proposed, well, more like forced, upon the new earthen government by the gods to consider trolls as people rather than the heathens that they are currently seen as. This act forces humanity or whatever this species calls itself to allow trolls to have the same benefits and lifestyles as them. And nobody can do a thing about it.

Rose pauses for a few seconds to let that information to settle in to John’s mind, assuming he still has one. Then she speaks again. This time, she does more softly. “John, why did you let me slap you?” She pauses again before continuing. “Why did you let me slap you? Your father told me that you had attempted to ram them with your horns and bite their fingers off whenever they attempted to get close to you. Why did you do that to them but not me?” She stares once again at John, but this time with pleading eyes. After a few seconds, John wordlessly points to the television, which Rose had failed to notice was on. John appears to have the news on. The night’s top story is the Heir of Breath revealing some of the details on his transformation (dammit, media) and a deadline for the cure. “Oh my god,” Rose mutters when she hears the new deadline.

“Apparently your suddenly cooperative Heir has decided that I need a tremendous amount of attention,” John says nonchalantly. He doesn’t even look at Rose. “I’m not leaving this basement until they all go the fuck away.”

“And they aren’t going to go away until they see you,” Rose replies. “John, they know who you are now. They want to see you. They want to be you. And most of all, they want to touch you. They are not going to leave until every last one of them is satisfied.” Rose takes note of his reaction, which isn’t much. And looking at the way he’s dressed, she realizes that he could care less about the rabid crowd outside, but that would take more effort than necessary. “John, what’s really bothering you?” she questions.

“What,” John asks. He isn’t quite sure if he didn’t hear her or if he suspects her of knowing what’s really going through his mind. It’s probably a combination of both, considering he isn’t really listening to her and since she likes to psychoanalyze things, she most likely does know what’s going through his mind.

“I inquired about what’s really bothering you,” Rose says in a mother-like tone. She really spends too much time around Kanaya.

“It’s nothing,” John says, hoping that Rose will go away. Unfortunately for him Rose is Rose and Rose never shies away from a problem.

“John, something is bothering you and I want to know. Usually you don’t go anywhere without a shirt on. The only time you have it off around anyone is either at the pool or when you’re fucking Karkat. Now, tell me what’s wrong, and don’t think I’ll just stand here and take ‘nothing’ for an answer.” The two beings stay in their respective locations in silence as Rose waits for John to talk. Finally, after some time, he does. “I’m fucking everything up.”

“What do you mean?” Just as Rose finishes her question, she sees tears budding in the corners of John’s eyes. She hadn’t realized how broken his voice had seemed when he finally responded until then, which has never happened with her before.

Before John can respond, the two hear a loud crash coming from upstairs. A second later, Kanaya, Meenah, Jane, Gamzee and Dad come running down the stairs. “Lock the door, lock the fucking door,” Dad shouts at Gamzee, who is the last one to get through the doorway. Above them, they hear people chatting and banging on the door trying to get through to the people in the basement. “Well, now what? We’ve been sieged in our own hive,” Gamzee says.

“Yeah, I had a cake in the oven,” Jane complains.

“We sit down here and wait for the problem to solve itself,” Dad says irritably. Unwittingly, they have left Karkat in the closet upstairs and Rawlings alone in the guest bedroom. The latter of which peeks his head out the door to see what all the commotion is about. When he sees the crowd, he quickly and silently gets his head back in the room, shuts, and locks the door. “Well, this couldn’t have been a better time,” he sarcastically mutters. He crosses the room, sits on the bed, and awaits the impending horror of the crowd busting its way into the room. Currently, the crowd suspects neither him nor Karkat to be in the house, which is a bummer because Karkat could really use a shoulder to cry on right now. That, or John to actually explain to him the reasoning behind “rejecting” his proposal.

#### Time until deadline: 20 hours 30 minutes

“How stupid can you be?!” Rose is mad at a certain John Egbert for a certain reason. Okay, she’s beyond mad. She’s absolutely pissed. Lately, things have been seeming to spiral out of control with this whole “John turning into a troll” deal: Karkat was deathly ill, then got kicked out of the house as a consolation, John got kidnapped, flambéed by a biology teacher, lip-raped by Dave, had something completely unknown happen to him by Jake, yelled at by his half not-so-brotherly-father for being a troll, and now he goes off and pulls this. 

“John, I am disappointed at you,” she scolds. “Disappointed” is a rather weak word, as told by the fourth sentence of this paragraph. “Karkat is a troll. Trolls didn’t have marriage on Alternia, and if they did, it probably wouldn’t be anything like what we have. You have to think about this stuff! Did you even want to marry him or were you just waiting until he can no longer satisfy your lust anymore?!” John shrinks away in the chair, the others keep their distance from him and Rose, and the intruders upstairs listen to the female’s outrage through the floor. “B-but I did w-w-want to marry him. I-I-I-I j-just—”

“You just what?! You just didn’t think?!” Wow, John probably should have said yes. “Seriously, John. Did you actually expect an alien who had no prior knowledge to the act of marriage would understand your reasoning for rejecting him?! John, there was a simple solution. You could have said yes, and then waited until after Karkat turned eighteen to hold the wedding! ARE YOU THAT DUMB, BOY?!” John continues to cower and shrink away as much as he can in his chair. Well, it’s Dad’s chair, but it’s currently being occupied by John. 

“Now, because of what you did, Karkat is all alone, upstairs, in the fucking closet!” Rose has a sudden realization as she finishes that sentence. “I probably shouldn’t have shouted that part,” she says, scolding herself.

#### Time until deadline: 30 hours 0 minutes

“Morning everyone.” Jake greets everyone at the breakfast table with a wide smile and teeth white enough to blind.

“Well, that would have worked, were it actually morning,” Bro says.

“Has Dirk not yet returned from his solitary adventure?” Everyone in the house was kind of hoping that the oblivious Jake English wouldn’t notice anything. “Uh, no, not yet,” Other Bro says. “Say, Jake, would you like to come with me to pick Dave up?”

“No, I want to be here when Dirk gets back. We have things we need to discuss.” Jake decides to take a stand for once. Yes, this is unusual, especially for Jake. But alas, these are the Strider Bros that he’s dealing with he has no option.

“Jake, that wasn’t a question. I said it like a question, but it wasn’t. By ‘it wasn’t,’ I mean ‘You are coming with me to pick Dave up.’” Like the author said, Jake has no other option.

#### Time until deadline: 19 hours 43 minutes

“I just-I just don’t understand,” Karkat cries to his (ex?)boyfriend’s fan club members who have taken the courtesy to get him out of the closet. When they first opened the door, they couldn’t believe their eyes. According to Rose, this was Karkat. According to the Heir, Karkat was the Knight of Blood’s mortal incarnation. Well, there’s just one problem here. “Karkat” looks nothing like the Knight of Blood. Well, he does, he just doesn’t, like, you can tell the resemblance, but you can’t really tell the two are the same person, you know?

The first thing the human in the closet did when he was let out was run—well, tried to run to the bathroom. After however many hours he was in there, his bladder really got full, not to mention his colon. Oh god his colon was so full his anal sphincter muscles were crying. Figuratively speaking, of course. After that, he tried to head back to the safety of the accepting darkness of the closet with his head down low and figurative tail tucked between his literal legs. However, someone saw this and decided to help him out--as in he took the human over to the dining room table and sat down with him. Now, the two sit there accompanied by several others trying to bring comfort to Karkat. "What did I do wrong?" Karkat seems to be on the verge of yet another mental meltdown, if he hasn't already turned into a human Chernobyl. The people attempting to comfort him had asked him what's wrong, and he gave the entire story from when he had Gamzee get the ring to right now. 

"You know, I don't think he actually meant it as a rejection," a woman says. Karkat looks up at her with sad eyes. "I think it's just a misunderstanding," she continues. 

"What makes you say that," Karkat asks between sniffles. 

"We just heard a girl down in the basement chew his ass off for it," the man who brought Karkat over to the table says. "We could've swore we heard him say he wanted to marry you. And then she tore him another one about saying yes and waiting." He rubs circles in the human's back. 

"Waiting for what?" Now Karkat looks at him with the same eyes. 

"We don't know. Everyone gasped when she said that." This gives Karkat a little more hope, and it is visible on his face. 

"Are you actually the Knight of Blood's mortal," another woman asks. "You act nothing like him." Karkat nods as a response and says with a little contempt, "Unfortunately yes. That stupid, fucking prick thinks he's better than everyone and always has. I'm pretty sure he wants to hate marry me."

"Hate marry," the people around Karkat ask in unison. 

"It's a part of rather complicated troll romance. You wouldn't understand it, but I've been questioning why I don't just hate marry myself ever since John and his group had to scratch their session of the game." He then finishes with, "Well, now it appears that I finally can," in a mock-joyful tone. 

Looking to draw the subject away from troll romance, and because everyone has already heard enough of The Game from the gods, another man around Karkat takes them back to the subject of him being KOB's mortal by asking why Karkat isn't a human. "I don't know," Karkat responds, "I guess it has something to do with this stupid curse. John turned into a troll and I turned into a human. I guess if we don't find a cure or whatever he's stuck that way. I, however, am going to change back no matter what. I'm really not looking forward to it."

"Why not? Do you enjoy being a human," another woman asks. 

"No, it was just extremely painful turning into one. I'm not expecting the reversion to feel any better." Karkat gives a small, forced smile and sips on a cup of coffee someone kindly made for him. Coffee isn't his ideal drink, but considering how long he's gone without anything to eat or drink, except for the one can of Coke half a day ago, he'll take anything he can get. Once in the closet a few hours ago, he even thought about drinking his own "semen," as John had awkwardly called it—well, that's what John had called his own genetic fluid anyway—for some sort of nourishment. 

What? He's flexible enough.


	46. Chapter 45: Inept First Guardian

#### Time until deadline: 20 hours 12 minutes

Other Bro and Jake are only minutes away from their destination. Unfortunately, neither of them has ever been here before, so neither of them exactly knows where they are or where exactly they’re going. Other Bro also refuses to use GPS, so that probably isn’t helping the situation. Directions would also be helpful, and Jake has recommended them several times over the past few hours, but Other Bro is driving, and if there’s one thing that everyone knows about Dave, it’s that Dave takes directions from no one. If someone tells him to go one way, he’ll go the other. Hey, he might have to travel a full circle around the globe, but he’ll still get to where he’s going. 

Okay, so perhaps Jake hasn’t exactly received the message yet. “Strider, you are an idiot.” He really hopes that Other Bro is Dave. He doesn’t want Dirk to think Jake hates him. After all, these types of things may transfer through the minds of the different iterations. … Okay, they don’t. But Jake doesn’t know that.

“I know you are, but what am I?” Score one for Strider.

“Your insults are the epitome of idiotic and you the epitome of stubborn. Do you not have much sense?”

“Nope.” With that, Other Bro pulls into a gas station. “Here, if you want directions, you can ask, yourself.” And so Jake gets out of the automated vehicular device and goes inside. During this time Other Bro decides that it would be a good idea to top off the tank. After all, they have been running on E for thirty minutes. 

“Any day now … ,” Other Bro says to no one in particular after he gets done at the pump. Jake’s been inside the gas station for a good fifteen minutes now. The time is 11:11 pm and the moons are nearly full and dangerously close in the sky. Somehow, the complex force of gravity acts against these two large bodies, one being Earth’s original moon, and the other one that was created during another major impact with the earth during the early stages of this new solar system. The impact originally created three moonlets that later combined into one full moon. The new moon orbited dangerously close to the original moon’s orbit, and for the past four billion years the two have been in an intricate dance to keep from colliding. It is predicted, however, that this next perigee won’t end very well for one, or both, of the satellites. Seriously, what is taking that boy so long?

The time is 11:15 p.m., and Dave has had enough. He’s had enough of this “Other Bro” crap. He’s had enough of this “waiting on Jake” crap. He’s going inside the gas station and getting English and bringing him back out to the car, and if Jake isn’t feeling cooperative, then he’ll just leave without him. He busts through the door (not really, he just opens them and walks through rather quickly). “Okay, English. It’s time to go!” He looks around and Jake is nowhere to be found. “Jake?” David stands there in the doorway awkwardly. People stare. He begins to feel somewhat uncomfortable, especially when an old woman demands that he move out of her way when she goes to walk out. 

The clerk, who seems less than amused, just like everyone else in the building, points a bony finger toward the restrooms. David slowly walks over, keeping an eye on the clerk, who keeps his finger pointed in such direction. When David does get to the restrooms, the door is locked. He knocks, but whoever is inside won’t open. After thirty seconds or so, he presses his ear against the door. Faint sobbing enters his ear. “Jake,” he calls. Momentarily the sobbing stops, but it resumes after the person inside decides it’s safe. “Jake, I know you have a girlish (figure) personality, but that doesn’t mean that you can have periods. Get out here and let’s go.” 

Inside the restroom were a urinal and a stall. Jake was crouched up in a ball in the corner of the stall. His eyes are bloodshot from crying. The last thing he needs is Strider—any one of them—to be making fun of him. How else is he supposed to react when he finds out about Dirk being vaporized? Albeit the vaporization was just a freak happening in what was supposed to be a decapitation. But still. It isn’t his fault. 

BAM! One. BAM! Two. BAM! On the third try David breaks through the door to find a sight he wasn’t really expecting. Well, he knew that Jake was crying, he just didn’t expect Jake to by curled up in the corner of a rather filthy restroom while doing it. “Come on, let’s go. We can talk about this on the way to the jail.” He picks Jake up by the arm and [gently] drags him out to the vehicle through a crowd of dirty looks and drives off. 

What? What else was he supposed to do?

“Uh, do I even want to know what’s wrong?” Okay, it’s a rhetorical question, but David really doesn’t want to know. 

“Did you know about Dirk, Strider?” Jake stares at David with sad eyes that seem bigger than his head. It’s really making him uncomfortable. Seriously, he’s never had this responsibility. Really, his only kid was his biological father and that was three hundred years after he died. The only thing he’s ever had to do for someone is stock an apartment-time capsule with a shit ton of puppets. Horrible, horrible puppets.

“Uh, it all depends on what you mean by ‘know.’” He doesn’t know exactly what. 

“Dirk was vaporized!” Okay, that was a curveball. David hadn’t known that. Come to think of it, the last he or anyone else had heard was that Dirk could face the death penalty. 

“Uh, no.” David looks over at Jake, and it’s the worst decision he could’ve possibly made. Jake’s sad eyes bore straight into his soul, and though it’s only been a second of eye contact, it feels like an eternity for David. “I mean, we knew he could face the death penalty, we just didn’t know that vaporization was a thing now.”

“You knew and didn’t tell me?” Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Jake’s voice breaks as he finishes his question and he begins to sob even more. David really needs to get to the jail. At least then he can pick the blueberry-scented tomato up and Jake can concentrate on laughing at him rather than crying at him.

  


* * *

  


Um … yeah, Bequerius has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. After six fucking hours of this shit he has gotten nowhere. Seriously, at this current moment, Dirk lies on the makeshift operating table with his torso and abdomen split open completely and Beq playing with some sort of fleshy oblong ball he took out of the human, trying to figure out how and where to put it back. 

Okay, so perhaps “nowhere” is an overstatement. A BIG overstatement. Had Beq actually had any sort of medical knowledge he would’ve seen that Dirk only needed some bandages on his stomach an ear reattached, also a stitch or two on the side of his neck. And the skin that used to surround Dirk’s nipples needed to be sewn together to close the areas. But no, something happened and he had to cut the poor boy open. Well, he didn’t actually have to cut Dirk open; He just thought he had to. This is obviously not Dirk’s day. 

“So … uh, do you even know what this thing is,” Beq asks Dirk as he tosses the fleshy oblong ball around in his hands. Dirk, due to poorly incorporated anesthesia, lies fully awake and aware of what’s happening with his insides. He can barely feel a thing. Instead of looking, though, he just stares straight up at the ceiling hoping for this ordeal to end. He remains completely silent. “Seriously, it’s like a weird, fleshy, bloody, deflated balloon—oh, no no no no nonononono—da-aahh, damn it. Uh … Where’d it go … ?” Beq misses the oblong ball and in his attempts to catch it, he accidentally flings it somewhere and it disappears, making a somewhat quiet squishing sound when it lands. The sound is too silent to be able to pinpoint its location. He takes small steps around his current spot as he looks around for it. Then he hears a small squish and his left foot feels like it stepped on something soft and fleshy. Without even looking down he knows exactly what happened, and by slowly rubbing his foot on the carpeted floor and awkwardly looking anywhere but at Dirk he attempts to wipe the mess off of his foot. “ … I hope you didn’t need that back.” Dirk doesn’t even want to know what just happened. 

Wanting to get Dirk sewn up before he can screw anything else up, Beq goes over to the bookshelf on the opposite side of the room. After a couple seconds he finds the book he’s looking for, Surgery for Omniscient First Guardians Who Have No Idea What They’re Doing. Otherwise known as Surgery for Dummies. He pulls the book off the shelf and sets it on the table. After a couple minutes of searching through it, he asks Dirk, “If anything were to go wrong, you wouldn’t happen to know how to perform CPR on yourself, would you?” Yes, he’s dead serious about all this. Dirk gives a small, strained sigh. He is quite afraid for his life, yet wanting to die all at the same time just to escape this torment. It isn’t really torment in the pain category because he can’t really feel anything, but just knowing that Beq is destroying his body is psychological torment. What did he ever do to deserve this? 

“Uh huh,” Beq says to himself as he reads. “Uh huh. Well, I think I can do this.” He walks over to a dreading Dirk to sew the boy up. When he picks up the scalpel and needle and thread he notices the fear in Dirk’s face. “What? You think that just because I have claws and can’t hold these tools the ‘proper way’ means that I can’t keep a good grip on them? Well, it doesn’t.” Aaaaaand there goes the scalpel right into Dirk’s gut. Why does Bequerius think he always has to do hand gestures? “Ah,” Beq says as he observes the sharp object in Dirks gut. “It has hit a vein.” Well, there’s really nothing that can be done about this except for getting the scalpel out. So Beq does what any respectable surgeon does—he reaches in seemingly carelessly and pulls it out. Of course, he grips onto it with his claws because it’s covered in blood. Ew. After he pulls the scalpel out, he holds it behind him and gives it a few good shakes, splattering blood on the wall and floor. It, of course, makes small, splattering sounds as it impacts. To finish it off, Beq even makes a rather grossed out face as he does it. Why? Well, it’s blood. Ew.

After he gets most of the blood off the scalpel, which he really doesn’t need, he goes to do whatever with it that he thinks will help with sewing Dirk back up when he notices something in his claws. He brings his left hand (the one holding the scalpel) up toward his face to get a closer look and digs into his left middle claw with the claw on his right thumb. He then takes a closer look at whatever came out of his claw. “Uh, you might want to get antibiotics after this,” he says to Dirk. “It seems that I have forgotten to wash my paws before commencing this operation. I’ll be right back.” Beq lays the scalpel and needle and thread down on the table next to the makeshift operating table and walks away, closing the door when he exits the room. After the door closes, Dirk lets out another strained sigh as he continues to stare at the ceiling. This is going to be a long, long procedure.

  


* * *

  


#### Time until deadline: 24 hours 0 minutes

“So, you want to do these last few hours until John’s ‘transformation’ or whatever becomes permanent live?” Kankri questions the camera crew about their decision. 

“Yes. We’ve already discussed it with the network and they think it’s a great idea,” one of the reality show’s producers responds. The gods—all except for the Knights of Blood and Time and the Prince of Heart—look at each other in silent consideration for a few seconds before agreeing. “Excellent,” the producer says. “The camera and sound crews will meet you in the lobby.

#### Time until deadline: 16 hours 9 minutes

“Ugh, I didn’t sign up for this,” the Heir bluntly states as he pinches that little bridge-whatever-it’s-called between his eyes when the camera and sound crew follows the Knight of Blood into the living room. 

“You didn’t, I did,” the Knight responds. “Well, all of us except you, did.” He walks over to the sofa and sits next to the Heir. “So, what are you doing? You’ve been glued to that laptop ever since I got back from the press conference.” 

“If it makes any sort of difference, I’ve been trying to get ahold of the first Guardian for the past several hours. The last thing he said to me was, ‘Read what I just typed and figure it out yourself. You gods have gotten on my last nerve and you are lucky I even helped this much.’” The Heir mimics Beq’s voice by deepening his own. He won’t tell me the damn cure for this-this—whatever it is and it’s pissing me off.” He angrily types another message to the first guardian.

“The cure for what?” The Heir immediately stops his typing and looks over at the Knight, giving him the stink eye as he does. “What,” the Knight asks. After a few seconds, he decides to try to lighten the mood. “You know, you are cute when you do that.” And he taps the tip of the Heir’s nose. 

“I bet it looks even cuter as a troll,” the Heir replies. 

“Oh my god! Please, just drop this nonsense. We’ve already been through this.” The Knight gets up and begins to storm out of the room. 

“Karkat, just for once can you be considerate and do something for someone other than yourself?” The Heir doesn’t even get up as the Knight leaves the room. “Fine, go to bed or do whatever. See if I care.” Something makes him look behind him. “What the fuck—get that camera out of my goddamn face!” He smacks the camera away. “Go follow Karkat!” He turns around and gets back to typing countless messages to the First Guardian. After several messages and no replies, he looks at the clock. Well, it is 2:57 am. Perhaps he’s asleep? 

Do First Guardians even need sleep?


	47. Chapter 46

#### Time until deadline: 18 hours 2 minutes

"Sh," Rose says. "I think they're gone."

"I wouldn't count on it," John replies. "You said they came for me. They haven't yet seen me, therefore they haven't left yet." Of course, John isn't in the absolute best mood. Despite Rose chewing his ass off he still managed to fall back into the same grouchy mood he was in earlier. Dad must be contagious. Well, contagious only to John, anyway.

"I don't know. It is rather quiet," Kanaya says hopefully.

"Silence means nothing." Once again, John is horribly misusing a rocking/reclining chair by doing neither action. His painfully obvious overbite is excruciatingly obvious with the scowl painted onto his face. In a couple of hours, the Heir will make a correct assumption: it does look even cuter as a troll.

Meanwhile, upstairs in the living room, Karkat sits with some more members of OHBFC. Meanwhile even then, some of the OHBFC members have sent out texts to their friends over in OKBFC (Official Knight of Blood Fan Club. Pronounced "Go Fuck Yourself," due to his famous short temper—you know, this one is kind of like other acronyms. You know, the ones that make absolutely no sense to anyone, but somehow ended up being that way—the ones like NAZI, which doesn't even use A, Z, or I as a beginning to any of the words it stands for? Okay, perhaps that was a poor example to this one, but how the hell did they get "Go Fuck Yourself" out of "OKBFC?") to brag about meeting their idol. Karkat has begrudgingly allowed some of them to take pictures with him. They never did tell him why, and they sort of feel bad about it, with him being sad and all, but hey, it's proof. Soon after, members of OKBFC arrived, eager to meet their mortalized idol. However, they feel a little let down when they see aforementioned idol is a human and not the beloved troll they thought he was. Yet somehow they know for a fact that it's him. Perhaps it is that there's only one being in this universe that can look completely sad and innocent while, at the same time, have the hatred of a million hells burning in his eyes. You know, he is starting to feel a little bit better knowing that these people idolize him. Well, they act like they do, anyway.

In the guest room, Rawlings suddenly gets the urge to pee. Okay, it isn't really an urge more so as _empty this goddam bladder or it will fucking explode! _And since he simply refuses to destroy such fine carpet and he has no bottles or anything to go in, he really has no other choice rather than to try to get to the bathroom without being flattened by the crowd.__

__One breath. Another breath. Another breath. Okay, let's do this. He unlocks the door and opens it slowly. Surprisingly, no one is paying attention, and he is able to slip into the crowd. No one even bats an eye toward him, possibly because unlike the others, he is unheard of, and therefore unrecognized. When he gets out he fights his way out into the main part of the house. He doesn't immediately recognize Karkat sitting on the couch. Perhaps this is because he has yet to actually see the human. Without even thinking, he gets something to drink and takes it into the living room, where he forces room to be made for him on the sofa. He unknowingly sits directly across the room from Karkat. A rather clingy group of people hangs around him like flies on a fresh pile of whatever kind of animal's crap you want to imagine. "So, are you like, a bi-pimp or something?" Well, Rawlings did kind of marry Gamzee. Was this so unexpected?_ _

__Either way, it doesn't receive a very good look from Karkat. All the people who were hanging around him jump away awkwardly. Karkat quickly retaliates. "And I would assume by the way you're sitting that you are one of my whores." Rawlings is taken aback by the sudden harshness against his joke. "Wh-what's wrong with the way I'm sitting," he asks._ _

____

"Legs open, hands placed in a seductive position in between said legs, occasionally sipping on whatever like you can't get enough to quench whatever sick thirst you have, and don't get me started on the way you lick the rim of the cup to get whatever off it. I could go on."

  


"Sh," Rose says. "Do you guys hear what I hear?"

"Perhaps. It depends on what you hear," John replies nonchalantly.

"I hear a couple people talking," Kanaya states. "Why?"

"Because she's Rose," John says. "She's probably doing some sort of psychological test on us or something." This, of course, annoys Rose to no end. Didn't they just speak in this exact order sometime around ten minutes ago? `_Accidental psychological study number 1103: Apparently people tend to speak in the same order when given two separate prompts just minutes apart._`

  


* * *

  


#### Time until deadline: 15 hours 15 minutes

"And this is the living room." Kankri walks through the door with hardly a care as he gives a tour of the Heir's mansion. Of course, the Heir himself could be more annoyed. After all, Kankri does have his own place to stay now. He has no business giving tours of other gods' homes to millions of people. But that isn't necessarily what's annoying John. Little does Kankri realize, but he's about to get his ass chewed out for some reason or another.

"Now here is the Heir of Breath. Let us see what he's up to." Kankri leads the cameraperson and sound guy over to John on the couch. The Heir tries his best to ignore the nosy seer, but his rage gets the best of him. In one swift motion he uses the air inside the stupid windproof mansion to pin Kankri against the ceiling ten horns above the ground. "I see you have time to give everyone a tour of my house. Is this why you haven't answered my messages?!"

"Uh, what?" Kankri, for the first time ever, is officially frightened. John is using the same trick on him as he did to John, albeit with different forces. The objective of the trick is to immobilize the victim while doing something inside their brain to prevent them from being able to use their powers. Kankri increased the blood pressure inside John's head, and John is causing the air pressure inside Kankri's to increase, slightly lowering the temperature. Kankri forced John's blood a certain way that caused him to be pinned to the wall, and now John is using the wind to pin Kankri against a wall. As it is clearly seen, it's the same basic principle. Mortals are not recommended to try it, though.

"I sent you several messages asking for your help and you never replied back," The Heir scolds Kankri. "Explain that shit!"

"John, you messaged me at a very inappropriate time. What else was I supposed to do?" Kankri whispers to John because he doesn't want anyone at home to know what they're talking about.

"How about reply to the fucking messages?!" John has no idea why they're suddenly whispering.

"But it was in the middle of a press conference—"

"This is more important than a press conference!" The Heir lets Kankri down off the wall, but he keeps the pressure up in the brain. He violently grabs the troll by the collar of his Seer garb and pulls him down to his eye level. John feels more like a highblood troll more than anything at the moment. His teeth feel suddenly like razors and strength suddenly increased tenfold. The rage emanates from his eyes like nuclear radiation. For the first time ever, true fear makes it's home in Kankri's soul. And with one flick of his hand, John can temporarily end Kankri's life right there—as a lesson, of course. And it feels amazing—All that power crammed into one small area of space, roughly equal to a cubic meter. Proven theology, bitch.

#### Time until deadline: 10 hours 0 minutes

Dave, David and Jake should be well on their way home by now. Well, they are, they should just be about a half hour away. So how long do they have left? Four hours. Yeah, that's right. It took David and Jake four horribly awkward hours to find the jail. But why? One word: Jake. The stupid princess had a catheter in or something. Every few minutes they would have to stop for a potty break, and each potty break lasted for twenty freaking minutes. Except for the last one. No, that one lasted for an hour and a freaking half. Who the fuck potties for that long?

Jake, apparently. He potties from his eyes. They are potties full of emotion, especially sadness. They are potties that could have easily been avoided had he and Dirk just had sexy time like usual when Dirk was pissed for no apparent reason instead of Dirk going out to do whatever. Let's face it: Jake is a horrible boyfriend.

Emotions aside, Dave has finally joined the group, as stated in the first paragraph of this particular section of the chapter. When he was picked up from the hospital room that was temporarily acting as a jail cell, David couldn't believe his eyes. His younger iteration looked absolutely pathetic, and it was extremely difficult to hold in his laughter. At the sight of David's out-of-control smirk, Dave frowned, displaying his displeasure with the situation. His platinum blond hair having a royal blue spot on his crown, running down and fading down the front and back highlights his features. Oddly enough, it matches the neck brace and cast on his arm, along with all the signatures the "naughty" (his words) nurses gave him. Yeah, they were all bad girls. Very, very bad girls. Well, all except for that one who he couldn't necessarily tell the sex of, but that's beside the point.

Jake, however, couldn't care less about Thing 1 and Thing 2, and at the several attempts by David to make him and Dave speak to each other, he gave perhaps a slight vocalization, but that was it. Since he found out that everyone knew about Dirk's death sentence, he hasn't felt like talking. So he just sits there, staring out the window at the sun peaking over the trees on the horizon. The sun rises rather late on this version of Earth.

Dave didn't respond much differently to his older iteration's attempts to make conversation. If anything, he wishes more to just die than to have to listen to himself for several more hours. God, these are going to be a long final hours. For everyone in particular.


	48. Chapter 47

#### Time until deadline: 14 hours 30 minutes

“No … no, you can’t be serious,” the Heir lets Kankri go and backs away after nearly thirty-five minutes of talking. “You must be able!” Desperation leaks out from his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I truly am, but I just do not have that power.” Kankri looks down at the Heir with saddened eyes. Yeah, that was some terrifying shit that the Heir pulled. And where did it lead? To this. This is where it led. “That kind of power is reserved to higher classes like Knights, Lords, and Muses.”

“But you can control blood!” The Heir’s voice screams out against his own will. He just can’t believe this. 

“John, just because I can control blood doesn’t mean that I can heal it. Sylphs heal, Knights defend, Lords have total control, and Muses sing its songs. But do you know what Seers do? They see. They see it, and they interpret it. In other words, I’m like the judicial branch of this human political system.” He walks over to the suddenly pathetic Heir and embraces him in a hug, to which the Heir wriggles his way out of. “Let go of me! I don’t need your help now, and it doesn’t seem like I ever did.” 

All around the world, Frogger is blowing up from people constantly ribbitting about the drama between the two gods. It’s gotten to the point where the producers have decided to show the live ribbits on television. Well, some of them, anyway. The gods, they don’t realize this, and nobody plans on telling them. 

The Heir retreats to the couch. Kankri closely follows, sitting beside the Heir when he takes his own seat, somewhat to the Heir’s dismay. “So, what are you doing now,” Kankri asks. 

“I’m trying to come up with a way to break it to everyone that I’m stuck like this forever.”

“Uh, excuse me? You aren’t stuck like anything forever. It’s your mortal incarnation that is stuck the way he is forever. Not _you_.” Kankri scolds the disheartened god. Nevertheless, he sticks by his frienemy and helps him plans this stuff out, which leads us to …

#### Time until deadline: 8 hours 0 minutes

The time is 11:06 am and people all around the Egbert/Crocker/Vantas/Gamzee/Yougettheidea household are finally starting to wake up from a long night and short slumber. The kids/trolls/Dad in the basement have finally fallen asleep, and now lie that way. Until … until something happens.

Adjacent to the living area of the basement and separated by a wall just a little over half of John’s height, is a bar area where Dad likes to keep the drinking alcohol. The cooking alcohol goes in the kitchen and the drinking alcohol goes into the bar. That’s how it’s always been, and Rose has no idea why she hadn’t thought of it sooner. This entire time she could’ve been drunk off her rocker and wouldn’t have cared about anything and she would be happy, but no, she didn’t drink and now she went to sleep rather frustrated. But in the bar, somebody dressed in a large, elegant, black robe is lightly clanging glasses together, careful not to break any of them as he/she gets one down. Now, Dad kind of took the whole “on the rocks” thing kind of seriously, and consequentially the freezer is full of finely sanded and glazed granite cubes that he uses as a replacement for ice. He swears by it, claiming that they remain cold without melting and watering down the beverage. The mysterious stranger in the bar area grabs four of them and puts them in the glass before someone wakes up and sees him, which just so happens to be Rose. Silently she creeps around, waking everyone up and warning them to be silent because of a certain extra person in the room. Everyone watches as the stranger grabs a bottle of Scotch and fills the glass completely full. Apparently this person has no knowledge of alcohol-etiquette whatsoever. You never fill a glass completely full, except for beer. But that’s it. In this universe, anyway, and it annoys Rose. After recapping the bottle, the stranger takes the cup of Scotch literally on the rocks in his/her right hand and turns around to face everyone else. “What? Expecting someone else,” the Heir asks with a smirk on his face before he takes a sip of the Scotch. 

  


The time is 11:06 am and a certain Knight can’t be more annoyed. Perhaps his Heir is just hiding from the camera? Well, he picked a stupid time to do it if so. It always seems like whenever the Knight needs something, the Heir is nowhere to be found. Today must be no different. 

The Knight walks all over the mansion, looking up, down, left and right for his beau, yet the god in blue remains hidden. He thinks about asking the camera crew if they’ve seen the Heir, but quickly decides against it given they were constantly following him around. 

Yes, the time is 11:06 am, but that means nothing. Because he had nothing to do, the Knight didn’t set the alarm, and thus didn’t wake up as early as usual. Now, typically waking up to a home devoid of the Heir wouldn’t necessarily be a big deal, but right now, the Knight of Blood really needs the Heir’s assistance. Okay, this is starting to piss the Knight off. 

After minutes of searching, the Knight decides to try his luck with the one of the sound guys currently and temporarily taking up residence in his mansion, despite vowing not to. Yes, it is the Knight’s mansion, and any attempts that the Heir makes to convince you, the reader, otherwise will end in disaster—particularly for you, the reader, if you believe it. “Have you seen the Heir,” the Knight [somehow] asks one of the sound guys. “No, I haven’t,” the sound guy responds. Well, shit. It appears the Knight will have to ask someone else. Unfortunately, Karkat has always hated people. Well, the personality that has gone into his godhead has. The other side of his personality, however, remains ambiguous.  
And so the Knight decides to pose the same question to his personal cameraman, after several minutes of tracking the bozo down, of course.

Upon being questioned, Bozo (the Knight’s name for him) gives the same answer as did the sound guy, and this really annoys the Knight. So, he offers a rather generous (especially for himself) reward for any helpful info. As anticipated, Bozo spills everything. “I ran into him and Kankri earlier. Kankri said the Heir was thinking of how he is going to tell your mortals that he can’t help them.—” The Knight cuts off the cameraman. He’s heard enough, so he leaves in the general direction of where he expects the Heir to be. “What about my money,” Bozo complains as he struggles to catch up. The sound guy, once he receives the message, scrambles to get caught up as well. This should be interesting, they both think when they leave the mansion and head toward the house that is currently being taken under siege by rabid fans.

  


Back at the house, inside the basement, the Heir tortures—uh … I mean, honors the group he had come to speak to with his presence. John, Rose, and the others are less than pleased, however. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking?” Rose asks.

“You’re one to talk,” the Heir responds quickly. “Next question.” He walks out of the bar area and into the living area with everyone else, much to their displeasure. 

“Okay, what’s up with your wardrobe? Did you accidentally stumble into some sort of goth convention?” Of course, John just can’t keep his mouth shut, even when he’s angry. 

“Well,” the Heir turns to an angle where everyone can clearly see the blue trim and Wind insignia on the front of his robe, “you can’t just wear black without the blue.”

“Selsun Blue,” the Heir is quickly interrupted, to which everyone turns their heads and looks at the culprit with stern frienemish dissatisfaction. “Really, Rose,” John asks. 

“What? You all have never seen the commercials back in our old universe?” Rose asks innocently.

“You still remember that?” The Heir is in disbelief. No one else remembers things that small. Well, no one except for Rose. “Ugh, just—let’s move on. I didn’t come here to argue or fight.” The Heir sits on the floor, Scotch still in hand. “No, I came here instead to apologize. 

“Apologize for what,” John demands, “not helping out?”

“Ironically, yes. Since our unnecessary battle last week, I’ve been looking for a cure for your condition. Unfortunately, the most I’ve gotten out of the idiot First Guardian is ‘you have to establish the cure,’ whatever the fuck that means. And Kankri just decided to drop the bomb on me earlier and tell me that there’s no way in hell that he can help. He, apparently, doesn’t have the power to circulate the cure through your blood, if we even knew of one.” 

Now, going through the minds of Rose and John, are questions pertaining to the Heir’s trustworthiness. Was he actually looking for a cure? Could he just be making all this up just to see their faces when everything falls apart? “Also, the perigee is tonight, rather than later on in the week than previously thought,” the Heir continues. This, of course, brings John to fear and anxiety. By becoming a troll, he felt as though he had lost his humanity. He had been hoping to get it back. Unfortunately, this news doesn’t seem to be in his favor.

Outside the house, the crowd remains thick. The Knight and his cameraman and sound guy land safely toward the back. “Well, this won’t do,” the Knight mutters to himself before using everyone’s blood to part them like the Red Sea. As he and the cameraman and sound guy walk toward the house, a lot of the maniacs in OKBFC try to break free from his bloody grasp to tackle him to the ground in excitement, only to fail. 

The Knight and the other two easily make their way into the house. By now, everyone watching the live show is seeing this, and everyone inside the house scream with excitement. Well, everyone except for Karkat and Rawlings—Karkat for obvious reasons and Rawlings because he honestly has no idea what the fuck is going on. 

Bozo and the sound guy follow the Knight around the house as he looks for anything or anyone resembling the Heir, and preferable the Heir himself. However, none of which is found, so he decides to try the basement, if this house even has one. And it does! :) Score one for the Knight. Before he can open the door, someone decides to sneak up on him with a knife in hand, ready to attack. He gets past Bozo and the sound guy easily, making him observable to the people at home. Everyone else remains quiet in anticipation as to what will happen. Before the mysterious stranger can score a blow, the Knight quickly turns around, grabs the knife out of the perpetrator’s hand and knocks him to the ground. “Thanks for breaking my concentration, fuckass,” the Knight mutters as he turns around to go back to the lock. The Knight throws the knife like a dagger at the perpetrator’s left leg as he begins walking away, only to fall to the ground in rather extreme pain when the knife hits its mark in the stranger’s left calf. “Fuck!” the Knight calls out as he holds his leg in pain. Translucent, red tears begin to streak his face. Everyone else in the house is too dumbstruck to even think of an explanation as to what just happened. When they look down, the stranger who has the knife sticking out of his leg and blood making its way out of the wound lies on the ground, showing no signs of pain whatsoever. The Knight on the other hand is the one rolling around, holding his left leg in the corresponding area that the knife had penetrated on his opponent’s calf. There is no blood and no wound, but serious pain. 

  


A loud yell interrupts the Heir as he tries explaining this crap to the group downstairs. “That sounds like Karkat,” he says. He gets up and goes up the stairs, unlocks the door, and goes into the small hall leading to it. On the floor, the Knight rolls around in his own tears and swears. Next to him, with a knife sticking out of his left calf, is a human that strikingly resembles the Knight in certain areas like the eyes. But that’s about it. One more quick look at the entire scene tells him everything he needs to know. He reaches down, picks Karkat up bridal-style while whispering into his ear, “Don’t even think I’m being nice to you for a second,” and then looks back down at the Knight rolling around on the floor. “I thought you knew better than to cause injury to your mortal.” He then travels back down the stairs, using the wind to shut and seal the door behind him, but not before Rawlings can manage his way past the crown and into the staircase. 

The Heir lays Karkat down off the couch after forcefully removing Dad and Gamzee via indoor wind. “Rose, you can take care of him. Now, where was I?”

“What the fuck happened to him?!” Rose rudely interrupts the Heir. 

“Oh, Karkat decided to stab Karkat and now Karkat is rolling around on the floor upstairs because of the pain he received from stabbing Karkat. It’s no big deal.” And the Heir talks like it isn’t a big deal. However, no one else just understood a word of what he said. “What?” he asks to he befuddled crowd. “Could you, I don’t know, care to elaborate on that statement?” Gamzee asks. Up until this time, none of the people in the room knew he was capable of such sophisticated language as “elaborate.”

“Ugh,” the Heir groans, “godKat stabbed humanKat and humanKat has a knife sticking out of his leg. However, due to a weird trans … nervous-eportation or however godDirk put it, godKat is the one feeling the pain despite humanKat being the one with the wound.” He turns to Rose. “Rose, just treat the damn wound before I change my mind and take him back upstairs!” he demands. What the Heir doesn’t realize is that this particular situation is becoming increasingly awkward for John and Karkat. No one else really knows how to react to the tension between the two. John can’t really keep his eyes off the poor human, whereas Karkat can’t even look at John. Instead, he looks at the floor, safe from any sort of eye contact. Yes, he was reassured by members of his godhead’s fan club that the proposal wasn’t a total rejection, but he still can’t help but feel sad. He really needs a boost of his godhead’s attitude. And to think this whole downward spiral was from a tiny mistake during masochist sexy time—the mark of which rests painfully clear on just above John’s left shoulder. Also, for the past five minutes the Heir has been trying to explain why he can’t help out anymore; however, everyone else seemed too focused on Rose treating Karkat. 

Upstairs, just in front of the door, the Knight of Blood is being recorded rolling around on the floor and crying in pain on live television. A couple tens of miles away in a rather elegant estate, the Page of Hope, of all people, decides to add in his own two cents. “Oh, grow the fuck up, Vantas,” he says to the television. “I thought you were supposed to be this tough troll who can stand anything.” Like the Page has room to talk.

And suddenly the pain intensifies, like isopropyl coming into contact with the invisible wound. He’d rather it be phenol, however. Like he even knows what those two chemicals are. But if he did, he would prefer phenol. Even more suddenly, Rose yanks the knife out of Karkat’s leg, intensifying the pain even more. The Knight bites down on his own teeth so hard a couple of them crack. One splits in half completely, allowing access to the nerves inside his gums. This, of course, brings about even more pain in more places, which makes him bite down more, just not as hard. Members of OKBFC fight their way over to help him, not knowing the he hasn’t even a bruise. On his leg, anyway. What makes the situation even better is that no one in the fan club has any sort of medical or dental experience aside from brushing their own teeth. Hooray!

  


* * *

  


#### Time until deadline: 7 hours 30 minutes

“Um, I think we’re done,” Bequerius says, relieved that this whole ordeal is finally over. Somehow, following step-by-step instructions, he was able to sew Dirk back up. Dirk’s new ear looks like it doesn’t belong on him, though Beq assures him it will in due time. Recovery is still to come. “Okay,” Beq says as he gets down another book, “Let’s see what to do to help you recover.” He flips through the pages. Finally he comes to the correct page—

_To aid in recovery, the patient may want to do a waltz. The waltz, being such an intricate and elegant act, can soothe one’s soul and aid even farther in healing. The actions work the muscles in the legs more than they typically move, and as such can allow for more healing._

Well, that settles it. He and Dirk are going to waltz. Beq takes Dirk by the arms and lifts him up off the makeshift operating table and holds him on his feet. Dirk, however, doesn’t feel like dancing, and is wondering what’s happening and what he did to deserve this. 

Beq turns the radio on, and immediately begins leading a rather limp Dirk around. Well, Dirk isn’t completely limp. His legs are just experiencing a bit of lag. Okay, a lot of lag. “Come on, boy,” Beq says, “the music waits for no one.”

“What are you doing?” Dirk asks weakly. At least he can talk some. 

“What does it look like? I’m helping you to recover,” Beq replies matter-of-factly. 

“By tossing me around?”

“It’s called a waltz.”

“What kind of shit book did you get this out of?”

“That one over there.” Beq nods his head to the table with the medical book on it, open to the recovery page. “It tells you about all this different stuff ranging from surgery how-tos to recovery advice.” Beq gives a nice, little, puppy-dog grin. 

“I don’t think that’s a medical book if it advises to do this to someone you just sewed back together.”

“Don’t be absurd. Of course it is! Now, waltz. It will help.”

“Just look at the damn book title. Maybe then I’ll dance.”

“Fine!” Beq drops Dirk to the floor and moves over to the table with the book. He picks up the book and scans it. He flips it over to the seemingly blank cover, which, by the particular angle it is in, he finally spots the title: The Importance of Dancing. “Hm,” Beq says, somewhat embarrassed, “it isn’t.” Stupid hologram.

A word of advice: No First Guardian is omniscient. Most likely they aren’t even close, as demonstrated by Bequerius. 

  


* * *

  


#### Time until deadline: 5 hours 22 minutes

Well, Jake and the two Dav(e)(id)s have finally made it back home, and just in time to see the crowd gathering ever so larger. The crowd around the Egbert/Whatever-else household has expanded and conquered the surrounding areas, closing in the distance between it and the other kids’ and trolls’ homes. Fortunately, somewhat, the crowd has barely scratched the edge of the Striders’ back yard. Jake and David are awestruck at the sight, but Dave couldn’t care less. After all, he has other things to worry about—things such as looking cool with a powder blue neck brace and genetic—er—blueberry-tinged, platinum blond hair, his entire left arm in a cast, and his right hand in a cast. The sad part is even the doctors said the cast was bleu. They didn’t really say it with a French accent, but more of an amplified Dirk accent. Think about it. 

“What’s happening here,” Jake asks.

“I don’t have a fucking clue, but can someone at least open the damn door,” Dave responds after several failed attempts to get his good hand to turn the knob. He tried everything he could think of. Well, really there was only one thing he could think of: crouch a little to get the hand in place and get as close to the door as possible. It didn’t work because a tight enough grip on the knob made his broken arm hurt. Well, that little shit can wait. He can wait for David and Jake to quit gawking at the growing crowd, wait for Casey to get her lazy ass off the couch and open the door, wait for anyone to help him. Who would’ve thought having a broken arm, broken hand, and broken neck would render someone so helpless? Certainly not Dave. In fact, despite all this, he’s still trying to act cool. Sorry, Strider, but that boat done sailed away when you decided to dip your head in John’s troll semen. Now would also be the time that the reader realizes that Dave has unwittingly accomplished what he’s always wanted. Sort of.  
Finally Jake opens the door. However, he nearly closes it in Dave’s face. Well, he does. Dave’s face happens to be the one thing that keeps the door open. Once inside the house, Dave goes to the bathroom to take a shower, but not before Bro takes a moment to pull him aside and cover his casts in plastic like an overbearing mother. The shower is much needed, and much enjoyed. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chemistry talk: 1. Isopropyl = Rubbing Alcohol.  
> 2\. Phenol = a type of alcohol that numbs things. It is commonly found in Chloraseptic spray, which is used for sore throats, or as I do, canker sores. 
> 
> Happy New Year, everyone!


	49. Chapter 48: Collision

#### Time until deadline: **5 HOURS**

The moons in the afternoon sky appear to be nigh spooning as the brighter and original one in its waning crescent phase visibly approaches the younger and slightly less luminescent satellite. A rather large arctic air mass has suddenly pushed its way into the Lolar City area. The temperature has gone down to nigh subzero, and the tops of the lakes and rivers in the area have quickly gone frore. This incredibly odd weather pattern has forced the extremely large crowd to quickly dissociate into each individual’s home in search of the ever-so-pleasant warmth. 

“There, that should do it.” the satisfied Heir states when the noise upstairs finally quiets down. “Though, I don’t understand why everyone left. This house does have heating, right?” Dad only nods in response. He doesn’t much like the Heir—mainly because the Heir claims to be a “god,” which goes against the “one true God” of this universe. Therefore, Dad refuses to speak. 

The time is 2:06 pm, and the Knight upstairs has long since fallen unconscious. And realizing that he was completely insane, no one was actually sure of what to do, so they just watched. And then hell suddenly became frore and they felt obliged to buy out every grocery store in the history of ever in order to survive. Unfortunately, since godKat is, well, a god, the members of his official fan club figured he’ll survive anyway. Therefore they left him lying helplessly unconscious on the floor of the Egbert/Whatever else household. Some fan club, huh?

The locks on the basement door click, and the door opens slightly as if to make sure nothing and no one on the other side of it would be able to rush in. When it is deemed safe, the Heir is the first one out of the basement. He is followed by John (by the Heir’s own request), who is followed by Kanaya, then Jane, Gamzee, Rawlings, Dad, a sickly-looking Meenah, and finally Rose, who is helping a stubborn Karkat, who would much rather walk, and stay downstairs than be carried and on the same level as John. “So, the First Guardian said to establish a cure before the deadline, correct,” Rose asks when they all get situated in the trashed living room. 

“Yes, but the bitch wouldn’t tell me what that cure would be.”

“Well,” Rose goes deep in thought. “The word ‘establish’ has a few meanings. If the First Guardian just said to establish a cure, then he could mean to found a cure. But that makes no sense … — ”

“Okay, so what does that mean,” Dad asks irritably. 

“Well, if Rose is correct, it would mean that we have to just make one up on the spot.” the Heir replies. Dad, of course, goes into selective hearing mode and ignores him. “Good luck with that,” Karkat cynically states. It’s the first time any of them has actually somewhat truly heard is human voice. Until now it has just been rather raspy and sounding like he gargled rusty screws. Now it sounds about as smooth at it will ever get, and it is actually somewhat more pleasant than his troll voice. The exact opposite would apply to John. If you, the reader, had thought John’s voice was wonderful as a human, listening to both him and the Heir talk would make you think that his voice sounds absolutely heavenly as a troll. The pubic growl put in his voice during the game has faded away into a smooth-as-glass ocean of pure sound. “While you all are trying to figure this out,” troll!John begins, “I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower or something. I haven’t had a proper one in how long.”

“This morning if you count myself as you,” the Heir says blatantly as he watches John begin up the steps. “I do believe that was one of the main points of our unnecessary argument last week.” And just like that, John disappears into the bathroom. “Of course. No one ever listens to God.”

The Heir turns his attention to Karkat. “Okay, allow me to clear this up: I did not carry you away from the crowd because I care about you. I did it solely out of pity.”

“I don’t need your you-damned pity.” Karkat quickly retaliates. “I would have been just fine bleeding to death.”

“It didn’t stain the floor did it?” Dad _clearly_ isn’t asking the Heir. No, he’s asking Rose, who refuses to check. (He’s actually asking anyone who’s willing to answer.) When an answer is not given, he gets up to go check himself. Dark, red blood covers a moderately sized area of the tile floor. Taking a second to study the unconscious creature on the floor, Dad notices something he hadn’t before—trolls don’t really look all that different from people. Yes, it is common sense that the two creatures appear nearly identical, but Dad never actually realized the uncanny appearance, not just in looks, but form, shape, body proportions, everything. They disgust him. They think that they can just be people when they clearly aren’t. Humans rule the world, and trolls are just a toxic byproduct of God’s righteous creation. As such, trolls could never be considered people by any standards. “Uh, you do realize you’re saying all that out loud, right,” Meenah shouts and interrupts Dad’s train of thought. As a matter of fact, he did (not) realize that. He looks back into the living room, where the three trolls present stare at him with looks of discontent. Karkat, though not necessarily a troll at the current moment, is still very much a troll at heart. That stated, “We may be toxic byproducts, but that only allows us to poison all those vile ‘people’ like you.” obviously said with enmity. Dad sighs and walks into the kitchen. The bloody tile and trashed living room isn’t the only damage done. All the contents of the fridge have been rearranged, all the cooking alcohol has been drunk, someone forgot how to throw up in something with a drain, people forgot how to clean up after themselves … In other words, the entire house appears as if a tornado ripped through the place. It will be fun trying to find dishes for supper when that time comes around … that is, if there are any dishes left not in pieces on the floor. But right now, Dad is only concerned with cleaning up. He reaches underneath the sink for a large container that is morbidly resemblant of what the trolls in the room would call a sex toy. When he finds it, he fills it up with cleaner and water and grabs a mop out of the seemingly untouched closet. The only room, aside from the entirety of the basement, that seems to have gone unaffected by the earlier invasion. Dad starts cleaning by mopping up the blood off the floor next to the unconscious god. Some of the water splashes on the flamboyant, fully realized knight garb. Talk about watersports. 

“You, human, are a sick bastard,” Karkat states from his seat. “Despite my eternal hatred for that unconscious creature, it is still my body, and you are still violating it.” Dad ignores Karkat’s words and continues cleaning. The next thing he mops up is the puddle of vomit. He then dumps out the water and fills the bucket with clean cleaner water, which he uses on the rest of the floors, with a different mop, of course.

#### Time until deadline: 4 hours 15 minutes

Warm water forces John’s muscles into relaxation. He periodically refreshes the water in the tub once it goes too cold. He really doesn’t feel like dealing with anyone right now. He would much rather wallow away in his own sorrow than interact with people right now. Therefore he remains in the tub. It’s time to refresh the water once more. 

  


Everyone in the Strider/Pyrope household is forced to clean up the yard. Everyone happens to include Dave. The underlying problem here is that Dave, considering his situation, happens to be rather inept at his duty, which is picking up trash. That’s correct. Bro is making the little shit pick up nasty trash out of the yard because, “Striders don’t let minor aches get in the way of things like yard work.” On top of that, stupid Bro let stupid David hold the garbage bag open for everyone. Yes, one garbage bag for everyone. Instead of each person having their own to haul around, they have to pick something up and carry it all the way across the yard from where they are to David sitting on the ground with the garbage bag. Right now, Dave is not doing to hot with his task. Compared to everyone else, he has picked up exactly nothing. The shower he took not much less than two hours ago, was not enjoyed at all. Remember Bro being an overbearing mother? Yeah, that kind of continued once he realized Dave had a cast on both upper appendages. Fearing that his little baby wouldn’t be able to scrub himself, Bro broke into the bathroom after the door had been poorly locked and did it himself. All of it. Not one square inch of Dave’s body was left unclean. Well, not one square inch except for the square inches that were covered in plastic. Never in his life had Dave ever felt so violated. It was like all the Stridercest godly smutfictions he’d heard about at school, and then for some reason decided to read one for himself. Except this time he … didn’t … enjoy … it. … Yeah, he is rather ashamed about that. 

Casey is your typical daddy’s girl. She always tries to be as cute as possible, and she always does what daddy tells her to. Not in that sense, however. I know—you’re disappointed. Shut up. And several years ago daddy told her to do whatever the Striders say because they are relatives (Not really relatives, but she doesn’t know that). But today, she just can’t take it anymore. She works her way over to Dave. 

“Hey,” Casey whispers, “I was thinking about ditching this place and heading home. Wanna come with?”

“Hell. Fucking. Yes.” Dave responds. Has he no memory of what he texted Rose while in the hospital? Not really, no. The only sign that Rose might be pissed is that she left him at the mercy of their biology teacher. Ms. Paint always was the sweetest woman, but everyone with one last dying neuron could see that she was a psychotic bitch. “But how are we going to sneak past those two?”

“Casey, you aren’t helping him, are you?” Bro interrupts their conspiracy.

“No, why would I do that to such a pathetic piece of shit like him?” Casey plays it cool, just like a true strider. Or Vantas. More like a combination of the two, actually. Even with a fresh pair of shades on, Dave clearly gives her a look of disapproval. ಠ_ಠ 

“As much as I like that response, you’re eleven and shouldn’t be using that kind of language.” David tells her. 

“I’m ten, retards.” Okay, now she has gone full Vantas. Someone should’ve taught her to never go full Vantas. 

“Casey, that’s just being disrespectful now. You should probably sto—”

“What’re ya gonna do ‘bout it, bitch?” And just like that, Casey is in high school. It’s like she can just start her own personal clique just like that. And she has the sassiness of a—well, you get the idea. Either way …

“Go inside and go to your makeshift room, now.” Bro orders. “I’ll figure out what to do with you later.”

“Alright, I don’t have to stay out here. Later, losers.” And with that, Casey walks inside and back outside. To be quite honest, she hadn’t expected things to work this perfectly. When Dave had asked her about a plan, he honestly had no idea what to do. It was just a pure coincidence that one of the elder Striders were to happen to notice their conversation. It also appears that no one thought about the front door. As for Dave, he might have caught on. If only he can be that sneaky. “Uh, Bro, I have to piss.”

“There’s a tree right next to you. Or, you know, you could just flip it out right there. It’s not like any of us have never seen your naughty parts before. I just did, David is an older version of you, and I’m pretty sure Terezi has snuck a peek here and there.”

“Bro, seriously, I need to take a fucking piss!” Little Davey is getting irritable again. Realizing this, Bro pinches that little bridge between his eyes, whatever it’s called, raising his shades some. “No. You will either do your business there, or you will hold it until this yard is clean.”

“But you let Casey inside!” Dave complains.

“She was also being disrespectful.” And just like that, Dave proceeds to use every colorful English word in existence. “Well, you see, Dave, the thing is, Casey is eleven—“

“Ten,” David corrects Bro.”

“Ten, whatever. Anyway, she is barely a preteen, she’s a fucking lady, and she is innocent and supposedly sweet. She has no place to use that language. It is actually expected out of you, considering you are a Strider. So doing that isn’t going to work.”

Once again, Dave gives a look of disapproval. ಠ_ಠ

#### Time until deadline: **3 HOURS**

Okay, so … perhaps Casey is lost. Not even a mile away from her house, and she is hopelessly lost. Walking should’ve only taken ~20 minutes, but no. It’s been an entire freaking hour. She sits on the side of the road. The trees cast a small shadow on her with sun still rather high up in the sky. 

Out of boredom she decides to study the ring on her finger—the one that Karkat gave her. It is certainly an odd little ring, well, she wouldn’t necessarily call it little. After all, it did seem to fit Karkat perfectly, and his fingers are at least twice as big as hers, yet the ring still fits her perfectly. It seemed like the firths thing that happened when she slipped it on was shrink up to fit. It was weird. Other than that, it is just a plain, gold ring. 

Something possesses the girl to look up. She doesn’t know what, and neither does the author. But she looks up for no apparent reason, and through the budding trees she spots home. She literally sees her house from where she’s at. It is, at most, three hundred feet away. Hey, she’s a girl. That kind of explains a lot sometimes. The other few times would be that her “daddy” has been raising her since he was thirteen (she thinks seven). And the worst part about that is that nobody has seemed to notice something odd about that. 

Anyway, Casey sprints up to the front door, which is hanging by the top hinge. She slowly opens it as to not break the last hinge and walks in on, you guessed it, housework. Dad has gotten some of the group to help clean house while they all speculate as to how they’re going to finally approach the weretroll problem. But that’s not the first thing she notices. The first thing she happens to notice are two gods, more specifically, the two gods that rescued her and her fellow band campers from the wild trolls that happened to take on the likeness of the two gods. One of them, for some reason, is unconscious. Well, partially unconscious. He does appear to be trying so desperately to come out of it. The other one sits between him and Karkat, the latter of which holds a scowl on his face for having to be in such close proximity to his two least-favorite gods. 

Upon seeing the two gods, Casey can barely hold in her excitement. These, as previously stated, are the ones who made a personal appearance to save her and her fellow band campers. She has since been forever grateful. So, instead of doing what any normal person would do, she does what any normal superfan would do and dashes up to them and pretty much attacks them with joy, all the while doing a pretty damn good impression of a seizure victim. This, of course, causes the Heir to freak the fuck out. The more or less unconscious Knight, as of late, couldn’t give two shits. Particularly because he doesn’t even know anything’s happening. Karkat isn’t very much pleased at all. “Casey, you are going to need to bathe in acid to sterilize yourself after that kind of exposure,” he states dully. 

“You’re just jealous,” the Heir retaliates. “Has daddy’s grumpy boyfriend not gotten sufficient attention lately?”

“I swear to whatever higher being than us that exists that as soon as I’m a troll again I will rip your fucking spine out and use it as your noose.”

“Hm, I thought you were going to say something along the lines of autoerotic asphyxiation.”

“You’re disgusting.” Okay, for some reason, Casey has started an argument. She has no idea what to say about this, nor does she have any idea how to stop it. However, it seems to be over already, with only four lines exchanged back and forth. 

Minutes later, Meenah exits the hallway, looking more like a trollian mummy than anything else. You would think that the first thing she would do is find an empty spot to plant her ass, but no. The first thing she does is spot Casey, some random, weird, clingy thing that seems to take a liking to the Heir, much to Karkat’s apparent dismay. And that wouldn’t be the only thing wrong with the picture. “Uh, tiny human thing,” Meenah says weakly as she stumbles over to the four creatures on the couch, “there seems to be something on your finger that belongs to me … ” Meenah takes a deep breath as she nearly collapses in front of the couch, supported only by her arm holding her entire upper body weight on the Heir’s knee. This display really creeps Casey out. Yes, she has known several trolls for however long now—albeit unwittingly until just recently, but you’d think she’d be used to it by now, but no. Poor Casey is still in that “getting comfortable” stage. 

“What the hell are you talking about?!” The Heir and humanKat both look at Casey in surprise for reasons unknown. They are both well fucking aware that they had far worse mouths when they were ten years old. The only reason Casey actually swore like that was because the chances of Grandpa Dad hearing her were slim to none, considering the radio has been turned up to its loudest effing volume. 

Without answering, Meenah uses whatever strength she can manage to grab Casey’s hand and pull the ring off. Unfortunately they both fall on the floor. After a bunch of rolling around and screaming and fighting for the ring that daddy’s grumpy boyfriend Karkat gave Casey, Meenah finally gets it and slips it onto her finger. Almost immediately she can feel the drained life returning to her very soul. Her irises and pupils become visible for the first time in however long it’s been since she died. Okay, maybe not all the life, but most of it, anyway. She’s still pretty weak. 

“Oh, hey. It seems you’re feeling better, troll girl. Now get back to cleaning.” Dad says as he walks out of the hallway. “And Casey, if I hear anything like that again I’ll make you eat a bar of soap. 

“Go clean, yourself,” Meenah poorly retaliates. Dad doesn’t seem to care as he goes back to work.

#### Time until deadline: **2 HOURS**

John has finally found his way out of the bathroom sometime around a half hour ago, but now he’s locked himself in his room. Upon hearing the cleaning downstairs he turned the bathroom light back on and shut the door, locking himself back in his room afterward. The time is 5:06 pm. Everyone is none the wiser to John being out of the bathroom, or so he thinks. Casey had just been walking past the stairs when she saw a gray foot move into the room on the left upstairs. Her curiosity had been piqued, and she went upstairs to see if she could spot the owner of said foot. So she walked upstairs, tried opening the locked door, and almost gave up. Almost. And that would be how the current situation came to be. 

“Are you actually a god?!” Casey asks in excitement. Her voice, however, contains a little bit of disappointment. She was really hoping that daddy was a human again. 

“No, but that thing downstairs is,” John doesn’t really try to hide the annoyance in his voice. He sits in a small rocking chair biting his thumb. Thanks to the thickened skin, however, his needle-like fang doesn’t penetrate it. Now, why is John annoyed? Perhaps it is because Casey is being a pest. He was just trying to get away from everyone and the girl decided to intrude. That’s all. There aren’t any hard feelings or anything, it’s just that John wants some time alone. Is that really too much to ask?

“You know, it’s really cold outside,” a familiar voice says as the owner walks out of the hallway. Everyone in the living room stares in surprise at the bipedal creature that hasn’t been heard from for a shit ton of chapters. He walks over to the radio and turns it down. “You people do realize that troll hearing is very sensitive, right?”

“I had no problem with it,” Karkat says. 

“Well you don’t have a problem with hearing the voices of the imminently deceased either.” 

“How the hell did you even get in here?!” the Heir asks. 

“I climbed through the window. What the hell happened in here?”

“Better yet what window and how did you open it?” Karkat asks. 

“I don’t know, I think it was Jane’s window? You know, you should really ditch the human look. It just doesn’t look right.” Typical Sollux, always finding a way to insult Karkat while keeping away from the main argument. “Now, if you were being a real friend, you would have asked me where the hell I went, to which I would answer that, given my new sight, I decided to go exploring to see where we live and all that shit.” 

  


At casa de la Strider, the realization that Casey doesn't normally speak that way - toward anyone - is finally kicking in. This can mean one of only two things. Bro runs through the house not once, but two times, and sure enough a soon-to-be eleven-year-old is an evil genius. "Dave! Get your ass over here!" Bro's yelling can be heard all the way outside. 

"What?" Dave sourly asks when he finally gets in the house. 

"Go tell Jake to find Casey and bring her back over here." Dave's jaw drops to the ground. "What - Why don't you have me go look for her?! I'm sure I'll be much more useful doing that."

"Are you kidding? With a broken hand and broken arm you'll be as good as a sack of air. She'd break free in five seconds." Dave’s face situates itself into a look of unamusement. What he doesn’t realize is that Bro suspects him and Casey of conspiring, considering they were caught talking to each other just before Casey disappeared. Dave is starting to think that Bro likes to jerk it at his pain. And that isn’t really all that far from the truth … according to a couple of the smutfictions he’s read. 

“I’ll show you I can do it. Watch me.” With that Dave storms out of the house. 

“Dave, get back here!” Bro shouts. Sometimes Dave can be stubborn. Bro knows that any verbal attempts at getting Dave to come back are futile, and he doesn’t feel like chasing after him. So he decides to send Jake after him, to which Jake somewhat happily goes. Neither he nor Dave has any plans of returning tonight. 

Several minutes down the road, a car comes up behind the two boys and stops. A window is rolled down, revealing another boy sitting in the back seat with a small girl, perhaps seven years old at most. Given the boy’s ill appearance, it takes a couple seconds for the other two to recognize him. Jake is the first to react, with somewhat bitter excitement. The boy in question happens to be Dirk, who has managed to escape from Beq Manor and is on his way to that one household that is being cleaned at the current moment. Neither Strider has any knowledge as to what exactly happened to the other. They both look like shit, and the seven year old is even more excited to meet two more mortals. She happily scoots to make room for Dave and Jake, and the four people barely fit, which causes some pain for Dave, and a little bit for Dirk, and it’s difficult to tell which one is feeling more discomfort because of their injuries. From passenger side to driver side, the figuration goes as such: girl, Dirk, Jake, Dave. 

“I take it you’re all going to the same place?” The driver, who happens to be the girl’s father, asks. 

“For simplicity’s sake, yes,” Dirk says, and the driver heads down the road, careful to follow the directions given to him by Dirk. 

“I don’t think this is your week,” Jake says to Dave and Dirk, who both look at him with that “Really?” look. Other than that, that is the only sound made the entire ride, other than the girl asking question after question without allowing either of the three boys to answer. Within minutes they arrive at the prescribed address. This happens to be the home of a certain troll that Dirk still needs to attend to. The girl, realizing what this place is from the news and the live reality show that is currently happening, insists on going inside to meet some of the others. Her father tells her over and over that they have other things to do, but she refuses, and Jake finally convinces him to allow her a few minutes. 

`_Well, shit._` This is Dirk’s semi-exacerbated thought upon seeing two gods sitting on the couch, refusing to clean up. The Knight has awoken just a few minutes before. The girl can barely contain her excitement.

Looking around the room, Dave can’t help but notice Casey’s absence. “Where’s Casey?” he asks. 

“I don’t know, she went upstairs a while ago,” Meenah replies. She has yet to get her lazy ass off the floor. Dave decides to sit on the love seat, away from the gods. He and Jake watch the girl nearly die of excitement as she tackles the two gods on the couch in front of him. This is also the time when Karkat decides to move … with a little help from Meenah, of course. That stabbing did a number on his leg. It really does hurt – especially to walk. 

Throughout the entire ordeal, the cameraman and sound guy never stopped recording. They decide to follow Dirk around the house, but not before catching a shot of the Knight’s rather disappointed face. So far, no one has guessed who it is pointed toward.

#### Time until deadline: **1 HOUR**

“Are you finally finished?” John asks when Casey seemingly concludes her story. The tip of his thumb has become somewhat raw from his teeth and fang sliding across the thick skin. Nevertheless he continues to chew on it, wincing slightly as his teeth come in contact with the spot. He has long since changed into more comfortable clothes than a towel, despite his ten-year-old daughter in the room with him. And it isn’t weird because she’s seen him naked before. She too, has had the misfortune of walking in on him and Karkat during sexy time. She wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, and John definitely isn’t looking forward for the sex talk in a few years, because then she’ll know exactly what was happening. Come to think of it, those moans Casey heard the other day coming from this exact room are the same ones she heard when she walked in on them during their horizontal dancing session. She still doesn’t understand why they were naked and had different parts “down there.” 

Somehow Casey convinces John to come out of the bedroom. The two of them walk downstairs where everyone else is sitting down to eat. Terezi has managed to sneak away from the Strider household as well, and everyone from that particular place is beginning to wonder why Bro and Other Bro haven’t yet come looking for them, unless …

“Oh my fucking god!” Dave shouts when that particular thought pops into his head. 

“What the hell is your deal?” Terezi asks. “Ever since Bro gave you that sponge bath earlier you’ve been acting weird.” Dave doesn’t respond. 

After dinner, the girl finally decides that since she’s met everyone, she’s satisfied. So she finally goes with her dad. The time is now 7:00 pm, and on the radio, the DJ announces the imminent perigee.

#### Time until deadline: 

**5 MINUTES**

The DJ plays yet another song. This time the mood has changed. Instead of the usual upbeat songs, this one is darker. It starts off sounding like gibberish – certainly no language any member of this world has ever heard before, but it soon changes to a more recognizable language. By the sound of the first line, it almost sounds like a message to John. Perhaps it is coincidental? No, if there’s anything anyone has learned from past experiences it’s that inevitability reigns supreme. This was no coincidence. The song’s mood reflects perfectly that of the creatures in the room, and for this reason they all sit in silent admiration. Perhaps it’s just John’s attitude that made it this way just after the girl and her father left. 

The song tears its way through John’s soul. The chorus matches perfectly with his own current emotions. He knows this is the last five minutes that he could ever have any hope of becoming human once more. Within the next couple of minutes he will become forever a troll. All humanity in him, lost for eternity. Humankind, one more member toward extinction. 

The Heir has at least made the evening warm and the sky clear. The two moons grow closer. Millions of people across the country grab their telescopes in hopes of having a front row seat to the main event. 

It takes all she can manage not to cringe, but Casey hugs John. She is still somewhat frightened, and John can feel this in her hug, and that only makes this time worse. 

One minute. One minute left. Not even that now. Dad, not even caring about John’s emotions, watches as the two moons’ gravity quickly pull one toward the other and vice-versa. Thirty seconds remain. Kanaya goes over and rubs circles on John’s back. She’s never had to go through this – John’s the only one – but she can only imagine, as can everyone else. 

Exactly five minutes in, the mood of the song climaxes and falls, creating a very dolent atmosphere as the two moods collide and slowly transform into a debris field that begins to stretch into a ring around the earth. No one alive has ever seen such a sight before, and the consequences are unknown. 

Upon the bilunar collision, Karkat feels an intense pain all around his body. Two spots on the top of his head begin to bleed bright red blood as dull horns pop out of his skull. His human fingernails thicken and gain a yellow tinge. His teeth grind themselves sharp. His human male genital region inverts itself and grows, becoming the trollian equivalent of a uterus, and his bulges grow back. Along with all this, his internal organs move back into their original setting, his heart moves back, his trachea and esophagus switch places, and his heart moves more toward the center. The reversion process is overall much more painful that the original transformation. John can only wish he could go comfort the troll without it being awkward, but Karkat would probably just push him away, so he leaves Gamzee and a few others to it.

Several minutes pass by. Once everyone else has gone back inside, John looks up from his position on the deck toward the sky. Tiny fragments of the moon are visible, but the bulk of the new forming ring system appears solid, almost like the rings of Saturn in Earth’s original universe, or like several other planets in this current solar system. The moons, he realizes, are representative of his own subconscious. The bilunar system is gone, just like his humanity. He lets out a deep breath and slowly heads inside.

  


On this day, Monday, April 14th, Jonathan Egbert has gone from hopeful human, to irreversible troll. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song there at the end is Blue Eyes by Within Temptation. I found it to go along rather nicely with the mood.  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ4pT5Wwxks


	50. Chapter 49: Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple months after John becomes a permanent troll, he surprises Karkat in a way that will change their lives forever.

#### One month later

The shattered remnants of the two moons have finally formed a ring around the earth. For the past month, whenever John needed a nice, peaceful moment to himself (which was all too often) he would step outside, where the partial ring was typically visible for several hours after dark. It was beautiful and fun to watch. Also for the past month, the entire Egbert/Whoever Else household was rather stressed out due to the constant supply of visitors. Dad finally had Rawlings put his "good" hands to good use and make a sign telling everyone to back the fuck off the property. It didn't work. Damn Heir.

John has also been trying to rekindle his romance with a certain troll, but because of all the visitors, no time was available for any rekindling, so the two remain separated but somewhat emotionally attached to one another.

Unbeknown to a few different people, three in particular have been conspiring this past month about a plan that John had originally come up with a couple weeks prior to his own transformation, which may or may not have been mentioned in a prior chapter (The author is a little too lazy to read back and check).

  


In June, the big day comes. Actually, this day happens to be June 12th. The day is rather uneventful. The most excitement experienced is a fancy microwave dinner that a desolate Karkat had prepared for himself. By this time, everyone else [save Dad (and Casey)] knows about the plan, which is soon to be put into action.

The time is 11:45 pm on this, Thursday the twelfth of June, and a certain, new troll is about to make his move. Fortunately the desolate cancer has not yet gone to bed. Either way, this moment would have happened now.

As John stealthily slides onto the couch next to his once-apparent soul mate, he slips a small, black, felt baggie-thing onto the end table next to Karkat, or he tries to, anyway. He silently and mentally scolds himself when the baggie-thing slides off the edge of the table due to John's poor hand-space coordination and lands on the floor. Karkat didn't even notice. No, he was too busy watching the ongoing parade and extensive birthday party for the Knight of Blood, all the while pretending he's the Knight of Blood and not the Knight of Blood's pathetic mortal. It makes him even more depressed, and he can't stop himself. And everyone else thinks that they themselves are masochists to some extent.

To distract Karkat from the felt baggie-thing while he sets – er, drops it, John immediately begins speaking once he sits down. Karkat's attention is barely fazed. "Sooooo, whatcha watchin'?"

"A celebration for my birthday that isn't even mine," Karkat states flatly. He doesn't even take his eyes off the television.

"Is it interesting?"

"Not really."

"Are you at least a little uncomfortable about me being up against you like this?" John is leaning up against Karkat in an annoying manner while asking these questions. It was the only way he could reach his arm back around Karkat to get the baggie-thing to the end table – er, floor.

"I am extremely uncomfortable. I just don't feel like wasting what little energy I obtained through microwavable rice on pushing you off because more likely than not, you'll just come back and lean up even more against me."

"That hurts, Karkat."

"So? If it gets you off of me, then I would call it successful." At this time, John decides to move so that he can lay his head down on Karkat's lap, more specifically, his crotch. And that he does. This time, the troll's attention is gained, albeit rather surprised and somewhat disgusted, but still.

"What if I wanted to say hi?"

"Then hello." Karkat speaks with a little anger this time. "Now you can get lost."

"Aw, what's wrong? Certainly I'm not deserving of your wrath." John puts on an innocent face.

"I have no wrath left in me. That dissipated today." Karkat turns his eyes back to the television.

"Why? What's wrong?"

Karkat doesn't respond for a few seconds, which feels like an eternity considering that John wants to get this done and over with before midnight. He planned this all out specifically for these final moments, which is why he conspired with everyone. "Look at the TV," Karkat orders. "See all that confetti and shit?"

" … Yeah? What about it?"

"All that is for me … well, it's for my fucking godhead. After the moons collided and stuff, all the attention surrounding me faded and died. Now it's like I never even existed in the first place, and none of those people there are giving a second thought to me. It's not just the Knight's birthday, it's the birthday of all his incarnations. Myself included. It would've been nice to have even one little slip of confetti paper dedicated to me, but no. All of it is for the Knight, and I'm stuck here watching it while being damned to eating microwavable rice and imagining I'm the center of attention—" Karkat cuts himself off while he makes an attempt at holding back his silent-until-now tears. Unbeknown to him, Karkat's miserable day can mostly be attributed to John, considering he's the one that conspired with everyone else. Just for this moment. He hadn't realized how bad Karkat was feeling. "I mean … even a simple 'Happy birthday, you ugly piece of hoofbeast shit' would've been nice. But no— … No one has even said a single word to me today." John watches silently as a red-tinged tear slides out of Karkat's right eye.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm here now." He gives Karkat a slight, cautious grin, to which Karkat is probably the opposite of amused. Just as Karkat dries a tear out of his left eye, He notices something on the floor in the shade of the table. He reaches down and picks up the object, which happens to be the little, black, felt baggie-thing, and it has something inside of it. Karkat flips the baggie-thing over to look at the contents. "Oh, I was wondering what happened to this." Upon this being said, John has a happy, little moment of silent celebration in his mind, until … "Gamzee has to return it. He's the only one who knows where he got it." If John's facial expression hadn't visibly changed, then anyone and everyone who was watching it must've been blind. His face immediately gets a look of unamusement, his eyes say it all, and his mouth hangs slightly open—enough to show his razor-sharp buckteeth. This was not part of the plan. It looks like he'll have to go to Plan Alpha-Zeta-Nine – otherwise known as Plan B. Why he chose Alpha-Zeta-Nine as the plan name is beyond anyone else's reason. So, what would this mystical, creatively named plan be?

"Sooooo, is there anything you were wanting to ask me, Karkat?" John /slightly/ moves his head – enough so that Karkat couldn't possibly have not noticed.

"Not really, no. I was just wondering why you're still here." Once again, John's face develops a look of unamusement.

"Okay, is there any almost-two-month-old question that you were wanting to ask? Or possibly re-ask?"

"Like what?" Okay, this is actually starting to annoy John some. His face feels permanently twisted into that look of unamusement. Kanaya and Rose listen quietly in the Hallway just around the corner so that they go unnoticed. John isn't even aware of their presence. The two exchange annoyed glances. Karkat can't possibly be this dense. Both of them want to rush out of the closet and literally knock some sense back into the desolate troll.

This needs to speed up a little bit. There are only a couple minutes left until midnight. John reaches up and grabs Karkat's hand. More specifically, he grabs the hand holding the ring. He also lifts his head up off Karkat's crotch and position's his mouth next to Karkat's ear. "Are you sure that there isn't something you want to ask? After all, I don't believe I gave you an absolute, definitive answer the first time around."

"What are you – oh." Karkat becomes rather annoyed now. "No, I do believe you gave me an 'absolute, definitive answer the first time around. I do believe that answer was, 'Hell-to-the-fucking-no. You're too young Karkat.'"

"Okay, I didn't say it like that, but I just didn't want to look like a pervert. After all, you still weren't legal age. But now you are." John gives a small, hopeful smile in that Karkat would understand.

"John, if you didn't want to look like a fucking pervert, then you would've been going out with someone your fucking age, and not someone who was TWO GRUBFUCKING MONTHS younger than you." Okay, so perhaps "grubfucking" was a rather ironic word, and there was probably a better word to use in that position.

"Well, if your offer still stands, I would be happy to accept it now, though," John whispers in Karkat's ear. Rose and Kanaya strain to hear, but alas, they can't. The were actually somewhat shocked at Karkat's outburst though.

"Well too fucking ba—" Karkat is cut off by John's mouth. He remains cut off for about thirty seconds. "It might still be open," he says after he is finished being cut off by John's tongue. By tongue I mean mouth. No, I really mean tongue. A lot of it. A smile forces itself onto John's face, and he grabs a remote and turns the television off. He then gets up, grab Karkat's right wrist, and drags him up to /their/ bedroom and locks the door behind them. They never even realized Rose and Kanaya's presence, and Rose and Kanaya are now wondering why they're still there when they know exactly what's probably happening in that bedroom at this very moment.

Up in John and Karkat's room the two trolls are getting freaky, and this time, unbeknown to them, it will change their lives forever.

Back downstairs, somewhat confused as to how that situation rose against the force of gravity with such increasing velocity, Kanaya cannot help but ask, "So, what just happened?" To which Rose only shrugs her shoulders in equal confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I actually posted this chapter on Fanfiction.net a couple weeks ago and completely forgot to put it here. So ... yeah. I apologize.


	51. Chapter 50: Something to be nervous about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding out about a little problem of Karkat's, John looks to Rose and Kanaya for help, but finds out something that he would never have imagined could happen.

Karkat groans in agony as Gamzee takes the thermometer out of his mouth. "Three-eleven point eight Kelvin – perfectly normal," the taller troll states as he reads the temperature.

"Well, I don't feel normal," Karkat weakly retaliates. For the past three weeks he's been feeling like absolute crap in the mornings. Fortunately John doesn't usually get up very early during summer vacation, so by the time John has the opportunity to see Karkat in the daylight, he's already over whatever the hell is wrong with his stomach. The weirdest part about it though is that his vomit is a royal blue color and carries the aftertaste of blueberries. Well, it did while he still vomited. After it was all out of his system and he learned not to eat anything until at least eleven o'clock he just started dry heaving. It absolutely disgusts Dad; watching that troll act like he's about to barf all over the place all the time. He's had it up to infinity and beyond with trolls. All of them. Okay, he has grown somewhat of a tolerance to John, but that's it. Currently only Karkat, Dad, and Gamzee know about the morning sickness.

Until now, that is. Kankri decides to pop in for a surprise visit. He does that annoying knock that he's been doing circa his arrival in this universe, and it annoys the hell out of everyone so much that they have no choice but to let him in. Being annoying can be both a gift and a curse.

Once Kankri sees his dancestor lying hopelessly sick, he goes into protective mother birdie mode. He shoos Gamzee away and prepares everything from cluckbird soup to a nice, freezing, 255.4Kelvin ice bath to get rid of a fever that isn't even there. He somehow accomplishes this within the time span of about an hour. By the time the soup is done and Karkat is taken out of the ice bath, John is awake and downstairs, wondering why Kankri won't allow him any late-morning bowls of cluckbird soup, yet forces Karkat to somehow put away three of them. It's a good thing Karkat's mysterious morning sickness has temporarily faded for the day, and a little earlier than usual at that. Otherwise cluckbird soup-vomit would be everywhere by now.

Okay, so perhaps his ailment isn't quite over for the day. Suddenly Karkat feels a sharp pain in his gut. He curls over in pain and holds his abdominal region like his life depends on it, which it feels like. This goes on for a few minutes with Kankri going into protective mother bear mode, preventing anyone and everyone from going anywhere near his dancestor. Once again stated: being annoying can be both a gift and a curse. After several minutes, Karkat's pain goes away and his stomach feels fine once again. It has become clear to him and Gamzee now that this is no ordinary stomach bug. It should have occurred to them a couple weeks ago, but no. Being trolls, they have no knowledge of human diseases and thus never once gave a thought about it. After the pain subsides, Kankri carries Karkat bridal-style (ironic since the wedding isn't for another four weeks) and lays him down on the sofa in the living room. Kankri is reluctant, but eventually allows John to sit next to Karkat. "What's wrong with him," John asks.

"I don't know," Kankri responds. "I just showed up and he was really sick, so I started taking care of him."

"Ah, now that's bullshit," Gamzee cuts in. "I've been taking care of him for three weeks straight and he's been perfectly fine."

"How could he be fine if he is still sick?"

"It kind of … goes away and comes back the next morning." Gamzee shies away from the Seer of Blood. He feels kind of guilty now about not taking adequate care of Karkat. John, however, cannot help but start to freak out. If it's anything he remembers about human physiology or whatever, it's that certain things caused by certain actions that John and Karkat may or may not have been doing safely can cause morning sickness. But that can't be possible. Trolls are really just moving, breathing, conscious equivalents to viruses based on that criterion alone, right? Right?

Well, perhaps not, and John is determined to find out. He runs over to Palais Lalonde for some advice, which Rose and Kanaya are reluctant to give. Instead, they just sit and drink their tea. Well, they're drinking something. Whether or not it's tea is only known to them, but based on Kanaya's facial expression, it's not tea.

"Ugh, I figured that question would pop up sooner or later," Rose states after John finishes his fretful rant. "Hold on one moment please." Kanaya watches Rose exit the room out of the corner of her eye as she sips the contents of her teacup.

"So, John, when did you first realize Karkat's 'problem?'" she asks.

"Just before I came over. According to Gamzee it's been going on for three weeks. I had no idea. Some fiancé I am, huh."

"Well, there's probably a good reason why you never knew about it. Perhaps they just didn't want you to worry is all." As Kanaya finishes that sentence, Rose walks out with a small, pink box.

"It took me forever to get Roxy to give me this without going berserk and getting the wrong idea," Rose says as she hand John the box.

"Uh … you want me to—"

"Yes. If you really want to know, then I think three weeks should be long enough for all the hormones to have piled up enough."

"O—okay." John just stares at the box with a confused expression. How is he going to get Karkat to do this?

#### Several hours later …

"Here, pee on this stick," John says hurriedly as he hands a small thermometer-looking object to an extremely confused Karkat before the latter shuts the bathroom door. Well, that's one way of telling someone to do something.

" … Why … ?" Karkat asks.

"Just do it," John orders.

" … Okay … ," Karkat says to himself after the door is securely shut. And so pee on the stick he does, and pee on his hand while doing it he does as well. The troll develops a look of disgust on his face and wonders why he allows his matesprit to get the best of him at times like this. There is absolutely no reason for Karkat to be doing this. There's no point to it, and yet the troll does as he's told. Now, where does he set it? On the sink? Okay. It's set down. The troll washes his hands with sulfuric acid, and exits the bathroom. Immediately after he exits, John walks in with the box in hand. He picks the object up off the sink and compares it to the boxes result chart. The result is nothing short of heart dropping. "Uh, Karkat," John shouts after a little while of attempting to wrap his mind around the results. When Karkat walks in, John shows him the object, the box, and explains to Karkat what it was. John also suggests they make an appointment at the hospital to get an ultrasound done to find out if this is all real. Karkat, not really sure what exactly this all means, is kind of worried. If this is panicking John, it's probably nothing to worry about, but John does actually seem to know what he's talking about this time, so Karkat feels it's a good time to consider John's actions as justified, and he begins feeling the same way.

A few minutes later, John gets off the phone with a doctor at the hospital. An ultrasound appointment has been made for that weekend. Karkat is a little nervous, and John can't keep from biting his claws for more than a minute. These next few days are going to be hell for the both of them as the suspense builds.


	52. Chapter 51: A suspicion Confirmed

The next few days pass with Karkat's routine morning sickness, except this time John gets up early to help ease the pain. He doesn't provide much help though. He claims it's because Gamzee doesn't let him do enough to help, but in reality that's because John was so poor a caregiver that Gamzee sent him to do something completely unrelated that "helped" Karkat to feel better by keeping him away. It worked.

Now Karkat lies on a hospital bed with the doctor preparing the ultrasound. Karkat tries to act cool, but he's nervous as fuck and John can tell perfectly well. Karkat nearly crushes John's hand when the ultrasound begins. He also startles the doctor when he jumps and complains about the gel being extremely cold. "I tried to warn you," the doctor replies. Eventually Karkat calms down and the ultrasound continues on. After a few seconds they find what they're looking for. "Ah, there it is," the doctor states. After looking closely at it for a little bit, the doctor speaks again. "I'm surprised you're not showing all that much for as much as it's developed and how big it is."

"I'm not showing what," Karkat asks, somewhat worried.

"You're pregnant."

"I— … what?"

"This thing you see moving on the screen—it's growing inside of you." The doctor sounds excited.

"I have a parasite growing inside of me?!" Karkat's fear level has peaked. Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!—" John tries to cut him off.

Karkat—Karkat, listen! It's not a parasite!" He grabs Karkat by the shoulders and forces eye contact.

" … It's not?" Karkat sounds like a small animal cowering in a corner.

"No, no, no Karkat. It isn't. It's a baby." John sounds both excited and horrified.

"A … baby?" The stress of the situation has impaired Karkat's brain a little bit. Usually he'd be on top of things.

"Yeah, you know, a, uh … a little, pink monkey." That probably wasn't the best word choice. Karkat now looks horrified instead of nervous, and the doctor is rather confused by the comparison of a baby to a pink monkey.

"Well, if you think about it, babies do live off of nutrients that the mother provides it inside the womb, and after birth it sticks to the parents, so to speak, until adulthood. We like to call them 18-year parasites—"

"Ah, nononononono," John interrupts the doctor with a smile that says, "I will kill you if you keep speaking." "You're not helping. I'm trying to calm him down, not scare the living shit out of him." After a few more minutes of comforting the pregnant troll on the hospital bed, John turns back to the doctor to ask a question. "When is it due?"

"I don't know. We've never had a troll couple come in before. When did the morning sickness start?"

"Uh, about three weeks ago, I think."

"Okay, that would place conception anywhere between seven and ten weeks ago, assuming trolls really are all that similar to humans."

John thinks for a minute. "It would have to be seven weeks. The last time we did anything was last month and there was only the one time before that that would qualify."

"All right," The doctor pauses. "Would you be able to come in once a week, so we can watch the baby's development? Like I said, you're the first trolls that have done this. We haven't been able to study them and the gods are trying to pass that equal rights thing." John and Karkat take a minute to think it over, but they agree because it will give them an opportunity to watch their new baby develop.

"Also," the doctor begins, "we won't exactly know when it's done, so we'll make an educated guess based off its development. If trolls are similar enough to humans, then we will probably be able to go by time as well. It does have the appearance of right about a seven week-old fetus, so that might be a good sign."

After looking at the ultrasound once again, John and Karkat head out for some sort of meal between lunch and dinner. "Ugh. Karkat, you don't even know what half of the stuff you ordered is," John complains when Karkat orders his food. And he's right. Karkat doesn't have any idea what charbroiled rocky mountain oysters topped with Savory & Spicy Soy Tabasco are, but they sound good at the moment. When the food arrives, John is all but disgusted at the dish Karkat ordered. He can only eat his own food by turning his attention completely away from Karkat, though the latter, with his char-broiled rocky mountain oysters topped with Savory & Spicy Tabasco, can't seem to figure out why.

"Mm. John, you have to try this," Karkat holds up a charbroiled … that, on the end of his fork for John to bite off. "It's your species' mythical, "Heaven in a dish."

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnd there goes the last, dying remnants of John's appetite. "Okay, I've been holding this in ever since I realized exactly what mountain oysters are, but that's disgusting," John says after he sets his fork down and suppresses his gag reflex. Karkat pulls the fork with the mountain oyster back, and after a few seconds asks, "What are mountain oysters?" John doesn't respond, but Karkat keeps eating them anyway.

Later on that night, Karkat hops in the shower. After his and John's meal together earlier, he needs some time alone … well, alone with the fetus, anyway. Ever since their dinner earlier, John has been nonstop touchy-touchy with Karkat's belly, and it's really starting to annoy him. Not much longer than thirty seconds after Karkat steps in the shower, someone else gets in as well. You have one (1) guess.

"What the hell are you doing?" an annoyed Karkat asks.

"I just want to help out," John replies. "I mean, this is both our baby. I want to help you out with whatever you need." And there he goes reaching for the belly again. Karkat quickly backs away.

"No! John, in case you haven't noticed, you aren't all that good at helping! You can't even make cluckbird soup! Let alone keep your hands to yourself! In this state, you're the last person I want touching the baby!" Karkat gives John the most hate-filled glare ever, and John doesn't immediately shrink away, though after a short pause he does get out and leave the bathroom. The last person to see him in the house that night is Casey, but she doesn't say anything. 

  


Minutes later, but not many, someone knocks at the Lalondes' (and Kanaya's) door. Roxy opens it to see a nearly bawling John. "Rose, Kanaynay, it's for you!" she shouts and leaves. Rose emerges, sees John crying, and lets him in with a sigh. Already she knows this is going to be a long night. After getting some tea for everyone, with her own being a Long Island iced tea, she and Kanaya sit and listen to the troubled troll. He has really been testing Rose and Kanaya's patience since his transformation became permanent. They're really gathering insight as to how well they'll make it as psychiatrists. Despite John's fragile mental health, he's really doing them a favor. A public service, even. Yes, yes. Rose and Kanaya already know that they are terrible people. You don't have to keep reminding them.

After the story is finished from pregnancy test to arriving at the Lalonde (and Kanaya) residence, the two psychiatrists-in-training don't know what to think or do. Does John not realize who he's engaged to? Is his mind that far gone already? Rose decides to go refill her Kanaya's England water. Kanaya doesn't realize what's happening until it's too late, and she gets stuck there with John, who happens to be awaiting a thoughtful response.

In the kitchen, Rose hopes that Kanaya doesn't screw this up. This isn't a case of auspisticism. Once the tea is finished, Rose walks back into the living room where she is surprised to see Kanaya and John sitting in awkward silence. "You haven't helped him yet?" she asks. When Kanaya shakes her head, Rose says, "Well, it looks like John is running low on tea as well—"

"I'm thinking." Kanaya interrupts. Taking the hint, Rose sits back down next to Kanaya. John has yet to even touch his cup of tea. After Rose and Kanaya sending telepathic messages to each other, going along the lines of

_I really hate you right now._

_Okay, good for you._

_Why?_

_Why what?_

_Why did you put me in this situation?_

_You put yourself into it! It's not like I could predict it! Besides, you should've told me that you were going into the kitchen to avoid having to talk to John immediately. Now look where that got us both!_

Okay, so it isn't like they could actually read each other's minds. But the messages were sent using very subtle bodily signals. Now, back to the issue confronting them. After several, long, agonizing minutes of thought, Rose finally comes up with an answer, though she doesn't sugarcoat it. "John, let me ask you a question?" John raises his head. "Have you ever met Karkat? Let's face it, he isn't the nicest person to be around. Sometimes he can be absolutely unbearable. I should know. I've had to deal with him a hell of a lot longer than you have. And something else: he's pregnant. At least seven weeks pregnant, which means his mind is going to be taken over by hormones. That fetus is like the Oprah of hormones. 'Hormones for this body part, hormones for this body part, hormones for this body part, hormones for ALL THE BODY PARTS!' Of course he's going to have mood swings. He's always been angry at the world! And I'm sure what he said was just because you were being a little too clingy, and his maternal instincts kicked in and he became that overbearing, overprotective mother lioness!" After her rant, she realizes that perhaps she was a little too harsh on John's fragile mentality. This is given by the way he is shrunken back into the couch, staring up at Rose with the saddest puppy dog eyes that she's ever seen. "Ugh," Rose sighs. "It's late. Would you just like to sleep here tonight?" John slowly nods his head. "All right." Rose grabs him a pillow and a few blankets, knowing how both he and Karkat love to sleep under a seemingly infinite amount each.


	53. Chapter 52: A frightening Occurrence

The ambulance arrives at the hospital, carrying a body on a stretcher. The body on the stretcher suffers from extreme abdominal pain. He is taken straight to the operating room. Complications have made a natural process much impossible.

The next twenty-or-thirty-something weeks go by quickly and rather stressfully. Karkat kept his distance from John. A lot. John complained about this. A lot. Rose and Kanaya pulled out their own hair. A lot. John's dad threatened both John and Karkat. A lot. Okay, so it wasn't just stressful. The entire situation was one big fustercluck of holy, righteous, judgmental hellholishness. Really, only made up words can describe it. It got to the point where Roxy had to fill in for a constantly hungover Rose, and Kanaya couldn't take it anymore, so she moved out and got her own place. That isn't to say that she broke up with Rose. No, she just said that she can't really stand to see Rose like that anymore, so she is going to get an apartment so that she doesn't have to look at her. As far as either is concerned, the relationship is still on; it's just plummeted into a state of suspended animation.

Each weekend, John took Karkat to the hospital for an ultrasound to be performed to see the fetus' development. Each week, it stayed extremely similar to a human fetus' development. Well, except for the fact that it had started developing horns around week twenty. This is really the closest Karkat allowed himself to be to John for the entire duration of the pregnancy. And all was going well, until …

One night in week 34, Karkat woke up with severe stomach cramps. The cramping became so severe that he began vomiting before he could even call out for help. Gamzee just so happened to be heading to bed when he heard coughing and gagging coming from Karkat's (and John's?) room. He opened the door to find Karkat hunched over himself on the bed with the blankets covered in red vomit. Gamzee did what any actually sane person would do and called the ambulance. Due to him explaining to the operator that it was a pregnant troll who was in need of emergency medical transportation, an ultrasound machine was brought along to keep watch over the fetus inside to make sure it was okay. Thus, we are brought back to the opening paragraph.

Everyone waits nervously in the waiting room for something to happen. Kanaya, Roxy, and Rose attempt to provide John with as many comforting words as they can manage. Somehow Rose is sober enough to help out this time yes, she has a massive hangover, but she knows she needs to help. So she grows a pair and helps. Finally, after what seems like forever, the doctor comes out to speak with them.

"Okay, first, we need to understand something here," she begins as everyone gathers around. They don't bother going into a private room because there are so many people there and no one else is there, so they just talk in the waiting room. "We're dealing with troll anatomy. This wouldn't be so much a problem if it weren't for the fact that the area we need to access is … well, … a little bit different than a typical human structure. In other words, our knowledge on what we need to do is absolutely limited, and no matter what we do, we risk permanently damaging him on the inside. Mr. Egbert," she turns to John, "I've spoken about this with you and Karkat before. We've done so many ultrasounds that I feel we know about where to cut and what to avoid, but the chance still remains. A troll's reproductive system is vastly different than a human's. If we cut in just the wrong place, Karkat will never be able to reproduce again. If we cut one millimeter over, the damage would be irreversible and Karkat would never to be able to enjoy sex again. That being said, I don't think we should really be concerned at all about where we make any incisions, because it appears as if the fetus has done that for us already."

"What does that mean," Kanaya asks.

"It means that one of the horns has broken through the amniotic sac. As we speak, amniotic fluid is draining from the sac and into Karkat's abdominal cavity. If we don't act quickly, the sac will drain completely and the fetus will suffocate. This is what's causing the severe pain. The fetus is 'aware', so to speak, that the sac is constricting and it's pretty much panicking. The reason why I'm out here explaining all this to you right now is that Karkat is being prepped for emergency surgery. Otherwise, I would be back there getting that fetus out and no one would be hearing anything from any of us because we're really busy. And that's exactly what's going to happen once my pager goes off, telling me that he's ready for operation.

"Given the current circumstances, I want to save this fetus, regardless of Karkat's reproductive health. This baby is extremely important. It will be the first one to be born in a human society or a human establishment. It is the first trollian fetus we've ever witnessed in development. We've learned a lot about troll reproduction just with this one baby. We want it to live so we can watch it grow and mature. That isn't to say that the baby is our little guinea pig. We just want to observe how it grows and matures in the care of its parents. We'll either make occasional visits to the home or they'll come in and we'll talk, et cetera. But with our current knowledge of the troll reproductive system and the urgency of this operation, the odds are stacked against Karkat ever being able to reproduce again. This is what I want you all to understand."

"So, in other words, this might as well be a hysterectomy for a troll," Rose implies.

"Possibly yes, and hopefully no." A couple seconds later, the doctor's pager goes off. "Well, I guess he's ready. Let's hope for the best!" And with that she leaves. Everyone sits in silence as they wait for news of the operations success, or possible lack thereof, and John can't seem to wrap his mind around the possibility of his baby dying before it is rescued from Karkat's unforgiving body.


	54. Chapter 53

A couple hours later, the doctor comes back out to speak with the group. “Well, we believe the operation was successful, though we did run into a couple complications due to unforeseen anatomical structures. The baby is safe—quite well developed, actually. We managed to get it out before total suffocation, but it might take a while to recover. We don’t believe that it has developed completely yet, though, so it is in an incubator that is set to match Karkat’s internal body temperature. If you’ll all follow me, I can let you see it if you’d like.”

As everyone’s walking through the halls, John asks where Karkat is and if he’s seen the baby yet, to which the doctor replies that he hasn’t and is currently in recovery. “Now, we usually put a wristband of the baby’s name and parents’ names on both the baby and the parents to ensure we don’t mix any newborns up. Once you see this baby, you’ll understand why we didn’t do that for this particular birth.” The groups walks into the incubator room where several babies, newborns and pre-mature alike await their parents’ touches. Toward the back of the room, in an incubator set to a more specific temperature, lies a light gray-skinned baby with tiny, sharp horns protruding from the top-ish sides of his head. Well, the doctors _think_ it’s a he. To be honest, they don’t really know. The group gathers around the incubator to look at the newborn Egbert-Vantas love child. 

After several minutes, they get the OK to go see a newly awakened Karkat. Okay, so by the time they all got to the room, he had fallen back asleep, but the doctor was quick to wake his ass back up so that he could see everyone in the room. He was somewhat startled to wake up to many pairs of eyes staring right at him. The doctors did try their best to clean him up after he was sewn back together, but alas, they missed a drop here and there. He didn’t notice this right away. It’s probably a good thing, too, because he probably would’ve opened the surgical incision back up in his fit of panic. After some comforting words from the doctor and friends, he seems to be the only one who notices something wrong with the picture. “Where’s the idiot,” he asks. Everyone just looks at each other trying to figure out what he means, when they realize that John isn’t in the room with them. Rose sighs frustratedly and states that she will go and retrieve him from the incubation room. 

Lo and behold, the incubation room is exactly where she finds him, still staring at the new baby, mesmerized by its being his own. He is this baby’s daddy, and as this baby’s daddy, it is his duty to name it. He isn’t quite sure why, but he just knows that this is a baby boy. In his head he pictures the way this baby would sound if he could talk. He imagines the way it would move, going off of how he is moving now. Only one name pops into his head: Jar Jar Binks. And so it has been decided—his name is Jar Jar. “Ugh, John, you’re an idiot,” Rose proclaims as she grabs him by the ear and drags him to Karkat’s room with the rest of the crowd. 

At the end of the day when visiting hours are over, everyone decides to go home. Well, everyone with the exception of John, that is. He stays behind to talk to Karkat for a few more minutes. “So … Rose explained to me why you acted why you did several months ago.” Karkat takes this as a bit of an apology of some sort. Why John would be apologizing for something, he has no idea, so he just decides to go with the flow.   
“So, to make up for my clinginess, I decided to give the baby a cool name.” Well, shit. This isn’t the kind of unexpected apology Karkat was expecting. “I decided that we’re going to name the baby Jar Jar.” For several seconds and what seems like an eternity, Karkat just stares a John with a somewhat blank expression, his mouth hanging open a little bit. And then he answers.

“Please tell me that you didn’t already talk to the doctors about this.”

“Okay, I haven’t yet talk to the doctors about that.”

“Now tell me the truth instead of what I just told you to say.”

“But, that is the truth.” The two look at each other. One with an expression of innocence and the other with an expression of rage mixed with indifference. 

“We are not naming him after a character in one of your dumb movies.”

“Then … that could be his nick name.” Karkat glares at John. “Come on, Karkat. You can’t deny that’s a cute name for a troll baby!” 

“I’ve been thinking of a name myself. You said it was a boy earlier, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I was thinking of the name Jeriko.”

“That’s not cute at all!”

“John, this thing could grow up to be a mass fucking murderer. If or when that happens, I don’t want the headlines to read ‘Mass killer Jar Jar Vantas … wait, his name is Jar Jar? HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THAT?! I mean, wow, his parents really did give him a cute fucking name!’”

“Well, I guess that it’s a good thing I brought this up, then.”

“Yeah. Undoubtedly.” Karkat lays his head back. John then interrupts one more time.

“Uh, also you have a little blood splattered on your gown. I’m assuming they didn’t get you cleaned off enough when they sewed you back up.” 

Karkat’s pupils visibly shrink, and his eyes widen tenfold when he comes to the realization that if John was telling the truth, then everyone could see his blood color. It isn’t like it really matters anymore nowadays, but Karkat is still extremely insecure about it. He looks down at his abdomen where he sees the red splotches that John referred to, and he begins to panic. He hops up off the bed and begins to run toward the bathroom, struggling to strip off his hospital gown along the way to rid himself of the accursed red stains; however, John catches him before he can make it very far, lift him up off the ground, and pins him back down on the bed. “Karkat, you need to stop or you’ll rip open your stitches by accident! Then blood will go everywhere. Is that what you want?” This gets Karkat to at least settle down a little bit. After Karkat gets fully settled down, John helps him to the bathroom and gives him a much-wanted bath. John decides to stay with Karkat in the hospital until he can go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that these updates are few and far between, and they aren't even very long. I think we can all agree that the Gigapause has taken its toll, and still continues to take its toll on the entire fandom. Also, Jeriko is pronounced as YARE-ih-kOH. I am not very good at coming up with names.


	55. Chapter 54: DESPICABLE JOHN

Two weeks pass. The name was mutually decided by Karkat to be Jeriko (he did this while John was in the bathroom. There’s no fucking way in Paradox Hell that he would let that baby be named after a fictional character in one of John’s dumb, human movies, no matter how cute a name it is for a baby troll). Karkat was also not allowed to see baby Jeriko. Well, he would’ve been, had his stitches not constantly been ripped out. Stupid John and his stupid clumsiness. Well, it was kind of Karkat’s own fault for letting John sleep in the same bed as him, and then allow him to be the one to bathe him. Yeah, even after all this time, John has yet to control his new power of having claws, i.e. fucking clipping them every now and then. 

After the second or third day, the only person at the hospital with Karkat was John … and Sollux. Everyone seems to forget about Sollux. Come to think of it, this story has gone quite some time without being self-aware, hasn’t it? Well, time to fix that. You, the reader, are a terrible person for forgetting about poor Sollux. Poor, visually unimpaired Sollux. Anyway, he’s been back for a while and is now in the room with John and Karkat, and Karkat is about to meet baby Jar Ja—Jeriko for the first time. Wait … why was the narrative about to call this baby Jar Jar?

By the look on Karkat’s face, the reason the narrative nearly called baby Jeriko Jar Jar is because baby Jeriko’s name is Jar Jar. How could this be? Well, if you’re patient, I will tell you. While Karkat mutually decided to name the baby Jeriko, John mutually decided that Jar Jar was a far superior name. Rewind several minutes, and you find John in the hallway heading for the bathroom. The doctor who helped deliver baby Yet-To-Be-Named passes by, stops him, and asks if he and Karkat had decided on a name. Predictably, John said yes. When asked, he gave her the predictable answer. She said that she would put it in the system and print out the birth certificate. 

** Baby Yet-To-Be-Named: Fast Forward to Baby Jar Jar. ==> **

And so baby Yet-To-Be-Named fast forwards to being baby Jar Jar. He, probably she, but most likely a he, is brought out in a blue blanket, holding a sheet of paper in his tiny little hands and the doctor just wants to die from all the cuteness. John is currently still in the bathroom, so Sollux get out his phone and starts recording. Karkat is undoubtedly confused when the doctor tells him that the baby is holding his birth certificate. He shrugs it off though. There’s no fucking way in Paradox Hell that John would have—

Uh … what. The. Fucking. Paradox. Hell. The look on Karkat’s face when he sees the name on the birth certificate says it all. John fucked up. Royally. And what the hell is up with the last name being Egbert? When did John fucking decide that too?! The person who birthed this cute creature possesses a last name identical to a drug used to treat prostate cancer, whatever the hell that is. And so this cute creature’s last name is going to be identical to a drug used to treat prostate cancer, whatever the hell that is. Trolls don’t have prostates, so Karkat has no idea what prostate cancer is. 

“Uh, KK, you’re supposed to be happy,” Sollux says from behind the camera phone. 

“Oh, I’m happy,” Karkat replies. “Not so much about a certain person at the moment, but I’m happy that I finally get to see the parasite that’s been growing inside of me for the past several months. It looks nothing like a pink monkey. It’s not even pink.” 

“What?” 

The doctor is still confused about the whole “pink monkey” thing, but she says nothing to avoid ruining the moment. After a couple more minutes, John finally appears from the hallway. Presumably he came from the bathroom, though Karkat feels that he did this on purpose, and that he purposely avoided Karkat during this moment because he knew the wrong that he had done. 

“Aw, did I miss it?” John asks. 

“No, John, you didn’t,” Karkat says. “Not yet, anyway.”

“Yes, you did,” Sollux then says. “The look on KK’s face was priceless!”

“Well, I’ll leave you to yourselves and the baby,” The doctor says. She then leaves them to themselves and the baby. 

“John, we have stuff to talk about,” Karkat says in a tone that says, ‘I’m going to fucking kill you if you can’t convince me otherwise’.

“A-about what, Karkat?” John asks nervously. 

Without skipping a beat, Karkat responds. “Why does the birth certificate say, ‘Jar Jar Jeriko Egbert’?”

“…Slip of the tongue? Er, taste palate?” 

“Uh huh. And what the (ever loving fuck) is a taste palate?” Parenthesis indicate whispering. Karkat, despite having enough rage to fill a thousand Olympic-sized Paradox Hells, still has standards for what a newborn is and is not allowed to hear. 

“Eh, I just thought it was one of your weird troll words for tongue, like protein chute is to esophagus.”

“John, we have known each other for how long now? On top of that, how many conversations have we had? Since when have I ever referred to a tongue as a ‘taste palate’?”

“Uh …” John thinks for a minute. “You did that one time when you asked if we could mash our taste palates together.” Aaaaaannnnnd this conversation just got awkward to witness. For Sollux, at least. 

“Well, that was probably a slip of the taste palate.” Damn it.

“See? You just did it right there.” Karkat is busted.

“I did not. I was merely making fun of your stupid assumptions about my ‘weird troll words’.”

“You were certainly doing a good job at it. It sounded exactly like you accidentally said taste palate.”

  


\- `CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] `RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CTA: s0meb0dy help. i’m trapped and i d0n’t kn0w what t0 d0. 

CTA: any time n0w w0uld be nice.

CTA: hell0?

\- `PAST uranianUmbra [PUU]` 3 hours ago responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

PUU: hello, love. what can i do for yoU?

CTA: 0h g0d n0t this shit again.

PUU: not what again?

  
“John, what are you doing?” Karkat asks. 

“My phone buzzed,” John responds as he reaches in his back pocket to pull out his phone.

“You are interrupting this conversation to look at something on your phone? What could possibly be more important that discussing this baby’s name?!”

  


CTA: this. pe0ple resp0nding fr0m the past.

PUU: well, to be qUite honest with yoU, in my own perspective, i am in the present, and yoU are in the fUtUre. 

\- `FUTURE apocalypseArisen [AA]` 15 minutes from now responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

FAA: sollux whats wrong?

CTA: what the fuck, why is every0ne always d0ing the 0pp0site 0f what I want?

FAA: if you need help then i can be there right then

FAA: i can time travel after all

PUU: yes! and i’m sUre that i can be there, that is, Unless yoU are in a Universe. with my being dead and all i cannot do mUch to help the living. u_u

FAA: you do know that we have offered on multiple occasions to resurrect you

PUU: yes, i do know that, bUt i jUst don’t feel like i woUld be mUch Use alive. 

FAA: well as of now you have a little bit under three hours before sollux needs help

FAA: so what are you waiting for? be alive and show yourself how useful you can be!

CTA: 0h my g0d y0u all are h0peless.

  
“Uh …”

“What?!”

“…”

“John, show me what ‘Uh’ is right now! I can’t believe we are changing the subject yet again!”

  


\- `CURRENT tentacleTherapist [TT]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CTT: I forgot just how entertaining these memos can become what with all these time shenanigans involved.

CTA: FINALLY s0me0ne fr0m this time and universe!

CTT: I must say, I honestly thought that was just a thing with Trollian.

CTA: this is tr0llian.

CTT: But Sollux, aren’t you at the hospital with John and Karkat?

PUU: rose!

CTT: Callie!

PUU: ^u^

CTT: :D

CTA: en0ugh with the happy happy reuni0n! 

CTA: R0se, y0u w0rk in this h0spital, d0n’t y0u?

CTT: As an intern, yes. I still have a few years before I can be here as a licensed tentacle therapist. 

CTA: whatever. what w0uld y0u say ab0ut letting me b0rr0w y0ur car f0r a little while?

CTT: hell no. 

CTA: please.

CTT: No.

CTA: pleeeeeeease?

CTT: No.

CTA: pretty please with a cthulhu 0n t0p?

FAA: nice one!

PUU: agreed! ^u^

CTT: Sollux, read my pretty, purple text. No. 

CTT: I use my car as transportation back and forth between this paid internship and home. Unless you can prove to me that I can trust you to at least return here in time to pick me up and take me home or give it back, you aren’t driving it anytime soon.

CTT: Are you even a licensed driver?

CTA: … 

CTA: pr0bably

CTT: I also don’t see what could be so bad to make you want to abscond from that situation as urgently as you are making it seem.

  
“…”

“ … Karkat?” John reaches over for his phone, but Karkat pulls it away. The troll mother isn’t quite sure what to make of what he sees on the screen. 

  


CTA: john and kk are arguing over baby names.

\- `Current gallowsCalibrator [CGC] `RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CGC: UGH, THEY ST1LL H4V3NT D3C1D3D ON TH4T Y3T?

CTA: n0, they did, but they didn’t.

CTT: So, they haven’t.

CTA: i d0n’t kn0w.

CTA: i just …

CTA: listening t0 them argue is like …

CTA: driving me insane. 

CGC: 1 S33

PUU: don’t worry. if yoU let me speak with them, maybe i can help settle their little scUffle?

FAA: i second that suggestion!

CTT: Usually I wouldn’t recommend interdimensional communication, because it usually doesn’t lead to anything good.

CTT: But considering I am preoccupied right now, and Terezi is kind of busy doing her own thing, whatever that thing might be …

CGC: >:[

CTT: And Callie probably has nothing else to do. It might work if she talks to them. 

CTA: n0. that is a h0rrible, h0rrible suggesti0n. i’m supp0sed t0 be here f0r m0ral supp0rt. if they f0und 0ut i was trying t0 get 0ut 0f here, they w0uld probably mutually kill me. 

CTA: als0 I’m tired 0f hearing them argue ab0ut smashing their taste palates t0gether?

CGC: TH31R WH4T? >:?

CTT: I agree with Terezi here. What is a “taste palate?” 

PUU: ooh i think i’ve heard of this before! 

PUU: a taste palate is a low-blood alternian dialect word for tongUe, isn’t it?

CTT: That would make sense.

CGC: 3UGH

CTT: Once again, I must agree with Terezi. That does kind of disturb me a little.

CTT: Please stop making me agree with Terezi. I don’t like that feeling.

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: OH CAN IT LALONDE. WE ALL KNOW YOU AND KANAYA DO KINKIER SHIT THAN ME AND JOHN.

CEB: FUCK, I MEAN 

-` CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]` RIGHT `FUCKING` NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: OH CAN IT LALONDE. WE ALL KNOW YOU AND KANAYA DO KINKIER SHIT THAN ME AND JOHN.

CCG: THAT’S BETTER. 

CGC: H3H3

CGC: BUST3D >:]

PUU: ah, one of oUr argUing friends has joined Us. splendid! ^u^

CTA: n0, n0t splendid.

CTT: Just the opposite of splendid?

CTA: yes!

CCG: karkat, please give me back my phone.

CCG: shit.

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: karkat, please give me back my phone. 

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

-` CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: NO.

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: yes. i don’t like you responding angrily to memos on my phone.

CTT: Wait, if John has no access to internet, and Karkat is using his phone, but he is still responding to this memo, then does that mean …

CGC: JOHN 4ND K4RKL3S 4R3 US1ING TH3 S4M3 D3V1C3, WH1CH H4PP3NS TO B3 JOHNS PHONE, 1N ORD3R TO R3SPOND TO TH1S M3MO.

CGC: M3 AND K4RK4T D1D TH1S ONC3 ON TH3 M3T3OR ON ON3 OF MY M3MOS.

-` CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: TEREZI, SHUT THE HELL UP. 

CCG: YOU HAVE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT. 

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

-` CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: actually, she kind of does. we are stealing the phone away from each other, after all.

PUU: u_u

PUU: i don’t mean to offend anyone, bUt this is becoming rather painfUl to read.

FAA: yeah sollux just tell them about the way you feel toward all of this and settle everything

CTT: Yes, and perhaps you can help them settle their baby name trouble?

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CGC: GR34T, H3R3 W3 GO 4G41N

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: OH, YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT BABY NAME TROUBLE!

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: oh god. everyone, just ignore everything that karkat says about this topic.

CEB: NO, YOU ALL ARE GOING TO LISTEN AND SUFFER MY ODIOUS WRATH FOR GOING ALONG WITH SOLLUX’S STUPIDITY AND NEED TO DISTRACT THE TWO NEW PARENTS IN THIS HOSPITAL ROOM. 

CEB: SHIT!

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] `ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- ` CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: THAT’S BETTER.

CCG: ANYWAY, THE IDIOT NAMED JOHN DECIDED THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO NAME THE BABY A NAME THAT HE LOVED BUT WAS EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: well, in my defense, at least it isn’t a name that you would give to our little serial killer.

PUU: WHAT?!

CGC: >:? 

CTA: 0_0

CTT: !

FAA: :D

PUU: !

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: IGNORE THE IDIOT IN THE BLUE TEXT. 

CCG: WHAT NAME IS BETTER FOR A TROLL: JERIKO OR JAR JAR?

PUU: jar jar! ^u^

FAA: i would say jar jar

CTA: leave me 0ut 0f this c0nversati0n. 

CTT: Jar Jar is a cute name; especially for that squishy little ball of cuteness you call your baby. 

CGC: F4C3 1T K4RKL3S, W3R3 4LL UP FOR JOHNS N4M3

CCG: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW IT’S THE NAME JOHN PICKED OUT?

CTT: Let’s just say it’s painfully obvious that John would pick the name belonging to a well-hated character from Star Wars.

CCG: WHATEVER, HERE’S THE THING: JOHN FUCKING NAMED THE BABY.

CCG: THAT’S RIGHT. HE DID IT BEFORE I GOT THE CHANCE TO NAME IT SOMETHING SENSIBLE, LIKE JERIKO. 

CGC: BUT J3R1KO IS A DUMB NAME

PUU: it might not help the situation, bUt jar jar does have a nicer ring to it than jeriko.

CCG: LIKE I SAID: WHATEVER.

CCG: ANYWAY, THE THING IS, THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE SAYS JAR JAR JERIKO EGBERT.

CCG: JAR JAR

CCG: JERIKO

CCG; EBGERT.

CCG: WHY THE FUCK DOES HE GET TO NAME IT EGBERT?! IF HE’S GOING TO USE HIS FUCKING CHOICE FOR A NAME HE COULD AT LEAST INCLUDE MY NAME IN THERE.

CTT: Karkat, by the way it sounds, John chose Jeriko to be the baby’s middle name. 

CCG: MIDDLE NAME? WHAT THE FUCK IS A MIDDLE NAME?!

CTT: It was a common human tradition for people to have three names: a first name, a middle name, and a last name. My first name is Rose. My middle name is Roxanne, and my last name is Lalonde, as an example.

CTT: It is also common human tradition for the baby to take the last name of the father, who, in this case, is John. 

CTT: It seems quite clear that John still can’t let go of his human roots, not that that’s a bad thing or anything.

CCG: I OFFICIALLY HATE HUMANS.

PUU: what’s new?

CCG: YOU AREN’T HELPING. 

CCG: I THINK IT’S TIME THAT WE SHUT DOWN THIS GOD FORSAKEN MEMO. NO ONE IS HELPING THE SITUATION AT ALL.

CGC: WOULD TH4T B3 B3C4US3 W3 4R3NT S1D1NG W1TH YOU ON TH3 BABYS N4M3?

CCG: NO!

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]` ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]` RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CEB: it is entirely for that reason.

\- `CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] `ceased responding to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

\- `CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] `RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board Mu2tard Bl00d ii2 be2t. -

CCG: ONCE AGAIN, IDIOT IN THE BLUE TEXT. IGNORE HIM.

CCG: SOLLUX, IF YOU DON’T CLOSE THIS FUCKING MEMO, I WILL TAKE YOUR PHONE AND DESTROY IT.

CTA: n0! kk, y0u can’t have my ph0ne!

CCG: YES, I CAN! 

CGC: W41T, 1S K4RK4T 4CTU4LLY TRY1NG TO ST34L SOLLUXS PHON3?

CTA: YES!!!

CTT: Well, I guess this marks the end of the conversation, albeit to preserve the sanctity of Sollux’s own personal communication device.

PUU: oh bollocks! i was having so mUch fUn too!

FAA: as was i

`CTA` closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to Calliope, the pesterlog was painful to read. According to the author, the pesterlog was painful to format.
> 
> On that note: Yay for new Homestuck upd8s, albeit sad, soul-crushing ones, but still!


	56. Chapter 55

\- `carcinoGeneticist [CG]` began trolling` twinArmageddons [TA] `at 13:43 - 

CG: GET YOU STUPID, FUCKING ASS BACK OVER HERE. 

TA: n0. 

CG: YES, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN RUN OFF TO? 

TA: that is n0ne 0f y0ur business. 

CG: DUE TO YOU ACTING AS MINE AND JOHN’S PERSONAL BODY GUARD OF SORTS, IT IS ALL OF OUR BUSINESS. 

TA: n0 0ne said anything ab0ut me being a b0dyguard. 

CG: I JUST DID. 

CG: AND IS IT SO. 

(`Perhaps a nice cup of chamomile tea will help soothe the anger that flows through your candy veins?`) 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? 

CG: WHO ARE YOU? 

(`A friend of sorts.`) 

\- `ectoBiologist [EB] `joined began pestering` carcinoGeneticist [CG] `and `twinArmageddons [TA]` at 13:51 - 

EB: that would be this universe’s first guardian, if i remember right. 

CG: WHAT 

CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT? 

EB: do what? 

CG: THAT THING. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? 

CG: YOU AREN’T FROM THE FUTURE OR ANYTHING, ARE YOU? 

(`Group chats are possible things, Karkat. After using Trollian for how long, you should be aware of the feature that allows you to join an already ongoing chat.`) 

CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, DOUCHEBAG. I MEANT HOW IS HE EVEN CHATTING WITH US IN THE FIRST PLACE? 

CG: HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO CHAT WITH. 

CG: I SHOULD KNOW. I’M LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM. 

EB: weird. i’m nowhere near you, that i am aware of. 

CG: WELL YOU NEED TO LOOK THE FUCK UP THEN. 

EB: considering that i’m completely alone in this basement, i would say that i’m nowhere near you. i would know. i can sense that much. 

CG: DOUCHEBAG, EXPLAIN THIS. 

(`Ehhhhh, maybe another time. I am a very busy catdogcueballthing.`) 

EB: also, how’s jar jar? i miss him. 

CG: MISS HIM?! YOU’RE FUCKING CRADLING HIM IN YOUR ARMS! 

(`Didn’t we just establish that the John that is in this conversation is at his home, completely secluded from any sort of outside contact, save this trolllog, at this point?`) 

CG: WHAT, YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING, YET YOU MANAGE TO HAVE TIME TO REPLY?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK. 

(`Unless that particular expletive has a new meaning that I am not aware of, which it doesn’t, then my answer is this: Like my predecessor, the First Guardian of your [Karkat and Sollux] universe, this entire conversation is taking up perhaps a second of my perspective time. I just don’t feel like explaining everything.`) 

(`Well, since you called me by yet another expletive term, anything, for that matter.`) 

TA: 0kay, s0 r0se is pretty much f0rcing me back in this c0nversati0n. i d0n’t like this. 

TA: and y0u pe0ple are still g0ing at it? 

TA: when did the first guardian sh0w up? 

(`I’ve been observing this conversation, since I knew I would have to be a participant within it anyway. So technically I’ve been here throughout the duration of it, from the moment Karkat initially trolled you until now, and from now until the end.`) 

CG: YOU ARE REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF. 

CG: SO MUCH SO THAT I WANT TO FIND YOUR FUCKING APARTMENT AND DESTROY THE FUCK OUT OF ANY SORT OF ELECTRONIC DEVICE THAT IS CAPABLE OF ACCESSING THE INTERFISHTRAP. 

CG: ASSUMING ALL THAT SHIT WASN’T DESTROYED WHEN THE MOONS COLLIDED. 

(`No, I have remained perfectly safe from that event. It helps to know eternally in advance that it’s going to happen so you can avoid a tragedy. And there exists a reason you are forbidden from ever coming here.`) 

(`You have just stumbled upon that reason.`) 

EB: oh god i apologize for his behavior right now. 

(`We will have already been over this, John. You are no longer associated with the mortal Knight of Blood, and as such you are no longer responsible for his actions.`) 

TA: what 

CG: THE 

TA: fuck.

“JOHN, YOU INSUFFERABLE BASTARD! YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE ME OR I WILL MURDER YOU!” John looks up from the sleeping Jar Jar in his arms. He is undoubtedly startled at Karkat’s sudden outburst.

“… what?”

“You. Fucking. Heard me.” Karkat gives John the evilest evil eye that anyone has ever been given in the history of Paradox Space.

“I didn’t know I had any intention of leaving you.”

(`Karkat.`)

“Don’t play dumb with me, Egbert. You know that I know that you are planning on doing something!” 

(`Karkat`)

“Damn, I know that some mothers have horrible mood swings, but I thought that was supposed to end after pregnancy.”

“What?!”

“Are you on your period, Karkat?”

“What the fuck is a period?!”

(`Ugh …`) 

Suddenly, a bright flash of green lightning lights up the room with the words `CHECK YOUR GODDAMN TROLLLOG` echoing through the room in a deep voice laced with electricity. Karkat swears he saw a tall, humanoid figure in the lightning, but it might’ve just been his imagination. 

“Karkat, you pissed off the Guardian.” With that said, and Karkat now staring at John with a dumbfounded expression, John looks back down at Jar Jar. Surprisingly, the troll!baby is still asleep, even after all that. Karkat looks back down at John’s phone.

TA: kk, y0u there? 

(`Yes, he’s there. He’s just being an insufferable prick and paying more attention to innocent John than he is an important conversation.`) 

TA: 0h. 

(`Anyway, I’m about to grab his attention, so I’ll type this out real quick.`) 

(`Karkat, sooner or later, John will become alienated from you and all of your friends for whatever reason. And it won’t just be him. Well, it will be, but it won’t. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. I will not elaborate on that.`) 

(`Anyway, you shouldn’t really worry about that now. It is inevitable, and it will happen. You have no control over it, nor any knowledge at to what it is that causes it, and will not until it has already happened.`) 

(`To help you understand what I’m talking about, there exists a song on John’s phone called Stille Kom Døden. How he got ahold of the song is a completely different story altogether. Anyway, listen to it. It might just become your favorite song, which, by that I mean it will.`) 

(`Also, I’m teleporting Sollux back to his own place of residence.`) 

TA: aw yiss. 

CG: I HATE YOU ALL RIGHT NOW. 

EB: i figured as much. this doesn’t make me feel much better. 

CG: GOOD. 

(`Just ignore him, John.`) 

\- `carcinoGeneticist [CG]` ceased pestering` twinArmageddons [TA] `-

Well, that was surely a painful experience. And what was all that with that other John? Ugh, stupid time shenanigans. And that guardian or whatever is hiding something. Karkat honestly does not care at all about anything that First Guardian has to say. And he never will. Nope. Never. Such is the creed of Karkat Vantas, troll mother. Now to see about leaving this place. 

  


* * *

  


Meanwhile, in the future, a lonely troll sits in a small rocking chair with blue tears threatening to go all Niagara Falls out of his eyes, not that you nor anyone else in this universe would understand what that means, except for maybe Bequerius. On the television, a particular dual ceremony is being broadcast not much more than a couple floors above his head. Beq gave him the option of attending said ceremony, but he just doesn’t feel like it. He feels more depressed than ever knowing that everyone probably hates him, and he’s only been in this situation for a couple days, not even waiting to see how everything turns out. He wishes he could just kill himself off. Again and again and again, but stupid `Lord English` isn’t even in this universe. The one time he really needs to be already here, and he will never be already here, or here at all for that matter. 

“This chair is comfy.” 

That didn’t help the troll feel any better.


End file.
